How I know I'll always be sick
 

I'm currently 33 days dry, and am feeling physically much better for it. I've posted before about the anxiety and panic attacks i used to get, not to mention the self loathing i used to feel. Well, alot of the anxiety is definitely gone, although i do still occasionally harbour worries about my physical health, but nowhere near to the extent that I was having before.

It hasnt been as hard staying dry as I'd thought it'd be. In the beginning, it was the high anxiety that was helping me stay dry, as the anxiety came down, around day 20 or so, I started to get mild cravings, and was occassionally tempted to drink. I was able to over come these by looking at the reasons why my mind was telling me it might be a good idea to drink, and refuting these one by one, based on my previous personal experience of getting pissed. I'm managed to narrow it down to 3 main reasons

1)Drinking helps me to enjoy a particular experience even more/ celebrate
- not true, i end up passing out before the end of a film etc...
- i usually end up hating myself the next day anyway!
2) Drinking helps me to sleep
- definitely not true, i'd pass out, wake out 4-5 hours later in a cold sweat, and not be able to get back to sleep, not to mention all the panic attacks.
3) Drinking helps me to get through a stressful time, because being able to hold my liquor makes me 'hard'
- again not true, drinking doesnt make the problems go away and in fact, is killing me physically.

I enjoy the clarity of mind staying dry has given me, to be able to understand my dysfunctional relationship with alcohol better, and not feel so overwhelmed by it. I also now understand that, even after 33 days of sobriety, or even if i make it to a year, 10 years, whatever, I will never be normal. I was at the grocery store earlier, and passed by the booze section (not intentional!). I caught sight of a small bottle of cider, and felt a brief urge to drink again, which I quickly surpressed. But as I did so, I realised I was getting another thought, that the small bottle wouldnt be enough! This came as quite a shock when I looked back. I've not touched a drop for over thirty days, I've not used any sedatives, am completely dry and my sleep patterns are more or less normal, so I shouldnt technically be physically dependant right? yet despite this, here was my mind telling me that one small bottle wouldnt be enough! Well, in trying to tempt me, my addict mind showed me just how dysfunctional it was. If I still feel like drinking to excess even after 30+ days of sobriety, than I guess I just have to accept that I will NEVER be able to drink normally

So now, I've had to come up with ways to cope with the disordered thoughts fueling my urges.
1) If i'm tempted to celebrate, I 'binge' on something chocolaty. I get the thrill of doing something unhealthy, and I get the same feeling of self loathing the next day i used to get with booze, but with less of a health risk!
2)can't sleep? just stay awake, I get tired enough to fall asleep anyway!
3) need to feel hard? hit the gym!

i guess 1 and 3 are balancing each other out now, but I'll probably have to address the chocolate issue at some point in the future!

Pricey....you know you are my twin right? I was just thinking about watching a movies when I was drinking and passing out always. Also I have felt the passing thought of having a drink when in a restaurant or passing by the booze aisle. I wouldn't buy a small bottle but I would need the "super" handle. Gotta stock up. I just laughed at how sick my mind was but also how I must never become complacent or ho hum in recovery. I am 3 weeks dry and no meds here either.

I am with ya my friend. Still truckin along and doing it one day at a time.

I smile just being sober :)

Thanks, Pricey! You helped me stay sober today, and I'm really grateful for that!:You_Rock_

Hi Pricey. You feelings sound very familiar to mine.

I also tried to examine my feelings when I had cravings, and I realized that if I did take a drink it wasn't to relieve stress or feel strong or be happy. I drank to get drunk. It wasn't always that way, but it is now. I didn't stop after I had a nice buzz. I kept drinking until I "fell asleep on the couch" and "slept" through the movie, etc. I know if I had a drink now it would quickly get right back to that state again. No thanks!

Thanks for your post. It hit home. Stay strong.

Sounds like you are definitely figuring it out Pricey! Good for you!! Thanks for sharing it too because you really do help others and that's so important. :)

I'm glad you are doing what we AA-ers call
"thinking the drink through"

Drinking is not a good idea for anyone!
Never. And you are healing....:yup:

Without med's...by the end of 2 months of AA recovery
I felt back in balance...mentally and physically.

Years later...when health issues came about
they were not related to my past drinking.

I've been dealing with those with a healthier
mind and stronger body.
Sick? No way have I stayed sick!

Keep in focus....you are winning ...Congratulations!
:a122:

To me, being self aware and thinking through my thoughts all the way to their logical conclusion has been a great help at times.

It was something I could never manage to do in all my years of insanity.

I'm glad the first 30 have been ok Pricey - I hope the next 30 will be too :)
D

I love this. :lmao