Giving it another go.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 83
Giving it another go.
Hey all, I was referred to this site by a good friend, whom I met in AA during my first trying months almost exactly 1 year ago.
My Story:
I'm a young guy, gonna be 30 this year, and I've been a drinker for a long time. I think I've abused just about every drug ever given to me, cigarettes, alcohol, pot, extacy, coke. Though it was alcohol that for some reason, I chose to continually abuse. Either cause it's readily available, or socially acceptable to do so, I'm sure it was one of those reasons.
I had been thinking about joining AA for several years actually, and eventually I had a friend who joined a group, and recommended it to me. I made my first meeting about 1 year ago, and lasted about 15 days. I ditched the program, and went back to my old habbits.
I then returned to the room, and dug in and made it 30 more days, only to go back out again, and repeat repeat. I returned for the third time, and to some verbal lashings from my closest friends in the group that it wasn't going to work well for me if I didn't take it seriously. So I decided to get serious.
I did almost a 90/90 for the next 3 months, joined other groups, even in different languages. I tried to be as objective as possible, and not make any waves, to be an observer, and try and pick out the message that was meant for me in these meetings. I was doing well, and got my 90 day chip from my closest friend that I had made in the group. I felt good about it, and proud of myself, even to the point that I thought I had this thing licked, and it couldn't touch me again!
Well then, I moved. A BIG geographical change for me, and I stopped going to meetings, and slowly, I returned to my old drinking habits. These habits, well, aren't the easiest for me to say that they are bad, (are they for anyone?!?) I get drunk, quietly alone, by myself, in my own little world. I don't invite friends in, except for excellent Internet TV. I'm usually hung over on the weekdays, but not to the point of not functioning, but definitely not to my best performance. On the weekends, I make sure to go all out, lotsa beer, and several bottles of wine or a good bottle of scotch. By the time my weekends are over, I need another one just to recover, but guess what I'd do with that time!?!?!
I'm tired of just being -FUNCTIONAL- (I think I'm better than that...)
So it's been 6 months since my 90 day chip, and my last meeting, and I've decided, in part to my dear friends suffering, that I am suffering as well, and it's time to give myself a break, get honest, and start communicating through the world of AA.
I know it's not a perfect world, and I'm going to run into many obstacles, and get hung up on the wrong ideals, and focus on others problems and ticks, and "imperfections" instead of mine. Hopefully you can help me when I am blindsided, or too close to the problem to see for myself what the correct direction is to turn.
I have a lot of emotional healing to do before forward progress can be made and that will take time, but first things first, I'm glad to be here, and because of my meeting tonight, and this forum, you've helped me not pick up a drink and to purge my thoughts that would want me to pick up a drink.
Cheers
Lithobid
Day 1
My Story:
I'm a young guy, gonna be 30 this year, and I've been a drinker for a long time. I think I've abused just about every drug ever given to me, cigarettes, alcohol, pot, extacy, coke. Though it was alcohol that for some reason, I chose to continually abuse. Either cause it's readily available, or socially acceptable to do so, I'm sure it was one of those reasons.
I had been thinking about joining AA for several years actually, and eventually I had a friend who joined a group, and recommended it to me. I made my first meeting about 1 year ago, and lasted about 15 days. I ditched the program, and went back to my old habbits.
I then returned to the room, and dug in and made it 30 more days, only to go back out again, and repeat repeat. I returned for the third time, and to some verbal lashings from my closest friends in the group that it wasn't going to work well for me if I didn't take it seriously. So I decided to get serious.
I did almost a 90/90 for the next 3 months, joined other groups, even in different languages. I tried to be as objective as possible, and not make any waves, to be an observer, and try and pick out the message that was meant for me in these meetings. I was doing well, and got my 90 day chip from my closest friend that I had made in the group. I felt good about it, and proud of myself, even to the point that I thought I had this thing licked, and it couldn't touch me again!
Well then, I moved. A BIG geographical change for me, and I stopped going to meetings, and slowly, I returned to my old drinking habits. These habits, well, aren't the easiest for me to say that they are bad, (are they for anyone?!?) I get drunk, quietly alone, by myself, in my own little world. I don't invite friends in, except for excellent Internet TV. I'm usually hung over on the weekdays, but not to the point of not functioning, but definitely not to my best performance. On the weekends, I make sure to go all out, lotsa beer, and several bottles of wine or a good bottle of scotch. By the time my weekends are over, I need another one just to recover, but guess what I'd do with that time!?!?!
I'm tired of just being -FUNCTIONAL- (I think I'm better than that...)
