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SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi Bam - I'm sorry things are so down for you right now. It's obvious that everyone here cares about you and I hope you take that to heart. The older I get the more I realize that as a species, we humans are all flawed and have deep hurt inside. We try to put on a good show. Don't want to be vulernable, you know!
Perhaps as you get to know people at your job there will be someone you can relate to and become friends with? Changing jobs is a big stress (and a sales job is more stress on top of that), so be patient with yourself and try not to put your entire life and being into the same black hole. Do what we all have to do when we first get sober: take it a minute/hour at a time.
I don't know you like some people here do, so please ignore anything that doesn't help! I just feel for you cuz I've been there, too.
p.s. Just a question: If your meds aren't working, why hasn't your doctor tried something else?
Perhaps as you get to know people at your job there will be someone you can relate to and become friends with? Changing jobs is a big stress (and a sales job is more stress on top of that), so be patient with yourself and try not to put your entire life and being into the same black hole. Do what we all have to do when we first get sober: take it a minute/hour at a time.
I don't know you like some people here do, so please ignore anything that doesn't help! I just feel for you cuz I've been there, too.
p.s. Just a question: If your meds aren't working, why hasn't your doctor tried something else?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,428
I dunno bam - I'm not a relationships expert but I really thought I was one of those odd ones out too.
Turns out I wasn't a freak, or sexless, or ugly...but I was caught up in my head a lot - I found when you think you're nothing special, or not attractive, or whatever, people do sense that...and a lot of them buy into it, no questions asked.
I was lucky enough to find someone who didn't buy into it.
I believe you will too.
D
Turns out I wasn't a freak, or sexless, or ugly...but I was caught up in my head a lot - I found when you think you're nothing special, or not attractive, or whatever, people do sense that...and a lot of them buy into it, no questions asked.
I was lucky enough to find someone who didn't buy into it.
I believe you will too.
D
I got nothin'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Originally Posted by Dee74 
I found when you think you're nothing special, or not attractive, or whatever, people do sense that...and a lot of them buy into it, no questions asked.
So it's all my fault?
I'm really not trying to be a butt here, D, but people don't see the side of me that I show here.
Some people just aren't noticed or liked no matter what they do, just like there are people who can't sing no matter what they do, or can't draw, or dance...
It's the way it is and I can't come to terms with that.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,428
I guess I should have put in a 'this may not apply to you' line but I thought it was implied, Bam.
That was my experience - it's all I can offer... sometimes people go 'oh yeah' ...and sometimes not.
Was it my fault?
Hmmnnn...I guess you could see it that way.
I just think I'd always been taught to see myself that way...it never occurred to me that it might be wrong.
As for you, why don't you show the side of yourself that you show here? I know you've just started work there, but do you plan to let any of the inner Bam out?
If you don't, what have other ppl got to work with?
D
ps this is why I never usually answer these kinds of posts LOL
I got nothin'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
What I meant about people not seeing 'this' side of me is the emotional ups and downs, the negativity....the bad. If I let people see the real me then no one would talk to me.
I wear a mask every single day.
I wear a mask every single day.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Originally Posted by Gypsy Feet
This is exactly why after starting out on the secular thread, I had to crack open the blinds just a bit and welcome in a ray of the Sunlight of the Spirit to my life.
If all of my problems were mine alone, with nothing or no one to turn to, I would have a lot of problems, many too big for me to handle.
If I thought I was just plopped down in this life with no other purpose than to suck air, I would wonder if it were worth it.
If I had this much dislike for myself, and did not believe that maybe, just maybe there was a power in this universe that loved everyone, even me, I would still not be able to look in a mirror.
One day I decided I had a choice.
I could choose to believe just a little in the spiritual realm,and seek guidance. If nothing was out there,worse case scenario I am a fool who feels no better, best case scenario I am a brain washed fool who is happier for being fooled.
Or, I could go on ignore the possibility of a Higher Power. Best case scenario I would be correct, and when I died I would be food for the worms. Worse case scenario, I could be denying myself universal love, acceptance, help and comfort.
