Dream2bClean

I havebt used 1 on about a month, I am goingt o AA evferyday for 4 days and have not drank, I am stiill struggling w/ opiates (getting off them mainly) but I have been taking them orally WHAT A CONCEPt but I just went to pick up my last (I hope) script and I was so tempted to drive across the street and but a box of syringes.
I didnt, I cant, I wont, I dont wnat to I am making progress by not drinking and not not shooting, snorting the pills, but its beenn about a month, and its frustrating with all the work I have been doing (yes in a few short days, but I have been doing everything suggested and I just cant speed up time) I am praying I get a sponser at an all womans meeitng I am going to tonight. I know starting on the steps will be very helpful.
But...I cant believe I had that thought, seriously considered it, my husband has NO tolerance left for my antics considering using in that way, I turn into a raging junkie, I check out of caring about him or my daughter, I still care but not as much, I think he would be done if I actually did it as he has put up with so much BS from me already, and its just gross, and my arms are finally almost all the way healed with no bruises and I can not go back to that.
NO NO NO I will not.
I dont really have any questions here, or know what I mean by posting this, i guess I am trying to be honest becasue I want to be held accountable, it was just a thought but that is scary. I though i was at least in the clear from considering that.
1 second at a time I guess...
Thanks for listening, I just need to ramble, as many of you are used to, by now, SR has been a huge coping tool for me and brings me relief.
>3 Dream

Kjell

I know the withdrawals are a b!tch, but I have to point out that if you weren't taking those pills, you'd have nothing to shoot up.

I think you're doing a good job, but at some point, you've got to stop taking those pills. To me, it's like admitting I'm an alcholic, but then only drinking beer. Oh wait, I tried that and I failed miserably

Please try to make this your last script.

Dream2bClean

Yes it is for sure I just have to wean off them as I am sure you know which is what I am currently in the process of doing.
I am praying I am successful b/c if you are not familiar with opiate withdrawal (which I am sure you probably are) it is nothing short of hell.
I did have spinal fusion surgery 1 and 1/2 years ago which is the cause for my pain that lead to my addiction of these pills in addition to my alcoholism, so there is a lot of rebound pain I will have to deal with, and then at least I will be able to truly gauge my pain level without being on any narcotics and then work with my Dr. to find non-narcotic pain relief.
I am exercising and praying that my pain level is +lo+w enough to deal with without any narcotics would be my goal and can be controlled with Ibuprofen, Stretching, Ice, Heat, etc. More natural means of pain control so that I can truly become sober.
I really appreciate your response, I completely understand and that is why I have been being as honest as possible here and will be with the AA sponsor I pray I will be getting at tonight's all woman's meeting so that I can start working the steps. I dont know how they will feel about the meds, I am sure they will understand I cant just stop without getting really sick and without my Dr's direction who I will not see until next week. The alcohol is a separate issue, yet its definitely an addiction at this point that I want out of my life.
Thank you!
<3 Dream

Anna

I hope you continue to fight this.

I think, that as long as you are using opiates in any way, it's probably going to trigger your addiction and it's going to make it harder to stay sober.

I'm glad you are here seeking support!

Dream2bClean

Thanks Anna i have no intention of staying on them, I just have to see my Dr. next week to get off them and come clean with him which I am going to do and go from there.

I really really really want to be SOBER not having to use any type of narcotics, even though i am doing well with not drinking and the AA program in this short time I know I will never be happy like the rest of the people in AA on narcotics. My surgery was 1 and 1/2 years ago, I still do have raging pain at times, but i may also be my body trying to trick me into giving it the drugs it wants as opposed to actual pain.
I dont know but I cant wait to be off them to see b/c I am praying that's what it is, just pain from using and then rebound pain and then I hope i can learn to life with the pain (if there is much) and to see how much there really is after I am opiate free.
Thank you for your honesty! I really appreciate and need it
<3 Dream

Kjell

I have a friend in the program who was taking pills b/c of pain. He, of course, got really addicted and has lost much b/c of his addiction.

I can only imagine what it's like to be in physical pain and in recovery at the same time.

Dream2bClean

I'm on the verge of losing a lot and honestly have already lost a lot b/c of the pills and alcohol. I used the alcohol not to feel the guilt of abusing the pills. I lost a job I worked 10 years to get to the level i was at as far as my position and income, I lost all that income, I am close to losing my home, I have really messed up my relationship with my husband and daughter (even at 3 and 1/2 I know I was not close to the mother I would have been if I were not using, obviously) I lost a relationship with a sister that needs to fully be repaired, although she knows nothing of my addictions but probably has a feeling since everyone but her in my family is an addict. I lost a good friend and probably more along the way I just stopped caring about. My TV and washing machine broke yesterday and i have no $ to fix them. I lost a full college scholarship I worked my butt of from pre college courses to get, luckily I can get that back once I am able to go back to school w/ a clear head. So much lost, a lot can be fixed, some never can, and I know before I am fully back on track a lot mroe will be lost, but at least I am awake, admitting these things, I had an excuse for myself and everyone as to why I lost my job, my scholarship, and well an excuse for everything but at least I am not fooling myself anymore.
That is the fist time I admitted to myself I lost my job b.c of drugs/alcohol, my excuse was I couldn't work the hours I did b/c i never got to see my daughter, then I quit the job and didn't see her any more or less b/c when I was here I am sure although it is true she has not gone without food, bathing, basic needs, I am sure I know I was always checked out even after quitting my job, the scholarship I have never admitted until just now was my fault, blamed it on a teacher and misunderstanding, gosh this is going to be a long hard road.
I cant wait until 6:30 for my woman's AA meeting, and am PRAYING I will get a sponsor tonight b/c I am so ready, and HAVE to start working the steps, there is no other way to clean up this mess, which is m personally all the other things can be fixed in time but never will be if I dont fix myself FIRST. I AM SOOO READY
<3 Dream