So it's been 6 months since my 90 day chip, and my last meeting, and I've decided, in part to my dear friends suffering, that I am suffering as well, and it's time to give myself a break, get honest, and start communicating through the world of AA.
I know it's not a perfect world, and I'm going to run into many obstacles, and get hung up on the wrong ideals, and focus on others problems and ticks, and "imperfections" instead of mine. Hopefully you can help me when I am blindsided, or too close to the problem to see for myself what the correct direction is to turn.
I have a lot of emotional healing to do before forward progress can be made and that will take time, but first things first, I'm glad to be here, and because of my meeting tonight, and this forum, you've helped me not pick up a drink and to purge my thoughts that would want me to pick up a drink.
Cheers
Lithobid
Day 1
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Way to go, Lithobid! Glad to hear you're going back to meetings and making the choice to get sober again. Most of us have had false starts but you can do it this time. The great thing about SR is that when it's midnight and you have no one to talk to, you can come here and post/read - there's always someone around to listen and provide support. It's gotten me through many tough spots. Congratulations on Day1!
Snarf Snarf
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: ATL
Posts: 835
Lithobid, congrats on making the decision to live a better life. It helps me to keep it simple like that, because when I break it down, a life without alcohol is better than living as a drunk. So if I know I have the chance to make my life better than it otherwise would be, I'd be a fool not to.
Something you said struck a chord with me: "I'm tired of just being -FUNCTIONAL- (I think I'm better than that...)" Even when I was drinking my heaviest, I held down a job, had a great fiancee, a fantastic family...I thought I was pretty functional. But after a little while without the booze, I realize I wasn't functioning at all. My body was going through the motions, but it was very far from functioning on any level. I was merely existing, and even that is a stretch.
Thanks for joining us here. Many of us have used AA to help battle our alcoholism, others have used countless different methods. I don't believe there's 1 specific path to success, but I know what works for me. There's a lot of good people here and a wealth of knowledge and experience.
Something you said struck a chord with me: "I'm tired of just being -FUNCTIONAL- (I think I'm better than that...)" Even when I was drinking my heaviest, I held down a job, had a great fiancee, a fantastic family...I thought I was pretty functional. But after a little while without the booze, I realize I wasn't functioning at all. My body was going through the motions, but it was very far from functioning on any level. I was merely existing, and even that is a stretch.
Thanks for joining us here. Many of us have used AA to help battle our alcoholism, others have used countless different methods. I don't believe there's 1 specific path to success, but I know what works for me. There's a lot of good people here and a wealth of knowledge and experience.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 83
Originally Posted by Snarf 
Something you said struck a chord with me: "I'm tired of just being -FUNCTIONAL- (I think I'm better than that...)" Even when I was drinking my heaviest, I held down a job, had a great fiancee, a fantastic family...I thought I was pretty functional. But after a little while without the booze, I realize I wasn't functioning at all. My body was going through the motions, but it was very far from functioning on any level. I was merely existing, and even that is a stretch.
I appreciate your insight and comments, thanks for your support.
Snarf Snarf
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: ATL
Posts: 835
The Hell that we live in when we continue to drink in the face of obvious consequences gets to be almost unbearable, doesn't it? Having to be mad at ourselves for drinking, then drinking some more to get rid of that feeling, then wondering why we can't just be like normal people and go to work and come home and not drink and live a normal life...Man, it takes a lot of energy to be a full-time drunk and hold a full-time job. But without the booze, we still have that energy and can direct it in a more positive manner. Doesn't it feel great to be uplifted, inspired, excited, and joyful about life? I don't feel like that all the time, but when I don't, I try to remember the times when I do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 83
Right there with you Snarf, I know we won't always be in a positive frame of mind in our sobriety, but I was not capable of an "authentic" positive frame of mind when I was drunk, or hungover the next morning. Through sobriety, when inspiration exists, at least I'll be able to do something with it!
Toro Solo
Join Date: May 2010
Location: san francisco
Posts: 103
I struggle to imagine that all those people that I admire, the ones who have made real changes in the world, gave huge amounts of time to others or created great things were doing it hungover all the time. I really feel I have more to offer than just the bare minimum which is all I'm capable of when I'm drinking.
Sure I can run my business, provide for my wife and do a bit of socializing but will I lie there on my death bed proud of what I've accomplished? I don't think so..
I expressed something like this to my wife with regards to why I'm stopping and she said well you still need to take the initiative to do other things and I was first offended as if she questioned my work ethic or drive but then I thought about it and told her even if I don't do anything more when I 'm not drinking I really don't think I'm going to lie on that death bed thinking god I wished I had drank more!
