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Why Did I Drink?

Old 05-27-2010, 08:38 AM
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I drank because I hadn't developed the tools to live a mostly happy and complete life.

I basically stagnated, and then the alcohol completed the viscious cycle; fooling me into thinking I was "growing" when in fact I was beginning the slide downward.

Recovery has given me the chance to learn the tools and grow.
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Old 05-31-2010, 11:47 AM
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This is a very interesting thread for me. I am just starting yet another attempt at sobriety and this thread has got me thinking about why I started drinking.

I have never had a social life and barely drank at all until I was 20 (I am now 33) and I had a couple of awful episodes at family gatherings where I got terribly drunk, probably as drunk as I have ever been since. For whatever reason these incidents which were within a few months of each other in my 21st year, didnt put me off.

Even though I lived at home with my mom I started buying cider on the way home from work once or twice a week, only amounted to 3 or 4 pints each time. There wasnt any reason I can think of for doing it at the time, I wasnt particularly unhappy and no great situational change occured. I still cant explain it.

Anyway, one thing led to another and it became a daily thing to buy the cider, then the amounts each day would increase. By the time I was 25 I moved out and now live on my own. Since then my contact with my mother decreased as visiting her meant I wouldnt drink, as she was becoming concerned. As the years have gone by my life has become centred around alcohol.

I visit my mother once a week- if I am not so hungover it is impossible- I have shut myself off from every other member of my family, I drink literallly all the time I am not at work ( how I kept my job I dont know), even if I wake at 6am I will start drinking, I dont open the curtains in my house anymore, I am seriously overweight, I am a mess...

There are many more examples I could go into to illustrate the way the years have unfolded for me which I wont go in to, but all this started just by simply trying alcohol in the first place.

I started drinking and I got hooked. I think it is that simple.
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Old 05-31-2010, 12:00 PM
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The question for me was why wouldn't I drink? It was so engrained in my recreation and cultural background and role-models and also it was a bloody great laugh. I used to love it, I really truly did.

BUT it was a love that I realised was far too powerful and unnatural and a love that only an alcoholic will ever feel.

My drinking turned into classic alcoholic drinking and I saw how the park bench was the natural companion of an alcoholic. I didn't mind it when i was drunk but when the booze wore off I wondered whether my best friend was really worth it. I was a ranting, swearing alcoholic chuntering to the sky in a drunken mess. I don't remember none of this (I am reliably informed) but I suddenly realised what I had become and reminded myself of. That street alcoholic who you saw when you were little talking to the sky and shouting and ranting to himself.

Peace
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Old 05-31-2010, 12:43 PM
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I drink/drank because it made me feel better or different. If I was happy it was a great way to celebrate, If I was sad it was a great way to forget. If I was mad, insecure, lonely, or any other feeling you can imagine it accompanied it well. Until of course I was drunk even then apparently I liked it because given the choice I'd just keep drinking. But then the next day...
When I drink unlike some people I loose the ability to be rationale to make any kind of reasonable choice. I'm never the one to say "okay, time to go home" I'm the one saying oh, come on one more bar, beer, shot etc.
If I had to say the number one reason though, it would be that I'm not very comfortable with myself sober.. and this, I'm going to try and change....
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Old 05-31-2010, 01:34 PM
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welcome back TheChangingMan

D
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Old 05-31-2010, 01:43 PM
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To tell you the truth, at the end, I did not know why I drank.
I was drunk for so many years, it just took over my mind and body. I am an alcoholic.

I'm also bipolar, and the thing I can put my finger on, is that drinking made me feel like I THOUGHT everyone else felt sober. Alcohol tricks you. I drank heavily for twenty years. You name it I drnak it.

At one point switched from beer to vodka, this is the natural progression of the disease.
Puking in the morning, But still not feeling like I drank too much.
Slowly tapered off over months on beer again. A six pack a week. Sometimes I would vomit the first one, then keep on. Crazy, huh?

With the help of this board and a higher power than me, I've been sober 150 days now.

If I can do it, you can too. Willpower got me nowhere. It was a moment of clarity that I didn't want to be a drunk anymore.
Got sick of hiding bottles, rotating liquor stores, throwing away the empties in different dumpsters. But was I fooling anyone? Yes, myself. Everyone I know knew I was a drunk.