I am not worried today about the possibility of being duped. I have found somewhere to lay all of my problems, replaced my fears with faith, and someday I hope to fully come to believe that I AM a gift, a miracle, a loved being worthy of loving myself.
Hang in there Bam, I love you girl
If all of my problems were mine alone, with nothing or no one to turn to, I would have a lot of problems, many too big for me to handle.
If I thought I was just plopped down in this life with no other purpose than to suck air, I would wonder if it were worth it.
If I had this much dislike for myself, and did not believe that maybe, just maybe there was a power in this universe that loved everyone, even me, I would still not be able to look in a mirror.
One day I decided I had a choice.
I could choose to believe just a little in the spiritual realm,and seek guidance. If nothing was out there,worse case scenario I am a fool who feels no better, best case scenario I am a brain washed fool who is happier for being fooled.
Or, I could go on ignore the possibility of a Higher Power. Best case scenario I would be correct, and when I died I would be food for the worms. Worse case scenario, I could be denying myself universal love, acceptance, help and comfort.
I am not worried today about the possibility of being duped. I have found somewhere to lay all of my problems, replaced my fears with faith, and someday I hope to fully come to believe that I AM a gift, a miracle, a loved being worthy of loving myself.
Hang in there Bam, I love you girl
This can keep going on and on IMO, but you can choose to do something different...you know we talk about the ways to get sober a lot on SR and there are different ways...but the different ways to living in sobriety and being happy all have one thing in common, everytime, and that is a drastic personality change...
I wasn't one of the ones that seemingly changed overnight, i had to do a lot of work on myself, i didint want to...i had to...otherwise i would be sad, lonely,depressed, anxious, nervous, scared etc...recovery all started with getting to know my self in sobriety...
You know i know a couple of friends with chronic depression who have actually been in mental hospitals and have attempted suicide, if they can recover and they have then so can you...one of their paths and their beliefs before starting to recover were not disimilar to yours...
Find a way or not...but IMO everything won't be alright until you do because it was never alright for me either!
You can change your mind about anything at anytime...and if your way isn't making you happy, get some help and direction in whatever capacity you can...any move at the moment is going to be a move forward:-)
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,428
Originally Posted by Bamboozle
What I meant about people not seeing 'this' side of me is the emotional ups and downs, the negativity....the bad. If I let people see the real me then no one would talk to me.
I wear a mask every single day.
I wear a mask every single day.
my bad Bam.
Ann Landers is in no danger from me, then
You're a smart funny caring warm woman with a lot of social conscience and a lot of mettle.
I refuse to believe I'm the only person on the planet who can see or appreciate that.
Just...be. Who you are really is good enough
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Boston, MA (Mattapan) Legit ghetto but I love it
Posts: 174
Originally Posted by Bamboozle
I hope you're right.
I will post more later because there is a lot I want to say but if I try to do it now it will come out all jibberish like and not make any sense.
I got nothin'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Most of what I have to say doesn't make much sense...I ramble a lot when I get like this.
I hope tomorrow goes well. I'm still sober, in case anyone is wondering. That's why I'm posting...too many times people relapse....and don't reach out.
Life is scary. I don't know what to do, so I'm not doing anything, know what I mean? I know where I've been. I know if I pick up I won't put it down.
My emotions are all over the place. I'm tired of these swings (get ready for some more complaining, here) and I'm tired of going to the doctor...and tweaking meds...and maybe it works for a couple of weeks or days, and then....it has no appreciable effect....and that money thing. I swear, any of you who have insurance use it as much as you possibly can so you can get proper care. If this job works out maybe I can get some insurance...but not if it will be over half my pay. Any Canadians willing to adopt me?
I don't know what to do....and I can't think any of this away. I can't function when my brain doesn't wish to cooperate. I can't explain it.
I hope tomorrow goes well. I'm still sober, in case anyone is wondering. That's why I'm posting...too many times people relapse....and don't reach out.
Life is scary. I don't know what to do, so I'm not doing anything, know what I mean? I know where I've been. I know if I pick up I won't put it down.