So, I'm going to start taking Spanish lessons again and see if there isn't any volunteer work I can do in the Mission (spanish speaking district in SF) for starters...
then see what happens...
Sure I can run my business, provide for my wife and do a bit of socializing but will I lie there on my death bed proud of what I've accomplished? I don't think so..
I expressed something like this to my wife with regards to why I'm stopping and she said well you still need to take the initiative to do other things and I was first offended as if she questioned my work ethic or drive but then I thought about it and told her even if I don't do anything more when I 'm not drinking I really don't think I'm going to lie on that death bed thinking god I wished I had drank more!
So, I'm going to start taking Spanish lessons again and see if there isn't any volunteer work I can do in the Mission (spanish speaking district in SF) for starters...
then see what happens...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Sunny Down Under
Posts: 64
I get drunk, quietly alone, by myself, in my own little world. I don't invite friends in, except for excellent Internet TV. I'm usually hung over on the weekdays, but not to the point of not functioning, but definitely not to my best performance. On the weekends, I make sure to go all out, lotsa beer, and several bottles of wine or a good bottle of scotch. By the time my weekends are over, I need another one just to recover, but guess what I'd do with that time!?!?!
Nice to see you come back and give things another try. You seem to have things worked out way better than I did when I was doing my routine. I was in complete denial and out of touch with reality.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 83
It's morning, and I've come through the night well, thanks to SR's posts and chat room, this site is quite amazing, and definitely very supportive. I'm glad I've found you guys and gals.
So I woke up, and put the coffee on, and noticed that the first thing I did was to make my bed. A friend I met in my old AA group, Robby, had said " I do little things, like make my bed, as a routine, to show myself, that I'm ok with my sobriety, and also as a watch for me to see if I'm sticking to my routine, to see if I need to worry or not that day about picking up"
I had also made it last night, when cleaning up a little after the meeting. It's amazing how subconscious these things can be, but I realized that making my bed is something I had stopped doing since I started drinking again. Before, making my bed was one of the little "sober" routines that I had, to show myself that I was changing my life for the positive, and putting effort in.
As I was folding the sheets this morning, I realized that I had been lying to myself. For the last 6 months I've been lying to myself, and believing my own lies. I was not drinking responsibility. I was not drinking moderately. I was not in control of my drinking. I was not in control of my life. I have not had my best interests in mind. These, along with many other lies I was telling myself and believing.
I know there is so much more out there for me than just a dark room, with a bottle and a computer, and emptiness. I have to be pro-active though, and go and seek that, what ever it is that I want, and it's not always easy being pro-active. Though a good place to start before was routines. So here's to welcoming some routines back into my life.
Thanks for reading.
Cheers
Lithobid
Working on day 2.
So I woke up, and put the coffee on, and noticed that the first thing I did was to make my bed. A friend I met in my old AA group, Robby, had said " I do little things, like make my bed, as a routine, to show myself, that I'm ok with my sobriety, and also as a watch for me to see if I'm sticking to my routine, to see if I need to worry or not that day about picking up"
I had also made it last night, when cleaning up a little after the meeting. It's amazing how subconscious these things can be, but I realized that making my bed is something I had stopped doing since I started drinking again. Before, making my bed was one of the little "sober" routines that I had, to show myself that I was changing my life for the positive, and putting effort in.
As I was folding the sheets this morning, I realized that I had been lying to myself. For the last 6 months I've been lying to myself, and believing my own lies. I was not drinking responsibility. I was not drinking moderately. I was not in control of my drinking. I was not in control of my life. I have not had my best interests in mind. These, along with many other lies I was telling myself and believing.
I know there is so much more out there for me than just a dark room, with a bottle and a computer, and emptiness. I have to be pro-active though, and go and seek that, what ever it is that I want, and it's not always easy being pro-active. Though a good place to start before was routines. So here's to welcoming some routines back into my life.
Thanks for reading.
Cheers
Lithobid
Working on day 2.
Snarf Snarf
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: ATL
Posts: 835
Lithobid, the routines can really help you a lot as you try to stop drinking. My whole day was filled with drinking, so I had to start doing the "little things" to take up time in my day that would normally be spent consuming alcohol. Making the bed is one of those "little things," but it takes up 5 minutes of my time and is something positive I can do rather than negative. I also discovered the exercise room in my apartment complex. If I wake up early and work out (which I try to do, but to moderate success), I find it starts my day off in a very positive manner and that good feeling carries on through the rest of the day.
