Margareth

Just my two pennies worth. I had to cut ties with a friend last year whom we had taken in after he had a major relapse. His DOC was I'm afraid heroin, something that I have never been involved in except one time when I was 17 and that was a long, long time ago (thank god) because his troubles drained both me and my husband to the point of total collapse and it was heart breaking but we had to set a limit to what we were able to do to help someone.

I have come to the conclusion that if someone keeps relapsing and is unable to stay clean no matter how lovely they are when sober in order to protect yourself it is OK to walk away from them if they are a drain on your energy and life force. They are not your responsibility.

Having said that, if somebody is unable to stay clean but is in some ways happy (I have been for a long time) with that and does not take from others emotionally (Husband and I were really happy and relatively moderate drunks for a long time, being able to function socially and being able to have good and successful relationships with our mostly non drinking friends and hold jobs) I can honestly say "Relapse away, it's your life after all."

My day of reckoning evolved over only the last one and a half years because I felt that my drinking was spiralling wildly out of control after a year of hell and I felt that after we had been helped in that matter by our non drinking friends and family and colleagues that continued drinking was only going to destroy those relationships and we needed them more than booze. We relapsed about four or five times very privately and bewildering and scary it was and every time it just got worse. So we made a choice and here I am.

I can't predict the future and maybe I will fall of the wagon again and if the happens I will not stay away because I know in my heart I'm on the right track.

Thanks for reminding me. It really does a great job in relieving the cravings even though it tastes foul (I'm actually going to grow it in my perma culture food forest. Also Thiamine helps me.

DayTrader

That's not the inference I was trying to make. Again, we can only talk from experience and mine was all the loving "you can do it's" in the world only prolonged my suffering. Ya see, I COULDN'T do it the way I was trying.... even though I thought I could and had everyone in my life convinced I could. It wasn't until I got kicked hard in the butt that I finally started snapping out of enough of my denial to start making some changes.

As Robby said, "tough love" applied inappropriately can be damaging but so can "cheerleading" the wrong person. Both have the potential to kill. If I see that one approach is having no effect, more of it will likely bring more of the same poor results. There are many roads to recovery, obviously, some less "fun" or "enjoyable" than others.

Dee74

With the greatest respect Mike - don't you think you prolonged your suffering, rather than all the loving you can do its?

I don't believe words, mine or anyone elses, have power enough to kill anyone... I can believe we can sometimes have a part in driving people off from here or discourage them, or enable them, sure....but the buck always stopped with me. I see that now very clearly.

That's why I try simply to share my experience and let it fall where it may - occasionally, as I said, the tone varies according to various factors - and this thread has made me think about that too.

In the end, what matters to me is, sometimes, we're very lucky to have been put in the right spot to say the right thing at the right time - and whatever it is we say then makes a difference for the good.

It's those times that keep me coming back.
D

DayTrader

Sure, I was the one at fault. Of course. My problems were and are allllllllll mine (heh, still don't like to say that).

My point, poorly made perhaps, was that there are many forms of encouragement and not necessarily all of them HAVE to be positive to work. I wouldn't say "I got into recovery because I was oh-so-close to death" is necessarily a fun way into the doors of recovery but it's the only way some of us are going to get it.

I'll give you the "power to kill" was over the top....... but I stand behind my rationale: You can encourage me all you want, I will never be able to walk on water. If I can't swim, encouraging me to keep on trying will likely [edit] result in me dying.

lillyrose

I think it all has a lot to do with what frame of mind your in and the circumstances as well. It is so so hard to express empathy or consideration or anything similar or opposite from words in an email. And most of the time that person who is giving tough love, it also feeling empathy, but you can't see that through your computer screen. I am so new to sobriety it's ridiculous. But I still have ideas and thoughts and mechanisms I've used to travel the short distance in this journey that I have. If someone who has relapsed and already has the will to try again, I agree some tough love posts can be hard to read, but I think the key is, just take the advice you feel helps you, and take the rest with a grain of salt. Good post and great topic stayinfree

Bamboozle

And that's cool for you. All I'm saying is don't bash my way.

DayTrader

I wouldn't want to. I just think it's negligent to ONLY use one way - especially with someone new to recovery that wants to stop but doesn't want to stop. That's all.