My emotions are all over the place. I'm tired of these swings (get ready for some more complaining, here) and I'm tired of going to the doctor...and tweaking meds...and maybe it works for a couple of weeks or days, and then....it has no appreciable effect....and that money thing. I swear, any of you who have insurance use it as much as you possibly can so you can get proper care. If this job works out maybe I can get some insurance...but not if it will be over half my pay. Any Canadians willing to adopt me?
I don't know what to do....and I can't think any of this away. I can't function when my brain doesn't wish to cooperate. I can't explain it.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,428
I'm sorry it takes a lot of tweaks to get it right sometimes, med wise.
But you've already been down the self-medication road and you know thats just BS.
Just keep on reaching out (and not picking up) Bam - some days it's that basic.
And you know you're not alone - folks here don't mind giving you a hand...in fact they want to
D
But you've already been down the self-medication road and you know thats just BS.
Just keep on reaching out (and not picking up) Bam - some days it's that basic.
And you know you're not alone - folks here don't mind giving you a hand...in fact they want to
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
Hey Bam, I don't know what to say to you. You really seem stuck where you are.
I've been there though, where my head will start going and I have to tell it to "shut up!" And also, I've had days where I just literally want to say "f-it" and just quit it all, however I know I'm worth more than that, and I think you know that about yourself too.
I just started a new job, and I hear ya on the learning thing. I would love to do that thing that Neo does in the Matrix where he sits in a chair, they hook a bunch of wires up to his head, and then just load him up with all the information. Hee hee...... if it were that easy.
I do feel sorry that I can't ask you to go out and have a cup of coffee so I can lend you my ear, let you rant away, and then try to convince you that you're not crazy, you're not different, you're just having a rough time.
Hang in there Bam. It does get better. I don't know what your situation is with the meds, but I do understand how frustrating that can be too having them switched all around. They are drugs after all so they absolutely affect you, and I'm sure that has you all over the place as well.
I hope you get through this soon, and in the meantime, I'll be here rooting for you!!!
I've been there though, where my head will start going and I have to tell it to "shut up!" And also, I've had days where I just literally want to say "f-it" and just quit it all, however I know I'm worth more than that, and I think you know that about yourself too.
I just started a new job, and I hear ya on the learning thing. I would love to do that thing that Neo does in the Matrix where he sits in a chair, they hook a bunch of wires up to his head, and then just load him up with all the information. Hee hee...... if it were that easy.
I do feel sorry that I can't ask you to go out and have a cup of coffee so I can lend you my ear, let you rant away, and then try to convince you that you're not crazy, you're not different, you're just having a rough time.
Hang in there Bam. It does get better. I don't know what your situation is with the meds, but I do understand how frustrating that can be too having them switched all around. They are drugs after all so they absolutely affect you, and I'm sure that has you all over the place as well.
I hope you get through this soon, and in the meantime, I'll be here rooting for you!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 711
It really took a lot of tweaking by my psychiatrist on the meds end. She still sees me every month to check and make sure things are okay.
You WILL find the balance you need. You ARE a valued person.
You WILL find the balance you need. You ARE a valued person.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
bam,
it aint our business what anyone thinks of us,
as long as were doing the right things, staying clean and sober, and growing in our recovery.
if they get too nosey, just give them the Pox! lol
carry on bam
it aint our business what anyone thinks of us,
as long as were doing the right things, staying clean and sober, and growing in our recovery.
if they get too nosey, just give them the Pox! lol
carry on bam
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: France
Posts: 783
I don't believe that "some people just aren't noticed or liked no matter what they do" and though some people many never become professional singers, artists, or dancers, they can improve all that too. ( I can't carry a tune, but I'm not tone deaf, because I can play an instrument, I sure can't draw, even my stick people look bad, but I went to a sketching class for a couple of days, and what I learned there I can still do, and it's not as bad as my stick people. I always wanted to dance when I was young, but I was too self conscious, and I looked like all those people who look like dorks when they dance, 5 years back I took up country line dancing to accompany my husband,and HEY they asked me to teach the children's beginner class recently! ok it's mostly because I have experience teaching children, but I must have improved enough to have been asked, right?) I DO believe you're feeling down, and I've seen all the answers of people who have noticed you and liked you. I notice and like you, if you recall I was absent from SR for quite a while and I just recently came back, and who did I write to? I wrote to you, check out my posts you'll see. Why did I single you out? Because I like you, I find your ideas enriching, and I find you very interesting.
