I was supposed to go to rehab but something with my insurance company fell through and I was on the phone with them but because it’s not under me (it’s under my S Dad as the subscriber so he has to deal with them) and I don’t know how to deal with the government… we have Masshealth which is Medicaid and our coverage is limited… and basically they said my insurance didn’t run through right so we’d have to pay … which we can’t do. And this vacation is on Thursday and I was supposed to be in rehab but now they think it’s best if I come with them to get away for a while, have fun, relax and then come back and deal with everything then =(
I’m not as upset as I was earlier but I hurt all the time, sometimes it’s unbearable most of the time it’s just there. I know I’m only 21 but when I look at my future I see nothing and no where I want to go and nothing I want to do, it’s so stupid that the only thing I ever wanted was to be with some abusive jerk who no longer loved me and yet I did…
I am one royally f***ed up young adult.
PS- Sorry this thread is getting insanely long, it’s just easier than starting a new one and you have no idea how helpful this board is. You guys keep me sane you’re all so understanding and each and every reply I read does make that pain lessen just a little bit for just a little while.
I worked for 8 hours today and that made me feel better, for some reason completing tasks just helps me be distracted. I’m also friendly with people at work but I don’t know how I’m going to handle the next week especially when I’m there…where both Ryan and Joel are everywhere but are both actually dead… one literally and one might as well be =(
Sometimes it really does feel like I lose everyone who is most important to me in my life.

I've always liked alcohol too much, always used it to gain confidence or have more fun or loosen up...etc etc etc but I hate that I'm letting a guy get me to this point. Sure Joel and my Uncle passing away don't help and the fact that my Dad never knew me doesn't help but mostly this is all because of him. This pain I feel is because he doesn't love me anymore... that's messed up. I just don't understand that. At all. Sure I can stop drinking but how do you stop hurting?

SS, I am glad you are not as upset. Being sober won't make our problems/pain go away but what it does is give us a healthy life where we can see things clearly.

I am sorry you are going through this pain especially at a young age and I would say much of that can be helped with the aid of good counselor. I know it didn't work in the past but maybe get a new person that you connect with.

I know the first counselor I saw in January made actually feel awful. She was not familiar with addiction and when I told her that I quit cold turkey and felt great and wanted to get help for underlying issues/pain/etc., the witch said....."yeah right you are sober, all alcoholics tell themselves that.....you will probably relapse." WTF kinda support or encouragement was that. She looked at me in disgust. Yeah.....I finally connected with a different one who totally got my past and has been helping me understand alcoholism and why I am an alcoholic. Good guy.

Keep us posted on the rehab. If that doesn't go through is there any family you can stay with? I also will throw out maybe getting into Ameri Corp or something. You have so many options and I think a change up of location, etc. will totally help.

You need to heal and with sobriety and a program of recovery you can do it. I think if you keep on in the same scenario.....you may go back to the old habits you know. I certainly did which is why I made changes in my life to go along with sobriety.

I don't push AA on anyone, since I don't do it but getting a sponsor and beginning to work the steps could be extremely beneficial in helping you achieve a positive healthy sober life.

Point is.....there are many options. Just putting the bottle down and walking the same path won't keep you off the sauce.

You can do this so please hang on. I would go to a meeting and take up the support offers. You will be amazed at how many doors will open and of course SR is here and cheering for you.

That better place is there for you....you are getting closer!!

Well, I'm sorry the rehab thing isn't working out.
You need to be doing something different to what you have been doing.

I know it's easy for me to say this but I really encourage you to look at any other options you can to find treatment, SS

D

Someone, I realize that the coverage "logistics" between the various organizations can be complex, but it's bizarre that there are these incidents that keep cropping up to thwart the stay at rehab.

Another thing that I am wondering is whether this part-time job you were insisting on working at to stay busy is still the one where you were around alcohol. I could be remembering it wrong, but I thought it was a liquor store or something similar. If that's the case, it's odd that your mother would want you around there.

I don't know what your plans are to combat the issues, but I want to point out to you again that I had some similarities to you when it comes to relationships and dealing with emotions and losses. I got a little better at dealing with my relationship issues and self ownership, but of course I limited that through my addiction, which became real after merely dabbling in the consumption (experimenting with some "now you see drama, now you don't" and so forth). I have some extra capillaries to show for it, for one thing. If you keep going with what I think is dabbling in self-abuse, you might get exactly what you're asking for. Alcohol did its part to make things appear better for me, but it's not alcohol's fault it wasn't a friend. This is not anyone else but you. Sorry, but no matter who died or who hurt you, intentionally or not, you have a responsibility to carry on. You have to grieve your different kinds of bereavement properly and be responsible for your well-being. If you have been using alcohol in the ways you have been telling, you need to put yourself through some constructive plans. The confines of those plans are not the things that deprive you of freedom.

Oh what a tangled web we weave.......

sorry SS, i have a hard time..comprehending your issues. I am very sympathetic to real problems and real people.....you have a lot of excuses as to WHY you can't take care of yourself.....

get up and get yourself some help......then tell us about it.

SS

this is a website for substance abuse treatment facilities - I suggest you and your folks look up your local area and see what other options you have - there are some indicators of cost on the website.

Substance Abuse Treatment Facility Locator

D

Did you ever get into rehab?