Day 4
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 10
Day 4
On my fourth sober day. Feel very tired with battling this, exhausted. Can't see how I'm going to make it to a week let alone a whole month. I've been taking aspirin sometimes to try, and numb the feelings, but im just substituting one drug for another so I have to find another way to face all this.
I remember thinking 'this is justa choice I can do whatever I want, alcohol is just some fun'. But I was in the shops today after work buying some bread. And I couldnt walk past the wine/beer section, I was to afraid to, because in the past, the urge to suddenly buy a whole case of beer comes out of nowhere, and I am drunk before I know what is happening. I wouldn't even let myself look at it and it was much harder than I ever thought it ever was. What is happening to me??
My job is being a bartender and making beers and cocktails, and this is going to sound strange, but even though I am thinking about drinking, I never consider drinking my stock as something I could do. Maybe its just self control but why has my self control let me down so so badly in the past? I know before that when I have bought alcohol my mind has been saying one thing but my legs are moving with a mind of its own, but at work its different..
When I am at work I can see people drinking just one beer before leaving. How do they do that? At this stage I couldn't do that at all. It just wouldn't be enough. But it feels so long ago, but I remember being happy with just ONE beer. And not having to have 4, 5, 6...
Even if I go sober for a month. What then? I will have to find something to fill up the time and all the empty spaces. Why did I become like this, it was because of my poor lifestyle. .If I try to improve the way I am living and what I am doing with my life then I will find less time to think about boozing.
I remember thinking 'this is justa choice I can do whatever I want, alcohol is just some fun'. But I was in the shops today after work buying some bread. And I couldnt walk past the wine/beer section, I was to afraid to, because in the past, the urge to suddenly buy a whole case of beer comes out of nowhere, and I am drunk before I know what is happening. I wouldn't even let myself look at it and it was much harder than I ever thought it ever was. What is happening to me??
My job is being a bartender and making beers and cocktails, and this is going to sound strange, but even though I am thinking about drinking, I never consider drinking my stock as something I could do. Maybe its just self control but why has my self control let me down so so badly in the past? I know before that when I have bought alcohol my mind has been saying one thing but my legs are moving with a mind of its own, but at work its different..
When I am at work I can see people drinking just one beer before leaving. How do they do that? At this stage I couldn't do that at all. It just wouldn't be enough. But it feels so long ago, but I remember being happy with just ONE beer. And not having to have 4, 5, 6...
Even if I go sober for a month. What then? I will have to find something to fill up the time and all the empty spaces. Why did I become like this, it was because of my poor lifestyle. .If I try to improve the way I am living and what I am doing with my life then I will find less time to think about boozing.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Well, 0sT, good for you for not taking from the stock and fo rbeing able to work in that environment! Lots of people would say they could not be around it.
It sounds like you are lamenting that you are different from people who can drink and go back to living. If you are posting about "Day 4," I gather you consider yourself an alcoholic. I don't drink anymore, but I used to stew about improving my lifestyle and my outlook and yet keep alcohol in my regular diet, and it wasn't working. I used to want that harmony for myself, that ability to have alcohol and be happy with everything else.
I don't think you should look down on yourself for being afraid to go near the alcohol in the store. See that as a coping mechanism for a while. Sometimes we feel scared when we see the signs of alcohol, like bottles or store logos. I have felt that way before and decided not to look at the store when driving by. I'm not sure whether that was because I was afraid of driving into the lot or just the preference not to look at something a little "horrifying," I guess. It was already a few months ago that I got rid of a ton of empties (by bringing them to the store) and I remember feeling satisfied with myself for braving the place and leaving without getting more. So I just stored that as a fond memory. You could do the same thing when it comes to the aisle with the bottles in it; that aisle is not for you and you can avoid it.
By being able to say you cannot have just one normal drink, you have what a lot of people don't yet. Same goes with stopping and living without it.
I found that I was exhausted somewhat after I quit too, and sometimes it goes in cycles. I assume that is part of the depression that some people get after they quit. I am dealing with the depression part still, but I don't know whether that is the post-alcohol thing or just the depression that would have been there anyway.
The recognition that I can't drink and that it is a reality like a lifelong disease is actually helpful to me; hard to explain why. I think it is because I am still here and can live without it, there is a satisfaction in that.
