Dream2bClean

TY I am feeling MUCH better just like a HUGE ball of anxiety RIGHT NOW. Like I am almostt spinning, riunning around my house like a crazy person for my first sober night in YEARS, well not true, I had 5 days a few months ago but think I was still ujsing Narcs at the time so I didnt realise the effects of the A WD's as much.
I have a very important interview in the AM, I know its time to focus on myself and put me first and I really am trying to but this is a chance for a 95 actually 8-4 which I have not had in well my entire adult life sue to the undustry I chose and now with a 3 and 1/2 year old i need one more than ever b/c I recently worked a managemrial job (as a ssistant a huge step down for me) but recently never went back about 2 weeks ago b/c in all honesty (although it was a HORRIBLE schedule for my daughter and husband and I basically had to work 60 plus hours a week leaving him to do EVERYTHING, after him working all week in the now super HOT Southern sun outdoors doing physical labor) and then coming home to an empotionally wrecked wife that was an A and narcotic addict, shooting up, crying or bouncing off the walls about every little comment he made leaving him to everything.
So regardless I REALLY need this job it would make my life much easier. I didnt work for a year and 1/2 due to an emergency back surgery, the "economy and nott bigng able to find a job and my drug and alcohol problemns escalating and believing as soon as I got a job everything would be better, i then realised the job added more stress to our life, relationship and family, so i realoise that there are so many layers of this b/c I have to obviously get over that b/c everything time I get "the thing' I think is going o make eveything "all better" it turns out to be exactly the thing that made me worse and worse at my behaviour.
So I am no longer banking on anyhting helping me but me, finding a programn and working the steps, which i have never done before even when I went to NA on and off for a couple years had found a lot of great groups good people, never the right sponser and I am praying I do this time.
As I mentioned going to an NA meeting that about 5 years ago when I went NA there were a lot of old time woman NAers in there and I am praying they still are b/c they were not at the meeting the pther night which was a let down but I remember the last time not bieng easy either but this time I am dealing with much stronger addictions, I dont think you can compare, but I know the needle has been known to be the hardest to kick an I see why....I have literally been seeing visions of thosee danicing in my head everytime (from time to time ) when I blink, spoons and lighters etc. Its a bitch.
I am quite sure I am over the majority of WD sympoms, (I know they can literally last years) but the worst of the worst fo the symptoms of that and could for the first time in over a year be comfortable enough to wear a short sleeved shirt to church and lunch today but I was ampng the people who love me, and although they are not a part of my direct family except for my husband they are the ones (1 that even used w/ me as I mentioned above) but shoewed their concern that I was becomming a nasty full fledged junkie and were worried about me so although i still had light bruises in the crooks of my arms and I can feel my vens are all hard and bumpy (whicch I know I need to get checked out by a Dr ASAP if that doesnt go away in a day or 2 but w/o insurance I have no choice but to wait on that but then again if its a blud clot or something of course I cant wait.
Boy oh boy what have I done every minute of my day is filled with more realizations of what I have done and the hell I have made my life and pray I can overcome this. I love SR it also helped me years ago when I got 30 days clean a few times which besides my ENTIRE pregnanacy I didnt drink or use. SR was super handy during that time and I know will be vital to my recovery now.
So if you made it this far in my novel thankis for reading my babbeling, sorry I have to give my daughter (who I know is up way too late) a bath so no time to speel scheck and I am sure its horrendous b/c I dont even know why I am typing my fingers are just, flying typing my anxiety away, and it has helped so thank you!
What sis anyone do before SR at 11 PM?
Looks like I made it through day 1 no alcohol!!!!!!! Im stoked....<3 (Positive) Dreams