These last 150 days have been glorious. I'm making new friends. Told the old ones I quit.
They stuck by me when I was drinking, and we've only gotten closer.

Just a little about me, hoping you can relate to some of it.
Maybe you could try AA? It's worked for millions.
I've learned what works for me and I'm sticking to it. The thought of a drink now repulses me.

Best of luck to you, whatever you decide, on your journey.
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Old 05-31-2010, 02:21 PM
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At first, I drank because I thought it was normal, sophisticated, and socially "right." I drank because it was fun--a hell of a lot of fun--becuase it turned off the part of me that worried and wanted to control everything, and it let me be the person who was uninhibited and a "rockstar." It let me obtain the attention I craved without suffering through the anxiety I experienced alongside it. I drank because I wanted to try everything and live on the edge; was I going to take huge risks sober? Alcohol helped do the things I was afraid to do.

Later, I drank because it was a habit. I drank because I was lonely. I drank because it made me feel comfortable in social situations when I had lost the ability to feel comfortable sober. I drank because everyone else was drinking. I drank because I was bored. I drank to forget my problems--that I was single, that I felt unsexy, that I was overweight, that I realized all the material advantages of my youth meant nothing, that my family was dysfuctional, that I was broke, that my boss was a bully, that I had health problems as a consequence --directly or indirectly--of alcohol abuse. Or I drank for the hair of the dog.

Later still I drank for no reason at all. And when I drank, it did not solve any of the problems above--it only made them worse. Last, I drank because I was afraid to stop --afraid of what would happen to me, my social life, my entire sense of myself, without alcohol.

Finally I became honest with myself about all this. And that is why I no longer drink.
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Old 05-31-2010, 02:33 PM
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ditto to everything American Girl said.... (you really covered it all for me I think, AG!)
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Old 05-31-2010, 04:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Snarf View Post
I drank because I am an alcoholic.
Just had to re-state that one. There are hundreds of reasons why we picked up but, if you're an alcoholic, the reasons really are meaningless. THAT we drank and could not stop once we started and, when we stopped couldn't seem to stay stopped (in spite of wanting to stay stopped) are the issues to be looked at.

I have a good friend who's been in a wheelchair for around 25 years or more. He can study, research, understand and discuss all he wants about the particulars of the accident he was in, why he turned his motorcycle the way he did vs turning another way, what bones were broken, what neural pathways were severed, etc etc etc..... but none of that changes the fact that he's IN a chair NOW and will be for the rest of his life.

THAT he's in the chair and how to deal with it is infinitely more important to how he's going to live his life today and from here on out than WHY. That he has to find a way to drive to work, get into an office, use the bathroom, etc etc is what to deal with today....and the "why's" are irrelevant.


I say this because, IF you're an alcoholic, THAT you are is so much more important than WHY you are - right now. Deal with the problem at hand and then go back all you want and research the why's. Don't sell this illness short....it's a bad mother and it'll take you down big time if it's ignored. "Why" can become an exercise in futility as well as a way to ignore/put-off dealing with the problems at hand right now.

In the AA book (which is not only Bill W's opinion/experience but that of the first 100 recovered AA's who proof-read, modified and contributed to the text) it mentions over and over that self knowledge will do nothing to "fix" alcoholism. Heck, Roland Hazard studied for a full year under Dr Jung (one of the preeminent psychiatrists on the planet at the time - second only to Freud) yet within a week or two of his leaving Dr. Jung with more knowledge and information than any of us is likely able to acquire on our own.......he was drunk again.

So, the REAL reason I drank isn't because I got a raise, or didn't get one, got fired or didn't, got a great girl in my life or didn't, played well on the golf course, or didn't.......etc etc etc..... the deepest reason of all is: I DRANK BECAUSE I'M AN ALCOHOLIC (and didn't even know it at the time).
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Old 05-31-2010, 05:45 PM
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Cool

In AA's BB in 'The Doctor's Opinion' it says that men and women drink essentially because they like the effect caused by alcohol.....and yes, I agree with this, but.........

I'm with Snarf and DayTrader. I never needed to find the deep, underlying cause as to WHY I touched the hot stove and burned my hand; I just needed to realize that as long as I didn't touch the hot stove, I, more than likely, wouldn't burn my hand.....

