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SomeoneSomwhere 06-06-2010 10:03 AM

I hope it gets better because I miserable with all capital letters right now.

I know my family is just trying to help and I should be grateful but right now theyíre making me feel worse. I want distractions, I want to go out. But Iím not allowed to leave the house without my Mom or Step Dad. I fell asleep at 6:30 this morning and I havenít slept in days, I wrote my Mom a note asking her to let me sleep in but she forced me to go to a meeting at 10:00 so she woke me up at 9. I was exhausted I just wanted to sleep, sleep is nice, I get away from my thoughts and falling asleep is a huge challenge right now. I wasnít in the right mood for a meeting today and I was p/o, tired and not happy about being there the whole time so it didnít help. Like seriously I just sat in the corner away from everyone, arms crossed and didn't talk or even listen really. (Bad attitude I know a women came up to me after and asked I wanted to talk and I said I wasn't in the right mood but thanks and she just told me to keep coming back but it wouldn't help as much w/o right attitude) I really just wanted to sleep. I know my Mom is just trying to help but cutting me off from life, forcing me to sit in my room and think and hurt and crave the drink isnít good. They took my ID, they search my bag I canít drink and if I really wanted to I would an they couldnít stop me but I wonít. I just need to get out of here, I really just wish sheíd let me stay asleep this morning because I canít stand being in my head this much.

Kmber2010 06-06-2010 10:16 AM

Have you thought about maybe having your parents look at the forum here for family support? Either way....they can't get you sober, only you. Its hard getting sober with some many around you wanting to help when many of us just want to be left alone.

I rather post one pushes me, preaches, blah blah. It is simply put out there for me to either take it or leave it. We get it so keep posting SS. Your parents are just trying to help but maybe you can turn them onto some internet reading on support. It may help them get what you are going through and find some help for themselves.

If you don't think they will change then look at you or me or anyone around here. Change is possible. They will do far more good being supportive but they can't walk the line for you. Only you can do that.

So happy you are staying sober!!

SomeoneSomwhere 06-06-2010 10:43 AM

I canít do it anymore.
I canít do any of it.
My family keeps guilt tripping me, telling me what a horrible person I am as if I want to make everyone feel this way. Everything is spiraling out of control I donít want to hurt people, donít mean to hurt people but I canít change the state Iím in or the way I feel.
Everyone says to get over him but I canít. Everyone keeps telling me to accept the help Iím getting and be grateful but I just want to shut myself away from the world andÖ
Weíre supposed to go on vacation, we go every summer. We havenít been since my brother died and last time we were there I was with Ryan as well. And he told me he loved me for the first time while we were there. I canít go there I canít. Itís going to hurt so bad and theyíre going to make me go but I canít handle it and they say Iím selfish and I need to realize they care about me I freking know they do but that doesnít make the fact that he doesnít hurt any less or any of the other crap feel any better they just donít get it

And they wouldnít ever accept going to this forum they hate online stuff and they wonít even go to meetingsÖ I told them to...alcoholism is selfish and severe depression it doesn't really matter how many people care, especially on top of heart break and greif... you're not going to be happy. I'm supposed to be at work in 15 minutes but I'm too freking hysterical right now to go

ConfusedNC 06-06-2010 11:12 AM

SS - You're in a tough spot now, that's for sure. All I can offer is this:

1) F that guy. Seriously, life is too precious to waste on people who are not worthy of respect. I know it is hard, but time will heal this wound. When I was 20, I got dumped by my gf and I thought the world would end. It hurt for a while, but life got much, much better and I realize now it would have been worse had we stayed together.

2) Your priority is YOU, not your family, not your ex-boyfriend, or anything else. Whatever steps you have to take to get clean and healthy, you take them.

3) I promise you things will get better if you let them. You have to fight for it, and know that the future will be better. It really will.

We're all pulling for you, SS.

Desert2trees 06-06-2010 11:22 AM

SS - I'm so sorry I haven't been in the forums for a couple of days. Know this: we are all pulling for you girl! If you aren't getting support to get through today at home, from your family.... you will get it here. We care.

I have some heavy abandonment issues too. I am also grieving. I know you feel alone right now... even in a room full of family. I know this is one of the hardest days of your life so far, and you are probably aprehensive about rehab. You CAN do this. You have already done things to stand up for yourself and your health. Keep standing!

