Fear of relapse.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 174
Fear of relapse.
I'd just like to start by saying that I'm a recovering alcoholic of over 5 weeks at the moment. I'm in a really good place at the moment, I haven't known such clarity since before I began drinking a long time ago, and I'm feeling great every day, I'm being a better boyfriend to my beautiful girlfriend, a better friend to my friends, and a much better son and brother to my family.
I couldn't ever imagine ever drinking again right now. The thought of even one drink just turns my stomach because I know of everything that comes with this one drink. I've had many failed attempts of a week or two in the last 2-3 years but I've never ever ever felt like I do now in my desire to never touch a drink ever again.
My problem is I have a creeping fear of relapse. It's like a brief thought in the back of my head. I'd liken it to a fear of being randomly hit by a car. I know that if I relapse this time, with the amounts I drink and the arrests/hospital visits/heartbreak that comes with it that there's an extremely high chance that I won't make it out alive - which is a pretty horrific thought for a 25 year old. It's not exactly taking over my life, but it just slips into my head some times, mainly when I'm thinking of some of the idiotic stuff I've done in the last few years.
I'm just wondering are these fears natural? I know that for the rest of my life this devil inside me will always exist in some manner. If I don't feed him I won't have to listen to him, but I will always know he's there, waiting to strike again if I ever slip. Slipping for me just isn't an option though. I don't even think about drinking except to think about this massive fear of relapse.
Anyway I'm rambling a bit but I'd just like to hear from some of you with experience of this.
Thanks all and have a wonderful love-filled day
I couldn't ever imagine ever drinking again right now. The thought of even one drink just turns my stomach because I know of everything that comes with this one drink. I've had many failed attempts of a week or two in the last 2-3 years but I've never ever ever felt like I do now in my desire to never touch a drink ever again.
My problem is I have a creeping fear of relapse. It's like a brief thought in the back of my head. I'd liken it to a fear of being randomly hit by a car. I know that if I relapse this time, with the amounts I drink and the arrests/hospital visits/heartbreak that comes with it that there's an extremely high chance that I won't make it out alive - which is a pretty horrific thought for a 25 year old. It's not exactly taking over my life, but it just slips into my head some times, mainly when I'm thinking of some of the idiotic stuff I've done in the last few years.
I'm just wondering are these fears natural? I know that for the rest of my life this devil inside me will always exist in some manner. If I don't feed him I won't have to listen to him, but I will always know he's there, waiting to strike again if I ever slip. Slipping for me just isn't an option though. I don't even think about drinking except to think about this massive fear of relapse.
Anyway I'm rambling a bit but I'd just like to hear from some of you with experience of this.
Thanks all and have a wonderful love-filled day
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
It DOES get better and the fear of relapse will get less as you get more sober time under your belt. I think it's a healthy fear, in a way, cause it's keeping you sober right now just from being afraid of drinking. I'm coming up on six months and am no longer afraid of relapsing as I feel so confident and comfortable in my sober lifestyle. I think your feelings are normal and will go away with time.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: New Hampshire, USA
Posts: 224
I'm at two weeks, and i have the same sudden feelings: it's as if I suddenly decide to drink, then immediately talk myself out of it. Hopefully this will fade as time goes on, but I am doing fine with the ODAAT thing so far.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
"Recovery" needs to be a process of growth. Don't get comfortable and sit still too long. I found AA and working the steps was what I needed to do to make sure I was always in action and moving forward. Sometimes I like being a slacker and if I slacked in my recovery (like I probably would, left to my own devices) I knew I'd end up drunk again.
Like you guys said, the THOUGHT of drinking again freaked me out badly enough that I started doing something different (meetings, steps, sponsor, accountability, connection with a higher power, etc etc etc) and that made all the difference in the world.
