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Pretty Upset.....Its long but I need some help

Old 05-27-2010, 01:19 AM
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Unhappy Pretty Upset.....Its long but I need some help

I am doing my best with sobriety and making positive changes all around. One of the areas of change has been friends or my social network per se. When I moved to Germany, it was such a transition and one that left me depressed. The adjustment to being a military spouse and leaving everything I know behind was rough. I turned to my drinking as needed durning this time.

One of the folks who befriended me was a spouse of one of hubby's coworkers. Another military spouse who shared much of what I was going through. She got me and even though she wasn't probably someone I would be friends with back in the states....well she helped me here and I helped her. Long nights, being alone, frustration with military policies....blah blah. We did connect.

As time went on she explained how she suffered life long from depression, etc. She had a rough past and well.....I certainly wasn't going to judge since I had a drinking problem. No judgement, no gossiping blah blah.

Things changed. She became a bit dominant and motherly like. She was dealing with her own issues of constantly thinking her hubby was cheating on her. Ok so she had marital problems. I thought she was paranoid personally but ok.

Well she did a few things that pissed me off. I called her one night crying to vent as a friend because hubby was upset and took off when he found out his mom was in the ER back in the states. I vented to her as a friend would do.....needing help. She on her own made a call to his boss who came to our house. That wasn't the help I needed. I kinda sucked it up though in my head that maybe she made the right decision and I was inexperienced.

Another time while her hubby was gone....I sent mine over to help her with a car problem. She needed more help and my hubby offered to talk to his boss to get time off to help her. Instead of waiting....she called HIS boss directly demanding that he take time off to help. I mean f*cking really? I flipped at her but still forgave her. Again giving in.

Many other things happened and I forgave because she tolerated my drunken melt downs, etc. I felt lowly and depressed as you all know how we can feel under the influence of booze.

We had a final meltdown back in April which is when I got sober. We agreed we both had issues, I apologized at snapping (yet again f*cking aplogizing) and we parted ways.

She has since been calling on and off and I haven't returned nor taken any of her calls. So she messaged me a few weeks back.....rehashing our last argument and that she forgave me and things in her life were bad....she felt karma. I responded nicely and said....I am sure you will be fine and no its not karma but sometimes $hit happens.

I ran into her the other night while I was out with hubby and she was with some mutual aquaintences. Well that happened to be the day after I found out about hubby's breakdown at work. We were just going to play some slots and vege. Just relax. She was rude and didn't even say hi when the others called me over. I was polite, brief and went on my way.

She then has been sending me emails about my behavior, how I am talking about her and whole bunch of twisted crap she is making up in her head. I asked the another person who was there that night if they felt I was upset with them. They said no. I said ok, I got a message from XYZ that you did. She said I never said that and XYZ is on new depression meds so might be messing her upstairs. I told XYZ this and told her she needed help. She also is acting like her husband is affected by this. WTF?

I am seething angry. Prior to sobriety I would be massively binging right now I am sure. How do I handle this situation. I haven't talked about her with anyone.

I am 41 days sober and have cut off most contact to avoid drama and to focus on me. I got a job, dealing with my medical problems and focusing on hubby's depression and possible suicidal thoughts. WTF more can I do here.

My hubby wants to talk to her husband to tell her to stop and to show him the message thread from her. It is all in writing since I won't talk on the phone. She can't lie about this you know. She obviously won't stop and I feel like she is stalking me.

To add on.....do you know she came to my house unannounced back around Xmas? She was upset I didn't go to her house for dinner and while we talked about it on the phone.....she drove to my house because in her words to me "I had to confront you face to face." I don't dig on that crap. My home is my sanctuary and I don't want it invaded.

Any suggestions here. I think she is a total nut who is obsessed with hubby and I.

Thanks guys. Trust y'all more then people here. I got sober and remain sober with all your support.

Kim
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Old 05-27-2010, 01:25 AM
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To add.....I am staying sober and no way does this affect that. I am stronger then ever about my sobriety but I have taken and taken on so much that this is like the straw that broke the camel's back. I want to tell this bitch off. I feel my drunken haze is gone and see people more clearly then ever for what they are. I have kept to myself and don't bother ANYONE.

BTW....I blocked her on facebook so that should stop the messages but I wonder if she will come by at some point. Jeesh.
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Old 05-27-2010, 01:59 AM
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Hi Kim
Sounds to me like this relationship is nothing you want a part of.

Trust your gut instinct and continue not letting her into your life.
That is your right.

Whatever she's playing at, don't buy into it.

I don't know anything about the military but I'm assuming you have authorities to call if she should show up at your house again - I would do that - like you my house is my sanctuary.

D
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Old 05-27-2010, 02:05 AM
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Huggs Dee. Thx. Hearing that helps. You know before I was drunk quite a bit and even when I wasn't I felt still under the veil. I blamed myself for every and anything and always thought crap was my fault.