.....and as for reasons....? ......the becauses......? ......the triggers (gotta love all them new euphamisms, eh).....? Nah, not for me; no excuses needed for my drinking; I was an (active) alcoholic, and that's what alcoholic's do; they drink; not an excuse; just a fact.

Ya know....it's funny, but I've known a number of folks who 'drank over issues' 'drank while going through some stuff in their lives' etc., etc., etc., ......from the outside, all would say that they were alcoholics.....but, when all was said and done, when these folks got help....: therapists, counselors (both secular and spiritual); when they worked on their issues; dealt with them; walked through whatever was going on in their lives; when they reached the other side, well, the alcohol problem was gone (with the issues, I guess, I dunno); they were not, nor were they ever alcoholics, and today folks would call them normal, non-alcoholic drinkers (who drink on occasions, and usually rare ones at that).

On reading this over, I realize that it sounds like Im saying that if person has a reason for their drinking, or they say they do, then I might be saying that person probably isn't an alcoholic.....this is definitely NOT what I'm saying; just what I've observed through my experience on this recovery journey.


(o:
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Old 05-31-2010, 06:24 PM
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Originally Posted by NoelleR View Post

..........it sounds like Im saying that if person has a reason for their drinking, or they say they do, then I might be saying that person probably isn't an alcoholic.....this is definitely NOT what I'm saying; just what I've observed through my experience on this recovery journey.
Hmm, I on the other hand, WOULD say that. kinda

If you're drinking over "issues," and once you're past those issues you don't drink like you used to, then.....at the very least.....you're not the type of alcoholic the AA book is written for or about. There's also a paragraph that goes over whether you've lost the ability to choose or not. If you can still choose whether you drink or not then, like I said before, you're not the "type" the book addresses. If you can get past your issues and control your drinking or if you can still control your drinking then you can call yourself an alcoholic if you want to but, by AA's definition, you're not.
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Old 05-31-2010, 07:00 PM
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I am still drinking but made the decision to go to rehab this friday.

For me, (and im just speculating right now) I think I just was a party animal and loved the buzz and loved getting hammered drunk. Then the scale of pleasure vs. pain started to even out....then it became reversed. So that it was more pain the pleasure. When I was with girls, they liked being around me because I was pretty much a comedian, they liked me, but not in the way that I wanted to be liked. That hurt me deep down. It was impossible for me to have a girlfriend. What women wants to date a guy who drinks all the time? Maybe another drunk, but I had no interest in dating another drunk so who the **** would want to date a drunk when a drunk doesn't even want to date a drunk.

Anyway, I think I was just one of those people who was prone to getting hooked. I have always been an all or nothing person. If I like something, I will put everything into it and become the best. Sucks that I liked alcohol so much.

Also, I started to not get those calls from friends to come out anymore and found myself watching Simpsons reruns and drinking alone. I decided its time for a change. I hope I can stick it out.

Much love to everyone who got clean and is truly happy. I can't say that I am miserable, but I know I need to change if I ever want to do something with my life. I am still young and still hold on to hope. I'm glad I haven't lost that because hope is a very dangerous thing to lose.
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Old 05-31-2010, 08:38 PM
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I remember as a kid always being fascinated by alcoholic drinks. For example, I would always look at the specialty drink menu at restaurants, get virgin drinks, & wanted a blender at the house so I could make virgin pina coladas & margaritas. I actually remember my brother saying "you're gonna be an alcoholic", when I was looking at such a menu & talking about how good a particular drink looked. I remember hearing at a young age that alcoholism ran on both sides of my family, but I never learned about it 'til later.

I had my first drink when I was around the age of 9, I didn't like it because I thought it was suppose to be sweeter (red wine). Ironically enough, red wine became the drink I would favor the most in my later stages of drinking. I didn't begin drinking on a regular basis 'til I was 16 & it was at a party. Thought it was sprite, couldn't even taste the difference really. Then kept drinking more & more, liquor mainly, binge style--mainly mixed drinks & shooting tequila--'til I got so sick off tequila too many times & refused to drink it for about 2 years.

I began college right after my 18th birthday & continued to drink a whole bunch. Definitely on a daily basis. Started drinking a lot of beer too. I mainly stuck with beer & liked vodka & mountain dew for a while. Started really getting into the wine stage at the age of 20 and mainly stuck to wine & beer & meddled in a bit of other substances during this phase too. When I finally became of age I just drank a whole lotta beer & enjoyed crown & sprite. During the last phase leading to sobriety at the age of 23, I acquired a taste for bourbon & scotch, became my drink of choice (aside from beer) on the rocks, with a 'lil water at first, but quickly ice was enough because it would melt slightly.