Like you guys said, the THOUGHT of drinking again freaked me out badly enough that I started doing something different (meetings, steps, sponsor, accountability, connection with a higher power, etc etc etc) and that made all the difference in the world.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Ronan, I have had that too. For some reason I thought I needed to worry about myself when 6 months hit, and it started a little before 5 months. I just passed that mark and it's OK. I wouldn't say it is "pointless" thinking, but what I have done is remind myself that I had what it takes to get through one day over and over again, and I am not going to judge myself as untrustworthy every time a thought or worry creeps in. Maybe that is what you should do.
Recognizing the thoughts is an important thing to me. I ask myself if I am worried or grouchy or lonely or what have you, and then break the thought down. I never used to grasp what living for today meant. Well, if you look back in the past, sometimes you see yourself as stronger then - is that true? Well, maybe you were also miserable then but the drinking was an unreliable disguise for it. That's the train of thought that goes through my mind when I have these sudden bursts of nostalgia out of nowhere for when I was 25, 30 and 35, blah blah.
Just keep getting used to how you are now and don't accept the thought/worry that the wind blew in.
Recognizing the thoughts is an important thing to me. I ask myself if I am worried or grouchy or lonely or what have you, and then break the thought down. I never used to grasp what living for today meant. Well, if you look back in the past, sometimes you see yourself as stronger then - is that true? Well, maybe you were also miserable then but the drinking was an unreliable disguise for it. That's the train of thought that goes through my mind when I have these sudden bursts of nostalgia out of nowhere for when I was 25, 30 and 35, blah blah.
Just keep getting used to how you are now and don't accept the thought/worry that the wind blew in.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Hey Ronan
Firstly ignore the advice about medication...back to your post...
When i went to AA i knew i couldn't stop drinking by myself, i don't want to underplay that because it took years for me to accept that...i had accepted that any attempt to stop drinking was futile so had crossed that line where i had accepted that this was my lot and to make decisions based on that...
There were various attempts at giving up over the years, some would go for a few months and i would be watching beer commercials and comment to people wow i feel nothing and be happy...others i would have a fear of relapse and would avoid all places and things that may put me in a situation where i might drink...
I would also take solace in the fact that i was a better person to everyone else and would even compare myself to other people and found myself asking things like im doing ok now aren't i to my closest and they would affirm that i was...because i didnt have a clue whether i was or not...i didnt know myself at all!
When i got a sponsor in AA and starting working the steps i didn't believe they would fix me, i simply had no choice other than trust someone or die...it was that real, as in real life not one of my melodramatic moments, i was ****** lol (that word is so appropriate there!).
Getting to see myself for who i am and clearing the wreckage of the past gave me half a chance to stay sober and enjoy life...a spriritual awakening occured, believe me i am not the sort of guy that would say that unless it had happened, that sort of religious and crazy talk drove me nuts...but it happened?!
So i changed and thats recovery...getting recovered...i know its one day at a time etcetc but fundamentally i've changed, there is no doubt...i didn't choose what to change or how to change it so much as follow instructions and it happened?! Don't care how too much!
The guy i was before AA and the guy in the dry spells is not the guy typing this now...thats what you want, thats what you need...as has been said before AA doesnt have the monolpoly on this but what it does have is a set of instructions and people that will show you how...
I didn't want to go AA, which is why i left it so long and tried everything else...i would advise anyone to go because it saved me, i dont have experience of anything else that can provoke such a drastic change in a person...if you find another way then thats great too...but if you are anything like me you wont last long unless you are really sober as in go anywhere and do anything with anyone and thats not a threat to your sobriety...avoidance and fear i wasnt willing to live with for long...
Thats what happened for me anyway:-)
Firstly ignore the advice about medication...back to your post...
When i went to AA i knew i couldn't stop drinking by myself, i don't want to underplay that because it took years for me to accept that...i had accepted that any attempt to stop drinking was futile so had crossed that line where i had accepted that this was my lot and to make decisions based on that...
