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Kidding myself

Old 05-29-2010, 05:31 PM
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Scars,Souvineers we never lose
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Thumbs down Kidding myself

I think I am kidding myself. I KNOW I dont want to drink mentally, and wont.

I know for sure thats not going to fix all of the sadness I feel right now and how honestly crappy I feel as well.

But am I kidding myself and just supressing the feeling that physically I do want to drink?

I know I am overthingking it and making it more complicated, but maybe if i admitted that I want to drink icould address it, but theres really nothing I can do since I have my daughter here and my husband went to run errands, so I can harly be on here, cant read the BB, cant go to a meeting, call anyone, listen to anything on radio tv etc. since she wants all my attention right now, but I feel so yucky and empty inside that I'm not 100% tuned into enjoying her either.

We had a great day at the park together and it was HOT and we played and I was emotionally THERE for the first time in a long time, but is it this normal to feel sooo wiped out?

I didnt get to sleep until 5 AM last night and forced myself not to nap when she and my husband did this afternoon, so could I just be exhausted and dont have my liquid energy which is what I would normally get in this situation, on a Sat night and her not exhaustedfrom school/daycare all day?

Maybe I do want to drink and feel sad that I cant? Of all the bad things it did give me energu but thats not an option, could I possibly be mourning the loss of my dear friend beer that gave me energy, made me think I was enjoying (overly)playing w/ my daughter etc. If I was drinking i could do more than put a movie on for her I would cook dinner, play hide and seek something, but right now I dont have energy or happiness for anything.

Thanks for listeninig

<3Dream

So I dont know what to
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Old 05-29-2010, 05:39 PM
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I only have 30 days so I am no expert although I have had a few false starts. I think you are onto something when you mentioned the feelings going on. You are going to have to start working on those defects first I think. At least that is what has made the cravings less for me. Working on listing my defects and also taking inventory.
Believe it or not, until I started doing this, the cravings were bad; now, not so much. I am finding a daily inventory helps~
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Old 05-29-2010, 05:43 PM
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Hang in there this will pass. I've been reading your post since I joined and I do want you to get cleaned up so badly. :ghug3
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Old 05-29-2010, 05:45 PM
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I understand and yes maybe you are mourning your friend beer. We are so used to using alcohol to get by and then don't know how to act without it. But it's false and not the real us when we do stuff under the influence. If you stay sober, eventually you will find the energy to do a lot more, I am sure. Alcohol is a depresssant, not a stimulant. Frankly, I found that I was good for nothing when I drank and wanted to do nothing with my kids or my home. Just lay around. When I am sober, that's when I have the energy to do stuff. How long are you sober?
Hugs..........
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Old 05-29-2010, 05:53 PM
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Thanks, I'm on day 5 of no alcohol after many years and a 4 day non stop binge at the end un until last Sunday. I have been to AA everyday which I love except for today, but I am living it and will be back tomorrow.
But I havent gotten to that part yet so Im not sure exactly what you mean about taking inventory, I read about it in the big book, but havent started the steps yet, so I dont know how to do it.
I got a temp sponsor, but her sponsor kinda handed her to me and she seemed unsure of what to do, she called me yesterday and I was napping I clled her back and I wanted to get to know her a little but she just said dont drink she would pray for me and that she would call today, and she hasnt. I know I should call her but I really am not sure that she wanted to do it or just was b.c her sponsor wanted her to. But I cant find that out b.c I havent spoken to her and I cant have a phone conversation right now anywat until my daughter goes to sleep and then my temop sponsor will be alseep b.c she said she goes to bed at 9:30 PM b/c of her work schedule.
I really wanted the temop sponsor b.c I wanted to get started ASAP and I heard you are supposed to (I know every case is different) but most sponsors have sponsees call them daily at least for the first coupld weeks, and she hasnt told me to do that or anything.
When she said she would do it I told her what a mess I was and that I probably needed someone with a lot of time, and she said she had it, but I dont even know if she has sponsoed anyone before, I dont know anyhting about her.
I want to start working the steps so badly so I am working on myself, i know i have been learning a lot here and have done everything suggested to me but I really need an active sponsor...
I just dont know, maybe I just wanna drink....
<3 dream
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Old 05-29-2010, 05:55 PM
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Hi Dream,

When I quit drinking 5 years ago, I felt exactly the way you describe in your post for a few months.

I accepted that I wasn't feeling 'normal', I napped when I was tired even if it meant I didn't sleep well or long enough that night. I also accepted that I...just....wasn't liking things when I didn't and was thankful for the time I did that day, as you mentionedd earlier at the park today. You just have to ride it. Know that you will level out eventually. Maybe you could talk to your Dr. and ask for advice on changing your diet to help you through and get some exercise. Is there a walking group in your area? I sihned up with one back when and still get together with them.