The people you work with apparently don't have the gift of conversation, when you first meet people it is difficult, to play it safe you can only talk about weather, but if you interact even when the conversation is dull, maybe you'll find a spark somewhere. Just keep trying. I believe it will happen.
The people you work with apparently don't have the gift of conversation, when you first meet people it is difficult, to play it safe you can only talk about weather, but if you interact even when the conversation is dull, maybe you'll find a spark somewhere. Just keep trying. I believe it will happen.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I'm going say that old cliche....."when you least expect it".....maybe just stop *worrying* so much....try doing anything that satisfies YOU, find something to be interested in and pursue it.
things happen for us at the oddest intervals....they come and they go...personally I have given up obsessing about relationships having one, not having one...I am having an honest relationship with MYSELF for a change...yes, it's lonely sometimes, but I am as social as I want to be...you have to extend yourself to make friends...and my mother was RIGHT....you will never meet anybody sitting in your own livingroom!
go! move! walk amongst other people in the park, in the mall, in the grocery store, at Home Depot...volunteer yourself to a women's shelter, the Vietnam vets, AA...it doesn't have to be a life-long commitment. you have a lot to offer, but no one will know it you don't tell them.
have a great weekend.
things happen for us at the oddest intervals....they come and they go...personally I have given up obsessing about relationships having one, not having one...I am having an honest relationship with MYSELF for a change...yes, it's lonely sometimes, but I am as social as I want to be...you have to extend yourself to make friends...and my mother was RIGHT....you will never meet anybody sitting in your own livingroom!
go! move! walk amongst other people in the park, in the mall, in the grocery store, at Home Depot...volunteer yourself to a women's shelter, the Vietnam vets, AA...it doesn't have to be a life-long commitment. you have a lot to offer, but no one will know it you don't tell them.
have a great weekend.
I got nothin'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
I don't fit in...never have. My therapist is pushing me hard to move out of this area. I don't have the financial means to do so at the moment...so I'm stuck.
I hate it here. Every day I go through the motions of living. I know you folks mean well, but some people just are this way. It's an unrecognized disability that very few people understand. Being unbangable. Not being noticed no matter what.
All I have to show here are words...that's all anyone expects here. You don't expect to see a physical representation of me...so words are enough for you. Too bad that's not how it is in the real world.
Some are smart. Some are dumb. Some are pretty...and some are ugly. That's the way it is.
It's too easy for people who have been in relationships to tell me that things will be okay...I'll find someone...blah blah blah, blah blah blah. Your life experience is your own...mine is quite different. I can't get you to understand something that isn't a problem for you. I'm used to hearing the same things over and over. "It'll happen when it will happen...when you least expect it."
...well, I'm still waiting. Everyone's been wrong. I can’t wait anymore.
It’s a very basic primate need to be touched…to be loved. It’s as important as air…as water…as food. And it’s not something that can be taken….it has to be freely given…and no one cares to give it to me. I’d love to give it away…but being kind and caring is not enough. I’d give anything to be desirable.
My basic needs are not being met. That's why I'm persistently unhappy. That's why nothing is working. That's why...no matter how hard I try...how hard I will myself to be content...I'm not.
I'm not a happy person. I try. I have a lot of heart...I have courage...I have determination, but dang...try fighting 50 foot waves...one after another...and see how long it takes before you flounder.
I'm such a Debbie Downer. I'm amazed that I managed to type all of this out without crying.
I mean no offense to people who read this. I know you all are trying to help. I wish you could help...I really do. Everything I'm trying is failure. I have no plans to drink...I just wonder how long my sanity will last.
My consolation prize is knowing I'm doing everything I can. I'm doing what I'm supposed to. No one can say I never put up a good fight.
I'll just hang on for now...I don't want anyone to worry...I just need to get this stuff out.
I hate it here. Every day I go through the motions of living. I know you folks mean well, but some people just are this way. It's an unrecognized disability that very few people understand. Being unbangable. Not being noticed no matter what.
