...
I got nothin'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
...
Not feeling so good lately...been thinking about drinking. I'm sober...I haven't done anything...but I haven't been able to shake the feeling for a couple of days. Not good.
The job change was good...I like it there...but a job doesn't and can't make me happy. I'm tired of being on these meds...it's not helping and I'm wasting my money. If I'm going to be miserable I'd rather have more cash on me.
I'm very lonely...and I feel like an outcast. I'm living in a straight-washed section of society. Where are all the gay people where I live? WTF? And why does everyone here assume that everyone is straight? Am I doing something wrong? I don't think I come off as straight. Bless their hearts, but I've been asked at my new job (already) if I have kids, if I'm married, and after I said no to being married, have I ever been married?
It seems like everyone is in a relationship except me. Am I really that hideous? Must be...no one notices.
Just ranting.
The job change was good...I like it there...but a job doesn't and can't make me happy. I'm tired of being on these meds...it's not helping and I'm wasting my money. If I'm going to be miserable I'd rather have more cash on me.
I'm very lonely...and I feel like an outcast. I'm living in a straight-washed section of society. Where are all the gay people where I live? WTF? And why does everyone here assume that everyone is straight? Am I doing something wrong? I don't think I come off as straight. Bless their hearts, but I've been asked at my new job (already) if I have kids, if I'm married, and after I said no to being married, have I ever been married?
It seems like everyone is in a relationship except me. Am I really that hideous? Must be...no one notices.
Just ranting.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 711
Hey Bam, people are just nosy and have no couth. I get the "do you have kids, when are you going to have kids, why don't you have kids?" thing all the time.
I am sorry you are feeling isolated, but we are here for you.
I am sorry you are feeling isolated, but we are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Bam, remember: of course they will ask about marriage and kids and all the usual things! Outthink that! And consider the possibility that people wanted to approach you as a work friend. Don't give into this outnumbered crap, which only brings a person down.
Yes, the job won't make a person happy and the job won't make a person either. (I know I am going to be in very similar territory soon in my own way.)
You don't stop being a person by being gay. Why should you think that you start being one with being gay? Give the person a chance first and instead. What are your new habits, are you maintaining them. You know the drill. I don't know what else to say besides: Outthink it.
Yes, the job won't make a person happy and the job won't make a person either. (I know I am going to be in very similar territory soon in my own way.)
You don't stop being a person by being gay. Why should you think that you start being one with being gay? Give the person a chance first and instead. What are your new habits, are you maintaining them. You know the drill. I don't know what else to say besides: Outthink it.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 142
Hi Bam,
Don't stone the positivity messenger here.. but when I read your post, I saw that:
You are maintaining your sobriety
You are taking meds to try to achieve a better brain chemistry balance, that just may need some more tweaking
You are in a new job!
People are taking an interest in your life and trying to get to know you. Would you rather they assume that you were gay? If you want people not to assume, just tell them?
You are making yourself a healthier person, which in turn, may attract a healthy person with whom you could have a future relationship
(Oh and just like having a job, being in a relationship doesn't make people happy either.)
It is great to question these things in your life and to determine what you want and the steps that you can take to make them happen, but don't discount where you are! Seems like you have some great things going for you.
Keep up the good work. Wishing you happiness!
Don't stone the positivity messenger here.. but when I read your post, I saw that:
You are maintaining your sobriety
You are taking meds to try to achieve a better brain chemistry balance, that just may need some more tweaking
You are in a new job!
People are taking an interest in your life and trying to get to know you. Would you rather they assume that you were gay? If you want people not to assume, just tell them?
You are making yourself a healthier person, which in turn, may attract a healthy person with whom you could have a future relationship
(Oh and just like having a job, being in a relationship doesn't make people happy either.)
It is great to question these things in your life and to determine what you want and the steps that you can take to make them happen, but don't discount where you are! Seems like you have some great things going for you.