There were various attempts at giving up over the years, some would go for a few months and i would be watching beer commercials and comment to people wow i feel nothing and be happy...others i would have a fear of relapse and would avoid all places and things that may put me in a situation where i might drink...
I would also take solace in the fact that i was a better person to everyone else and would even compare myself to other people and found myself asking things like im doing ok now aren't i to my closest and they would affirm that i was...because i didnt have a clue whether i was or not...i didnt know myself at all!
When i got a sponsor in AA and starting working the steps i didn't believe they would fix me, i simply had no choice other than trust someone or die...it was that real, as in real life not one of my melodramatic moments, i was ****** lol (that word is so appropriate there!).
Getting to see myself for who i am and clearing the wreckage of the past gave me half a chance to stay sober and enjoy life...a spriritual awakening occured, believe me i am not the sort of guy that would say that unless it had happened, that sort of religious and crazy talk drove me nuts...but it happened?!
So i changed and thats recovery...getting recovered...i know its one day at a time etcetc but fundamentally i've changed, there is no doubt...i didn't choose what to change or how to change it so much as follow instructions and it happened?! Don't care how too much!
The guy i was before AA and the guy in the dry spells is not the guy typing this now...thats what you want, thats what you need...as has been said before AA doesnt have the monolpoly on this but what it does have is a set of instructions and people that will show you how...
I didn't want to go AA, which is why i left it so long and tried everything else...i would advise anyone to go because it saved me, i dont have experience of anything else that can provoke such a drastic change in a person...if you find another way then thats great too...but if you are anything like me you wont last long unless you are really sober as in go anywhere and do anything with anyone and thats not a threat to your sobriety...avoidance and fear i wasnt willing to live with for long...
Thats what happened for me anyway:-)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
JSM, are you going to recommend those 2 drugs - Campral and Vivitrol - every time you post?
I'm not used to seeing people coming into the site and putting forth drug recommendations within their first coupla posts.
I'm not used to seeing people coming into the site and putting forth drug recommendations within their first coupla posts.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 34
one recurrent theme I keep reading on this site is fear of talking to your doctor. Primary Care Doctors spend all day turining away patients who are seeking medications to either fuel their addictions or sell on the streets. They LOVE it when patients come to them for help instead of the opposite. I am recommending that people who have been sober and fear relapse speak to their MD about alternatives to sitting around in fear. Alcoholism is a disease with medications available to help. We dont tell diabetics to use diet alone and wish their blood sugars down. I don't believe medications are the cure all but they CAN help.
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
Hi there
I think the place you are at sounds great and fear of relapse is totally normal and eventually goes away as truly does the desire to drink. Are you working a programme of any sort? If yes then I'd say make sure you're keeping up with it - if it's AA then keeping up with meetings, sponsor, stepwork, service, higher power contact and prayer - and you will be absolutely FINE!
Keep up the great work!!!
Cathy31
x
I think the place you are at sounds great and fear of relapse is totally normal and eventually goes away as truly does the desire to drink. Are you working a programme of any sort? If yes then I'd say make sure you're keeping up with it - if it's AA then keeping up with meetings, sponsor, stepwork, service, higher power contact and prayer - and you will be absolutely FINE!
Keep up the great work!!!
Cathy31
x
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: finding a home
Posts: 109
Ronan, your post is so, but so me....I feel the same way....I also have a fear of relapse. I'm trying to follow the PAW law. Post Acute Withdrawl...And so far it's working for me.....As well as reading the Bible for the first time.......I also hope the craving will go away.....But yes, everyday I feel better sober. It's wonderful to wake up not hung over and having to cure myself with another drink.......Take care...
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
You're doing great!
Five weeks sober is really good, but it's still relatively early in sobriety. It takes time for your mind, body and spirit to adjust to the change and I expect that you will be more comfortable with sobriety as time goes by.
