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Confronting Ignor(e)ance in Others

Old 05-23-2010, 07:29 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by zbear23 View Post
As a self centered alcoholic, I always thought that my opinions, thoughts, feelings and preferences should "count," that others should be considerate of them. But, as a RECOVERED self-centered alcoholic,, I realize that I seldom offered this same understanding and consideration to others. I still wanted everything to be my way and it took quite a while to develop the tolerance to understand that if you present a problem for me....it is MY problem, not yours. And further.....wisdom was for me to "mind my own business," and not condemn others.

I get such a kick out of newly sober alcoholics (and I include my memories of myself) as we expect others to not only respect our sobriety, but to applaud it. I began managing my life more reasonably, doing stuff that normal people routinely did (like keeping commitments, paying bills, practicing integrity).....and expecting praise for it. It was all about my pride, my ego. Didn't they understand how hard this was for me? Oh, poor me.....no one understood me (other than other alcoholics). Hell, my MOTHER offered me a beer when I was three years sober.....all I could do was smile and gently say, "no thanks."

The basic text of AA stipulates that so long as I have a legitimate reason to be in the presence of alcohol, I really need to be able to do that. Avoidance is no solution. I don't hang out in bars, but have no problem meeting for dinner at a restaurant that serves alcohol, nor with companions drinking in front of me. And if offered, I usually just decline. I may go so far as saying, "no thanks, I don't drink." The only people who think abstinence is unusual are mostly problem drinkers and drunks. It took me a while to realize that mainly what I had in common with my drinking companions, was the drinking. As there was little else to hold us together, they mostly drifted off after a while.

And I also do not strut my status as a recovered alcoholic. Nor would I persist in emphasizing that I am vegetarian. If invited to dinner I might inquire as to whether my diet could be accommodated, but I wouldn't expect anyone to take issue with my dietary choices.....and those who seem uncomfortable with my not drinking may well have a problem themselves.

Push comes to shove, and someone persists in trying to get me to drink, I have on occasion said that "I cannot drink because I'm an alcoholic.....and maybe you are as well?" Usually, such folks make a quick exit and never 'try" me again.

I've also found some truth in the statement that expectations (of others) are premeditated resentments.

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This ia way off topic but this post made my day...it reminds me of the Chris Rock routine about wanting a medal for not having ever gone to prison...

It took me a while to think hmm i know people that have been turning up for the day all their lives...maybe life doesn't owe me anything...joking apart thats a painful lesson and is a big way to getting recovered IMO...

Not saying im through it but working on it...i still dont fully understand why everyone doesnt do what i want but am accepting it more lol
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Old 05-23-2010, 07:52 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by flutter View Post
Telling someone that I'm an alcoholic doesn't not necessarily say "I don't drink"..

Telling people I don't drink alcohol usually answers any questions about my drink preference just fine.

Exactly. At my former job there was a guy who mentioned he was an alcoholic...but that he had no intentions of quitting.

Maybe it's just me and my limited perspective, but it seems as though there are a lot of people outside of SR saying that they are alcoholics...perhaps as a joke or a catch phrase. I don't know...maybe 'alcoholic' doesn't have nearly the same impact on the general public like it does for us in this corner of the web.

Lots of good suggestions and experience here.
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Old 05-23-2010, 08:14 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Old 05-23-2010, 09:31 AM
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Flutter, something similar to that - which I used last night on someone I'd call a friend-in-law, who is the type of guy who sort of "asks too many questions" in general - was to say "I don't like drinking anymore." And then when he would come back to it again (either out of a host's sense of duty or because he has that way of returning to a topic, like a puppy dog that keeps coming back), I said, "...I like it better now." That was pretty effective, because it changed the direction quite a bit. He only tried to coax once or twice after that, but that was more a knee-jerk reaction while he was drinking, and he let go.

This guy was not the one I was referring to (and what was bugging me) when I started this thread. But it's good to go over this, because it can apply to those cases when someone less close to you doesn't get it and you haven't really told them you're an alcoholic.
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Old 05-23-2010, 09:33 AM
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Zbear, there's a lot of good things to consider in there on how to avoid resentment traps.
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Old 05-23-2010, 10:15 AM
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I think when I started out this topic, I should have just said I was surprised that a couple of people I'd become rather close to in the last few years had a half-memory about my mentioning what I went through and had begun to change. And then the apparent lack of 2+2 on what alcoholism/post-drinking means was astounding to me.

When I gave it some more thought, I looked at the fact that I had been a vegetarian a long time (lacto-ovo, only included dairy and eggs) and then reincorporated fish and fowl not that many years ago. One or two people needed to be reminded that I was OK with fish and chicken and turkey again. I avoided the temptation to be miffed about their not remembering it. And the same appears to have happened here with my alcoholism topic.

But I left the dinner/party last night feeling very loved.

There's not much more I can explain about this. I think it's just one of those times that people don't internalize something they normally would do. I also thought back on a time nearly 20 years ago that a friend asked about my father as though he were alive (but he had talked to me at length about my father's death prior to that). Sometimes we forget things that should be etched into our minds a lot more clearly and then we make these really strange mistakes.

As far as whether to tell close friends or not, I don't really have anyone else left that fits that category. And then on the less intimate level, when people don't know and it is more about avoiding the "same old questions" about why you don't want alcohol, I suppose I would be able to use my methods from the vegetarian thing, and I mastered almost completely how to avoid exasperation there in the days when I was more of a strict (lacto-ovo) vegetarian.
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