Keep up the good work. Wishing you happiness!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Hey Bam;
I have a great job, an estranged relationship with my daughter and my relationship ended last year for the most part....and there were 2 marriages before that that ended. I'm sober since February and drinking won't change the problems, drinking just exacerbates depression which leads to more drinking.
stay on the meds for now, if they aren't right, tell your doctor and maybe try something else...also get out of your head by doing something...if you get out, breathe and move, I double-d$$n guarantee you that you will feel better.
count your acheivements, they are there.....Personally, I have lots of friends and co workers both gay and straight and it doesn't much matter....people ask questions just to be friendly.....not a stigma.
I have a great job, an estranged relationship with my daughter and my relationship ended last year for the most part....and there were 2 marriages before that that ended. I'm sober since February and drinking won't change the problems, drinking just exacerbates depression which leads to more drinking.
stay on the meds for now, if they aren't right, tell your doctor and maybe try something else...also get out of your head by doing something...if you get out, breathe and move, I double-d$$n guarantee you that you will feel better.
count your acheivements, they are there.....Personally, I have lots of friends and co workers both gay and straight and it doesn't much matter....people ask questions just to be friendly.....not a stigma.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
I hear the change is slow sweety, and when we get healthy, healthy relationships will find us. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other in a positive direction,you will find joy, you deserve it /e-hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Living in Today!
Posts: 3,944
Originally Posted by Bamboozle 
Not feeling so good lately...been thinking about drinking. I'm sober...I haven't done anything...but I haven't been able to shake the feeling for a couple of days. Not good.
The job change was good...I like it there...but a job doesn't and can't make me happy. I'm tired of being on these meds...it's not helping and I'm wasting my money. If I'm going to be miserable I'd rather have more cash on me.
I'm very lonely...and I feel like an outcast. I'm living in a straight-washed section of society. Where are all the gay people where I live? WTF? And why does everyone here assume that everyone is straight? Am I doing something wrong? I don't think I come off as straight. Bless their hearts, but I've been asked at my new job (already) if I have kids, if I'm married, and after I said no to being married, have I ever been married?
It seems like everyone is in a relationship except me. Am I really that hideous? Must be...no one notices.
Just ranting.
The job change was good...I like it there...but a job doesn't and can't make me happy. I'm tired of being on these meds...it's not helping and I'm wasting my money. If I'm going to be miserable I'd rather have more cash on me.
I'm very lonely...and I feel like an outcast. I'm living in a straight-washed section of society. Where are all the gay people where I live? WTF? And why does everyone here assume that everyone is straight? Am I doing something wrong? I don't think I come off as straight. Bless their hearts, but I've been asked at my new job (already) if I have kids, if I'm married, and after I said no to being married, have I ever been married?
It seems like everyone is in a relationship except me. Am I really that hideous? Must be...no one notices.
Just ranting.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Buzz-free Zone
Posts: 1,372
Hey Bam,
I get the same kids/marriage question all the time too.
It always invariably turns around to, "You're so lucky that you don't have kids or a husband [that drives you up one wall and down the other]."
I've accepted that not everyone is meant to have children.
As for a partner, I've made so many bad relationship choices in my drinking days that having this time just for me is really important in re-connecting with the new person I've become.
I can sympathize about the drinking urges...19 months and bam! (no pun), some cravings have come so out of left field and slapped me upside the head for no reason (like there has to be a reason).
It is true that it's what we do with the cravings that matter, but the subtle, nagging urges p!ss me off...it's clearly a sign that I need to be doing more in my recovery program.
I get the same kids/marriage question all the time too.
It always invariably turns around to, "You're so lucky that you don't have kids or a husband [that drives you up one wall and down the other]."
I've accepted that not everyone is meant to have children.
As for a partner, I've made so many bad relationship choices in my drinking days that having this time just for me is really important in re-connecting with the new person I've become.
