What about the kids?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 23
What about the kids?
Should I try my darndest to have my kids never drink? My wife's side has alcoholism, as well as mine.
I never thought about this before, but should I really insist they never drink? Will they rebel and want to be cool as I did in HS? Will it be worse if I pressure them? Just curious what others think.
I never thought about this before, but should I really insist they never drink? Will they rebel and want to be cool as I did in HS? Will it be worse if I pressure them? Just curious what others think.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Winton,
I think you're getting ahead of yourself now. Don't worry about what to tell the kids when just yet. First things first! Take care of yourself. Many issues will resolve on their own. Stay in today.
Love,
Lenina
I think you're getting ahead of yourself now. Don't worry about what to tell the kids when just yet. First things first! Take care of yourself. Many issues will resolve on their own. Stay in today.
Love,
Lenina
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: new jersey
Posts: 11
I wouldn't insist they don't drink; there's alcoholism on both my parents' side and they told me the same thing. But here I am now with much more than a drinking problem. I wish they would've just said, 'You don't have to look at statistics to see what alcoholism has done to your family and has a good chance of doing to you.' If they're young, just impress upon them that it is hereditary (although I don't know if that's quite the right word to use here) and explain why they should be cautious. If they're older, in their teens or so, they'll do better understanding where you come from if you tell them your story instead of telling them what not to do.
All in my own opinion of course -- I've no idea how to talk to kids, given that I'm still 19 and still am one! Hope I was a little help though.
All in my own opinion of course -- I've no idea how to talk to kids, given that I'm still 19 and still am one! Hope I was a little help though.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
I am making sure all my four kids (15 through 21 y.o.) have the facts. Then I treat them as anybody else would treat any of their own kids... I don't think anything that I try to do beyond that will make a difference, really. Maybe the knowledge of what happened to me will serve them well, I don't know... My father was alcoholic, he recovered in AA. My brother is AA also, he started his sobriety 23 years before I came into mine. That insight was helpful when I started my recovery, for a lot of reasons, but I never thought that alcoholism would happen to me!!
Like anything else with this ... share your own experience, strength and hope with them, then let them live their lives. But, if they are underage, then you are obligated, for many reasons, to not allow any drinking at all.
Mark
Like anything else with this ... share your own experience, strength and hope with them, then let them live their lives. But, if they are underage, then you are obligated, for many reasons, to not allow any drinking at all.
Mark
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,369
I have no children but I think education is the key, no prohibition.
But...in this instance? I agree with Lenina. Get yourself sorted first Winton - this jobs big enough without adding to it, y'know?
Stay in the day, mate
D
But...in this instance? I agree with Lenina. Get yourself sorted first Winton - this jobs big enough without adding to it, y'know?
Stay in the day, mate
D
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Winton,
Are you in detox now? Do you have a doctor you can trust to discuss this with? It can be dangerous to detox on your own. Please give your trusted doctor a call to see about meds, just for a few days. It will make it more comfortable and safe for you.
Love,
Lenina
Are you in detox now? Do you have a doctor you can trust to discuss this with? It can be dangerous to detox on your own. Please give your trusted doctor a call to see about meds, just for a few days. It will make it more comfortable and safe for you.
Love,
Lenina
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Ill be brief cos ive told this lots of times now...
Friends in AA 27, been sober 6 years, Dads been in AA and sober for 30 years, friend starst drinking at 14 hits a bottom by 21 can see the solution and has met lots of recovered alcoholics so has an option much earlier than having to figure it out for himself...
IMO the absolute worse and most selfish thing to do would be to bring this up and then let them see you get drunk! All they will remember if Dad cant help it then neither can i...
Friends in AA 27, been sober 6 years, Dads been in AA and sober for 30 years, friend starst drinking at 14 hits a bottom by 21 can see the solution and has met lots of recovered alcoholics so has an option much earlier than having to figure it out for himself...
IMO the absolute worse and most selfish thing to do would be to bring this up and then let them see you get drunk! All they will remember if Dad cant help it then neither can i...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 23
I'm alright. No shakes, stomach feels pretty well. Insomnia is all. I'm on BP meds. I also quit smoking 2 days ago. If I smoke I will immediately want to drink. Just the way it is. I know they say that you shouldn't try to quit both, but they trigger each other. I am feeling fine, other than lack of sleep. Thanks for the concern though.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Winton,
Good. I use meditation tapes to help with sleep. I've never been a good sleeper. I use "Deep Sleep with Medical Hypnosis." It's available at Barnes and Noble. I also find doing a series of breathing exercises to calm down.
Try this, take a slow, deep breath through your nose, hold it for the count of four and then slowly blow it out through your mouth. Do this a couple of times. It does help slow the mind down!
Here's a trick for sleep that sometimes works for me too. Get into your comfortable sleeping position. Do a couple of slow breaths, in through your nose, and out through your mouth. Close your eyes and recite any long piece of poetry or prose you know by heart to yourself. Focus on each word.
I use the "Jabberwocky" because it's just silly. Any long piece you know will work, though!
