I am beyond numb....need support
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
I am beyond numb....need support
Hey Guys-
Most of you know me.....36 days sober....haha....how fitting since I'm 36. Quit a brief relapse on 3 months sobriety.
Getting hit left and right with crap but still going strong and not looking at drinking. Kinda funny actually....like some divine intervention. Finding humor in all sorts of odd ways.
Here is the deal....get hit with an abnormal mammo so still undergoing huge tests to see what is going on. Not sure if cancer or what but just following the steps.
Not talking at all with parents since they are having a rough time (for effing 36 years of my life they have had it rough.) They tell me not to write/call unless I send them $$$. Yeah.....been bailing out my failure of a father for too long and bearing their ups/downs and financially screw ups for years. Finally said enough since they would suck me dry if they could. Sorry Dad....you chose to be unemployed and mooch off others not me. Obviously they don't remember any of the $$$$ and things I have given them over the years. All they care about is what can you do for me. A damn sinking ship. Just had to cut them off and since doing so.....I have taken charge of my addiction.
Here is the latest challenge or whatever it can be called.
I went to work yesterday and came home at lunch to get a call from my hubby's Sgt. (remember hubby is active duty). Hubby was at mental health for some disturbing comments he made.
It seems he has been thinking of killing himself for the past few months. He doesn't want to but he keeps getting thoughts of how to do it. He even had one during his weapon training this week. OMG.....is this really happening?
Well he is going to counseling now and they have pulled him to desk duty. I don't know what to make of all of it.
In counseling he said that the fear of me dying from cancer has been weighing on him....that he loves me too much. He is consumed with what is going to happen to me. He then went on to say he isn't satisified with our sex life and that he was looking forward to the deployment to get out of the situation and forget about it. He then apparently made a huge thing that he is consumed with not having kids. We are trying but if this does turn out to be cancer then the treatment may cause me to not be able to have children.
Ok.....I am f*cking stunned. I just sat there numb. I still am actually. I feel some resentment and hate that he didn't tell me any of this. That he told his first shirt over me. That I have been living with a stranger. I have different thoughts passing and I feel sad because each of his reasons for being upset and stressed have been over me.
Makes me feel awful but for some odd reason I am just accepting. I feel kinda broken....you know just like how does this bad luck keep hitting me. I drank to cope, to accept, to allow others to control me.
In a f*cked up way.....dude if wanna off yourself....well I can't stop you. I am feeling this way. I don't know but I have a hard time being sympathetic. Is this wrong of me? I mean.....I have noticed a trend in my life. I am alcoholic and I have tons of people around me and while they remind me of my problem.....I give in to what they and everyone wants. When I get sober.....I get strong and those around me ignore me....blah blah.
Sorry but I had to get this craziness off my chest. I am glad I am sober because if I weren't....who knows what state I would be in.
I am going for counseling guys so no worries but still.....I need something more. Maybe we should separate....you know. I mean....how can I trust him after this? Maybe he is faking it and I wake up to him offing himself.
The whole thing is insane but I just believe that the Lord gives us nothing we can't handle. Getting sober was the hardest thing and changing my ways.
Ok....just had to write this out.
Thanks if you read this thing.....I know its long.
Most of you know me.....36 days sober....haha....how fitting since I'm 36. Quit a brief relapse on 3 months sobriety.
Getting hit left and right with crap but still going strong and not looking at drinking. Kinda funny actually....like some divine intervention. Finding humor in all sorts of odd ways.
Here is the deal....get hit with an abnormal mammo so still undergoing huge tests to see what is going on. Not sure if cancer or what but just following the steps.
Not talking at all with parents since they are having a rough time (for effing 36 years of my life they have had it rough.) They tell me not to write/call unless I send them $$$. Yeah.....been bailing out my failure of a father for too long and bearing their ups/downs and financially screw ups for years. Finally said enough since they would suck me dry if they could. Sorry Dad....you chose to be unemployed and mooch off others not me. Obviously they don't remember any of the $$$$ and things I have given them over the years. All they care about is what can you do for me. A damn sinking ship. Just had to cut them off and since doing so.....I have taken charge of my addiction.
Here is the latest challenge or whatever it can be called.
I went to work yesterday and came home at lunch to get a call from my hubby's Sgt. (remember hubby is active duty). Hubby was at mental health for some disturbing comments he made.