I can sympathize about the drinking urges...19 months and bam! (no pun), some cravings have come so out of left field and slapped me upside the head for no reason (like there has to be a reason).
It is true that it's what we do with the cravings that matter, but the subtle, nagging urges p!ss me off...it's clearly a sign that I need to be doing more in my recovery program.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Sry you feel that way Bam. Some of that is just general conversation starters. People just trying to get to know you.
Have you tried looking at local community events somewhere? They have them on craigslist and at the library here where I am. Look for a gay community. There is even a weekly GLBT NA meeting by me.
Not everyone has gaydar , so just be patient with people.
Hang in there Bam.
Have you tried looking at local community events somewhere? They have them on craigslist and at the library here where I am. Look for a gay community. There is even a weekly GLBT NA meeting by me.
Not everyone has gaydar , so just be patient with people.
Hang in there Bam.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
I'm sorry you're feeling so badly but am really glad you're not giving in to the feeling of drinking. I feel like an outcast too sometimes but that's ok since I've never wanted to "fit in" with society.
See your doctor about your meds, there's a med out there that will work for you, you've just got to find it. Big hugs for you, my friend. :ghug3
See your doctor about your meds, there's a med out there that will work for you, you've just got to find it. Big hugs for you, my friend. :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: France
Posts: 783
It looks to me as though everyone has given you good advice. Not much I can add, except that when I decide I don't like myself, too fat, too old, too lacking in talent,or whatever else, it's better that way than if I drink, because then it wont just be dislike, it will be loathing. I defintely like myself better sober.
I'm wishing you the best!
I'm wishing you the best!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,536
Bam, I wish I had the magic words to help you feel better. I agree, this whole being sober thing takes time, and I had days just like you. The drinking urges faded into nothing eventually.
You aren't ever alone - you have us, and we care.
You aren't ever alone - you have us, and we care.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
i love what Anvil said..."getting sober is not the same thing as hitting Lotto"....very true, but I think all of us are a work in progress on any given day.
(however, it would be nice to hit Lotto, ya think)?
(however, it would be nice to hit Lotto, ya think)?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
Hey Bam
I've known you for a while...you're so definitely heading in the right direction...don't doubt that
And yeah some folks can be a challenge...but all of us here know you and like you for exactly who are...the folks at work - the ones worth knowing - will too, I'm sure
D
I've known you for a while...you're so definitely heading in the right direction...don't doubt that
And yeah some folks can be a challenge...but all of us here know you and like you for exactly who are...the folks at work - the ones worth knowing - will too, I'm sure
D
I got nothin'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Here's more incoherent ramblings:
After I posted this I went to work...and was jittery and really nervous the entire morning. I felt like crap and like a failure...I've only been there about a week and I feel like I'm not doing enough. I realize that I'm putting the pressure on myself....but I can't stop it.
I was so anxious I couldn't concentrate in the morning. Somehow...and I don't know how...the anxiousness nearly vanished. I felt more confident....and I finally made one sale...even though it was to a person I already know.
I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to do this although I think I have it in me to do this.
Here it is, a little after 7. I'll be going to bed in a few short hours and before I know it I'll be at work again. I'm not dreading it...I just wish I could pick up on this stuff faster than I am.
I know they aren't expecting much for the first week...but I feel the pressure (again, completely put on me by myself) to get into this and get some sales cranking.
Why can't I just chill? Why do I have to treat this as though my life depends on it? I'm scared...and I can't stand doing a bad job. I don't want to let my coworkers down...and I can't let myself down.
I feel funny...I can't explain it...but I'm not at a happy place. Most of the time I think that I'll never be happy.
I'm tired of being alone. That's why I'm so messed up. And I don't know what to do about it.
Anyone ever meet anyone who's tone deaf? I have. *brrr*
I'm the tone deaf equivalent when it comes to romance. There really are people who have no sex appeal. I'm one of them.
There isn't 'someone for everyone'. There's only someone for some.