Try it!
Love,
Lenina
Good. I use meditation tapes to help with sleep. I've never been a good sleeper. I use "Deep Sleep with Medical Hypnosis." It's available at Barnes and Noble. I also find doing a series of breathing exercises to calm down.
Try this, take a slow, deep breath through your nose, hold it for the count of four and then slowly blow it out through your mouth. Do this a couple of times. It does help slow the mind down!
Here's a trick for sleep that sometimes works for me too. Get into your comfortable sleeping position. Do a couple of slow breaths, in through your nose, and out through your mouth. Close your eyes and recite any long piece of poetry or prose you know by heart to yourself. Focus on each word.
I use the "Jabberwocky" because it's just silly. Any long piece you know will work, though!
Try it!
Love,
Lenina
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi Winton - Insomnia seems to be the most troublesome issue for me right now, too. I've been prescribed Trazadone, but I think my brain is still adjusting so it's not working very well. Sometimes I just lay there and try to rest and sometimes I watch TV with the sound turned down and the closed captions on. I also have a box fan that is good for white noise and I sometimes just focus on listening to it. Let's see, what else? Oh, there are alot of "bedtime" teas out there, and milk seems to help some people, too. Aside from that, you probably know about the other off-the-counter remedies.....
It has gotten a little better, I will say. In the my second week, I had several half-way decent sleeps. Good luck!!!!!
It has gotten a little better, I will say. In the my second week, I had several half-way decent sleeps. Good luck!!!!!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Winton, I wasn't the type that wanted to rebel with alcohol. I can think of better angels than me, but I thought I was a "good child" when I was growing up. Didn't give my parents lots of practice with rebellion. I started drinking after I reached the legal age and it turned out I was an alcoholic. I _speculate_ that shielding kids from reality is not the way to go and that the best they can have is believing in love. Hopefully they won't form a relationship with alcohol that replaces or adds or removes "something."
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
I thought about that too Winton. I was always going too far into the future and finding things to worry about. Don't know if it is, but it may be part of our addictive selfs. You know finding things to worry about so we can get anxious and then drink.
I used to smoke and drink. I have a 7 year old. He is being told about cigs and as far as alcohol he is learning by example. Will certainly discuss alcohol in the future, but he knows to this day I quit because I was slowly killing myself with it. Kids are smarter then you think. They need conversation and a good example.
I used to smoke and drink. I have a 7 year old. He is being told about cigs and as far as alcohol he is learning by example. Will certainly discuss alcohol in the future, but he knows to this day I quit because I was slowly killing myself with it. Kids are smarter then you think. They need conversation and a good example.
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,911
I've told my kids about my drinking and the fact that there is a genetic component and my father was an alcoholic. My kids are 19 and 17 and don't drink. For years my wife and family did not know the extent of my problem (the term high functioning alcoholic is misleading, it's sorta like being a little bit pregnant) and I had a long period of soberity. I relapsed this past year and had "the conversation" with my kids. I was afraid to do it, but they were supportive and handled it really well. Now, I'm glad they know of my struggles with alcohol and the family history. I'm not going to tell them not to drink, that would feel so hypocritical and they might call me out on that anyway. But, I'm going to strongly suggest that they not drink, and give them any information I can to help them with that decision and the peer pressure they will encounter.
My wife and I have strived to be the best parents we can be over the past 20 years (partly because our own childhoods were lacking). Our kids are going to leave the nest and we don't really have control over their lives (and frankly I don't want to have control). We have done our best to instill positive values in them so that they can face life as adults. As part of the education we've given them, they now know that dad struggled with alcohol and that they have that genetic predisposition. They still love me, and I think they still look up to me, but they know that dad is human afterall.
My wife and I have strived to be the best parents we can be over the past 20 years (partly because our own childhoods were lacking). Our kids are going to leave the nest and we don't really have control over their lives (and frankly I don't want to have control). We have done our best to instill positive values in them so that they can face life as adults. As part of the education we've given them, they now know that dad struggled with alcohol and that they have that genetic predisposition. They still love me, and I think they still look up to me, but they know that dad is human afterall.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 174
You know even though I'm young this is something I've thought about. I think it's important to avoid being all "alcohol is evil, don't ever touch it" to your kids, because they will end up having a few drinks and having some fun and thinking "Dad was lying or was wrong" etc.
What is important is to tell them to be very cautious, as was said above. Tell them about the dangers and that you'll always be there to talk to if they think they're drinking too much etc.
That said, I don't have any experience in this, just throwing in my 2c
What is important is to tell them to be very cautious, as was said above. Tell them about the dangers and that you'll always be there to talk to if they think they're drinking too much etc.
That said, I don't have any experience in this, just throwing in my 2c
Scars,Souvineers we never lose
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 325
I have a 3 and 1/2 year old and 7 days sober today and I think that as mentioned above dont get ahead of yourself just know that if you and your wife quit and your children never see you drunk (or ever again then it is more the role model you will be than the rules you set for them.
