Oddman

When I'm sober I want to drink. When I drink, I wish I was sober.

I think I'm starting to grasp this concept of insanity. I was standing in my house last night, already 14 beers deep. I looked around. We did it! We own a house. Our two beautiful girls are fast asleep. My wife is at school for another hour, at the very least. I'm drunk. I don't need another beer. Walk into the garage. $13.99 for 30 Natty lights. What a great deal. Called the Natty Pack. Creative huh? it's $4 more for an extra 12 beers, after all, I am a math teacher! get another beer, their not in the fridge, they could be found there. They are still cool, but definitely not cold. I like it better that way. I can finish the 12 ounces in 3 "sips" (chugs). So what did that 15th, and then 16th beer do for me? Made me eat more peanut butter, I have the feeling this is the best masking agent for beer. Wife will ask, "More peanut butter huh?" Yeah, I have a sweet tooth tonight. Don't think it got me drunker, just wanted it. I go back to the TV, another 45 minutes of alone TV time till she gets home. I have several Interventions recorded on the DVR. I start the one about the alcoholic. I don't like the drug ones, I don't use drugs, but man can I drink!!

The kid has had his brother and sister die of a heroin overdose, he's using too. He drinks a few shots in the morning (eye openers). My god, I'm not that bad. I watch until something resonates within me. Found it, the way he just drank that beer. That's how I do it too. Quick. I should go get another one. Show's over. Now watch cartoons, love it, especially when I'm drunk and the dog and baby on Family Guy are getting drunk, eating feces in a locked bank safe. My god, my students watch this crap. I'm cracking up...uh oh, wife's home. Time to act normal. Man I wish I was sober!! I'll post something tomorrow.

"You have beer? You're acting funny."

"No. I'm just exhausted. A new House is on, wanna watch it?"

Please don't look in the bottom of the trash can. Or outside in the recycling bin. Thank god tomorrow is trash day. I'll be saved. Gotta remember to put the remaining "Natty Pack" in the car in morning. Can't leave it in the garage.

Fastforward to this morning. Got the Natty Pack in the car. Feeling of relief that at 3:02 this afternoon I can pound a couple after the students leave. I would mildly panic if I didn't have this option, but since I do, everythings OK. I have every intention of finishing the beers today. Sickening.

Rewind, three nights ago. Woke up about 1:30 am. My chest was tight. It felt like I had swallowed a bite of food without chewing well enough. Went into the restroom. Took some deep breaths, drank some water. Felt better. Was able to fall back asleep. There are at least 3 beers left in the car. I can have those tomorrow. But then I'll need to get more. I was wrong, there was only one left. Wow, that means I had 11 last night. Thought it was only 9....

I need help. I have been sober since 6:15 this morning. Only because I have to be at work in front of my students. If I was at home I would be drinking. Only 4 1/2 more hours until school's out, and my cycle will continue. After three or four I will start kicking myself (often times literally) as to why I drank again. I'll help my 7 year old with her homework. I'll make dinner for everyone. Wife is home Tuesday nights. Sneak off to garage while she gives baths. Eat a scoop of peanut butter. As I write this I am actually excited about this plan. This is sick! I will then be drunk (not noticeably enough to cause trouble with the wife) and then come to the forum again and post comments like "how did this happen again" and "why do I keep doing this?" If I just read the message above I will see the answer. But why can't I stop?

When I'm sober I want to drink. When I'm drunk I want to be sober.....

suki44883

No, it doesn't have to be what is commonly thought of as a "bottom." It wasn't for me, even though alcohol had caused me some legal problems in the past, but I continued to drink for another couple of years before I decided I'd had enough. Once I decided I was done, I sent an email to work telling them I was checking myself into a hospital for an alcohol problem and then I did. At that point, I didn't care if that meant I would lose my job. The most important thing to me was getting and staying sober. Next month will be my 2 year sober anniversary. You can do it, too.

CAPTAINZING2000

your first line insanity is correct. I can recall the drunken nights of saying just one more beer, I'll leave the bar.

It is a merry go round that, can seem impossible to get off of. Except for this pattern you seem stuck in, has your drinking caused serious consequences yet?
You'll know how far down the scale you're going if, you keep lowering the bar as to how far you'll let it take you. I could look down the end of any bar and tell myself, I ever get as bad as that guy, I'll quit drinking until one day, I had become that guy!