I'm a freak.
There's nothing wrong with my personality or attitude...it's just that no one is interested.
If all it took were brains, smiles and jokes I'd be getting laid several times a day. But, obviously none of that matters.
I can't take anything about my life, twist it around, and find reasons to be happy about existing. I've asked, 'what's the point' many times....and none of the 'answers' I get click. This is futile.
I'm not strong enough to deal with any of this. I've been trying to do everything right for the past year and it's not helping. I gave it everything I have. I go to therapy. I take meds that don't work. I post on SR. I stay sober. And for what? I'm not happy.
After I posted this I went to work...and was jittery and really nervous the entire morning. I felt like crap and like a failure...I've only been there about a week and I feel like I'm not doing enough. I realize that I'm putting the pressure on myself....but I can't stop it.
I was so anxious I couldn't concentrate in the morning. Somehow...and I don't know how...the anxiousness nearly vanished. I felt more confident....and I finally made one sale...even though it was to a person I already know.
I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to do this although I think I have it in me to do this.
Here it is, a little after 7. I'll be going to bed in a few short hours and before I know it I'll be at work again. I'm not dreading it...I just wish I could pick up on this stuff faster than I am.
I know they aren't expecting much for the first week...but I feel the pressure (again, completely put on me by myself) to get into this and get some sales cranking.
Why can't I just chill? Why do I have to treat this as though my life depends on it? I'm scared...and I can't stand doing a bad job. I don't want to let my coworkers down...and I can't let myself down.
I feel funny...I can't explain it...but I'm not at a happy place. Most of the time I think that I'll never be happy.
I'm tired of being alone. That's why I'm so messed up. And I don't know what to do about it.
Anyone ever meet anyone who's tone deaf? I have. *brrr*
I'm the tone deaf equivalent when it comes to romance. There really are people who have no sex appeal. I'm one of them.
There isn't 'someone for everyone'. There's only someone for some.
I'm a freak.
There's nothing wrong with my personality or attitude...it's just that no one is interested.
If all it took were brains, smiles and jokes I'd be getting laid several times a day. But, obviously none of that matters.
I can't take anything about my life, twist it around, and find reasons to be happy about existing. I've asked, 'what's the point' many times....and none of the 'answers' I get click. This is futile.
I'm not strong enough to deal with any of this. I've been trying to do everything right for the past year and it's not helping. I gave it everything I have. I go to therapy. I take meds that don't work. I post on SR. I stay sober. And for what? I'm not happy.
Wandering Student of Life
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: MSP MN
Posts: 126
Bam,
Would you say you spend a lot of time dwelling on your feelings of loneliness? And, is it the loneliness of not having a romantic/intimate/close person or partner-type in your life right now, or all around loneliness because you feel a lack of connection with most other people, or some combination of both?
I'm asking because I want to tell you how much have to gain by finding company in yourself. I get the feeling you're really down on yourself... take a breath and stop comparing yourself to anyone/anything for a moment and just let your ego appreciate being - existing. That you are alive, unique, thinking, caring, loving, suffering... letting yourself totally acknowledge and feel your self as you are right now in this moment is one of the finest and most pure things you can experience, and I believe it is wholly important to gaining self-confidence. And believe me, self-confidence is one amazing thing - you'd be surprised how much easier and, frankly, nicer it is to connect with other people when you're comfortable and confident with yourself. Just a little goes a long way when you've been isolating for so long.
I'd really like to reach out to you and breathe some life into your dampened spirits. No matter how negatively you've pictured yourself and your situation, you must remember that connecting with others on even the most basic of levels is always attainable with effort and patience.
I'll be thinking about you and hoping for the best!
WW
Would you say you spend a lot of time dwelling on your feelings of loneliness? And, is it the loneliness of not having a romantic/intimate/close person or partner-type in your life right now, or all around loneliness because you feel a lack of connection with most other people, or some combination of both?
