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Day 1 no Alcohol TODAY

Old 05-07-2010, 04:22 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Scars,Souvineers we never lose
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Exclamation Day 1 no Alcohol TODAY

Hi There, I have been MIA olny came back aroundfor a short while now I pray I am here to stay and its on. I am lucky I lasted as long as I did and didnt die. My alcoholism and drug addisction (ending with shootng anything and everything) nearly killed me several times.

I dont know how I am still alive with a roof over my head, a house that can be cleaned, relationships with my small daughter and husband that can and must be repaired and relationships with real frieds that are in need of repair and a career to get back omn track after simply not going back one day before a major binge I am just now coming out of and in 1 word I can only say I feel lucky!

SR Today, NA Tomorrow NIght, Praying (5 years later, you never know) a girl is still there to at least be my temp sponser and in the meantime a lot of praying and just picking up the peices and trying to move forward instead of backwards. Trying not to slip into my addictive behavour that leads me to drinnk, a minor setback (like a flat tire) that lead me to this last huge binge the last couple of weeks followed by as always, the work opiate wd's ever and now I am sure I will feel a little uncomfortable from stoppiong the alcohol today but if I dont drink I dont even think about going for the pther stuff and would NEVER out a needle in my arm and enjoying the simpliest of facts that its getting reall warm outside here in the South and I can wear SHORT SLEEVES w/out having to hide my nasty, battered arms, if I ever left the house which I also just need to do I have been so reclusive and put so much on my husbands shoulders, he works so very hard for me and my daughter and I have treated him really bad.

But NOW right now I can only look ahead b/c if I start looking back and beating myself up and dwelling on all the I have done while using and ghe choices I made I will never get clean, just depressedm the off for a beer for me. I am trying to use all the tools wasily here for me and KNOW this has to be the last time for myself, and family and young daughter groing upso fast in front of my eyes who now knows whats going on a little too much to hide this from her and to be contintinuing the EXACT SAME pattern of my mothers route in life but I am going to change the ending anf not be a long tern chronic alcoholic, estranged from the family I chose to create, no I will not let some pills and a drink take that away form me.

Its all poison, I am rambling and will be checking in all day. I love this site, it has helped me so much in the past, even more than I have helped myself, so here goes day 1, Ill be drinking water if you need me....LOTS of it
Seriously....thank you in advance I know what I am up against and I am ready take my life back b/c I am mad let it get so out of control, I have the power to do this and with your help I can.
Thank you! Lets go day 1, feeling pretty crappy but I know I will only get better everyday and I am so ready for that!
<3 <3 <3 <3 Dream
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Old 05-07-2010, 04:47 AM
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Good morning, Dream. It's wonderful you've chosen to take your life back, as you put it. The last time I binged I knew it was my last time too - it had to be, I was staring death in the face. My body could no longer come back from the abuse, and I felt I was losing my mind too.

I agree with the looking ahead thing - guilt and remorse for my past behavior kept me drinking long after I was ready to stop. Of course we can never forget where we've been, but we can't stay stuck on yesterday or nothing changes. Congratulations on demanding a better life for yourself and going for it! Proud of you.
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Old 05-07-2010, 05:01 AM
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Congratulations on coming back and yes YOU can do it! There is no doubt about it! Concentrate on the next 24 hours. Make a pledge on the "No quit" thread. Its not an easy road when quitting, but thank God it isn't or we would just keep up the viscous cycle of drinking and quitting often. You are firm and determined and those are great qualities. Its refreshing to read a thread like yours first thing in the morning. Good for you!!!
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Old 05-07-2010, 05:17 AM
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Scars,Souvineers we never lose
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Thumbs up No Quit Thread?

Where is this? I hvae been ALL OVER THIS SITE and dont believe I have ever seen it. Im down to pledge.

Well its about the time I start drinking and I feel extremely paranoid. Paranoid I will get in trouble for the things I used to do or someone will come to take my daughter away (shes at daycare) but I am scared someone is going to take her from there. She has not been neglected but I owuld say ovbiously though this last couple weeks of binging and leaving my HUSBAND to do and hide EVERYTHING and working long hours out in the hot sun, I wouold say her hygeine and bathing is at about 80% of what it used to be so I am afraid someone from her school reported me or something. I know there are probably kids there a lot worse off and I am so sorry for having let her EVEr go 1 day with out a bath and NEVER plan on doing that agian b/c I plan on being sober to do it.

I had spinal fusion surgery almost 2 years ago, and as the old story goes, thats how I got hooked which escaleted to shooting, never thought I would ever do that as I looked so down on it, but it got me and good and alcohol too.

I know this is just paranoia and these thoughts are mainly irrational and have to do with quitting drinking and I usually push them away with meds of pills but since I am no longer doing that I dont know what to think and I am very very scared of these feelings and am trying so hard not to let my actions of late popo into my and and move forward and cant get to an NA meeting un til tomorrow, so until them Ill be here just writing b/c thats what I have to do.

SR got me (and NA, except for my ENTIRE pregnancy) 30 days 3-4 timeds of my entire adult life. I have not done it right, nbever got a sponser quick enoug, never shared enough, never even giot past step 1.

After this bing and compined with my escalated use and shooting I know I am going to die, I am saving my life today.

I am also EXTREMELY hungly like my body needs those beer calories and its 8AM and if a pizza place was open I would order one and eat the whole thing to feel some satisfaction right now. Last night was the first night I made my poor husband and daughter a proper dineer and it was soooo good and I want more! Of Food which I have neglected to eat properly or at all for a couple years now. I used to love cooking (or was at least forcing myself to love it it def. doesnt come naturally to me (liking cooking that is) but like everything else (when sober enough) I am pretty good at doing whatevere I put my mind do and have even done some preatty amazing thing while drunk and high but not nearly as drunk and high as I have been this past year or so.

I guess my body is telling me to eat so I shall go eat. HA I wonder if anyone is going to seriously be reasing all of my lentghty posts today.

Thanks not the point anyway I just need to write this is mmy lifeline for today.
<3 Dreams
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Old 05-07-2010, 06:13 AM
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Welcome back!
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Old 05-07-2010, 08:45 AM
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Welcome back, Dream - you sound so ready to have this craziness be over. Way to go.

Last week during my first few days of sobriety, I ate a ton. Whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Things are starting to settle down now. The paranoid thoughts/anxiety is normal right now too. I hung out here for hours on end, posting and reading, because I afraid to do anything else. It worked for me and I hope you'll be able to do that, too. I know it's hard with a family (I have two children at home myself), but we ARE recovering from an illness, and need to be as kind to ourselves (and a little selfish) as possible.

It really sounds like you're willing to do whatever it takes, and I applaud you!!
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Old 05-07-2010, 09:41 AM
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Scars,Souvineers we never lose
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It sucks I HAVE to an interview right now and jost woke up feel nasty hopefully shower will help. I have to go b/c I can not let the person down who set it up for me and I know I will lose it if I get it if not sober (like the one I just never went back to a couple weeks ago and I am in a pretty high up poisiton in a very tight industry just not to show up to interviews or go back to work.

I know I HAVE to be selfish and put myself first now but I also have to do this then its all me for as long as it takes.
Thanks! <3 Dream!
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