Hope you will keep going, many people feel more secure about it as they go. Don't be afraid to admit to changing your tune every week or two, ie, come out and say that you are going up and down in your spirits. Many people will also recommend you give AA or a group a try, or to keep posting here if that works to keep you on track.
It sounds like you are lamenting that you are different from people who can drink and go back to living. If you are posting about "Day 4," I gather you consider yourself an alcoholic. I don't drink anymore, but I used to stew about improving my lifestyle and my outlook and yet keep alcohol in my regular diet, and it wasn't working. I used to want that harmony for myself, that ability to have alcohol and be happy with everything else.
I don't think you should look down on yourself for being afraid to go near the alcohol in the store. See that as a coping mechanism for a while. Sometimes we feel scared when we see the signs of alcohol, like bottles or store logos. I have felt that way before and decided not to look at the store when driving by. I'm not sure whether that was because I was afraid of driving into the lot or just the preference not to look at something a little "horrifying," I guess. It was already a few months ago that I got rid of a ton of empties (by bringing them to the store) and I remember feeling satisfied with myself for braving the place and leaving without getting more. So I just stored that as a fond memory. You could do the same thing when it comes to the aisle with the bottles in it; that aisle is not for you and you can avoid it.
By being able to say you cannot have just one normal drink, you have what a lot of people don't yet. Same goes with stopping and living without it.
I found that I was exhausted somewhat after I quit too, and sometimes it goes in cycles. I assume that is part of the depression that some people get after they quit. I am dealing with the depression part still, but I don't know whether that is the post-alcohol thing or just the depression that would have been there anyway.
The recognition that I can't drink and that it is a reality like a lifelong disease is actually helpful to me; hard to explain why. I think it is because I am still here and can live without it, there is a satisfaction in that.
Hope you will keep going, many people feel more secure about it as they go. Don't be afraid to admit to changing your tune every week or two, ie, come out and say that you are going up and down in your spirits. Many people will also recommend you give AA or a group a try, or to keep posting here if that works to keep you on track.
Sobriety saved my life.
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Sonoma Valley, CA
Posts: 55
Hi Ost I to am feeling like you. I'm on day 5 and keep thinking of getting to a month, year and so on and have to keep taking it one day at a time. I tell myself, hey live for today because a month and a year from now I'll just be that much older.Think of the positive things that have come from quitting and I believe those positives will mutiply in strength the longer you are sober.
Just remember what Ozzy said: "Today Was Tomarrow Yesterday".
Flip
Just remember what Ozzy said: "Today Was Tomarrow Yesterday".
Flip
Recent T-totaller
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 120
I have worked as a chef and found that alcohol was very much a professional liability and the same for much of the bar staff. If like me you find that you are an alcoholic than you may have to consider a lifestyle change.
Working in the booze business is a bit like a dealer who is addicted to the stuff he sells and still wants to do it while trying to remain clean.
It is just my opinion but that's what it feels like for me.
Working in the booze business is a bit like a dealer who is addicted to the stuff he sells and still wants to do it while trying to remain clean.
It is just my opinion but that's what it feels like for me.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,781
I used to wonder what I'd do with myself if I wasn't drinking (all day, every day) but now that Im sober I find that I just do the same things I used to do, only enjoy them more sober and remember everything and don't feel like sh!t the next day.
Have you considered any type of 'program' to help you stay sober? There are many programs, the most well known and available is AA. Why don't you give it a good try? Go to several meetings until you find some you like. Everyone there understands how you feel cause they've all been thru the same thing.
Hang in there! Do'nt give up and start drinking again, it just makes it harder to quit - I know.
Welcome to SR! You'll find lots of support and good information here to help you get and stay sober.
) but now that Im sober I find that I just do the same things I used to do, only enjoy them more sober and remember everything and don't feel like sh!t the next day.Have you considered any type of 'program' to help you stay sober? There are many programs, the most well known and available is AA. Why don't you give it a good try? Go to several meetings until you find some you like. Everyone there understands how you feel cause they've all been thru the same thing.
Hang in there! Do'nt give up and start drinking again, it just makes it harder to quit - I know.
Welcome to SR! You'll find lots of support and good information here to help you get and stay sober.
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