NoHo

Hi - I'm new and clearly some kind of alcoholic. I was more of an occasional binge drinker, semi-regular casual drinker, until I got into a relationship a few years ago with an alcoholic. Given the circumstances of the relationship, we found it easiest to spend time together at bars. I fell into a pattern of nightly drinking that continued long after the relationship had ended. While sober (if a little bit hungover sometimes) at work during the day, I found myself drinking anywhere from 2 to 10 beers a night, virtually every night, after work, often alone. I suppose I was, for the most part, highly functioning and only rarely experienced any fallout. I did get called out for having too much to drink at a client event, and it was reported to me that, on at least a couple of occasions, I smelled of alcohol from the prior night (although no functional impairment was detected). But I began to notice that, in social situations, I was often out-drinking others, continuing to drink when others stopped and going out for "one more" when I eventually headed home. As I'm sure with most here, I can attribute my dumbest choices to drinking.

One perceived "saving grace" (or so I have thought) is that alcohol is not something that I strongly crave. I have a very difficult time controlling intake once I get past three drinks or so, and I definitely "want" it sometimes, but I feel no ill effects if I go without it.

A little over a month ago, I found myself stuck in a work jam late in the evening. I was in high-stress mode. Once apparently resolved, I decided to relax with a couple of drinks only to find that there was more work to be done. While able to respond, I found myself in a panic, fearing detection and, more importantly, that my faculties were impaired and that I wouldn't be able to respond. I worked very deliberatively through the issues, got done what was needed and went back to drinking. The next day, I woke up hungover only to discover that there was a ton of work yet to do. Even though I was mentally better, I was still in panic mode and experienced my first real panic attack. Worked through the issues, got to day's end, drank again. Next day, panic attack number two. It was then that I decided to "suspend" drinking, thinking that I may have an issue with control and that I needed to recalibrate.

As the weeks have passed without drinking, I've found a renewed clarity, which is its own reward. I didn't start out with the intention of being permanently dry, but was rather thinking I would step back, assess and then add back alcohol in a responsible way. Now I'm wondering if that's even possible or if I even want to risk it. There will be situations (including an event tomorrow) where drinking would be appropriate (old Irish proverb: Never trust a man who doesn't drink), but I actually feel like I can deal with those. I've had several drinking opportunities over the past several weeks where I avoided it with diet coke and soda water, making no statement about my sobriety.

I guess the bottom line is that rather than feeling more in control of my drinking through this hiatus from booze, I'm feeling a greater awareness of my potential inability to control it through anything other than abstinence. I may be okay with that in the end. I may be okay acknowledging that drinking is something that I can't safely do.

Anyone else been in this place?

least

Welcome to the family! My drinking started out with just one glass of wine to 'relax' and within six months I was drinking all day every day. I knew from too many times of trying that I couldn't control it so had to give it up for good. After many failed attempts I am now almost to six months and feel better by far without it.

I'd say, if you're going good without it, why go back to it? Too much waste and risk associated with drinking for me. I'll just accept that I shouldn't drink at all and be happier for it.

Lithobid

This describes very well my last 6 months. Working hard and long, only to drink at the end of the day and be worse for the next day with work left over. Only to make it to the weekend, and overindulge and then be in worse shape for the next week. This to me was the evidence that I needed to prove to myself that I was already out of control, and needed to get help. Although I must admit, it's taken me several months to get my foot into the AA rooms. That's not an easy thing to do for me, especially since I've been before, swallowing a little pride.

The truth is I am a person who get's drunk, then hungover, and feels so bad, and I promise myself, I'm not going to do it anymore. Then after just a few short hours of sobering up (that evening), I decide to reward myself with another drink. I have a disease. Only you can decide for yourself, but I can certainly relate to your story, and have been there many many many times before.

