AmericanGirl

At what point is it okay to reach out to a friend with a problem? I don't want to go into specifics except to say this friend has been on extreme benders for months and has left town/may have disappeared forever from my life. No one knows exactly what is going on with him right now, and that scares me. He once asked me to tell his mother he loved her if he died. Intended as sick humor, but you know how that goes . . .

Parts of me think I should say something, parts say don't. I don't want to be preachy or evangelize, especially since we got wasted together so many times. I don't want to jeopardize my own fragile sobriety by opening myself up. I am worried about him, though, and selfishly fear what I will feel if something terrible happens. And part of me tells myself I'm being chicken not to say anything. I sent a vague email saying I hoped he was okay. What I'm wondering about, more, is whether I should specifically get into the mud or even tell him about what I'm doing right now. I'm incredibly conflicted and perhaps someone with distance or experience can help.

yeahgr8

IMO you get solid sobriety for yourself first so you dont contact him, say how great everything is then relapse and give him even more reason to think that change is hopeless...

If he approaches you then recommend him to someone you know in AA for a coffee, if you don't know wnybody who has long term sobriety in real life then see above:-)

Impurrfect

((AmericanGirl)) - I don't know about a friend, but I can tell you about my XABF, who I still considered my friend. I distanced myself from him, as he continued to smoke crack, and I got into recovery. We had no contact, but when he got locked up, I wrote to him. I still cared (yeah, I'm a codie, too). We had a history, his mom had died a couple years before, and I talked about how much I missed her, told him basically what was going on in my life (work, how much clean time I had, that I'd gotten off probation) and that I still loved him (though not IN LOVE with him) and that I truly wished he got his life together. He wrote back, it was mostly "jailhouse talk" and asking for money and when I wrote back that I wouldn't send him money I didn't hear from him again.

I was okay with that. I'd reached out, I kept MY recovery first, and I'd done my best.

I found out, this past Dec., that he died...possible OD. Though I am sad, I know I did what I could. We can't help someone who doesn't want help.

I certainly hope the same thing doesn't happen to your friend, but we all know it's a possibility with any type of addiction. I think that whatever you do, as long as you keep YOUR sobriety first, you'll be okay. I, personally, had to keep a physical distance from my ex. Being f2f was simply too hard.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

AmericanGirl

Impurrfect, thanks, and wow, I am sorry you went through that. I admire your strength.

yeahgr8, you make a good point. I had not thought of that.

It is amazing how just your two posts really made me feel more at peace about this. I need to keep myself first (and I have to accept that it's okay to do so) and for now I think that means I've done plenty just with that vague email and do not need to get into it any further. Thanks, guys.

Rev

I think it's really a struggle between fear of alienating a friend and wondering how we will live with the regret if we do nothing, and they meet disaster. I think it would be good to confront him about the problem, but I wouldn't invest myself in the outcome. You can't control another person's choices, or problems, and right now, YOU need to be your first priority.

Rev

HumbleBee

Hello AG,

Kudos for reaching out to people who have distance from the situation - sometimes we get too emotionally involved in something and we don't have the ability to look at it objectively.

All great advice here about your sobriety being your first priority.

We're not powerful enough to stop someone from drinking and everyone has to find their own way in their own time.

All we can do is live our sober lives to the fullest and perhaps that will inspire others to want what we have.

It takes some practice, but detaching with love has always been my saving grace in situations like this. I'd let him know that you care as you did, but beyond that, focus on yourself and your sobriety.

Doing this is called self-care - it is not selfish.

lilheavy1073

You helped me a lot by posting this. Im in a similar situation. I have 8 months and 3 days clean so I can really relate to you. My dad is out using so what I do to help me help him is distance myself from him. But I pray for him and when on the rare occassin I talk to him I kindly suggestion that he goes to a meeting. But all I can to to help him is for myself to stay clean and to pray for him. I hope this helps you with dealing with your friend.

AmericanGirl

Thanks, everyone, for the advice. The situation came up again today. I heard from him and the subject arrived in conversation organically (I turned down an invitation to hang out--i.e. drink--by explaining I'd quit). I did not pressure him at all but I told him I was getting help and that it was good for me. For the first time, he did not ask why I'd want to quit (or criticize it) but instead was glad for me. He told me a bit more about his situation and I am hopeful that he may also get help. This was by phone. I am not ready to see him in person, because I am keeping myself first, but I just wanted to update everyone.

Anna

I agree that you should focus on yourself. Your concern for someone else is understandable, but it can also jeopardize your situation.

Impurrfect

(((AmericanGirl))) - I'll also add that I still keep in contact with a few people from my past..though they are still doing stuff that I did, they are tremendously supportive and proud of the changes I've made, make comments like "I wish I could be like you and just start life over" and I speak to them ONLY by phone or mail and even that is rare. I just tell them how my life is going, now, see if they're okay. If the conversations were EVER to make me start feeling "icky" I would back off.

I guess I care enough that I want to lead by example, but I also have learned that I've got to take care of me. I still go by my gut feeling, though, and so far, it has never let me down. As long as you can end a conversation, feel good about how you handled it and NOT want to run and grab a drink? I think you'll be just fine.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

vegibean

I think everything was summed up well in the first three posts by yeahgr8, Impurrfect and yourself.

This is how I feel when it comes to recovery and especially early recovery, we can only save ourselves and this is our time to get ourselves better before all else.