NEOMARXIST

Hey Oddman. The simple answer as to "why can't I stop?" is because you're probably an alcoholic.

Sounds like you are quite deep in the grip of booze. I was a total binge-drinker but I knew I had to stop before i got into the progression of 24/7 daily drinking. I can appreciate how when you're not in the drunk it seems real crappy ,but then when you're in the drunk then you are contented, at least for a brief moment. So you have to stay away from the first beer or else you want the drunk again. It's a game that can only be beaten by not playing. That's the case for this alcoholic anyway.

You raise a good point about what the 15/16th beer did for you. I remember always feeling as if something magical was gonna happen on that next beer or something, but all that happened was I would just be waking up from passing out after blacking out.

I bet your wife is aware you're drinking too, probably your children too if they are old enough. The only person you're probably fooling is yourself. Booze stinks on peoples breath, even after peanut butter. I realise that now in sobriety. I must have stunk of booze for a good day or two afterwards from a really heavy bender. Mindyou I got too drunk, too quickly to be able to hold a conversation, let alone pretend I hadn't been drinking. I wasn't even fooling myself!

Only you can get yourself out of the vicous cycle of active alcoholism, if you want to that is.

All The best.

flutter

Wow can I identify with a lot of what you wrote. Your peanut butter is equal to my Fritos. (Neither one hide the smell though).

The curious thing about 'bottoms' is that they are entirely preventable. A lot of people meet the death bottom before the other stereotypical bottoms like DUI, illness, job loss, divorce.

Take a moment to read the Friends/Family forum, might give you a good idea of how a lot of spouses end up having to deal with us. There is lots of talk about divorce, custody hearings, restraining orders, and sometimes prison and death.

I remember shortly after I got sober, my dog (she is my baby) got suddenly ill at about 12am and I hd to drive her about 20 miles from here to an emergency Vet. If I had been drunk, as I would have been before I quit, would I have driven drunk? Or not heard her cries because I was passed out? Who knows. Now that I have a baby, I cannot for the life of me imagine purposefully rendering myself incapable of providing the best care and safest environment possible.

I hope soon you decide that sobriety is better than a drink, you don't have to lose anything to truky achieve it.

flutter

truly*

lol.. tried to type that from my phone while rocking said baby

Stayinfree

Hi Oddman
Welcome, you've come to the right place to find the answers you need.

Thanks for your post, I've been where you're at far too many times to count. As far as bottoms go, as everyone else will tell you, you don't have to wait until you've lost anything or everything.....losing our mind, our self respect, our integrity, can be far enough of a bottom for us...it certainly is for me.

Hope you find what you need here.

kyb5

Wow you described me almost exactly. Everything from the drinking in the garage to having to get all the empties and extras out in the morning. Peanut butter (mine was peanuts) to the, got so much time until the wife gets home. I was the same way, not needing the 10, 11, 12th beer, just wanted it. All it did was make me blackout and not be able to remember anything the next morning. Hated the constant scrutiny and strange looks I got from my wife.

I just got tired of it all. The sneaking around, worrying if I'd get caught. And it was driving a huge wedge between me and my wife, not to mention my 3 kids. I was very selfish when I drank. Didn't want to do anything with my kids unless it was playing ball out in the street where I could duck in and have a few gulps of beer.

So you're not alone. You have to get to the point where you want to be sober more than you want to drink. It's hard and it sucks but it's worth it. I'm only on day 12 but IT IS WORTH IT.

Good luck to you. This is a great place to vent and post to work stuff out. Lots of awesome people who've gone before us with great advice. Hope you keep coming back.

Richard54

Peanut butter?
Wow, never heard of that one before. I used to chew mouthfuls of rolaids. Bought them in the jumbo bottles. Kept one in the glove box of the truck and one in the bathroom.
Don't fool yourself. Your wife is probably well aware that you're wasted.
Your kids probably are also. Your students are likely 'wtf is up with this guy?'
Yeah it's insanity man.
I hope you can get it together before the ultimate bottom. It sounds like you've got a good life going for yourself if you can only get it together.

CAPTAINZING2000

The hardest thing is to admit, you have no control over the alcohol, it controls you.
Alcohol leaves us lying in gutters believing we can drink. Getting honest is the one sure way to get this under control. I had to admit defeat surrender accept I couldn't drink like a so called normal person and take the necessary steps to stop drinking.

