littlefish

I resisted the disease theory for a long time. Now, I totally believe that I have a disease of the body, mind and soul. Standing on a bathroom scale with a box of wine to measure it's content at 06:30 in the morning before I open the valve and pour it down my throat, without a glass, has to be an indication of some kind of sickness.

I don't think I am a bad person anymore. There are too many people who love me and care about me. But, I know I am sick. You call yourself stupid. I did too. I called myself every name in the book.
Please understand: you are not stupid. You are a smart woman, but you have a disease.

Dee74

Please do make the counselling call Laura.

I think we all need as much help as we can get...I'm someone who's pride did nearly actually kill them, don't go down that road.

D

Dee74

Hi to you too Summer

I don't have much experience to share with your situation, but I know others will
Have you seen our Family and Friends forums as well?

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Welcome to SR
D

lauraandersen4

Thank you guys... I appreciate the responses and do understand the severity of the problem. Last time I drank, I ended up really sick. My husband came home to find me drunk and I slept through our evening plans... He brought me a garbage can to puke in and didn't talk to me for awhile. I don't recall that day but he said that he was going through my medications seeing if he should call 911. He said angry isn't the word for the intensity of what he felt.

He said I was sick... told me I was an alcoholic and said that he felt extremely deceived. I felt horrible... then he said he isn't sure what to do anymore... and that he promised for better or worse and this is definitely the worse part. He said he doesn't even trust me anymore and that he can't keep babysitting me and worrying about me when he isn't around. He went on to find me a list of every AA meeting in town. I don't know why I do such ridiculous things when I know I have a problem.

Summer... good luck with your situation. If he is willing to truly put in the effort, what is the harm in trying it out. I think you do have to be realistic though and realize that it may not work out how you would like it to... but if you feel he is what you are looking for and he loves you it may be a risk worth taking

Kmber2010

Hey Laura, Hope you are doing well today. You definitely have me pegged wrong but that is ok. I wish I were young, non alcoholic and didn't have to be in recovery. I wish I hadn't hit rock bottom with my health, social life and mental/emotional well being for me to quit. I am 36 with 10 years of hard core boozing under my belt. I probably drank more then the average alcoholic if you will but none the less we are all here for the same reason.....to get sober.

I am about 40 days sober and no there was no moderating, cutting back, blah blah. Read through my posts friend if you would like but I guess I know what I have been through and the years of the constant pity party veiled by pride are over.

About 2 years ago I was getting divorced, had no job and no money. I was pawning the gifts from my ex to pay for basic utilities and of course....the cheapest box of wine I could because I would drink over food. Yeah.... $5 of gas in the car and $8 for my wine. Tell me how twisted my thinking was.

I am different today because I have used every excuse in the book to drink. Blamed everyone but I wanted and craved that drink. Nobody forced me too. I let an abscess fester because I wanted to stay at home and drink. Almost died from sepsis and had emergency surgery in the ER because someone my husband carried me to car and took me in. I was given xanax for the hellish panic attacks and shaking that wouldn't stop. Yet, I kept drinking.

Point is.....I was killing myself with drinking. I was out of control for years and I did a good job of hiding it and somewhat functioning.

I finally called myself for what I was and am.....alcoholic....came to SR, sought counseling to help me understand and how to find more constructive means of sobriety. I had to stand up and do something and dump that ugly thing called pride. Yeah I am not ashamed of who and what I am. I have learned but each day I am still learning so much more. I guess this last bender should've killed me when I was puking through my nose, shaking violently and seeing worms and sh!t all over my walls. I thought I was going to die. It was then that I stopped. Not just physically but mentally. Everyday I fight to stay off the sauce.

I know you are in a bad place and have experienced much of what you are feeling. I am only supportive of you my friend.