Sorry you're feeling low but always think ahead to better times to come. It's okay to 'want a drink' but my dear, you can't. Just go to bed early or walk around the block when your husband gets back. Tomorrow is a new day.
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Old 05-29-2010, 06:24 PM
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Very true...you ALL are right and oh today is day 6 not 5. but I had only made it to five days once over the last year (the only other time I attempted or even cared to over the last couple years. It didnt dawn on me that I had a problem or needed to quit, b/c no one said anything and it didnt seem like a problem, all the sudden over the last couple months I started to DO some REALLY stupid things, uncharasteric of ME, and luckily over the last few weeks a lot of people started to call me out and tell me they were worried about me, even the people I drank and used with, thaty when I knew I had a problem, well not even then honestly, I had to keeo drinking/using, doing a lot more stupid things until I really lost a friend last week b/c if my actions that began about this time 1 week ago and lasted just about al night, I had sent him really drunken text messages all night, that I remember starting hi hows it going what are you up to tonight, that ended in a black out of text messages I apparently sent up through 5 AM that progressed to telling him (obviously he bieng a feind of mine and my husbands the texts got really innapropriate) to I want you I need you, this guy is like a brother to me and I really dont want him and am not attracted to him and my husband luckily knows that and believes it, and saw all of this after our friend showed him all of them b.c he felt really bad for my husband and upset with me bc he felt harassed all night, when apparently in the texts he started telling me to stop texing him, leave him alone, call tomorrow when I sober up etc. and I wouldnt stop and he was mad/concenred.
So he showed all the texts to my husband etc. which I have posted before but thats what lead to me finally realising I had a problem although a lot of peple in the weeks leading up showed concern, but gently, when I really needed a slap in the face.
Gerry I love "It's okay to 'want a drink' but my dear, you can't. Just go to bed early", HA! So simple isnt it, but your right IT IS.
If I could just turn my brain off and slow down a little I would sleep and its raining here so no walk, but your right i will try to take it easy on myself tonight is just the hardest night thus far for sure, b/c up until now I really didnt want to drink but I guess now I have to honestly say i know it would make me feel better for the moment, but ruin the rest of my life I already have to repair so i cant do it. Its not an option anymore.
Thank you guys, I really appreciate you being here. Hopefully when my husband gets home I will try to get motivated and cook the food he is gettng and not leave him to do everything as he has been for a looongggg time now. i could at least give the poor man that.
<3 Dream
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Old 05-30-2010, 03:28 AM
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...than never
 
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I want a drink too. But I want to be sober even more. Day 33 here, and I'm getting to the point where I think I can begin accepting that I'll always (to varying degrees) "want a drink". But so what? Doesn't mean I have to actually drink any alcohol. Because what's at the end of the drinking road is something that I don't want much more than I want a drink. It took many, many times of going "oh, what the h3ll, I'll have some drinks" to get to the point where I realized that no, I don't actually want to drink any alcohol, despite whatever ideations about drinking come up. Hope this helps.
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Old 05-30-2010, 03:31 AM
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It's a bumpy ride sometimes Dream - but it's so so worth it. Hang in there

D
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Old 05-30-2010, 05:22 AM
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Originally Posted by linjacjen View Post
Alcohol is a depresssant, not a stimulant.

This is usually one of the determining factors between the alcoholic and the normal drinker.


The normal drinker tends to feel relaxed after drinking, they use it to wind down and chill out.

The alcoholic takes a drink and they are ready to go. They crave more drink and the more they drink, the more energy they get, the more lively they get.

Like Dream, I used to use alcohol to give me the energy to cope with my young son. Of course, in the long term it caused far more problems than it solved.


Dream - your alcohol addicted brain is craving for it right now and is trying to get you to feed it. Physical cravings will pass in time as you abstain from drinking but the alcoholic also suffers from a mental obsession to drink which continues and can get an alcoholic back to drinking months, even years after a last drink.

The only solution I found to that was to have the mental obsession to drink removed. That's when being sober is easy. Working AA's 12 Steps, gets you a spiritual awakening and removes the obsession to drink.

While you are working your way towards that I suggest plenty of contact with the people you meet in AA - face to face and on the phone as well.
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Old 05-30-2010, 06:44 AM
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Hey
well I am obviously no expert. but you have your head in the right place from what I read, so keep the strength. I have been through (at least in my experience) a crapload of addictions, early it was C and H, then around 20 yrs ago quit that and guess what started... a 'little' drinking (ironically I never liked alcohol until my 30s). Do I think about it? Not as much now but I sure did, and I know how high and numb I could feel if I did. I came to a conclusion on those things that I really don't want to be numb, there is more to life than that, Much more. I am battling as you know my last addiction- alcohol- and I thought C was bad???? I kicked that with no problem. Maybe its because when you go to a restaurant they don't bring an appetizer tray out with lines of H and C on it. Whatever the reason- it all brings you down.
Love to you- you are a nice person.
Dub
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Old 05-30-2010, 07:52 AM
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Dream,

Taking an inventory is step 4 - "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves". My sponsor told me to pay close attention to adjectives and adverbs in the BB. What kind of inventory? Moral, searching and fearless. Easier said than done.

The BB tells us how to do this in the chapter "How it Works" on pages 64-71. It won't hurt to read this even before you start the real work with your sponsor. There is also lots of 3rd party literature and workbooks on step 4 that may be useful. Google is your friend here. There has probably been more written about step 4 than any other step.

Good luck and keep posting.
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Old 05-30-2010, 08:30 AM
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Dream, that is truly precious.....

Everytime I see a Quack Quack duck, I'll think of your story.
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Old 05-30-2010, 08:50 AM
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Originally Posted by dgillz View Post
There is also lots of 3rd party literature and workbooks on step 4 that may be useful. Google is your friend here. There has probably been more written about step 4 than any other step.

...and if you need to do something to occupy yourself through the long dark hours go to the XA speaker website and search for Joe and Charlie's Big Book Study.

There's hours of it to listen to and they take you through the BB and all the 12 steps in detail.

There are plenty of other inspirational AA speakers on that site too to keep you busy.
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Old 05-30-2010, 12:24 PM
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Hang in Dream. I had a rough day today and I am over 40 days. I survived and sadly it is self control and will power. Read whatever you can. Focus on anything but the drinking. You can do it girl!!

Im sending good thoughts your way.
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Old 05-30-2010, 01:01 PM
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hi Dream, hang in there, those feelings i am sure will pass, when thi gs really get too much or too lonely, remember JESUS is your friend, send up a prayer. HIS loving arms are underneath u right now carrying you througn the rough times. Hold onto GOD,s almighty hand and let HIM do the rest. (((HUGS)))
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