Lithobid

NoHo

I relate to the cycle of drinking too much, feeling the pain the next day and then finding myself back at it at night. Often I would actually be better about the next day or two, limiting myself to a couple. The biggest reason for calling this quits given my unintentional head start is the fear of falling back into that pattern, deceiving myself into thinking that a couple of days of moderate behavior fixes the problem.

totfit

There is still argument is some circles about practicing moderation for some that aren't really bad. MM is one such organization that works along this line. The thing I have seen though is that there seems to be a hell of a lot more work in moderation (even for those that successfully do it) than abstience. Abstinece takes alcohol out of the equation, so there is no "planning", "limiting", "monitoring", or worrying about how much, little or whether you are going to blow it and make a fool of yourself or worse, sometimes much worse. I can honestly say that I stay abstinent because it is the easier softer way and for me the only thing that makes sense. There are a lot of sober martyrs that moan of the difficulties, but hell, its easier than drinking.

smacked

Any of 'us' could drink again if we wanted.. Some of us might be able to control it a little.. why take the chance? I'm no longer THAT obsessed with drinking that I'd risk anything negative happening as a result of it.

Dee74

Welcome to SR NoHo

I started as a binge drinker...I would drink heavily at weekends, and not during the week...by missing a couple of months of weekends I was able to convince myself I was 'cured'...the next 15 years or so taught me otherwise LOL.

I'm glad to see, unlike me, you seem to recognise what you call 'a greater awareness of my potential inability to control it through anything other than abstinence'.

I think you're on the right track
D

gardner

Hi--Thanks for sharing your story. You mentioned that once you have a few drinks it is hard for you to stop. This is something that I suffer from, though I also craved drinks and was a daily drinker. It sounds like your drinking has been noticed by others and has caused you to feel at risk at work. You wondering if down the road you might be able to drink responsibly. My thought is, why take any more risks? There are 2 things you seem to know for sure: 1. Not drinking has brought you unexpected clarity and no alcohol related problems. 2. The dumbest decisions that you have made have been related to alcohol. Moderation doesn't work. Not in my opinion, anyway. Talk to anyone who has tried moderating and see where it led. Once you start drinking, by the very nature of the drug, you are not thinking clearly, even after just one. This makes it pretty difficult to navigate through "moderating" the rest of the evening and sticking to the 3 drinks that mm allows for. I believe that the founder of moderation management ended up driving extremely drunk and killing people with her drunk driving.

My experience with moderation is that it worked at first on some occasions. Eventually I ended up in the same place--wasted and making the same stupid drunk decisions I thought I could moderate my way out of. Then I would wake up the next day with anxiety and regret, often feeling such despair I wanted to just crawl under a rock and die.

Life is not perfect now and I still deal with other issues I am working on. But it is a lot easier than when I was drunk or hungover several days a week. And I am able to work on other issues because I am not hungover all the time and dealing with just getting through the hangover. How many times have you woken up and thought "I really wish I would have gotten drunk last night?" How many times have you woken up and thought "I really wish I didn't drink last night?" Compare the numbers and my guess is that there will be a lot of checks on one side and none on the other.

You are lucky if it wasn't difficult to put the booze down for a couple of weeks. It was very hard for me and took several attempts. Stick with it while it is easy. No Irish people have to know that you don't drink. Just say "I am not drinking tonight. Don't feel up to it." and leave it at that. I hope that you stick with not drinking. It has been over two years for me and there hasn't been one day where I woke up and regretted quitting.

Anna

Hi,

I disagree completely that there are situations where drinking is appropriate. What I drink is always a personal choice and I have no interest in what others think is appropriate. It reminds of a time about ten years ago when I stopped eating meat/chicken. Since then I have never been in a situation where eating meat was appropriate. I eat what I choose too. Sorry, I will step offr my soapbox now!

As for the panic attacks, I totally relate to that. Drinking caused me to have massive panic attacks that were very uncomfortable. At first I was in denial that alcohol was causing the problem, but it became more and more evident. Now, I don't drink, and I do still have panic attacks sometimes. But, so far, I have been able to get through them alright.