Tomorrow, when you check into rehab, you will see that its a safe place, and there will be others just like you in there.

As for Ryan... C'mon girl, you know you deserve better than a FB brush off!! You take care of you right now, its the best thing you can do for you. When we have abandonment issues, we tend to hold on to unhealthy relationships... you don't need to keep hanging on to someone who doesn't even care about you enough to face you when they feel the relationship isn't working out, just to have someone, anyone, in your life. Your life is yours - make it awesome! Once you learn to love yourself, you can then find someone healthy to love who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

I am so glad you got to a meeting, and had the wherewithal to be more honest with yourself and your family. You are stronger than you think lady! :c011:

artsoul 06-06-2010 11:28 AM

SS - Try some deep, slow breathing for a minute or two. It helps calm that hyped-up feeling.

Are you going into rehab tomorrow? I know it's difficult to deal with all your emotions right now, but you only have a matter of hours until you can focus on recovery and not have all these distractions. You'll be able to talk about ALL of it once you get to treatment. So hang tough, OK?

I know how hard it is to live with your parents right now, but they're probably having a rough time, too. It's confusing because you want to be treated like an adult and have certain freedoms, but you're still a dependent child in many ways. Add alcoholism into the picture, and what's a parent to do? Look at this as a transition time on the way to better days.....and try to let things go as much as possible. Remember also, that alot of your extreme emotions are part and parcel of the first days of recovery. So, it's normal, and it really will get better....... sending hugs.....

Kmber2010 06-06-2010 12:27 PM

SS, I also agree that you just need to hang in there till rehab. I will be blunt here.

You need definitely to get out that situation for a bit to get focused.
Not sure how they can force you to go. I wouldn't personally. Hell no.
Calm down and breath is definitely good advice given.

Tomorrow is almost here. Rehab will really help and get you out that situation.

Keep posting girl.

Fandy 06-06-2010 04:33 PM

Just another few hours...SS, take a deep breath and tough it a few days you will be feeling a bit a fewdays you will think more a few days, you will be grateful for your family intervening on your behalf....

I would give my thumbs to have that kind of caring and support.

Dee74 06-06-2010 05:08 PM

I agree SS - try to focus on rehab not the vacation for now.
There's time enough to deal with that when it arrives.


gardner 06-06-2010 05:30 PM

There is no use worry about these future events because you don't know how you will feel.

I have so been there with the abandonment issues and feeling like I was going crazy due to being broken up with by some boyfriend. Try to take a deep breath and remember something quite simple but that has always helped me: feelings pass. Eventually, they all become less severe. I know it's hard to keep in mind. Try to focus on what a smart young woman you are. I wish I had your wear-with-all at that age. Hang in there.

SomeoneSomwhere 06-06-2010 07:46 PM

I was supposed to go to rehab but something with my insurance company fell through and I was on the phone with them but because itís not under me (itís under my S Dad as the subscriber so he has to deal with them) and I donít know how to deal with the governmentÖ we have Masshealth which is Medicaid and our coverage is limitedÖ and basically they said my insurance didnít run through right so weíd have to pay Ö which we canít do. And this vacation is on Thursday and I was supposed to be in rehab but now they think itís best if I come with them to get away for a while, have fun, relax and then come back and deal with everything then =(
Iím not as upset as I was earlier but I hurt all the time, sometimes itís unbearable most of the time itís just there. I know Iím only 21 but when I look at my future I see nothing and no where I want to go and nothing I want to do, itís so stupid that the only thing I ever wanted was to be with some abusive jerk who no longer loved me and yet I didÖ
I am one royally f***ed up young adult.
PS- Sorry this thread is getting insanely long, itís just easier than starting a new one and you have no idea how helpful this board is. You guys keep me sane youíre all so understanding and each and every reply I read does make that pain lessen just a little bit for just a little while.
I worked for 8 hours today and that made me feel better, for some reason completing tasks just helps me be distracted. Iím also friendly with people at work but I donít know how Iím going to handle the next week especially when Iím thereÖwhere both Ryan and Joel are everywhere but are both actually deadÖ one literally and one might as well be =(
Sometimes it really does feel like I lose everyone who is most important to me in my life.

