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Dependant or addicted?

Old 05-11-2010, 11:39 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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It is interesting that I came home to find this post since I was "wondering" a bit earlier about having a drink. I had stopped at the shoppette and picking up some coffee and wandered over to the alcohol aisle. I passed through the aisles and as I walked through....well I was feeling really good. Most everyday has been awesome since I was off the sauce. Not the social drink or two 1x a week or something but the I can't help myself from wanting it that I stock up on bottles or boxes to ensure I don't run out....kinda drinking.

I got some great news today and man I wanted to celebrate with a happy frosty. Oh a rum and coke was on my mind and I was licking my lips at the thought. I know the worst of it.....I know I will die if I continue with the binge but maybe I had learned my lesson and I could control it.

Maybe I wouldn't relapse but become that social drinker I once was. I have a great marriage, now a teaching job, things are looking up......I wouldn't need that crutch called alcohol.

I walked to the register with the coffee in hand and no alcohol. Why? Because all of these things that are great in my life are because of sobriety not alcohol. I would be f*cking lying up the wassszoooo (pardon the language) if I don't want a drink now. I feel fantastic and once upon a time alcohol was fun....it was responsible and it was enjoyable and relaxing. Somehow that all changed and I will not risk my health, my life ever again.

This is my recovery. This is an everyday awareness that I can not slip. I came to "soberrecovery" to seek support for sobriety. I have found that and am sober. I have tried to control it and well I just don't want to risk it.

I think most people can change. If someone comes to a support site for sobriety then they usually want to rid alcohol from their life for good reason.

I can't find fault with anyone being critical of someone thinking they can control it. I guess most of us have been in the denial stage or the testing stage before they realized that their lives are much better sober.

I respect you FMD for being open with us about what you are feeling and having a back up plan if it doesn't work. You are amongst a supportive community and we will be there for you as you continue your journey.

All I can say is that for anyone who returns to drinking after being able to go through a sober period (no one is here if they didn't think they had some kind of problem) that they drink responsibly and stay off the roads if they drink.

So there is my two cents.

Wish everyone the best.
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Old 05-11-2010, 11:58 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Kmbr - you said it:
I walked to the register with the coffee in hand and no alcohol. Why? Because all of these things that are great in my life are because of sobriety not alcohol.
Hit me right between my eyes! Thanks, Kmbr, that just strengthens my resolve and I'll remember it for a long time.
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Old 05-12-2010, 04:31 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Well folks, Christmas came early this year...



Due to some unforeseen circumstances, we had to switch my friends birthday celebration from Saturday to last night... coincidentally two weeks to the day of the last night that I drank.

So... as we all started drinking, I noticed that I wasn't really feeling the pleasant effects of the alcohol, not to mention the taste of the drink. As time went on, I still wasn't feeling the pleasant effects, but was increasingly feeling the toxic effects. It was like, what I must imagine, taking that pill which kills the alcoholic buzz.

The reasons for this, I am not sure. It's like my body wasn't processing the alcohol "properly"... I was feeling like I was having the "Asian flush", like my body was leaving the more toxic compounds intact. Also, I don't know if this has to do with my mostly carb free diet the past two weeks. I wouldn't be surprised, due to the association of carbohydrates and alcohol, and the fact that my body is now using fat (dietary and bodily) as it's main fuel source. Gluconeogenesis is the process by which fat is converted into glucose, the bodies/brains main source of fuel... gluconeogenesis is a process primarily performed in.................. THE LIVER! Considering I've been getting 1000-1500 calories a day NOT from my diet (ie: my fat stores), my liver is probably working big time to convert all that fat into fuel.

At any rate, I really didn't enjoy it, ended up having a small carbo binge and came home and went to bed. Despite not getting right trashed, I still felt hungover.

At least for today and tonight, I have absolutely no desire to drink. Just thinking about the taste of the alcohol is making me feel sick (and I'm not feeling hungover anymore besides feeling a bit tired).

I also realized that I like going to bed sober, reading, etc.

On the plus side, I lost another pound and a half, bringing the 2 week total to 12 pounds. Of course, some of that is undoubtedly just dehydration, haha.

I'll get back to the rest of your comments later, thanks!!!
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Old 05-12-2010, 07:09 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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I suppose I should also mention that I don't consider this any sort of definitive experiment. The opportunity to drink socially will undoubtedly present itself again, and I will have to see how that goes. If I feel like it, and how my body takes it.

At the very least, I currently feel no inspiration to drink anti-socially, the danger that might have presented itself today, and that's a good thing.
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Old 05-12-2010, 07:55 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Glad you're still with us FMD.

D
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Old 05-12-2010, 08:12 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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FMD, I hope you find you find your way in what it is you are seeking.
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Old 05-13-2010, 12:19 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Not sure what to say... glad you are still here sharing & good for you for being honest about your experience.

Good to hear that your body is healing & rejecting poison ;-) I have been in the eye of that storm

Sounds like an interesting diet (are you on a specific one?), I am working on losing some weight... specifically my beer gut ;-) Lost about 20 lbs by getting out exercising & being active instead of sitting around drinking/hungover

The middle section is a beast to trim... then again I have been building that fortress for some time.

Keep us updated on your progress.

Take Care,

NB
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