All I have to show here are words...that's all anyone expects here. You don't expect to see a physical representation of me...so words are enough for you. Too bad that's not how it is in the real world.
Some are smart. Some are dumb. Some are pretty...and some are ugly. That's the way it is.
It's too easy for people who have been in relationships to tell me that things will be okay...I'll find someone...blah blah blah, blah blah blah. Your life experience is your own...mine is quite different. I can't get you to understand something that isn't a problem for you. I'm used to hearing the same things over and over. "It'll happen when it will happen...when you least expect it."
...well, I'm still waiting. Everyone's been wrong. I can’t wait anymore.
It’s a very basic primate need to be touched…to be loved. It’s as important as air…as water…as food. And it’s not something that can be taken….it has to be freely given…and no one cares to give it to me. I’d love to give it away…but being kind and caring is not enough. I’d give anything to be desirable.
My basic needs are not being met. That's why I'm persistently unhappy. That's why nothing is working. That's why...no matter how hard I try...how hard I will myself to be content...I'm not.
I'm not a happy person. I try. I have a lot of heart...I have courage...I have determination, but dang...try fighting 50 foot waves...one after another...and see how long it takes before you flounder.
I'm such a Debbie Downer. I'm amazed that I managed to type all of this out without crying.
I mean no offense to people who read this. I know you all are trying to help. I wish you could help...I really do. Everything I'm trying is failure. I have no plans to drink...I just wonder how long my sanity will last.
My consolation prize is knowing I'm doing everything I can. I'm doing what I'm supposed to. No one can say I never put up a good fight.
I'll just hang on for now...I don't want anyone to worry...I just need to get this stuff out.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Boston, MA (Mattapan) Legit ghetto but I love it
Posts: 174
Originally Posted by Bamboozle
I don't fit in...never have. My therapist is pushing me hard to move out of this area. I don't have the financial means to do so at the moment...so I'm stuck.
I hate it here. Every day I go through the motions of living. I know you folks mean well, but some people just are this way. It's an unrecognized disability that very few people understand. Being unbangable. Not being noticed no matter what.
All I have to show here are words...that's all anyone expects here. You don't expect to see a physical representation of me...so words are enough for you. Too bad that's not how it is in the real world.
Some are smart. Some are dumb. Some are pretty...and some are ugly. That's the way it is.
It's too easy for people who have been in relationships to tell me that things will be okay...I'll find someone...blah blah blah, blah blah blah. Your life experience is your own...mine is quite different. I can't get you to understand something that isn't a problem for you. I'm used to hearing the same things over and over. "It'll happen when it will happen...when you least expect it."
...well, I'm still waiting. Everyone's been wrong. I can’t wait anymore.
It’s a very basic primate need to be touched…to be loved. It’s as important as air…as water…as food. And it’s not something that can be taken….it has to be freely given…and no one cares to give it to me. I’d love to give it away…but being kind and caring is not enough. I’d give anything to be desirable.
My basic needs are not being met. That's why I'm persistently unhappy. That's why nothing is working. That's why...no matter how hard I try...how hard I will myself to be content...I'm not.
I'm not a happy person. I try. I have a lot of heart...I have courage...I have determination, but dang...try fighting 50 foot waves...one after another...and see how long it takes before you flounder.
I'm such a Debbie Downer. I'm amazed that I managed to type all of this out without crying.
I mean no offense to people who read this. I know you all are trying to help. I wish you could help...I really do. Everything I'm trying is failure. I have no plans to drink...I just wonder how long my sanity will last.
My consolation prize is knowing I'm doing everything I can. I'm doing what I'm supposed to. No one can say I never put up a good fight.
I'll just hang on for now...I don't want anyone to worry...I just need to get this stuff out.
I hate it here. Every day I go through the motions of living. I know you folks mean well, but some people just are this way. It's an unrecognized disability that very few people understand. Being unbangable. Not being noticed no matter what.
All I have to show here are words...that's all anyone expects here. You don't expect to see a physical representation of me...so words are enough for you. Too bad that's not how it is in the real world.