I've always liked alcohol too much, always used it to gain confidence or have more fun or loosen up...etc etc etc but I hate that I'm letting a guy get me to this point. Sure Joel and my Uncle passing away don't help and the fact that my Dad never knew me doesn't help but mostly this is all because of him. This pain I feel is because he doesn't love me anymore... that's messed up. I just don't understand that. At all. Sure I can stop drinking but how do you stop hurting?

Kmber2010 06-06-2010 09:37 PM

SS, I am glad you are not as upset. Being sober won't make our problems/pain go away but what it does is give us a healthy life where we can see things clearly.

I am sorry you are going through this pain especially at a young age and I would say much of that can be helped with the aid of good counselor. I know it didn't work in the past but maybe get a new person that you connect with.

I know the first counselor I saw in January made actually feel awful. She was not familiar with addiction and when I told her that I quit cold turkey and felt great and wanted to get help for underlying issues/pain/etc., the witch said....."yeah right you are sober, all alcoholics tell themselves will probably relapse." WTF kinda support or encouragement was that. She looked at me in disgust. Yeah.....I finally connected with a different one who totally got my past and has been helping me understand alcoholism and why I am an alcoholic. Good guy.

Keep us posted on the rehab. If that doesn't go through is there any family you can stay with? I also will throw out maybe getting into Ameri Corp or something. You have so many options and I think a change up of location, etc. will totally help.

You need to heal and with sobriety and a program of recovery you can do it. I think if you keep on in the same may go back to the old habits you know. I certainly did which is why I made changes in my life to go along with sobriety.

I don't push AA on anyone, since I don't do it but getting a sponsor and beginning to work the steps could be extremely beneficial in helping you achieve a positive healthy sober life.

Point is.....there are many options. Just putting the bottle down and walking the same path won't keep you off the sauce.

You can do this so please hang on. I would go to a meeting and take up the support offers. You will be amazed at how many doors will open and of course SR is here and cheering for you.

That better place is there for are getting closer!!

Dee74 06-06-2010 10:26 PM

Well, I'm sorry the rehab thing isn't working out.
You need to be doing something different to what you have been doing.

I know it's easy for me to say this but I really encourage you to look at any other options you can to find treatment, SS


Toronto68 06-07-2010 06:58 AM

Someone, I realize that the coverage "logistics" between the various organizations can be complex, but it's bizarre that there are these incidents that keep cropping up to thwart the stay at rehab.

Another thing that I am wondering is whether this part-time job you were insisting on working at to stay busy is still the one where you were around alcohol. I could be remembering it wrong, but I thought it was a liquor store or something similar. If that's the case, it's odd that your mother would want you around there.

I don't know what your plans are to combat the issues, but I want to point out to you again that I had some similarities to you when it comes to relationships and dealing with emotions and losses. I got a little better at dealing with my relationship issues and self ownership, but of course I limited that through my addiction, which became real after merely dabbling in the consumption (experimenting with some "now you see drama, now you don't" and so forth). I have some extra capillaries to show for it, for one thing. If you keep going with what I think is dabbling in self-abuse, you might get exactly what you're asking for. Alcohol did its part to make things appear better for me, but it's not alcohol's fault it wasn't a friend. This is not anyone else but you. Sorry, but no matter who died or who hurt you, intentionally or not, you have a responsibility to carry on. You have to grieve your different kinds of bereavement properly and be responsible for your well-being. If you have been using alcohol in the ways you have been telling, you need to put yourself through some constructive plans. The confines of those plans are not the things that deprive you of freedom.

Fandy 06-07-2010 02:17 PM

Oh what a tangled web we weave.......

sorry SS, i have a hard time..comprehending your issues. I am very sympathetic to real problems and real have a lot of excuses as to WHY you can't take care of yourself.....

get up and get yourself some help......then tell us about it.

Dee74 06-07-2010 02:51 PM


this is a website for substance abuse treatment facilities - I suggest you and your folks look up your local area and see what other options you have - there are some indicators of cost on the website.

Substance Abuse Treatment Facility Locator


gardner 06-11-2010 05:39 PM

Did you ever get into rehab?

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