New to this...
Diappointed in Spouse
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: California
Posts: 8
New to this...
My first day on this site...wanting lots of answers, as I see all the posts!
My husband of 14 years depends on alcohol. He is not a falling down drunk or abuses us, but I have a hard time understading why he HAS to drink every night. Not one night has gone by without some wine and/or liquor. 4-5 drinks.
Everything else about him is great- he is a hard worker, makes a great living, is generous, and in the morning and afternoons is a pretty cool guy- he changes when he has a few, and I have been avoiding him in the evenings- putting kids to bed, reading, finding anything else to do except sit with him on the sofa. If I did, would this be saying it's OK to be constantly drinking? I want a normal evening life. My insides are so jumbled up over it. Avoidance or making negative comments, I've read is not the best thing for me to do, or the 'evil eye'. Actually I am guilty of those, thinking I am more important and he should do what I say. Any feedback from recovering A's?
What should the ideal loving spouse do?
My husband of 14 years depends on alcohol. He is not a falling down drunk or abuses us, but I have a hard time understading why he HAS to drink every night. Not one night has gone by without some wine and/or liquor. 4-5 drinks.
Everything else about him is great- he is a hard worker, makes a great living, is generous, and in the morning and afternoons is a pretty cool guy- he changes when he has a few, and I have been avoiding him in the evenings- putting kids to bed, reading, finding anything else to do except sit with him on the sofa. If I did, would this be saying it's OK to be constantly drinking? I want a normal evening life. My insides are so jumbled up over it. Avoidance or making negative comments, I've read is not the best thing for me to do, or the 'evil eye'. Actually I am guilty of those, thinking I am more important and he should do what I say. Any feedback from recovering A's?
What should the ideal loving spouse do?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
Hi and Welcome,
I think you can seek support for yourself. Your husband will need to decide that he wants to stop drinking and do the work involved. For you, please continue to read and post and check the forum for Friends and Families of Alcoholics on this board. You might also want to try AlAnon.
I think you can seek support for yourself. Your husband will need to decide that he wants to stop drinking and do the work involved. For you, please continue to read and post and check the forum for Friends and Families of Alcoholics on this board. You might also want to try AlAnon.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
Welcome to SR! Glad you found us.
Have you and your husband ever talked about his drinking? Does he know that you think he drinks too much or too often? I would think the first step would be to let him know how you are feeling, if you haven't done so.
Have you and your husband ever talked about his drinking? Does he know that you think he drinks too much or too often? I would think the first step would be to let him know how you are feeling, if you haven't done so.
Diappointed in Spouse
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: California
Posts: 8
thank you for your responses...I have found this site so friendly.
Instead of seeking support in programs, I guess my first step was finding info online, and getting some feedback on this forum. I have so many questions, I thought I could seek advice of recovering A's. I want to be a supportive wife because I love him.
My husband and I have spoken and argued over his drinking, and it's the same pattern...he admits he drinks more than he should, slows down to show me he is trying (and it does mean a lot to me) then starts back up again.
Tired of the pattern, but not ready to confront bigger issues like separation. We have 3 younk kids.
Instead of seeking support in programs, I guess my first step was finding info online, and getting some feedback on this forum. I have so many questions, I thought I could seek advice of recovering A's. I want to be a supportive wife because I love him.
My husband and I have spoken and argued over his drinking, and it's the same pattern...he admits he drinks more than he should, slows down to show me he is trying (and it does mean a lot to me) then starts back up again.
Tired of the pattern, but not ready to confront bigger issues like separation. We have 3 younk kids.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Guelph, Ontario
Posts: 640
Glad you found SR as well. I hope that you find support on here. You can only support yourself you can't make your husband stop drinking only he can do that. You can be a support though, but you can only be a good support to him if you get support yourself.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi disappointed2
You'll certainly find a lot of recovering alcohoics here to give you advice, but I think it's important you get the viewpoints and opinions of other spouses who've been through this too.
I think your focus should be on you and what you can do...not what your husband won't or can't.
Like Anna suggested, have you thought of al-anon? In any case, please do visit our FFA forum as well
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Welcome to SR!
D
You'll certainly find a lot of recovering alcohoics here to give you advice, but I think it's important you get the viewpoints and opinions of other spouses who've been through this too.
I think your focus should be on you and what you can do...not what your husband won't or can't.
Like Anna suggested, have you thought of al-anon? In any case, please do visit our FFA forum as well
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Welcome to SR!