I guess I was a destined drinker. Who knows? All I do know, is that I didn't want to continue going the way I was. Seemed that I would only meet a bleak future if I did. I reckon during the various phases I just felt more at ease with my self in social situations if I were drinking, plus it was definitely the norm, but all and all it was just something I did, a part of my identity. I wasn't raised in an abusive family, neither one of my parents drank around me until later in life & not much.

thanks for the thread, I've only briefly gone through all this in my head. Helps to remind me of why I made this decision in the first place.
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Old 05-31-2010, 08:49 PM
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Ooo yeah, sorry to continue, I know this is a lot. But I just remembered that after my first serious relationship ended I began to drink & use other substances a lot more & that's when my reoccurring regrettable decision making came into play--mainly in relationships. The dysfunctional relationships & unnecessary stress I was causing myself to go through really made me take another look & say " enoughs enough, I have to do something!" My dad was also telling me the definition of insanity probably twice annually & when I'd vent to my mom she would bring up how alcohol always seemed to bepart of the equation, but I never wanted to hear that. So, my stubbornness led me to that decision later after heartaches that could have been avoided if only I would have learned from my past& others'. I hope to never make that poor judgment again.

Okayy Okay I'm really done now
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Old 05-31-2010, 09:07 PM
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Coming home from work, and cracking open a nice cold beer, or whisky, or bottle of wine, was like slipping of an overcoat, not to be thought of again until the next morning. Everything about the day, good, bad, ugly, quickly drowned out and lost within a few sips. And then the reward, the warm rush, and feeling of tranquility.

Why not!?!

It beat reality. Until the next day, when reality no longer existed. Clarity, lost.
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Old 06-01-2010, 12:25 AM
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Obviously the short answer is that I drank because I am an alcoholic, but that doesn't really tell the entire story for most of us. It may or may not be totally useless to understand what made us drink like fishes. For me though, knowing how booze tricked so many into being its' willing slave is worth knowing for a lot of reasons.

For some of us, this is a question worth examining, so thanks for asking.

I grew up around a family full of alcoholics and hated the drink, and was disgusted by drunken behavior, for the first 20 or so years of life. I watched it destroy the lives of people I loved. So for me, there was never any allure towards the social aspects of drinking, nor the need to find "liquid courage" during my impressionable years. It was the exact polar opposite for me. I hated the smell and taste, and I thought people who drank were completely unusable, useless idiots.

I drank - in the beginning - because it was just so prevalent in my industry that I just got tired of being the sober guy, the dude missing all the good parties. The booze culture wore me down I guess. Life as a musician just seemed infinitely more fun with a bottle of Jack Daniels. So on my first real drunken evening, I understood that it was this socially acceptable excuse to be an irresponsible a$$ for a few hours a day. That fact alone sold me. Add to that the fact that I liked the way it made me feel -or not feel- (as someone else stated) and I had to admit - at the time - booze was a great coping mechanism for most of lifes' more profound nonsense.

Later on, I noticed how life started getting more exciting in direct co-relation to the amount of booze I could put back. I would end up more popular, people thought I was funny/cool/brave, and often I was admired for the things I accomplished while being pi$$ed out of my skull.

And let's not forget that - socially anyway - there's so much positive reinforcement for the use of booze to cope. The deck is literally stacked against those of us with a propensity for alcoholism.

At some point in my life, it became a very useful crutch. I would booze out of boredom, booze to alleviate the feelings of a tragedy, booze to calm me down, booze to sleep, booze to beat down some knucklehead, booze to get laid ... anything really.

It was only when I started using the sauce as nothing more than a necessary medication for emotional and physical pain that I started slipping into the abyss. And, as with all of us I believe, at some point the inevitable occurred - a switch in my head was triggered, and there was never again a day when alcohol didn't completely rule/ruin my life.
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Old 06-01-2010, 12:32 AM
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edit: double posting
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Old 06-03-2010, 07:35 PM
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Binder, well put. i can relate to most of that. I never touched the stuff until college for similar reasons. I appreciate all the thought you put into your response.
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