racinstalldev

Here it goes, bear with me as I tend to type a lot. About 5 years ago I quit smoking over a pack and a half a day thanks to a stop smoking forum on usenet, and am now considering doing the same with my drinking.

I'm married, 39, with 2 daughters, and drink, a lot. I have realized lately that I not only drink almost every day, on the days that I do drink, I need to drink at least 8 light beers, sometimes double that amount. The one potontial good thing, if possible, is that I really don't like anything with alcohol besides light beer. Right now I'm ending my night by drinking a Corona (my wife had some in the fridge for her friends) since I've already had at least 12 of my Miller Lites. Also, I have to get up for work in about 7 hours.

OK, so why do I drink? Well, its something I've done on a regular basis since I was 16. I'm very shy by nature, but drinking helped with that shyness. I admit that I'm not as shy as I was years ago while sober, but I still feel much more comfortable in a group setting with beer involved.

Also, and this is one of the main thrusts of my question, I am motivated by beer. Tasks such as cutting the grass, caulking the shower, painting a room, are all so much easier with beer. I don't feel motivated without it. I get so tired.

However, on the other hand, I've realized recently that when I drink, I have no desire to further my skills with my job (I'm a software engineer/developer) off hours. Once I'm drinking, I'll never consider reading or doing things that help me career-wise. If I have a rare night where I'm drinking only water, I will spend at least an hour doing research and learning, which is vital in my field.

So... shoot... I don't even know where to begin.

I think I realize that I can't have just one... its just like nicotine... I have to get rid of alcohol 100%... no excuses.

The problem is... how do I even begin this process? I am what I would consider a functioning alcoholic. While most of my friends drink (while out at a bar or playing poker), I doubt any of them are having beer #13 on a worknight like I'm having right now.

As for my wife, she knows I drink a lot of beer, doesn't make a big stink about it, but I'm sure would be supportive if I tried to quit.

Question is... is it possible to force myself to drink only in a public/party setting, or do I have to force myself to give it up 100% of the time?

And also, help, I need a lot of it... this has been a crutch of mine for over half of my life. Drinking 9-17 beers a day cannot be good for my liver, or my health in general.

Thanks in advance,
Bob

artsoul

Hi rac/Bob - This is a great forum and I'm glad you're here. It's not easy to admit we have a problem, but it's often the step we have to take to begin to turn things around.

You're not alone. Most of us here have tried and failed to quit or drink like "normal" people (who can take it or leave it). I was pretty "functional" as well, though I wouldn't say I was happy.

Keep reading and posting - there is all the hope in the world that things can change for you!

Dee74

Hi Bob

Welcome to SR

Pretty much the eternal question around here LOL.

For me, I tried limiting my setting, tried limiting the days, the amounts, the type of alcohol....nothing worked for me but sobriety.

I can't say what will work for you, but I suspect if beer is already both your motivator and de-motivator as you suggest, you may have crossed that invisible line from normal drinker just as I did.

There are tests available - nothing conclusive of course - but your answers might help clarify your situation.

Michigan Alcohol Screening Test (MAST), Revised

Right now I figure what have you got to lose by trying abstinence, even for a predetermined period, like 30 days Bob?

At least you'll know then if you really have a problem or not
D

tallcactus

Do you really think that you can cut back and just drink in a pubic/party setting?
It might work a time or two, but you will be right back to where you are now. Cutting back does not work, we can not drink in moderation, when we know we have a drinking problem or we are an alcoholic.
You came here, because you know that you have a problem. You have to give it all up. Your right, drinking 9-17 beers a day cannot be good for you, your liver, your family, your job, etc.
It really is about staying in the day and taking it "one day at a time' by not drinking. Good luck to you, I know you can do this, if this is what you want for you, your life and family.

NEOMARXIST

If you are an alcoholic then controlled, moderated drinking is a fairytale. You may only choose to drink at the party but when the party finishes are you just going to stop drinking? I know I would already be looking forward to chugging beers back at home. Then as soon as I wake up.

I am an alcoholic so total abstinance from alcohol 'one day at a time' is the only way for me.

I came to realise that I am totally powerless over my actions and behaviour once I take that first drink. I only got to that point however through much experimentation and pain... But I always ended up getting totally wasted. I would say i was going to only drink 5 cans (but never reallly believe it tbh) and then I would be totally powerless over walking to the shop to buy another 8 cans. It escalated from there really.