It seems he has been thinking of killing himself for the past few months. He doesn't want to but he keeps getting thoughts of how to do it. He even had one during his weapon training this week. OMG.....is this really happening?
Well he is going to counseling now and they have pulled him to desk duty. I don't know what to make of all of it.
In counseling he said that the fear of me dying from cancer has been weighing on him....that he loves me too much. He is consumed with what is going to happen to me. He then went on to say he isn't satisified with our sex life and that he was looking forward to the deployment to get out of the situation and forget about it. He then apparently made a huge thing that he is consumed with not having kids. We are trying but if this does turn out to be cancer then the treatment may cause me to not be able to have children.
Ok.....I am f*cking stunned. I just sat there numb. I still am actually. I feel some resentment and hate that he didn't tell me any of this. That he told his first shirt over me. That I have been living with a stranger. I have different thoughts passing and I feel sad because each of his reasons for being upset and stressed have been over me.
Makes me feel awful but for some odd reason I am just accepting. I feel kinda broken....you know just like how does this bad luck keep hitting me. I drank to cope, to accept, to allow others to control me.
In a f*cked up way.....dude if wanna off yourself....well I can't stop you. I am feeling this way. I don't know but I have a hard time being sympathetic. Is this wrong of me? I mean.....I have noticed a trend in my life. I am alcoholic and I have tons of people around me and while they remind me of my problem.....I give in to what they and everyone wants. When I get sober.....I get strong and those around me ignore me....blah blah.
Sorry but I had to get this craziness off my chest. I am glad I am sober because if I weren't....who knows what state I would be in.
I am going for counseling guys so no worries but still.....I need something more. Maybe we should separate....you know. I mean....how can I trust him after this? Maybe he is faking it and I wake up to him offing himself.
The whole thing is insane but I just believe that the Lord gives us nothing we can't handle. Getting sober was the hardest thing and changing my ways.
Ok....just had to write this out.
Thanks if you read this thing.....I know its long.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
(((KIM))) I am really sorry you are having to go through all this. I mean its a lot for anyone, much less a sober anyone. I would suggest breaking it down into a list of - "Things I can personally do something about?" and "Things I need to turn over to God or the Higher Power I know and trust."
I "think" you will find most of those situations will end up in the "turn it over" list. I understand why you're overwhelmed, but maybe this will help. Saying some strong prayers for you today my friend.
I "think" you will find most of those situations will end up in the "turn it over" list. I understand why you're overwhelmed, but maybe this will help. Saying some strong prayers for you today my friend.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Oh and his reasoning for wanting to be deployed and for not being satisified with our sex life is that he needs to distance himself. I was there with him in mental health and he said that if something happens to me then he has to be prepared so he has been turning me off. Safeguarding himself.
No one said I was dead but apparently he thinks the worse. He told the counselor that his dad taught him.....real men don't cry or show feelings which is why he didn't say anything until the thoughts became several times a day.
His mom suffers from depression and also hasn't sought treatment. Last year we went back home on leave because she "accidentally" took too many pills. Ummm....no.....she left the house with all of her prescriptions and parked in the woods and was found several hours later unconscious. I don't think that was any accident.
Just wanted to add on the rest for you guys.
No one said I was dead but apparently he thinks the worse. He told the counselor that his dad taught him.....real men don't cry or show feelings which is why he didn't say anything until the thoughts became several times a day.
His mom suffers from depression and also hasn't sought treatment. Last year we went back home on leave because she "accidentally" took too many pills. Ummm....no.....she left the house with all of her prescriptions and parked in the woods and was found several hours later unconscious. I don't think that was any accident.
Just wanted to add on the rest for you guys.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
Depression untreated is just as deadly, in my opinion, as alcoholism. People far underestimate it in my book. Remember Kim - there are some things you can change and some things you have to turn over, but vent on. That is a great help too. I feel for you.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Kmbr - so sorry to hear about all this happening to you right now. I would be numb, too. Kinda strange that your hubby is "preparing" himself for you to die and you don't even know if it's cancer yet. Anyway, I'm glad both of you are getting counseling to help get through this.
I'm feeling a little feisty these days, too. I'm finally starting to take care of myself, instead of wimping out and drinking in my bedroom. I have to put my sobriety first if I'm going to handle anything at all, so I have to be somewhat detached. It feels selfish but that's probably because I went along with everything/everyone before. Finally, I'm putting me in the equation again.
I'll be thinking about you.