D
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
We have all the good intentions in the world, but we also have this addiction that cries out to us. It isn't a pleasant way to live, but I can tell you I love my husband and my son with all my heart and I didn't drink because of them. I finally found recovery too and it wasn't because of them. I thought it was at first, but have come to discover I wouldn't be sober still if I did it for anyone but myself.
I guess what I am trying to say is you need to get support for yourself because until your husband is ready to recover it isn't him you should be concentrating on. For your sake find recovery for yourself. You are going through some private hell I am sure.
Good luck and God bless.
I guess what I am trying to say is you need to get support for yourself because until your husband is ready to recover it isn't him you should be concentrating on. For your sake find recovery for yourself. You are going through some private hell I am sure.
Good luck and God bless.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: michigan
Posts: 28
Hello and I am glad your here.
You will have to talk to your husband about his drinking and it needs to be a heartfelt discussion!! I did not believe I had an issue for years. But in the back of my mind I knew womething was not right.... Same thing I admitted I drank to much, but then slowed down.. and again drank heavy.......yea yea yea. Alcoholism is very self indulgent, you don't realize you are hurting others. Cuz you know your killing youself...and that is all you think about...not the people your hurting..
You will have to talk to your husband about his drinking and it needs to be a heartfelt discussion!! I did not believe I had an issue for years. But in the back of my mind I knew womething was not right.... Same thing I admitted I drank to much, but then slowed down.. and again drank heavy.......yea yea yea. Alcoholism is very self indulgent, you don't realize you are hurting others. Cuz you know your killing youself...and that is all you think about...not the people your hurting..
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Yeah has been pointed out you will hopefully start concentrating on yourself and the family and friends section will be able to guide you in the right direction for that!
The personality change when drinking is a good sign of an alcoholic...great story my sponsor told me about when he was drinking and all the guys would go out on the drunk, he hung around with a friend and they worked on the docks so would head out in the morning for the first drink...at 10pm that night my sponsor and his friend were obviously very drunk...my sponsor said the big difference was that if you talked to his friend you were talking to a very drunk version of the guy you would have talked to at 10am that same morning...but if you talked to my sponsor at 10pm you were talking to a completely different person to the guy you talked to at 10am that morning...like jekyll and hyde...
Be assued though that the only way to help this situation is to get some help for you...if your other half is an alcoholic then all the mechanical acts of the day will be specifically to cause as litle problems as possible in order to get to the night...if that makes sense...anyways good luck:-)
The personality change when drinking is a good sign of an alcoholic...great story my sponsor told me about when he was drinking and all the guys would go out on the drunk, he hung around with a friend and they worked on the docks so would head out in the morning for the first drink...at 10pm that night my sponsor and his friend were obviously very drunk...my sponsor said the big difference was that if you talked to his friend you were talking to a very drunk version of the guy you would have talked to at 10am that same morning...but if you talked to my sponsor at 10pm you were talking to a completely different person to the guy you talked to at 10am that morning...like jekyll and hyde...
Be assued though that the only way to help this situation is to get some help for you...if your other half is an alcoholic then all the mechanical acts of the day will be specifically to cause as litle problems as possible in order to get to the night...if that makes sense...anyways good luck:-)
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi Disappointed - You're reaching out and that's a good thing. One of the best resources I know is the book Codependent No More. Have you read it?
I agree with the others here that unfortunately, there is not much you can do unless he's willing to admit that he has a problem and wants help. That often means suffering some negative consequences. I wish I could say something more that would be helpful. I'll certainly send prayers for both of you.
I agree with the others here that unfortunately, there is not much you can do unless he's willing to admit that he has a problem and wants help. That often means suffering some negative consequences. I wish I could say something more that would be helpful. I'll certainly send prayers for both of you.
Diappointed in Spouse
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: California
Posts: 8
thanks for the replies- can you answer something else? When you were an A, and your spouse said they would leave you unless you quit- was that when you hit bottom? Or did it matter?
thanks
thanks
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Well, it didn't matter to me - ultimatums made me drink more, I'm afraid - the 'how dare you' reaction.
I hit my bottom when I decided I'd had enough - not when someone else told me they had....I was very selfish.
You know your husband best of course.
If you really think you should leave, Disappointed, then thats one thing...but I wouldn't threaten it unless you mean it.
just my opinion
D
I hit my bottom when I decided I'd had enough - not when someone else told me they had....I was very selfish.
You know your husband best of course.
If you really think you should leave, Disappointed, then thats one thing...but I wouldn't threaten it unless you mean it.
just my opinion
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
The person who is an alcoholic needs to decide to stop drinking for himself or herself. It's not something you can do for someone else.
Please check out the Friends & Families forums on our board.
Please check out the Friends & Families forums on our board.
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