Five weeks sober is really good, but it's still relatively early in sobriety. It takes time for your mind, body and spirit to adjust to the change and I expect that you will be more comfortable with sobriety as time goes by.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Originally Posted by jsm 
one recurrent theme I keep reading on this site is fear of talking to your doctor. Primary Care Doctors spend all day turining away patients who are seeking medications to either fuel their addictions or sell on the streets. They LOVE it when patients come to them for help instead of the opposite. I am recommending that people who have been sober and fear relapse speak to their MD about alternatives to sitting around in fear. Alcoholism is a disease with medications available to help. We dont tell diabetics to use diet alone and wish their blood sugars down. I don't believe medications are the cure all but they CAN help.
FYI I was given Campral when i stopped, it is to dampen the withdrawls and stop the withdrawls causing problems for the initial week or so, e.g. fitting...it was not prescribed as part of a detox for me though...i didnt take it because i read on the inetrnet that it was highly addictive...it was left as my decision by doc...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 174
Thanks for the replies guys.
I'd just like to add that I'm actually going to AA every second day and working my way (quite slowly I will admit - but I want to take my time) through the steps. I was one of those quitters who thought "Wow recovery will be easy, all I have to do is not drink" before, and you're totally right in saying that it doesn't work. It was only when I began to open my mind and realise that the world is a lot bigger than me that I could really grasp the acceptance that I was a full on alcoholic and my life had become unmanageable - I needed help, big time.
AA is literally a home away from home for me at the moment. I absolutely love it. Like you said Yeahgr8, I too had no other choice. My options were doing something proactive or die.
I've been making a lot of changes in my life, because I simply have to leave my old life behind. As an atheist I really closed my mind off to everything else. I would only read atheist literature and pass everything else off as 'wrong'. I guess it's to do with the one track, black and white alcoholic mind I had. I've began opening my mind and becoming more spiritual too. Opening my mind was a big step for me.
I feel like a kid again. I don't know anything about anything, and I'm happy with that. I guess that's where the fear of relapse comes from. But it's time to learn about life and about myself. Something I could never do with a bottle of whiskey beside my bed.
Thanks again all
I'd just like to add that I'm actually going to AA every second day and working my way (quite slowly I will admit - but I want to take my time) through the steps. I was one of those quitters who thought "Wow recovery will be easy, all I have to do is not drink" before, and you're totally right in saying that it doesn't work. It was only when I began to open my mind and realise that the world is a lot bigger than me that I could really grasp the acceptance that I was a full on alcoholic and my life had become unmanageable - I needed help, big time.
AA is literally a home away from home for me at the moment. I absolutely love it. Like you said Yeahgr8, I too had no other choice. My options were doing something proactive or die.
I've been making a lot of changes in my life, because I simply have to leave my old life behind. As an atheist I really closed my mind off to everything else. I would only read atheist literature and pass everything else off as 'wrong'. I guess it's to do with the one track, black and white alcoholic mind I had. I've began opening my mind and becoming more spiritual too. Opening my mind was a big step for me.
I feel like a kid again. I don't know anything about anything, and I'm happy with that. I guess that's where the fear of relapse comes from. But it's time to learn about life and about myself. Something I could never do with a bottle of whiskey beside my bed.
Thanks again all
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 246
I'd be more afraid if you weren't concerned about a relapse. My problem after being sober for a year is that I forget the anger, fear, and physical and emotional pain alcohol brings. That's the power of AA and to a lesser extent, SR: It helps us share and remember how devastating this substance is for us. That said, Ronan, there's healthy fear of relapse, then there's getting neurotic about it. It sounds to me like you know yourself very well and are doing everything right with sobriety. Keep attending AA and sharing these concerns with people way smarter than me.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Ronan -Congrats on over 5 week's sobriety! That's fantastic. It's great to see someone really grateful for their sobriety, too.
I'm relatively new and I'm scared, too. I'm scared of relapse, but even more scared of when I'm not scared anymore (like Freeport said)! So I guess I'll just try to use it all for positive motivation.....?