You don't have to wake up in jail cells or rehabs like many of us have had to do to say enough.

Peter G

This may or may not be an appropriate response, but from reading your post I find so many similarities to my life "before the descent", I have to say something.

Cannot begin to offer any "how to" advice my friend, I'm only into my 10th sober day now. But I can very much relate to your post. 5 years ago I was in your position, able to function respectively, able to fool myself into believing I was fooling my loved ones, and able to hold down a high stress job and thrive, while drinking 15 -25 beers/highballs per day. Somehow back then, I still remained the "go to" guy in my profession and extremely dependable.

Here's the kicker. 5 years later, and from my life-long tap dance along the cliffs I eventually fell over the edge and hit the infamous "bottom". After all, these rocks we dance on are slippery. Within 5 years I quickly became an all day, every day drinker, graduated from anything resembling a beer/highball to straight Vodka, JD, or anything else I could get my hands on. My wife/son/job/health/reputation, they couldn't compete with my disease - even though I cherished them with all my heart, they didn't stand a chance. I lost heaps of money, wound up in a hospital with a shattered shoulder - along with a discovery that my long term alcohol abuse had given me Osteoporosis (I was 37 at the time). And believe me when I say it just got worse from there.

You, my friend, are me 5 years ago, almost verbatim. My bottom came and bit me in the a$$ so hard I lost any semblance of my former self - and you will be surprised how quickly you can lose yourself, when you dance with the demons we entertain every day. Plainly, in the end I just wanted nothing but to be drunk.

Will you end up like that, or perhaps worse? Maybe. Maybe not, but for one moment right now, shake your head clear enough to see just what you still have in your life. These are the same things many of us have had to forfeit long ago in order to continue drinking. Is there 1 bottle of anything, anywhere worth even the slightest possibility of losing that which you truly love?

You don't have to get to the levels of depravity I and others here have, and I don't believe that people NEED to hit a bottom to recognize and treat their disease. It took one moment of clarity for me, 10 days ago, when for the 2nd time in as many months I thought for sure I was about to die. Finally, somehow, I saw past the drink to what my life had become as its' result, and it scared me sober quicker than a bullet. I guess that was my bottom. You can stop the insanity now in your own life and avoid the worst parts of this bloody condition, with an acceptance of your problem, and then by actively seeking the help you need to start the healing process.

It looks like you are well on your way there and that is a clarity that doesn't always last.

You obviously recognize the problem and can identify the insanity. That was my step 1. Trust me when I say the next steps to quitting (or dropping dead) are not lessons easily nor painlessly learned.

In the end it's your decision, but this board and the wonderful people here are an excellent starting point to ending the madness.



My .02

Washburn

I wouldn't wait for a bottom to hit. If you realize you have a problem now, try and face it head on with LoG blazing in the background. Better Yet Meshuggah or Slayer.

Think about how you would feel if you wife and kid left you...Thats was bottom will feel like, don't wait for that to happen. Tough love from one metal head to another!

Stay strong!!

least

thanks Cap'n

Dee74

Oddman, there's so much good advice here, I can't add anything - except to say - please do something - AA counselling, rehab - whatever action it takes for you to definitively break this cycle.

I was you once too - it gets worse...much worse, man.
D

artsoul

Captain has a great point about how we keep lowering the bar on how far we'll go before we'll stop. The first time I got sober, I had been drinking a 6-pack a day for maybe 6 months or so. A week ago, I was happy if I only had one bottle of wine or 8 cold ones. Some people go way past that, but everyone here is right: It only gets worse until we deal with it. I can relate to everything you said (sneaking, worrying, planning, and getting excited about having that next drink). Especially trying to act sober when I'm drinking. Neo's comment really rings a bell, too It's all an illusion, ya know? Just a few days into sobriety, I'm already beginning to see how it wasn't just feeling good after having a couple drinks - totally ran my life.

Your honesty really helped me tonight. I hope you'll keep reading and posting cuz people here really do care and understand. You've made the first step by saying you need help and reaching out.

Anna

I hope that you do whatever it takes to stop drinking and to recover.

Lenina

Oddman,

Not much I can add but I really recommend you see your doctor. Could be that feeling you had in your chest was an anxiety attack or something more serious. Pay attention.

Love,

Lenina

1_day@_a_time

a mental obsession coupled by a physical allergy.........

I found as many have, hitting bottom is paramount.