Just Breathe1

I am new to this, and this is my first post, so if I screw anything up I apologize. I have been in a relationship with an alcoholic for the past 6 years, and we recently split up. I have a 12 year old son whose biological father is not involved, and my ex was his father in every way.Our 6 year relationship was very tumultous, due to his disease, but very full of love too.Over the past year or so his disease has progressed rather rapidly. He tried to quit on his own, and was successful for a couple of months, but inevitably he started drinking again. After many broken promises, and far too much drama I finally had had enough, and I told him that he either had to move out or get help, and he moved out. It wasn't that simple of course, I had to eventually change the locks to get him to actually leave. He left but kept his key and just kept coming back. I changed the locks about 2 months ago, and he is still drinking. As a matter of fact his drinking has done nothing but gotten worse since he left. Before he moved out he admitted to having a problem, and said he wanted to get help. Now, he is drinking all day everyday, and just blames the demise of our relationship on me.

The thing is I really did believe that if I made it clear to him that we couldn't be together unless he got help, that he would get help. I know that he can not control his drinking, as I have seen him really try with all his heart, but I feel like he can control whether or not he gets help for the drinking. I am having a really hard time accepting the fact that he would rather be without his family and drink then to be with us and get help. He always said we were his everything and that he would do anything he had to do to make our relationship work. Now, however, it is clear that that is not the case.

Since he left he has tried to manipulate me into just accepting his drinking so we can be together. There is no way that can ever happen. I still desperately want to be with him, well the old him, but I will not do it while he is drinking. It just causes far too much hurt and negative consequences.

I am curious if there is any hope that the reality of losing our life, that I know he loved, will be enough to force him to see what he is doing to himself and that he needs to get help, or if I should give up hope as I am just being naive. Please be honest with me, but go easy, as this is all very new to me, and I am in a pretty fragile emotional state right now. Thanks.

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

Of course no one knows the answer to that question.

There is always hope that your ex will decide he wants to stop drinking and that he will seek help for himself. And, he will need to do it for himself, not for you and your son.

I hope you seek support for yourself with AlAnon or with the forums on these boards for Friends and Families.

Kerbcrawler

thanks for sharing,his battle will be his battle...if he wants help and change its there for him..and your there for him..if he doesent he will continue downward in despair..you can only look after you and yours..and hope to goodness,he gets his act together..its not easy..for any of us addicts..he may need to hit bottom..before he finally realizes...for some it takes many yrs..for others it dont..your right to not have him there with you to disrupt and bring turmoil to yourself and family...good luck..take care..

Just Breathe1

Thank you for your response. Hearing that I'm doing the right thing by not being with him, eventhough I already know it, always helps.

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

Think it's very important to remember that if he doesn't recover, it's no reflection whatsoever on you, just more proof of the insidious nature of alcoholism.

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

Starburst

hello and welcome, sorry I cant shed too much light on yr situation, but from my experience, my then alcoholic boyfriend before he became my Husband, did clean up his act. we have been married 11 years this year, 3 years ago he fell off the wagon and has not been able to get clean, even after I confronted him. So i suppose at the end of the day, it depends entirely on how far they need to go and hit rock bottom, before they can begin to see how they are/have destroyed their and our lives! We have 2 girls. I hope u will keep posting here like I do and u will contine to get grt support.

smacked

You don't have the power to make him drink, regardless of him tossing blame at you. You don't have the power to get him sober either. Seems he's made his intentions pretty clear, glad you're not ok with continuing having a front row seat to his destruction. While I'm not a fan of the "disease theory", ill agree with you that it is absolutely his choice to get help or not. He chose already, take care of you.

Mark75

I am frequently reminded, here and in real life, how powerful alcoholism is... how one stands at the edge ready to lose it all, yet he continues to drink.

Cunning Baffling Powerful

Hevyn

Welcome tfager. It helps so much to talk about it - takes a bit of the sting out of these situations. I agree that you've done the right thing. Sometimes doing the right thing hurts so much.

I was married for 12 yrs. (also drinking myself at that time) to a wonderful man who was an alcoholic who'd been drinking since age 15. He used it as a coping tool all his life, and it finally destroyed him. I know he loved me and our son - I know he never thought he'd lose us - but I finally had to keep myself from going down with the ship. I'd tried manipulating things and was the classic enabler. Nothing I ever said or did helped, and even when we attempted to get back together I smelled alcohol on him, although he claimed to have quit. He went into rehab, & when he came out he said, "Well, I know where I went wrong, I'll never get carried away again. I can have a beer now and then." That was when my heart sank to the floor. I'm not saying this will happen to you - but my man was not capable of seeing the light, even when faced with losing everything he treasured. I don't know why some people get it and others never do.

Let us know how you're doing - thank you for sharing your story with us.

Dee74

Welcome to SR tfager

I'm not going to make any predictions, but I'm glad you're taking care of yourself.
I know you'll find support here

D

Ghostly

Welcome tfager. I hope you are able to stick around, and I hope you find support here and elsewhere. I don't think anyone could have written a better response than Hevyn. So I'll just echo that he needs to get help for himself and he needs to want to do it. You need to take care of yourself and your son. Good luck.

Margareth

Hi there,

I'm so sorry to hear of your heartbreak. I'm an alcoholic and so is my husband and I'm lucky because we both want to quit.
Our alcoholism was in many ways a reaction to outside stressors but we found with those gone our tolerance and need remained undiminished so we have made our decision. We also made the pledge being in part each others enablers not to try and make the other stop and make the choice to leave the other if one of us would go back to drinking in the foreseeable future. We can not help the other, only ourselves and even our 23 year old relationship comes second at the moment. That is how it has to be.

If your partner can not make that choice walk away. Do it to safe yourself and your child. He needs to grow up in a safe non-abusive environment. Your health and that of your son need to come first.

Judging by the fact that he still drinks and needs to blame you points to the fact that he has made a choice. Not an active one perhaps but passive decisions are decisions too.

Stay safe, find a support group for family members of alcoholics and focus of healing and your own recovery as an enabler.

M

least

Welcome to SR! I'm sorry for your circumstances and hope you will take good care of yourself and child. HE has to want help before it can do any good. Do check out the friends and families forum. Lots of understanding and support there. :ghug3


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