Dee74

Please do be honest with your Dr - tell them everything, Dream...there are other ways to deal with pain besides opiates

D

Dream2bClean

Thanks Dee I know and I am i am not living like this anymore.

It really sickens me that I just got home form a meeting and paced around the house b/c I really dont even know what to do sober. Luckily my 3 and 1/2 daughter taught me a few games to play in the backyard until the bugs came out big time. I am out of shape and my back hurts like hell but it makes me sad for her b/c she was always taken care of, fed, bathed, and read to no matter how messed up I got b/c i waited until after she was asleep to really go to town, but I now realize I dont know what I was doing in the evenings with her except for things that felt more like work. but they didn't when your starting to get wasted, but I wasn't 100% here for her and never would have went in the yard and played with her and got sweaty and had fun and also saw that there are areas I am lucky shes not even 4 yet b/c shes very bossy, wants her way, and when I was starting my drinking/using off in the evenings, I let her do whatever she wanted, so I now see that I have a lot of work to do with her. I have a lot of work to do to straighten out my life and now I see how it affected her even though even until just now i told myself it hadn't b/c she was fed, bathed cared for etc. but I wasn't 100% here for her and that's sad b/c Ill never get that time back. But I can make the most of what I have now SOBER

Shes not a bad kid but if I would have let that continue, she sourly would have been.

littlefish

Sometimes when I find myself pacing and thinking about a drink, I listen to an XA speaker.

XA-Speakers - The lights are on!

Last week I listened to Minnie M: a very powerful speaker who struggled with drug and alcohol issues:
XA-Speakers - The lights are on!

Dream2bClean

Thanks LF,

I am going to check that out for sure. As my patience isnt too great right now, hence the pacing, which is a first for me.

I could ALWAYS be content with a book as my standby for any restlessness, but for the first time, I can only read 10 min tops w/out the urge to do something else, or losing interest, guess its good old WD's but there WILL BE my last time dealing with them! I will not go through this hell again. NO NO NO!

I really appreciate this link b/c then I can listen and pace (who cares, its exercise or clean house, multi task on anything which is good for me right now.

I love it, great idea for me, especially right now... thanks!!!

I am such a "reality" person too, love non-fiction, biographies etc. so this is right up my alley.

Aooreciate ya!

<3 Dream

Starburst

''I lie awake thinking of YOU meditating on YOU through the night, I think how much YOU have helped me: I sing for joy in the shadow of YOUR protecting wings, I follow close behind YOU, YOUR strong right hand holds me securely.''

''I have seen YOU in YOUR sanctuary and gazed upon YOUR power and glory. YOUR unfailing love is better to me than life itself; how I praise YOU! I will honor YOU as long as I live, lifting my hands to YOU in prayer.''
Ps. 63 v 2-4, 6-8

''YOU are my strength: I wait for YOU to rescue me, for YOU, O GOD, are my place of safety. In HIS unfailing love, my GOD will come and help me.''
Ps. 59 v 8-9

''This I know: GOD is on my side. O GOD I praise YOUR word. Yes LORD, I praise YOUR word. I trust in GOD, so why should I be afraid? what can mere mortals do to me?''
Ps. 9-11

''For YOUR unfailing love is as high as the heavens. YOUR faithfulness reaches to the clouds. Be exalted, O GOD, above the highest heavens. May YOUR GLORY SHINE OVER ALL THE EARTH.''
Ps. 57 v 10-11

It is safe to trust GOD, GOD is not a frayed rope. HE can always bear our weight - we can count on it.

jsm

Dream--did you get back on Suboxone?

Dream2bClean

Hey JSM,

I see my Dr. early next week and will discuss it w/ him after coming clean w/ him about everything.
In the meantime, I started taking my medication as prescriped, actually a little less than prescribed, that stuff works wonders taken orally, go figure

However, starting this morning I have decided to try to just kick. Its going to be hard, sweaty, nast, poopy, sick, nightmarish, hell on earth. I feel strong enough to do it one last time. I am going to start to allow myself to WD and I feel it creeping in now, but I dont want to drag this out any longer and I have been going to AA have a temp sponsor and I want to be sober really sober.

Soo I am just going to get sick, I will take 1/2 of a roxy 15 whenever I feel REALLY bad, which is going to be soon I can tell, but I am going to try it this way. I wont live like this anymore, and Ive gotten sick and close to clean so many times just by running out and not being able to get any off the street so I am going to just try to kick on my own.

Wish me luck, I know its going to be nasty.

<3 Dream