Norther

You're probably drinking enough that you should detox under a doctor's care. It doesn't have to be in-patient: they give you meds (librium) to ease the withdrawal. It's only bad for a few days (I know the idea of quitting is scary.), and the benefits - less anxiety and fear, clarity of mind, productivity in your life - come rather quickly after that. I was drinking about as much as you, and this has been my nine-day experience. We think it's the quitting that is the hard part, but it really isn't that bad if your time has come (I pray yours has.): it's the staying quit in the face of a sneaky disease that is the real challange.

Toronto68

Rac, it wouldn't work for me (drinking like a normal person). I settled into beer too, after rotating around the other beverages. Around the time it started to become a noticeable problem for me, I thought beer wasn't so bad, it was almost more innocent than anything else. When I said it was "only beer" to someone else who complained about me having it by myself at home, the reply I got back was that someone had become an alcoholic through it. It didn't believe it was untrue, but it didn't apply to me. I started to realize I was buying it more and more frequently the next year, and I can remember motivation being associated with it. It wasn't like a drink away your sorrows thing on the surface, but once in a while they would come up. So I just stifled them and drank on and on, because things seemed to be going fine for me and I was used to being my own best critic and finding fault where it didn't necessarily exist (so keep drinking).

Well, it gets in the way. Life gets in the way of drinking. There finally came a time when I wanted to be without it, and now I have to confront the absence or presence of an emotion (motivation and more) without it. Obviously it's not like the world is my oyster, but I don't want to go back to it. I can't predict the future, but I haven't been away from it this long before.

The way I stopped was by just finishing up what was left in the fridge one night (it wasn't the right dosage, it was a small amount) and I planned on not getting anymore the next day, after depriving myself of the typical fill. I don't know how I had the fortitude to go against that (why was that day any different), but I just went with it.

The thought of drinking comes into my mind sometimes, but it's not like with smoking for me (which I still do - yuck). I recently quit that for 5 days, and that was amazing to me too. But they're just really different kinds of things to me. When I did cave into buying cigarettes again, my conscience followed me every step of the way (shoes, coat, walking to the store). I don't even get to the starting point for alcohol. It's a thought that comes in and I label it a trap and see it as a trap right away, and then it's gone. Usually when I think about it, it's more like a memory; how did I used to be, thank goodness that is over with; etc. I worry about something bothering me and triggering me, but I just repeat what I did the day before and remember I don't want the cycle of alcohol anymore.

The desire to stop doesn't necessarily come through reason. I think my brain took over as a survival instinct (it'd been drugged so much and knew how to override me and my will?) and then my ability to reason helped me to act, and then the will for the first few days and then time just rolled on. I guess, I don't really know and don't really care that much anymore how it came about. Formed a new habit. I can't sell it or prove it through science, it just happened, and that's the way it is for now.

chicubs1

It's very difficult (and still is for me after 5 months and from what I hear always will be), but there is no such thing as "cutting back" or just "drinking socially" for people in our situation. It's brutal, but you have to commit to quitting 100% and although it sounds cliche, take it one day at a time. People who miss me from my drinking days have tried to get me to go back and try the "just a couple" route, and I've stayed strong. Again, it sucks, but it's worth it. My life is so much better without it and I'm sure yours will be too. Good luck!

barmyarmy

Hi,
Your description of your drinking is so like mine, right down to your age: I'm ten years older than you, but at 39 I was functioning well enough to have a happy marriage with kids on the way, plus a high-paying job. I knew my drinking was abnormal, but I seemed to be getting away with it, and in fact was convinved that it helped me in all sorts of ways (social situations, unwinding after a hard day's work, getting a good night's sleep).
Ten years further in and I have quit, but I wish I had taken the step at the age of 39. I would still have had a marriage and a job for a start.
You make your mind up, of course, but if I could rewind those ten years I know what I would do.
Best wishes,
BarmyArmy

Horselover

Welcome to SR Bob. You have made a great start by coming here and posting your concerns.

I started drinking in my teens too, to overcome shyness, but my body didn't react the same as others when it came to drinking. I would drink until I was sick and the sickness lasted all the way through the weekend and usually I would miss school on Monday. I continued to drink, but made several attempts to quit. I knew I wasn't normal when it came to alcohol, but I just couldn't find the easy button.