Children and young adults and all people respond much better to what they see as far as their mentors and the people they lookj up to and as parents we have the biggest peice of responsibility when it comes to that component of raising then.
I beleive the best thing you can do RIGHT NOW is giv ethen clean and sober parents that show up for all of their activities, not just drop them off and pick up (like mine did) so hey can be at home drinking, waking me up in the middle of the night so I could ride with them drunk b.c a firend of theirs got way too drunk so (smart) they were going to follow them home (with usin the car in our pj's to make sure a cop couldnt get behing them and the friend wouldnt get a dui never mind they would, both my parents, ending up in the drunk tank and us bieng place with family (which we didnt have much of b.c when you have a family with a long line of alcoholism in it there are a lot og figthes all the time and a lot of pusing people out of it so I doubt my parents were on good term with many of my family member at any given time and at 33 I am stikll trying to contact these family members and repair the relationships that my parents destroyed in their alcoholism) there was sooo much as a child I never should have seen, no child should ever, or that I knew that no child should know.
So I could go on forever about this but Ill spare you that my parent were OK my father is recovered my mother is still drinking her life away and was given the ultimatum to do so my Sr. year of HS and was gone forever.
But those were my role models, so b.c of then I dont want to drink anymore, I have to break the cycle for my daughter b.c I haev 1 sister never drank in her life but is a pretty miserable person althoguh she has a great husbandbeautiful kids etc. i believe she is dry and needs to so some work herself and my younder sister is at 32 living off the govt in Fl. free apartement free $ never worked a day in her life and drinks and does drugs all day, has hep c she doesnt treat b.c she is too busy getting f-ed up, then there me who was headed in that direction just a couple weeks ago when I decided to change, and I pray I can stay changed, so I hope you chose to be sober for them so they never ahve to go through what I did and when they have to write a paprer in school about their hero as opposed to me writing Opera (for example) or some celebity, they will write their mom or dad, I think thats all a parent can hope for.
Good luck...
<3 Dream
then it is more the role model you will be than the rules you set for them. Children and young adults and all people respond much better to what they see as far as their mentors and the people they lookj up to and as parents we have the biggest peice of responsibility when it comes to that component of raising then.
I beleive the best thing you can do RIGHT NOW is giv ethen clean and sober parents that show up for all of their activities, not just drop them off and pick up (like mine did) so hey can be at home drinking, waking me up in the middle of the night so I could ride with them drunk b.c a firend of theirs got way too drunk so (smart) they were going to follow them home (with usin the car in our pj's to make sure a cop couldnt get behing them and the friend wouldnt get a dui never mind they would, both my parents, ending up in the drunk tank and us bieng place with family (which we didnt have much of b.c when you have a family with a long line of alcoholism in it there are a lot og figthes all the time and a lot of pusing people out of it so I doubt my parents were on good term with many of my family member at any given time and at 33 I am stikll trying to contact these family members and repair the relationships that my parents destroyed in their alcoholism) there was sooo much as a child I never should have seen, no child should ever, or that I knew that no child should know.
So I could go on forever about this but Ill spare you that my parent were OK my father is recovered my mother is still drinking her life away and was given the ultimatum to do so my Sr. year of HS and was gone forever.
But those were my role models, so b.c of then I dont want to drink anymore, I have to break the cycle for my daughter b.c I haev 1 sister never drank in her life but is a pretty miserable person althoguh she has a great husbandbeautiful kids etc. i believe she is dry and needs to so some work herself and my younder sister is at 32 living off the govt in Fl. free apartement free $ never worked a day in her life and drinks and does drugs all day, has hep c she doesnt treat b.c she is too busy getting f-ed up, then there me who was headed in that direction just a couple weeks ago when I decided to change, and I pray I can stay changed, so I hope you chose to be sober for them so they never ahve to go through what I did and when they have to write a paprer in school about their hero as opposed to me writing Opera (for example) or some celebity, they will write their mom or dad, I think thats all a parent can hope for.
Good luck...
<3 Dream
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 1,390
Both my kids have lives through mine and we talk alot about the effects it had on them and what the out come can be...that being said they both have a good chance at following the same road I did...when and if that happens ...I'll be there for them...that's the best I can do...good luck on your journey and take it a day at a time...the future hasn't happened yet..
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Originally Posted by Zebra1275 
I've told my kids about my drinking and the fact that there is a genetic component and my father was an alcoholic. My kids are 19 and 17 and don't drink. For years my wife and family did not know the extent of my problem (the term high functioning alcoholic is misleading, it's sorta like being a little bit pregnant) and I had a long period of soberity. I relapsed this past year and had "the conversation" with my kids. I was afraid to do it, but they were supportive and handled it really well. Now, I'm glad they know of my struggles with alcohol and the family history. I'm not going to tell them not to drink, that would feel so hypocritical and they might call me out on that anyway. But, I'm going to strongly suggest that they not drink, and give them any information I can to help them with that decision and the peer pressure they will encounter. but they know that dad is human afterall.
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