I'm feeling a little feisty these days, too. I'm finally starting to take care of myself, instead of wimping out and drinking in my bedroom. I have to put my sobriety first if I'm going to handle anything at all, so I have to be somewhat detached. It feels selfish but that's probably because I went along with everything/everyone before. Finally, I'm putting me in the equation again.
I'll be thinking about you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
I'm sorry Kim - this is a heck of a lot for anyone to handle, but I glad you came here to us.
You're showing a lot of strength
I like Sarah's idea - do what you can and leave the rest up to God.
I'm glad that your husband is getting help, and I'm continuing to pray for you and your results.
D
You're showing a lot of strength
I like Sarah's idea - do what you can and leave the rest up to God.
I'm glad that your husband is getting help, and I'm continuing to pray for you and your results.
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,502
Kim,
I am so glad that you and your husband are both getting counselling.
Sobriety does seem to bring up issues that had previously been hidden. It's almost as if the Universe is saying 'Well, now you're finally ready to deal with this". And, it's not easy.
Please keep us updated with your mammogram and test results.
I am so glad that you and your husband are both getting counselling.
Sobriety does seem to bring up issues that had previously been hidden. It's almost as if the Universe is saying 'Well, now you're finally ready to deal with this". And, it's not easy.
Please keep us updated with your mammogram and test results.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Thank you all so much. Your encouraging words means a lot to me. I know for some people it may be hard to understand why I post the most personal of things on SR but it has been SR that has seen me through some dark hours. With all of you.....I have been able to find courage and strength to take on sobriety.
Quickie update....hubby and I went to a small bbq at his boss' house which was nice. He had a few nice german beers and at one point asked if I wanted a sip. I said no....I'm good.
It may also be a hard realization for him too that I actually can not drink. We can say till we are blue in the face we are alcoholic but abstinence speaks volumes. It may be setting in that his wife really isn't going to drink.
I love him to death and he knows my deal but it sometimes people subconsciously think that people can fix their addiction and moderate.
I am not one of those cases.....if any of them really do turn out to be happy endings anyway.
Thanks all for being here for me. Huggs
Quickie update....hubby and I went to a small bbq at his boss' house which was nice. He had a few nice german beers and at one point asked if I wanted a sip. I said no....I'm good.
It may also be a hard realization for him too that I actually can not drink. We can say till we are blue in the face we are alcoholic but abstinence speaks volumes. It may be setting in that his wife really isn't going to drink.
I love him to death and he knows my deal but it sometimes people subconsciously think that people can fix their addiction and moderate.
I am not one of those cases.....if any of them really do turn out to be happy endings anyway.
Thanks all for being here for me. Huggs
Living on a prayer
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: NC
Posts: 234
Kmber, I just wanted to give (((((hugs))))) for all you're going through and say thank you for posting. You're being very strong through all you're dealing with and that's admirable. Hang in there, and know that we're here for you to vent or talk anytime.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Wasn't this the reason you drank, because you were hanging off him to stay sober? When he went away you drank? Is that right? Thats quite a switch??!
Good luck with the tests, hope that at least goes well:-)
Good luck with the tests, hope that at least goes well:-)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Redefining Happy
Posts: 2,085
Sending good thoughts and a big hug your way, Kim. I don't have any advice, but it sure seems to me like you have your priorities straight. Glad you are putting yourself and your sobriety first. I agree with Sarah about keeping track of what you can do vs. what you have to offer up to your HP to do.
So glad you are sober!!! You have changed SO much in 36 days, it really is inspiring.
So glad you are sober!!! You have changed SO much in 36 days, it really is inspiring.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 645
Kim,
Hang in there. You are doing the right thing by staying sober and going to counseling. It comes down to the serenity prayer -- what can you change and what can you not. If you do something about the things you can change, the other things will work themselves out in time. Hang in there.
SusanLauren
Hang in there. You are doing the right thing by staying sober and going to counseling. It comes down to the serenity prayer -- what can you change and what can you not. If you do something about the things you can change, the other things will work themselves out in time. Hang in there.
SusanLauren
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Cheshire, N.W England
Posts: 6,803
Hi kmbr
I've been thinking about you lots today. Dont really know what to say but I'll have a try. I think you are a really strong lady. I thing perhaps you need to focus on yourself and your health, put yourself first. My best thoughts are with you. xxxx
I've been thinking about you lots today. Dont really know what to say but I'll have a try. I think you are a really strong lady. I thing perhaps you need to focus on yourself and your health, put yourself first. My best thoughts are with you. xxxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Thank you all for the support. I would name you each but there is so much kindness so again a huge THANKS!!!
