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9 Days Short of 30, Testing My Sobriety, and Hope!

Old 05-14-2010, 10:10 PM
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9 Days Short of 30, Testing My Sobriety, and Hope!

Well I'm 9 days away from my first 30 days. Day 21 now and I thought I'd update how things are in my early sobriety.

First things first, I had a HUGE SUPER MASSIVE Test Of Doom the other day. When I was a drunk my wife bought us tickets to Deep Purple (w/ Steve Morse). Now for me, any concert night would end in a massive drunk. The usual way it would happen is... I'd have a few belts to get me going, get to the show wherein the need for more booze would take over. As always with me, at that point it's copious amounts of beer during the show, to stabilize my alcoholism I guess. And after every show it was pub/clubs where I would spend every cent I had getting as drunk as humanly possible. And then it was home, where I would pretend to sleep so my wife would fall out, sneak out to the den where my hidden stash of Vodka/JD would cause a blackout and the start of yet another lengthy visit to hell.

This time was different in so many ways. By the time we left for the show I was almost militant about not drinking. I went stone sober, and after the show I sent my wife to the pub with our friends but wouldn't go in. I left her there with an apology that I wasn't ready for that kind of action, and had the cab continue on, taking me home. Worst part for me was at the show when everyone started drinking, and my wife's cousin (former drinking buddy) buys me a beer. For a few seconds I had it in my hand and almost felt obligated to drink it, just because it was bought for me. How nuts is that? I didn't drink it though, instead handing it off to my wife discretely.

For the whole show I smelled the booze on everyone sitting around me and was literally disgusted with it. I swear when I was moving through the crowds before finding our seats I could have told you exactly what a person had drank before the show, just by smell alone. Also, in our seats I saw how the alcohol was affecting my friends and found it both sad and a bit ridiculous. Thought to myself "how could I ever appreciate a band when I was so off my face for their shows?" Then I thought about how much my own performances have suffered over the years from being 2 sheets to the wind every night I gigged. At that point I got extremely angry with myself, knowing that my craft - something I had worked extremely hard at for most of my developing years - had taken serious hits from that bloody drug.

Anyways, long story short... in the taxi on the drive home I made a decision to get a bottle and pound it back alone, because I was just angry, sad, a bit lonely, and also because I had a strange feeling of melancholy about not being able to hang out with my wife and friends. I think I was most angry about how alcohol had become the focal point of pretty much every social event in my life - and felt I was fighting a losing battle. I guess I was a bit overwhelmed by it all, so for a few minutes on the drive home I decided to give up/give in.

However, by the time I got out of the taxi I didn't get the bottle - which I believe must have been some form of divine intervention. Somehow I completely forgot about my decision to give in, walked right by the store with racks of booze, got to my house wherein I realized just how stupid getting a bottle would have been at that point. Once inside I fired up SR and read some posts which further steeled my resolve, ate some serious junk food, played a stupid a$$ facebook game for hours and in the end I stayed sober.

So that was my biggest test yet and I passed. Next morning I actually felt proud of myself.

At any rate, here it is Day 21 and for anyone out there with less days than me and scared as I was, I can tell you this: The cravings do get less ominous, and the thoughts that you'll never make it start to give way to thoughts that you may actually be capable. I never thought I'd say this but I can now actually picture a life of sobriety and I can see how much more interesting and fulfilling it would be. The fog dissipates more with each sober day, and when you have a clear head you WILL start to remember that you were fairly frikin cool WITHOUT a bloody drink in your hand. Most importantly, the one thing I had been lacking for almost 20 years is now back in my heart and soul. HOPE.
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Old 05-15-2010, 02:52 AM
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Balls of steel!! Having that beer in your hand and giving it away - that took some doing. Bit of divine intervention there too perhaps? I think you got away with that one but if I were you I wouldn't put myself in that position again for a long time (if ever!)

That's me though - well done to you for still being sober and letting us know!!

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Old 05-15-2010, 03:16 AM
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Amazing and great! I am so happy for you. And you give me hope for my own future!

