eastcoast04

My last drink was at 4am this morning and I only drank it to stop shaking. I was completely drunk for the past 3 weeks. If I was awake, I was drinking. I went to a meeting today and was withdrawing and noticeably shaking so badly I was afraid I would go into seizures right there. It has happened to me before and I definitely thought I was going to die. Withdraws are horrible and extremely dangerous and I know this because I constantly relapse. I get a couple months under my belt and start to feel great. Go to meetings every day, Have a sponsor, live in a house where nobody drinks and I keep relapsing. I don't get it. I know what to do but don't do it and I always end up in the same horrible place.

Along with withdraws, the grief, self hatred, depression and thoughts of suicide are worse than normal this time. As a matter of fact, I had it all planned out and was completely mentally ready to go through with it. I planned my last trip to see my family over the weekend. I started to write a note saying goodbye to all the people that I loved and as writing, I absolutely broke down crying knowing how much my plan would crush my family. It’s not fair to them but that doesn't make my pain go away. How unfair. They don’t understand alcoholism and depression even though I have tried to explain it.

I spent the entire day with my sponsor and he was really helpful and made sure that I was safe. The shame of walking back into my AA homegroup after another relapse was overwhelming but was greeted with smiles, hugs and “its going to be oks, we’re glad you’re here”. My question is, why do I keep relapsing when I really want sobriety. I know what is going to happen when I pick up a drink but for some reason, it keeps happening. I know that I need to stop! I will die! I’ve done rehab, I take pills for depression everyday, see a therapist, pray and started working the steps with my sponsor and then BAM, I am sitting in a bar taking shots before I realize it happened. No sign of a trigger that I can remember and not even a thought of picking up the phone and calling someone!

Any advice on what the hell is wrong with me?

Thanks and sorry for the long post, I have a lot on my mind today…

HumbleBee

Welcome, EastCoast -

I felt confused, angry, ashamed, and just plain physically and emotionally *sick* when I finally got it. Or rather, when I finally wanted to get it.

It seems it doesn't matter how much or for how long we go through the motions of a recovery program...we get sober when we've had enough - plain and simple.

I also went to AA and did the things I thought were necessary, but the reality was, I only wanted sobriety in my head, not in my heart.

The things I did before were all just according to protocol. I didn't want sobriety badly enough. It's not surprising that relapses continued to occur. And just going through the motions does not automatically bestow sobriety upon us.

Don't beat yourself up. You're certainly not alone. I'm so glad you came here. It seems to be a light evening for activity, but there are people from all different time zones here who'll chime in with their experiences.

I saw a counselor (trained in alcoholism, in recovery himself for a long time) who I credit for helping to learn how to live a full, contented life in recovery. It was one-on-one and he saved my life.

Stick around, post often, check out the other forums. You're in good company here.

Dee74

Hi eastcoast.

There's nothing wrong with you - nothing noone else here hasn't got - it's called alcoholism.

For whatever reasons it took me 15 years to get it.

I remember hundreds of occasions almost snapping back into my body and looking in surprise at the drink in my hand, or thinking I can only have one...and coming to days later after a bender....or promising myself all day I'd be 'good' - and running to the bottle shop before it closed.

I see you're in AA. I've never been myself, but I'd talk a lot with your sponsor and get their advice on what they think is going wrong.

I also know a lot of people who deal with depression and alcoholism in tandem, so it might be good to cover all bases and talk with your doctor or therapist too

I know you'll find a lot of support here
Welcome!
D

artsoul

My heart goes out to you, eastcoast. Please don't give up on yourself, and call 911 if you're feeling suicidal. It's your disease that has a grip on you right now, telling you that you're hopeless, but you're not. None of us are, and the posts on this site are testimony to that.

I did all the "right stuff", too and worked really hard at my sobriety for a while. I never thought I'd drink again, so I slowly got it in my head that I didn't need to put that much effort into it any more. What started as "just this once I'll let myself have a drink" turned into another, and worse, nightmare that ended many years later. I think I finally got it, though. It feels like if I take a drink now, it could very well be the end for me.

I guess all I'm saying is that recovery has to be a really BIG DEAL from now on, bigger than anything else in my life. I have to walk the line this time.

I'm glad you're here talking about what you're going through. That's a really good sign.

jsibbib

Any advice on what the hell is wrong with me?

You are an alcoholic, you have a disease, and you are powerless. Have you gone in depth w/ step one? Granted I only have 10 days sober, but I have known for a long time that I am an alcoholic. I never looked into step one and what it means to me until this week.