Some are smart. Some are dumb. Some are pretty...and some are ugly. That's the way it is.
It's too easy for people who have been in relationships to tell me that things will be okay...I'll find someone...blah blah blah, blah blah blah. Your life experience is your own...mine is quite different. I can't get you to understand something that isn't a problem for you. I'm used to hearing the same things over and over. "It'll happen when it will happen...when you least expect it."
...well, I'm still waiting. Everyone's been wrong. I can’t wait anymore.
It’s a very basic primate need to be touched…to be loved. It’s as important as air…as water…as food. And it’s not something that can be taken….it has to be freely given…and no one cares to give it to me. I’d love to give it away…but being kind and caring is not enough. I’d give anything to be desirable.
My basic needs are not being met. That's why I'm persistently unhappy. That's why nothing is working. That's why...no matter how hard I try...how hard I will myself to be content...I'm not.
I'm not a happy person. I try. I have a lot of heart...I have courage...I have determination, but dang...try fighting 50 foot waves...one after another...and see how long it takes before you flounder.
I'm such a Debbie Downer. I'm amazed that I managed to type all of this out without crying.
I mean no offense to people who read this. I know you all are trying to help. I wish you could help...I really do. Everything I'm trying is failure. I have no plans to drink...I just wonder how long my sanity will last.
My consolation prize is knowing I'm doing everything I can. I'm doing what I'm supposed to. No one can say I never put up a good fight.
I'll just hang on for now...I don't want anyone to worry...I just need to get this stuff out.
But I understand that. Understand feeling like you're going to be alone forever. It's a bitter pill to swallow because it's true that some people...are alone. Some people don't find a significant other. Some people are maybe in 1 or 2 relationships or several even and have their hearts broken but they never find the person they are looking for...
I'm young, I know but... I don't think I'm ever going to find anyone else that I could love like I loved Ryan, that I could be with in the way I was with him, I don't know that my heart is ever going to be whole enough again for me to ever give to anyone. I'm not sure there is ever going to be a day where I don't love him
And I know where you're coming from. People tell me "Oh everyone feels that way about their first love...you'll find someone new...you're so pretty and kind and blah blah blah" but I know from the bottom of my heart and in my soul that I don't want and never will want anyone but him. I think I've known even when I was dating him that I was never destined to be with anyone.
It's so sad, so lonely not to feel connected to anyone... and I wish I had advice but I'm dealing with the same thing. All I can say is you have to try and find love in other ways. Through friendships and family and whatever else you can... hell I don't know how old you are but did you ever think about adopting ? I think that's what I'll do, adopt or get pregnant. No one ever said you had to be married to raise a child right?
I assume it has to be even harder for you because you're gay. With people just assuming you're not or women feeling unsure or weird about asking you if you are... we still live in a society where being gay is a sensitive subject. My generation is the first to really accept it and there still a lot of people who don't.
I don't know what that point of being here is but it's got to be better then not being here. Who the hell knows what's going to happen when we're dead but life can be a gift if you let it be.
I've never been so great at fitting in either. I can be in a group of people and feel more alone than I do when I'm alone because I just don't feel connected. It's really hard and I don't know how to change that.
Have you always been this unhappy? I bet not. I go through these periods where it takes everything I've got and I mean *EVERYTHING* just to survive minute by minute. But I do because then there are these other moments (sometimes few and far between) where I thank God that I'm alive because I even if it's just for one second, I feel happy. It can be something as simple as my sister smiling or laughing or something more like just having a good time with a friend.
Those are the moments you have to hold on to, and you have to keep telling yourself that things will get better. I honestly have no idea how old you are but I'd guess you still have plenty of life to live. It's so easy when you're depressed to feel the way you do like nothing will ever be good enough but maybe someday you'll look back at this and realize going through it made you better and you'll come out happier on the other side.
And relationships really aren't so dandy. Maybe some are but for me it caused a hell of a lot more pain than pleasure and that whole "It's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all" thing is complete BULL. I'd trade the time I spent happy with Ryan to get rid of this pain Hell maybe being alone is better if it means you avoid heartbreak.
I really hope things get better for you soon, I really really do.
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