Huggs.

lauraandersen4

I think the physical withdrawal was bad, but the insomnia is KILLING ME still and to had to go off of meds (Elavil) bc things were moved around overnight in our room and my only explanation was sleepwalking. On top of that, I punch and kick and choke my husband during sleep (nice right... that happened a lot while I was drinking... but also has increased on Elavil.)

What part of Germany are you in? My family (both sides) are from Bavaria. My grandmother was born in Dingolfing.

Kmber2010

I had really bad insomnia too. Probably the first week after drinking was my worst. I would get maybe an hour of sleep after staring at the ceiling forever it seemed and then wake up with a panic attack.....grrrr. I would just breath, get up and make a beeline for SR...haha. Yes, SR saved me each time.....knowing I wasn't alone.

Totally here ya though.....I was on pain meds for an injury along with other prescription meds when I quit. I just tossed them all because I was so scared of how sick I was. Kinda shocked my system. Hubby was gone for a few weeks which I am seeing now as a good thing. I made a choice to quit and man.....I wouldn't want anyone to see me in that shape. My whole face was covered in red sores and I looked like I had chickenpox.

I am in the Rheinland Pfalz part of Germany. Hubby is active duty so we are stationed here. Kinda funny to be here since I am half German on my Dad's side and we trace the tree all the way back to family here. Pretty interesting.

Where are you located? Oh by the way....I also was in law school for a bit. Won't take much to figure out what happened there. I can relate to you in many areas.

yeahgr8

Hi again, i remember you from last time...

Just make the call before you lose everything...

I noticed you giving advice on another thread to a newcomer, and you have obviously shared your opinion with Kim....do you think you are in a position to give advice to anyone?

It would be better to just concentrate on your own problems and not get sidetracked at the moment, the fact is that you admit to being an alcoholic and only stopped drinkiing with the aid of medication on 11th May and are struggling with that...you said you understand the severity of the situation but are unwilling to make a call to the counselor, go to AA or SMART?

Maybe you could have a think about this for a second and then make that call:-)

lauraandersen4

Cool Kim about being in Germany... and that you can relate. The insomnia for me started on March 20 and has been constant since except for one week when the Elavil helped before I had to go off of it. Anyway, I have always wanted to go to Germany. Is the area where you are pretty?

No, I don't feel I'm in a place to give advice on much of this... but the only advice I gave was to think about giving Naltrexone a try because it really helped to curb my cravings when I took it at 2PM (not 7AM)... I am on it... so yes, I think I can advise on that. I'm not willing to try AA for now. SMART I would but they don't offer it here and the whole thread is about looking to gain the courage to make the counseling call. Gimme a break

Impurrfect

((Laura)) - I've been to counseling a few times, for various things in my life. It wasn't like anything I imagined.

No one told me what to do. I wasn't told what I did wrong. It was more of asking me questions, getting me to THINK about why I did what I did, offering suggestions of other ways of looking at things (a lot like SR)..things I had never thought about. I was given information about whatever I was dealing with.

I put up one helluva fight, the first time it was recommended that I go to counseling...no drug/alcohol issues..I had lost 3 immediate family members in 4 years, the most recent being my 18-year-old baby stepsister and was in a type of PTSD and NOT functioning. I kept telling people "NO! I'm an RN, I'm supposed to be able to handle this...I handle crises all day long!!" Wrong, I wasn't "handling" a darned thing.

I WOULD recommend finding one that specializes in alcoholism/addiction. When I searched for one, not too long ago, for PTSD, every counselor I looked up listed what their specialties were. I know that we don't always "click" with the counselors, but I've had very good results with the ones I've been too.

I've never been told what to do about a counselor. what I HAVE been is offered educated options/suggestions and compassion, an ear to listen to who "gets" me. I would be going to one, now, in fact if it weren't that I dont have the money or insurance.

I think it's definitely worth a try!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Kmber2010

Oh yeah Laura it is beautiful here. It is a bit more country but man its gorgeous in Germany. Now that I am sober....well I am realizing the beauty all around. Didn't see it at all last year when I was sitting in depressed and boozing thats for sure.