I am powerless over alcohol, relationships, and whether or not lightening strikes. All I can do for today is manage my life. I am taking baby steps. My disease didn't happen over night and will not go away over night. I have started w/ showering everday and putting on make-up. Being kinder to my loved ones and learning to be patient.

For me alcohol was a love affair, no matter how much I didn't want to, no matter how bad it made me feel I kept going back for more. Now my marraige is most likely over, but my life isn't, I still have 4 beautiful children, wonderful friends and family and an interview on Mon.!

Take the bad w/ the good, put one foot in front of the other and just breathe. Time really does mend wounds.

least

I too am on meds for depression. They don't work when you're drinking cause alcohol IS a depressant. Once I got sober my antidepressants started working again. What a difference!

Never give up! I was a chronic relapser and I'm heading for six months now. Whatever 'program' you use to stay sober, work it like your life depends on it... 'cause it does. Welcome to SR! :ghug3

Can you see your doctor for medical help in getting safely thru withdrawals? Alcohol withdrawal can be dangerous. Be safe.

Rusty Zipper

welcome EC

for me,

i could keep the drink down for one day,

until i got that emotional rearrangement, and psychic change we hear about,

and that was my part of the deal,

the work to get it.

good wishes EC

NewBeginning010

You have a lot of people here with you on this journey that understand what you are going through. You can do this

porkchopped

Hi Eastcoast. I just wanted to give you my empathy. The struggle with depression along with addiction is a very complex and tough one, as they can feed one another. Reading how you mentally wanted to say goodbye to loved ones is familiar, but there is a strength inside of you that is pulling you toward help. Take that self preservation instinct and run with it!! You absolutely can do this sobriety part, and once that variable is removed, work on the meds. Maybe they aren't the right combination for your brain chemistry. So fine tuning may be necessary, and taking the alcohol out of the equation would help you to begin to work on that aspect. It may seem pretty bleak right now, but you can move through this and experience true joy again. Small things, like taking a walk and seeing how really, really, really green the trees look. I appreciate that after living in black and little white for long periods of time; there IS color out there. Please don't give up!

Hevyn

Eastcoast - welcome to our family. I was exactly like you, and I too had been drinking for 3 wks. the last time I vowed to end the insanity. I had a drink on my nightstand to reach for during the night when the shakes started. I carried a drink into the shower with me, took one with me when I went shopping - even to walk my dogs. I couldn't be without it. I came to SR, totally beaten and convinced I was going to die. When I starting reading the stories here and realized I wasn't unique or alone, I knew I was going to make it.

I am so thankful you didn't go through with your plan to give up on life. You know in your heart there has to be a better way - you don't need to get numb evey day to face things. The misery you're feeling now can some day be a distant memory. Being a longterm drinker of 25 yrs., it took some practice to rejoin the human race, but it didn't take long for joy and hope to be part of my life again. I think you've finally realized that the thing you're using to cope is destroying you. There aren't going to be any more good times - they are over for us. Reach for a new day for yourself and your family - it's going to work this time.

eastcoast04

Thank you everyone for your kind words and encouragement! I really appreciate this. Besides a bout of insomnia, I made it through the night but still after all that I went through, had urges to drink all night. Thank God I didn't go through with it. I just checked in with my sponsor and will be attending a few AA meetings today to get through.

Least, Thanks! I have been taking Librium to keep the withdraw symptoms under control but when you mentally feel that beaten and hopeless, the last thing that I wanted to do was contact someone else for help or check into an institution. I stopped taking my bi-polar medication while on this bender as I was concerned about the combination of the pills and drinking but started them again last night. The did seem to be working well when I wasn't drinking (at least I felt they were) after adjusting them multiple times to get positive results. Hopefully it won't take long to get back to feeling that way.

Again, thank you everybody! It is nice to wake up and check this giving me some inspiration to make it through the day.

Kmber2010

East, you are back and that is what makes the difference right now. You keep getting back up and fighting for sobriety. For me....I just don't drink. Don't buy it, have it, or look at it. It is a daily struggle for me.....the hardest thing I have ever done because it is a constant fight....each day to not slip into having just one.

You can do this my friend. So many of us slip and get back up and have taken several tries at this thing called sobriety. Definitely reach to your sponsor for guidance and come here and post when you feel the urge. You are the one drinking and you are the one who can stop it.

Keep strong and go at it one day at a time.