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Big sister put's the pressure on....

Old 05-07-2010, 01:02 PM
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Big sister put's the pressure on....

Hi everyone. I'm needing to get this off my chest.

Just had a visit from my big sister, who decided to have a moan at me about all my failings as a sister!

She is having a charity dance tomorrow night and when I said I didn't think it was a good idea for me to go, she had a real blast at me. I explained that it wasn't a good idea to surround myself with people drinking so early in my sobriety. She said 'for Gods sake, just cos everyone else is drinking doesn't mean you have to'. She said she was sick and tired of me not joining in with social events because of me stopping drinking, when I always started up again....

She said a lot more too....won't go into it all, but basically I've to sort myself out so that I can join in with all her plans and support her. I pointed out that I did go on her charity dog walk last weekend, when I was feeling ill with withdrawals.....she said 'well you didn't die did you?'

When she left, I was upset and a bit tearful, but the great thing was that my husband told me that he was really impressed with me this time...that he could see I am really doing things differently and whereas before, he knew that I would drink again, he also feels it's different this time.

Anyhow, I am trying to see why she is upset with me and understand that having an alcoholic for a sister must be tough on her......because I haven't been there for her much lately.

Normally this would have had me in a real temper and heading to the shop for some wine....but not this time...no way.

Thanks for listening x
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Old 05-07-2010, 01:06 PM
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Yayyy. I am glad to see how well you handled this. These situations will come up for us but staying sober and dealing is the best choice.

I have been irritable and in the past....oh yeah....liquor store here I come. Now I just do my breathing and walk away and address it calmly.

Thankfully we have SR where people understand it!!
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Old 05-07-2010, 01:07 PM
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Hi Stayinfree,

I'm sorry that your sister was hard on you and good for you for staying strong.

What I can tell you, is that I needed to remove some people from my life when I was in early recovery. I had spent my whole life trying to do what was expected of me and I could not do it for even one more day. I had to decide what I would or would not do. Toxic people had to be kicked out of my life. The surprise was, that removing the toxic people opened the door to new and supportive people.
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Old 05-07-2010, 01:13 PM
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Alcoholism isn't something we wish to have, it's forced upon us from whatever which way, it's just who we are. To the masses it is selfish and weak, those who have not experienced can not experience and therefore do not understand.

It is not your sister's fault that you are/were an alcoholic, it's not her fault she doesn't understand, and she does love and care for you, I can only imagine that she is venting her frustration at past exploits. However, not giving you vital support is selfish of her, even if she probably doesn't see it herself.

You say you haven't been there for her much lately, maybe in time she'll realise that you mean it this time and she'll be there for you.

Your husband is good for staying strong and believing in you, you can thank your stars for him being there. Keep proving him and yourself right, and others will come.

The most important part is if you feel that going to the charity dance is detrimental to your recovery DO NOT GO, not for your sister, not for anyone. Do what you think is right, you know best.

Good luck, God bless.
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Old 05-07-2010, 01:26 PM
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I'm so glad you are putting your well being/sobreity
ahead of other peoples rude words....

It's not difficult to raise funds with events
it's difficult to raise anothers spirit
when you refuse to acknowledge their point of view.

for you and your husban
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Old 05-07-2010, 01:35 PM
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Hi StayinFree -I think I'd feel pretty hurt inside, too. It's like telling your best friend "I know you're a shopaholic but you need to go to the mall with me because I wanna shop." I'm sure your sister doesn't know how much those events would affect you. On the other hand, she needs to respect your decisions and that when/if you're ready, you will glady let her know.
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Old 05-07-2010, 01:36 PM
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Family can be so fun.

I would return the amount of support she has shown you and politely decline to attend.
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Old 05-07-2010, 01:42 PM
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Good for you for remaining strong. I have 2 sisters and the relationships are strained. I used to absorb the drama coming from them and internalize it and make it my own. I don't anymore. Your sister has a charity event. God bless her! You don't "have" to go no matter what kind of guilt is dished out at you. Don't let your buttons be pushed. How has she been supporting you during your recovery? 2 way street my friend.

I was always, always a people pleaser and a giver, but the problem was I resented it. I didn't give from the right place. I now choose and pick what I will do and I "try" not to worry about the other's opinion of me because their opinion is none of my business.

You are on a very important path and I would do whatever you know you need to do to stay on it. If it means not going to the charity event then by all means don't go. Whatever you have to do is for your own well being and that's not selfish, that's life saving for you.

Bless your sister and continue to work on your recovery. That's my opinion on it, but its just an opinion.
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Old 05-07-2010, 02:11 PM
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Well, that's a really good newcomer topic for me, not just because we talk about "how do I handle being the only one not drinking" and all that a lot when we are new to being away from drinking, but also because of the deeper issues that come up and are tied to triggers when we over-think and stew about our character, motives, emotions and so on.

For me the idea that came up was the notion of selfishness - how we are/were selfish through drinking and now we are selfish through our mindset based on NOT drinking. It's like a trap to me, something I would want to avoid. Working on not drinking is worth the accusation of selfishness because it is along the lines of the importance of breathing. Who would be called selfish if they didn't want to wear a gas mask every day? The self-oriented priority in staying sober is a good selfish, and that's obvious to a lot of us.

By providing some kind of input to the event, you did what you could manage. I like the interaction between you and your husband, but I would also add that it would be good for you to remember through your own thoughts that you were doing well at managing a life situation with the tools and ability you had within your reach. To me, that needs to be at the top of the list for oneself. The self-esteem does not need to hear you let someone down and turned your nose up at work for your own benefit. We don't fuel addiction by allowing things to endanger our self-esteem, which needs to be like a body part in our mind (you don't let someone hit it or step on it).

Everybody has their own progress report on how they are doing with their sense of generosity and self-love. The reality for people who do not have the experience of addiction is not the only reality there is. They have their self-oriented agenda too for their own good reasons. So we prefer to put the fingers down and not point and get to the next best step in getting something done. In this case, alcohol was avoided for valid and sufficient reasons and contributions were made in lieu of the attendance and any naysaying about it needs to be CLAMMED up.

(Did you hear any pounding on the table?)

That's how I react to this.
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Old 05-07-2010, 02:23 PM
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I got caught in this kind of situation for years...everytime i meant that i was going to stop drinking and i guess for the first 10 times i had the full support and understanding of my family...maybe about the 20th time they had had enough and didn't believe me and had got fed up....this used to drive me nuts...i didnt ask to be an alcoholic and this time im really done and id drink again?!

That was my experience, this time i just completely backed away from everyone and got on getting sober, i had to stop relying on other people, save my sponsor, for approval and a guage to how well i was living...as has been pointed out a non-alcoholic wont understand what is wrong with you...

It might help to jot down what you are doing different this time to all the other times you tried to stop drinking to re-enforce your conviction or to take further action if necessary...

It's funny cos now i am sober i wouldn't ask the people i relied on for approval before whether my jeans went well with my top lol
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Old 05-07-2010, 03:47 PM
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I don;t know anything about the dynamic between your sister and you, but like Anna, I made the choice that my new life would not include people toxic to me - in some cases these were my family.

I'm hard enough on myself without getting it (unfairly) from others close to me.
It's been a healthy choice for me.

I'm glad to see you're making healthy choices too stayinfree

D
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