I'm asking because I want to tell you how much have to gain by finding company in yourself. I get the feeling you're really down on yourself... take a breath and stop comparing yourself to anyone/anything for a moment and just let your ego appreciate being - existing. That you are alive, unique, thinking, caring, loving, suffering... letting yourself totally acknowledge and feel your self as you are right now in this moment is one of the finest and most pure things you can experience, and I believe it is wholly important to gaining self-confidence. And believe me, self-confidence is one amazing thing - you'd be surprised how much easier and, frankly, nicer it is to connect with other people when you're comfortable and confident with yourself. Just a little goes a long way when you've been isolating for so long.
I'd really like to reach out to you and breathe some life into your dampened spirits. No matter how negatively you've pictured yourself and your situation, you must remember that connecting with others on even the most basic of levels is always attainable with effort and patience.
I'll be thinking about you and hoping for the best!
WW
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
This is exactly why after starting out on the secular thread, I had to crack open the blinds just a bit and welcome in a ray of the Sunlight of the Spirit to my life.
If all of my problems were mine alone, with nothing or no one to turn to, I would have a lot of problems, many too big for me to handle.
If I thought I was just plopped down in this life with no other purpose than to suck air, I would wonder if it were worth it.
If I had this much dislike for myself, and did not believe that maybe, just maybe there was a power in this universe that loved everyone, even me, I would still not be able to look in a mirror.
One day I decided I had a choice.
I could choose to believe just a little in the spiritual realm,and seek guidance. If nothing was out there,worse case scenario I am a fool who feels no better, best case scenario I am a brain washed fool who is happier for being fooled.
Or, I could go on ignore the possibility of a Higher Power. Best case scenario I would be correct, and when I died I would be food for the worms. Worse case scenario, I could be denying myself universal love, acceptance, help and comfort.
I am not worried today about the possibility of being duped. I have found somewhere to lay all of my problems, replaced my fears with faith, and someday I hope to fully come to believe that I AM a gift, a miracle, a loved being worthy of loving myself.
Hang in there Bam, I love you girl
If all of my problems were mine alone, with nothing or no one to turn to, I would have a lot of problems, many too big for me to handle.
If I thought I was just plopped down in this life with no other purpose than to suck air, I would wonder if it were worth it.
If I had this much dislike for myself, and did not believe that maybe, just maybe there was a power in this universe that loved everyone, even me, I would still not be able to look in a mirror.
One day I decided I had a choice.
I could choose to believe just a little in the spiritual realm,and seek guidance. If nothing was out there,worse case scenario I am a fool who feels no better, best case scenario I am a brain washed fool who is happier for being fooled.
Or, I could go on ignore the possibility of a Higher Power. Best case scenario I would be correct, and when I died I would be food for the worms. Worse case scenario, I could be denying myself universal love, acceptance, help and comfort.
I am not worried today about the possibility of being duped. I have found somewhere to lay all of my problems, replaced my fears with faith, and someday I hope to fully come to believe that I AM a gift, a miracle, a loved being worthy of loving myself.
Hang in there Bam, I love you girl
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Land down under
Posts: 433
I wish I had the magic answer for you, as you seem to be hurting :ghug3
Being alone when we don't want to be does suck but in my opinion your sobriety is the most important thing right now. As each day passes, you will gain more strength and perhaps start seeing that you do have a lot to offer someone. Work on the positives
I know this sounds a bit cliche but there is some truth in the saying that no one can love us until we love ourselves. People come into our lives when we least expect it. Hang in there! Keep posting....we are here for you.
Being alone when we don't want to be does suck but in my opinion your sobriety is the most important thing right now. As each day passes, you will gain more strength and perhaps start seeing that you do have a lot to offer someone. Work on the positives
I know this sounds a bit cliche but there is some truth in the saying that no one can love us until we love ourselves. People come into our lives when we least expect it. Hang in there! Keep posting....we are here for you.
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