Amy made a great post on counseling. My counseling has been great. We focus mostly on my sobriety, stress management and dealing with past pain. He gets me and I feel so good when I leave. My sessions help me understand myself and the encouragement is awesome. We talk about the changes I want to make and how I am going do it. We focus on one task at a time and taking it day by day. Keeps me grounded and focused.

It was nerve wracking walking into my mental health clinic on base. Yeah, no hiding it but now I go about every 3 weeks and probably after this next session....I will further it out to 6 weeks and so on.

My own hubby is just starting counseling and I remember he was turned off to it. Now that he has a few sessions....I can see change for the better in him.

Kmber2010

Morning Laura. Just checking in and seeing how your doing. Any update on your counseling? Hope all is well

lauraandersen4

Thanks Kim and I apologize for yesterday. I just get frustrated when people don't seem to understand that I am trying. If I wasn't, I would drink every day as I did for 5 years... not make it 2-4 weeks at a time without touching the stuff.

I only went on the medication as per the doctors advice (can't drink alcohol with this heart issue) after I thought the cravings were literally going to drive me insane. Granted it was a very stressful part of the year but I could not get a project done because I couldn't focus on anything else but the cravings. I can't seem to adequately explain that that is the reason I gave into them and drank April 21 and 22 and frankly, I find it shocking when people here don't understand the intensity of such cravings when they happen. I had never experienced anything so strong in my life.

It was eye opening to me when my husband said that he no longer trusted me and that he knows he promised for better or worse, but that he isn't sure he can honor that if this continues... so yeah, I haven't called about counseling yet but I think I will if it actually helps. I'm willing to give it a shot at any rate. I'm so serious about quitting I'm willing to try anything! Even my husband says this time seems 'different'

Kmber2010

I hope you make that call Laura. I know all too well the difficulties in quitting. I knew alcohol was killing me and my life was a mess but the pull towards alcohol was overwhelming. It was in my head that I needed it, couldn't live without it, etc. Hence why I was boozing for 10 years. Not that I loved every minute of it but was in your place many a time.

Most of us do understand you and have been there which is why we all have said what we have. I would lie to say that quitting is easy and I felt fine. It was a horrid experience but just quitting is not enough. Been there and done that.

I think you beat yourself up too much about the relapse. You are sober again right? Picked up and back on the wagon right? Now you need the support to help with making the positive changes in you and around you. Sobriety is a new you and a new life.

We fully support you and there are many different options for support and they are there for a reason. We want nothing more to help you with your sobriety.

I haven't met anyone on SR that has criticized me or didn't get me. I may have been a little unsure at first of a few comments but now that I am moving along in my recovery....I get what they were saying.

1_day@_a_time

I don't know why I do such ridiculous things when I know I have a problem.

Perhaps because you have a disease?

If the doc said you had cancer, would you really listen & take the advice? Or would you do your own thing and try to handle it/cure yourself?

Your husband will never, ever understand why you "just can't quit".

He's not an alcoholic..........he can take it or leave it.

Candidly, he should probably be involved in some sort of recovery too to help him with the process and get a better understanding of the disease.

1_day@_a_time

And plenty of people are involved in AA w/o the whole Higher Power God thing.....I was for over 4 yrs.

The next 4 I would never in my life have imagined could have ever been possible.

Put your past beliefs behind you and start fresh.

littlefish

I hope you find smart recovery and I hope you decide to meet that counselor. If it helps, try to imagine that you will find him or her to be a very kind and understanding person that you can trust. That is what I found to be true of my therapist.

I also had a Roman Catholic church background and rejected it at a very early age. I assumed I would have to return to that version of faith or someone else's version in AA but found that was not the case. AA is a spiritual program, not religious. There are references to God but also to a "higher power, or a power greater than oneself". Many people in the program of AA see the fellowship itself as a higher power.

Kmber2010

Hope all is well Laura....Just thinking of you.