Thanks on my Day 2,
LW
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Old 05-15-2010, 04:24 AM
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Thanks and way to go! People sharing experiences like this one definitely help me stay sober.
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Old 05-15-2010, 05:12 AM
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I also have a harder time around social situations, mainly on the weekends.

"The fog dissipates more with each sober day, and when you have a clear head you WILL start to remember that you were fairly frikin cool WITHOUT a bloody drink in your hand."

So true!!

Thanks for sharing, that's fantastic for you!!! Btw, I like Deep Purple too

R.
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Old 05-15-2010, 07:45 AM
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Binder your story MADE MY DAY!!!!! So proud of how you handled the night and how you were tempted but just kept going to your home and then got on SR. That is what I do!! Some people in my life who know about my sobriety....well....just keep on going and doing their boozing or regaling stories of hangovers....blah blah.

All the while....I am sober, feeling physically good and not giving in.

You inspire me my friend!!! Keep going
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Old 05-15-2010, 02:37 PM
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Originally Posted by binderdonedat View Post
The fog dissipates more with each sober day, and when you have a clear head you WILL start to remember that you were fairly frikin cool WITHOUT a bloody drink in your hand. Most importantly, the one thing I had been lacking for almost 20 years is now back in my heart and soul. HOPE.
Absolutely fabulous! Nicely done.
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Old 05-15-2010, 02:50 PM
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Last concert I went to I dont even remember.......wife had to take care of me and feed me so I would sober up.......damn shame it was my favorite band.....and the singer has the same battle as the rest of us..."this house is clean,this house is clean"......Hetfield

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Old 05-15-2010, 02:59 PM
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I'm glad you stayed true to yourself Binder
And you got to see DP!

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Old 05-15-2010, 03:04 PM
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Sweet... Rock On! I used to work for a rock radio station that served free booze & food at every show... great for an A lol. We always had the vip suites with all inclusive service for all of the concerts. Note the words "used to".

Still love my music though. Keep at it!

Cheers,

NB
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Old 05-15-2010, 11:01 PM
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Originally Posted by ChopperTS View Post
Balls of steel!! Having that beer in your hand and giving it away - that took some doing. Bit of divine intervention there too perhaps? I think you got away with that one but if I were you I wouldn't put myself in that position again for a long time (if ever!)

That's me though - well done to you for still being sober and letting us know!!

Actually yes I think you're right about the "divine" guidance stuff, for most of that night actually. I'm not much the religious type although always been very spiritual. By the time that night came and went I did things completely uncharacteristic to my normal "self", things I didn't expect nor prepare for.

For example, in the case of having that beer in my hands, it would have been so easy to tip it back but I just passed it off as if possessed. I swear it felt like someone stepped inside my body and took over for that critical few seconds. Sure I felt somewhat obligated to the person buying it so as not to cause an insult, but there was no physical craving to drink it, and handing it off at that moment felt more natural to me then downing it!!

Had that been a shot or 6 of JD I may not have been so impartial, and I'm sure that test will come before too long.

As far as not putting myself in that position again, hmmm... I'd like to think I don't have to but because I'm a musician/producer it's almost inevitable. This is one seriously booze soaked business. One thing is for sure though, I won't willingly do it again without at least 1 year of sobriety under my belt.
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Old 05-15-2010, 11:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Lazyboy View Post
Last concert I went to I dont even remember.......wife had to take care of me and feed me so I would sober up.......damn shame it was my favorite band.....and the singer has the same battle as the rest of us..."this house is clean,this house is clean"......Hetfield

Lazyboy
Haha!! Actually my last real concert before DP was Toto, and these guys are musical mentors to me since I was young. Funny, because since I'm close to the promoter here I had the chance after the show to hang out at a club with the band - all night. I got pi$$y drunk with Steve Lukather and Bobby Kimball. Managed to avoid making an idiot out of myself, but once I got home the secret Vodka stash got a lengthy visit and I woke up the next day with little memory of hanging out with my idols!! .
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