Well I don't have any solution per se. Opened up to my director at work about my health today so I am good with my job and have whatever time off I need to get things done. Took a few days off to focus on appts and what the heck is going on with the test results. My director made me feel so good when she praised my work with the kids and how great I was and my position is there and they will do whatever they can to work with me. Huge weight lifted there.
I am listening to Celine Dion's "Alive" and that is how I feel. I don't know what will happen with my hubby, what will happen to us......I know I love him beyond anything and I hope my recovery will somehow help him with his own depression/worries. That maybe he can get through this and just to remind him that I am here, I am not running away from him. Hell, I am alcoholic......I can handle quite a bit!!! No judging here....only tons of support for him.
I do agree that it is funny how he has been my rock and when he was gone I turned back to booze. Getting sober from that has been the best thing for me. I got sober for me, by me and took control of my life. I didn't have someone holding me through the withdrawals. I dumped out all booze and pills and said I am done.
I am stronger in my sobriety then I could've imagined. I have no thoughts of drinking.....as I have said many times....I hate alcohol. I have risen and I am making the best of every day.
Huggs everybody and I keep taking life as it comes and going at it one day at a time
Well I don't have any solution per se. Opened up to my director at work about my health today so I am good with my job and have whatever time off I need to get things done. Took a few days off to focus on appts and what the heck is going on with the test results. My director made me feel so good when she praised my work with the kids and how great I was and my position is there and they will do whatever they can to work with me. Huge weight lifted there.
I am listening to Celine Dion's "Alive" and that is how I feel. I don't know what will happen with my hubby, what will happen to us......I know I love him beyond anything and I hope my recovery will somehow help him with his own depression/worries. That maybe he can get through this and just to remind him that I am here, I am not running away from him. Hell, I am alcoholic......I can handle quite a bit!!! No judging here....only tons of support for him.
I do agree that it is funny how he has been my rock and when he was gone I turned back to booze. Getting sober from that has been the best thing for me. I got sober for me, by me and took control of my life. I didn't have someone holding me through the withdrawals. I dumped out all booze and pills and said I am done.
I am stronger in my sobriety then I could've imagined. I have no thoughts of drinking.....as I have said many times....I hate alcohol. I have risen and I am making the best of every day.
Huggs everybody and I keep taking life as it comes and going at it one day at a time
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Update -
Well, hubby is doing a bit better. He had a rough time this weekend since he was assigned to desk duty (which is the right thing for the military to do) and had his first one on one counseling session....yippeeee.
He seems to be more accepting of what is going on and is focusing with his counseling to be more optimistic and to work on creating new outlets for stress. Stress management is a big thing for him and he has been pretty burned out of Germany. He can't do anything he loves here such as fishing, hunting, off roading, etc. It is too much to detail why but the cost for Americans to do these things is too much and things are quite limited.
i have been as supportive as can be in trying to help him loosen up a bit and enjoy each day here instead of anticipating the worst. While maybe he can't do the things he did in the states....there is so much to do here and why not seize the opportunity.
He is learning to be more open about this feelings which is huge. He is seems more positive about my situation.
On that note....I finally bitched and demanded answers and have an appt with gen. surgery this week to finally go over the MRI results and next steps.
Just wanted to give an update Huggs to all.
Well, hubby is doing a bit better. He had a rough time this weekend since he was assigned to desk duty (which is the right thing for the military to do) and had his first one on one counseling session....yippeeee.
He seems to be more accepting of what is going on and is focusing with his counseling to be more optimistic and to work on creating new outlets for stress. Stress management is a big thing for him and he has been pretty burned out of Germany. He can't do anything he loves here such as fishing, hunting, off roading, etc. It is too much to detail why but the cost for Americans to do these things is too much and things are quite limited.
i have been as supportive as can be in trying to help him loosen up a bit and enjoy each day here instead of anticipating the worst. While maybe he can't do the things he did in the states....there is so much to do here and why not seize the opportunity.
He is learning to be more open about this feelings which is huge. He is seems more positive about my situation.
On that note....I finally bitched and demanded answers and have an appt with gen. surgery this week to finally go over the MRI results and next steps.
Just wanted to give an update
Huggs to all.
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