One day I stumbled on this site and for some reason it all clicked. I saw there were many people struggling to get away from the alcohol and a lot of them were in the same boat as I. I have been a regular member around here ever since and haven't touched a drop.

Why did it finally work this time? I believe it was because I had tried all the tricks in the book to become a "normal" drinker and realized it wasn't going to ever happen. I switched what I drank. I bought less. I said I wouldn't drink on certain days. The key was it was so much effort and so much struggle that it wasn't worth it and it was making me a mean, mean person. I wasn't happy and I wasn't satisfied unless I could get drunk.

I now have no struggle with it because I don't pick up at all - ever! It wasn't an overnight thing and believe me it was hard in the beginning, but I am so grateful I did it. My life is 110 percent better and yours can be too. Believe in yourself and find the recovery method that works best for you. Good luck!!

Oh 1 more thing regarding the motivation factor. Are you motivated when you drink or is it a reward system? I ask because I used it as an excuse to drink after I finished something. You will need to reward yourself in a healthier manner. I now will make a trip to the bookstore as a reward or go horseback riding with a friend of mine. Anything that brings you pleasure but doesn't numb you out is a good thing.

mirage

Welcome to SR, racin! Glad you're here, hope you stick around cuz these folks are really helpful. It didn't even occur to me that my drinking was a problem till last summer. It sorta snuck up on me...and then I thought, 'crap..5 times a week, gettin pretty sloshed on beer is a lot'. I know...not sure what took me so long..just never really looked at it...and yeah, I'm pretty sure my friends aren't doing that, either. Anyway, I'm still working on it myself, so I'll let you take wiser words from the others..just wanted to say I can relate and hoping the best for you.

racinstalldev

First off, much thanks to all of you who responded.

I spent much of today thinking about the fact that I posted here, and reading through many other threads.

It amazes me how I have so much in common with so many of you.

First off, I've seen many references to falling asleep somewhere other than bed, usually fully clothed, usually after not recalling that last hour or so of the night. I've lived this scenario much more often over the past year or two, even though I've drank almost every day for many years.

Also, I think most of my friends go home after a night out and go to bed without another sip of alcohol. Me? Not so much.

Finally, I find myself obsessing about exactly how many beers are in the fridge before I get home after work. I was the same way with cigarettes, I could tell you exactly how many I had left.

A few other thoughts, somewhat responding to some of your replies.

#1... I find myself "motivated" by beer in that doing a boring task like painting a room or caulking a shower is made much more bearable if I'm drinking while doing it. If I'm not drinking, I tend to quit before its done and wait until the next day.

#2... I can go for days without an ounce of beer. I don't fear quitting drinking, at least for the first few days. I don't really crave it if I'm not drinking it. The thing that has begun to scare me is the fact that I can't have 1, 2 or 5 beers and stop. And the bigger scare is that it seems to take many more beers to get to that drunk stage. Honestly, that drunk feeling has started to disappear. I go from just a bit of a buzz to passing out somewhere after finishing #15 or so without ever feeling totally drunk. Is this a possible issue in the way my liver is digesting alcohol... along with the fact that I seem to pass out with a higher frequency than in past years?

#3... I find myself planning my eating around my drinking. If I have a desire to catch a buzz, I eat a really light dinner, sometimes not at all. Sometimes I prefer to have my beers on an empty stomach and then eat before sleep, I drink less beers this way and feel better about my drinking.

#4... I find myself jealous of those who can enjoy a few drinks after work, and then stop for the rest of the night, going to bed pretty much sober. I know that 1, 2 or maybe even 3 drinks a day may not be horrible for someone. I just can't be happy with even 4 a day. Its either 0 or 8+ for me.

I guess what I've realized is that alcoholism doesn't mean you can't go for more than 8 hours without a drink. Alcoholism can also be what I seem to be experiencing.

The issue with quitting entirely is that while quitting smoking was also quite tough, it is no longer socially accepted. I found myself only smoking solo, while standing outside and freezing. Drinking, on the other hand, can be done in the comfort of anybody's home, or at most restaurants.

Anyway, thank you all again for your wonderful insights and ability to share you experiences with me. We all have more in common than I initially expected to find.