I remember just a couple weeks ago when I was probably on day 2 and had to drive to the store to get something. On the way home, I looked up and saw this big billboard with a Bud Lite advertisement. Suddenly I felt disoriented and terrified - if it were a movie, there would have been horror music playing at that point. I have settled down quite a bit since then, but I still think about drinking/sobriety a good part of the day with some anxiety.
Better than where we were though....
Thanks for the thread!
I'm relatively new and I'm scared, too. I'm scared of relapse, but even more scared of when I'm not scared anymore (like Freeport said)! So I guess I'll just try to use it all for positive motivation.....?
I remember just a couple weeks ago when I was probably on day 2 and had to drive to the store to get something. On the way home, I looked up and saw this big billboard with a Bud Lite advertisement. Suddenly I felt disoriented and terrified - if it were a movie, there would have been horror music playing at that point. I have settled down quite a bit since then, but I still think about drinking/sobriety a good part of the day with some anxiety.
Better than where we were though....
Thanks for the thread!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
Congratulations on 5 weeks sober. I think fear of relapse can be a positive thing, the fear lessens over time but we need to continue to be aware of that possiblity because whether you have 5 weeks or 5 years sober we are just 1 sip away from a relapse.
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Alright mate. 5 weeks is great. But it's still early man! It's only natural to feel warey of a relapse. That is a good thing I feel, as it shows that you totally appreciate and realise the severity of that first drink.
I remember after a few months when I had a real bad week of anxiety where I was really fearing relapse. I was pulled outside by a bloke at my Local AA meeting as he could tell that I was particularly anxious. He gave me a good talking to and I got through it. I did what I had to do.
As long as your recovery takes you to a stage where you are fundamentally a completely different person to what you were before then you should be fine. I have changed immeasurably over the past 10 months. Re-birth sounds a little cliche and cheesy but it's how I feel. It is only once the fears and anxiety's begin to settle down that you gain the clarity to begin to really appreciate how much you've actually changed as a person.
You are doing well mate, keep it up. I am indifferent about drink and drugs now. But I have a healthy respect. I know what the score is.
The reason that recovery from alcoholism is a daily reprive is that each day I have to remind myself by working my recovery; where I came from, what I have to do to maintain my sobriety and what will happen if I ever did take that first drink again. SR/AA is great for this.
Keep The Faith
I remember after a few months when I had a real bad week of anxiety where I was really fearing relapse. I was pulled outside by a bloke at my Local AA meeting as he could tell that I was particularly anxious. He gave me a good talking to and I got through it. I did what I had to do.
As long as your recovery takes you to a stage where you are fundamentally a completely different person to what you were before then you should be fine. I have changed immeasurably over the past 10 months. Re-birth sounds a little cliche and cheesy but it's how I feel. It is only once the fears and anxiety's begin to settle down that you gain the clarity to begin to really appreciate how much you've actually changed as a person.
You are doing well mate, keep it up. I am indifferent about drink and drugs now. But I have a healthy respect. I know what the score is.
The reason that recovery from alcoholism is a daily reprive is that each day I have to remind myself by working my recovery; where I came from, what I have to do to maintain my sobriety and what will happen if I ever did take that first drink again. SR/AA is great for this.
Keep The Faith
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
Congratulations on your sobriety!
I don't think a good healthy dose of 'Fear of Relapse' is a bad thing. Especially in the early days.....knowing it can happen is huge. I think it has to do with not taking your sobriety for granted.
Like others have said, doing things to make sure that relapse doesn't happen is key. Personally, I use SR. This place lets me know how far I've come...and how far down a relapse will send me.
Glad you are here!
I don't think a good healthy dose of 'Fear of Relapse' is a bad thing. Especially in the early days.....knowing it can happen is huge. I think it has to do with not taking your sobriety for granted.
Like others have said, doing things to make sure that relapse doesn't happen is key. Personally, I use SR. This place lets me know how far I've come...and how far down a relapse will send me.
Glad you are here!
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