Thats why I hated myself drunk. I became such a weak person and never stood up for myself. So unlike the person who was inside the disease you know.
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Old 05-27-2010, 02:56 AM
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Hey Kmber2010, I'm glad to hear that you are staying sober throughout this chaos. I have buddies who are still active and they are officers. So they tell me the crazy stories from their guy's gf/wife. My suggestion would be to keep documented reports of what is happening. Your husband should probably not confront her husband either because it seems like he has a lot on his plate too. If you havent already started, you should start ignoring her phone calls and just cut all contact with her. It might be tempting to talk to mutual friends about what she is saying but I would recommend you to refrain from asking. You cant control what she does but you can control what you do.
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Old 05-27-2010, 06:14 AM
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Hey Kim -- I read your story and it reminded me of something I went through recently.

Not to make it too long of a story, but after my separation/divorce I became friends with another divorced woman. In the beginning, she was helping me out, helping me to deal with my emotions following the divorce, helping me get settled in my new house, etc. It was all good. Until it went bad....

I soon realized she had some sort of aggressive narcicisstic personality disorder. She was manic and started calling me about 20 times per day. She wouldn't leave me alone. Then she started fights with me. She didn't agree with some of my parenting decisions (I never asked her opinion) and started challenging me all the time. We got in a huge fight once and that was it. But then we had to make up and be friends the next September since our kids were in the same pre-school class. I gave her another shot a friendship, and then the same thing happened all over again. I made a comment on facebook that she didn't agree with, so she flipped out and told me I was a "f*cked up girl" and that I needed help.

I have determined from this that there are people out there who are toxic to us, people who are unbalanced who like to blame others for all their problems, even go so far as to be aggressive and mean and try to make you feel bad about yourself. It sounds like this former friend of yours is the same type of person.

I have cut off ties with this former friend and fortunately for me, she has stayed away. I can only recommend that you try to do the same, document everything she does and keep your cool (which it sounds like you are doing).

It's hard to believe this kind of stuff happens to use when we are adults, but it does. I hope it helps to know that you're not the only one who this has happened to. Hang in there!

Laura
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Old 05-27-2010, 06:18 AM
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pray for her
accept that you are powerless over her behavior
let it go!
stop associating with her if it continues to affect your serenity. don't open emails, answer the phone, whatever... cut it off.
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Old 05-27-2010, 09:49 AM
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Hi Kim,
I was a British Forces army wife for 16 years and we moved every 2 - 3 years. We didn't move with the corp, so new neighbours, new friends, etc. Oh dear, you get to meet them don't you?
Anyway if there was a problem, the military would have stepped in, but...... it depended on the rank of the other husband. Lower or the same, not a problem. Higher and it became a lot more complicated. I don't know much about the American Forces, but I'm sure you have something in place. Find out, even it it's just to get the information.
In the meantime, deep breath, you are better than her and most importantly don't let her get to you to the point where that first drink pops into your head.
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Old 05-27-2010, 04:42 PM
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Hi Kim,

I agree with August. Cut her off! Having been through similar situations myself I have actually found that if I ignored them, they eventually went away.

Grab some power back in the situation and I am glad you are not letting her affect your sobriety.

Stay strong :ghug3
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Old 05-27-2010, 05:10 PM
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Originally Posted by traderjane View Post
I have determined from this that there are people out there who are toxic to us, people who are unbalanced who like to blame others for all their problems, even go so far as to be aggressive and mean and try to make you feel bad about yourself.
^THIS!

Originally Posted by augustwest View Post
pray for her
accept that you are powerless over her behavior
let it go!
stop associating with her if it continues to affect your serenity. don't open emails, answer the phone, whatever... cut it off.
^And THIS!

Please pay attention to these points! They are extremely valid and I am almost 100% sure your distress over the issue will all but vanish, save for the memories, if you take the above quotes to heart.

Never forget that you can't control ANYTHING other than what you DO. I understand that, whether accurate or not, we might not be able to control what or how we think, but we are forever in control of our actions.
That is why it is important to never have deep expectations for anyone; people are far too unpredictable

Realizing that can even be a little scary.... these days, however, I actually take comfort in these simple facts of life on earth.

No matter what, I hope things smooth out for you!
WW
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Old 05-27-2010, 05:51 PM
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Kmber2010, I truly understand your situation with this woman. You can very nicely tell her, that she is a nice woman, and you mean no harm to her. Every time she calls on you, just tell her your busy, and after a while she will get the hint.

When I cleaned up, I realized that I didn't have much in common with my friends who were still getting high. Sometimes we just have to move forward. If you feel she is a stalker, she probably is. So be careful, and kind of let her down easy so she doesn't harm you in any way. She sounds like a nut job, but it's not for me to judge.
I don't even know the woman. However, with the boss calling and all that, sounds like she is a trouble maker. Follow your instinct, and break away for good.

Let us know how things turn out.
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