My routine also involves cooking. I live with my fiancee, and its a lot easier to cook for 2 people than for 1. So at night I'll prepare and cook a meal and do the dishes, and that's usually about 1.5 hours or so that I'm doing something positive and not drinking or thinking about drinking.
The biggest part of my routine, however, is prayer. I pray to my God, some people pray to deceased loved ones or the Great Pumpkin or whatever. But if I start my day on my knees, thankful and humble, it sets the tone for the rest of the day. When I ask my God to guide me throughout the day, to show me the things to do to carry out His will rather than my own, I remember those prayers throughout the day and they help me in certain sticky situations. It helps to put me at ease and to cleanse myself of worry and fear and anxiety that I experienced so much when I was drinking.
My routine also involves cooking. I live with my fiancee, and its a lot easier to cook for 2 people than for 1. So at night I'll prepare and cook a meal and do the dishes, and that's usually about 1.5 hours or so that I'm doing something positive and not drinking or thinking about drinking.
The biggest part of my routine, however, is prayer. I pray to my God, some people pray to deceased loved ones or the Great Pumpkin or whatever. But if I start my day on my knees, thankful and humble, it sets the tone for the rest of the day. When I ask my God to guide me throughout the day, to show me the things to do to carry out His will rather than my own, I remember those prayers throughout the day and they help me in certain sticky situations. It helps to put me at ease and to cleanse myself of worry and fear and anxiety that I experienced so much when I was drinking.
Practice Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: KC missouri
Posts: 885
I have relapsed a couple times. The best thing for me was to research why I relapsed and go to meetings. I relapsed not long ago. ugh...Hard to forgive myself, but I figure, this is what a Man does, face that he has a problem and try to figure it again. I am sacrificing my time tonight to go to a meeting.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Hi there
You know now that your 90 day chip doesnt keep you sober, the steps will get you to your spiritual awakening which will keep you sober...concentrate on that this time like i did and you will recover and have a happy and sober life:-)
You know now that your 90 day chip doesnt keep you sober, the steps will get you to your spiritual awakening which will keep you sober...concentrate on that this time like i did and you will recover and have a happy and sober life:-)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 83
Had a frustrating day today. I let things get to me, and impact my emotions, and coming home from work, really wanted to crack that beer. I was able to remind myself that I don't want to do that anymore, and I got myself to another meeting. I'm feeling better as I always do after a meeting, but still not terrific, but that's ok, I know it will be like this for a while. The roller coaster of emotions goes on after the last drink that's for sure. Writing it out on this forum helps a great deal though, and I'm glad I've found it here. If I drink I'm just going to ruin tomorrow, and I haven't finished with today yet, that would be foolish.
Lithobid
Lithobid
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
You got yourself to a meeting and you're here, so give yourself a hand!
I try to remind myself that things always look better in the morning, if I'm sober, that is! As you said, the first week was taxing. I found that I was tired, irritable, foggy, and had trouble really sleeping well. Thank goodness the folks around here were right - it does get better!
I try to remind myself that things always look better in the morning, if I'm sober, that is! As you said, the first week was taxing. I found that I was tired, irritable, foggy, and had trouble really sleeping well. Thank goodness the folks around here were right - it does get better!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 83
Today was much better, I got some sleep over the night, and made it to the noon meeting, as I had to work late tonight. Unfortunately tomorrow, I won't be able to make any meetings, and I don't like that. I wish I could but time does not permit. I will be counting on SR to be there when I get home late if I'm in a mood and need to talk. Again, I can't say how much this forum helps, just to be able to share, and give a quick update.
In my meeting today I shared about Acceptance Vs. Admittance. I have the latter down, admitting I have a problem is no longer a problem for me. It's after I rack a few weeks, or even days of sobriety, that I have trouble accepting that I am and alcoholic, and that if I pick up again, my old habits will come tumbling back into line. When the problem is there, hangover, headache, too drunk to see friends, or drive, ..ect, I can admit to that. But when it's smooth sailing a few weeks later, it is hard to remember the clouds that once hung over my head. I'm hoping these online posts, will help me remember.
Cheers
Lithobid
Day 3
In my meeting today I shared about Acceptance Vs. Admittance. I have the latter down, admitting I have a problem is no longer a problem for me. It's after I rack a few weeks, or even days of sobriety, that I have trouble accepting that I am and alcoholic, and that if I pick up again, my old habits will come tumbling back into line. When the problem is there, hangover, headache, too drunk to see friends, or drive, ..ect, I can admit to that. But when it's smooth sailing a few weeks later, it is hard to remember the clouds that once hung over my head. I'm hoping these online posts, will help me remember.
Cheers
Lithobid
Day 3
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