I'm stupid
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 26
I'm stupid
I'm stupid I'm stupid I'm stupid - I can't just have a couple of drinks - I can't control it - back to day one yet again!!! What is the matter with me - I love the way that sober feels - I love waking up with no hangover - I hate feeling like this - it is making my life pass me by. HAVE TO STOP. Got a night out on Friday that I cannot avoid. Can't just have a couple will mean that I wake up hating myself again. I have a problem, I am an alcoholic - I just want it to all go away. Why can't I just be normal and get rid of this stupid horrible obsession. I know i can't stop when I start so why do I do it??? Why can't I just do this - why do I keep doing this to myself?? Stupid stupid me!!
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 174
Mate it was easy for me to say that I was an alcoholic. "Oh I'm an alcoholic but I'm sure I'm strong enough to control my drinking" I would lie to myself.
The hardest part for me was the ACCEPTANCE that I was an alcoholic and that drink just wasn't for me - ever. There was no more thoughts of "I'm sure if I stay off booze for a while and then go back things will be fine", I was an alcoholic and would always drink like an alcoholic.
And you're not stupid, stupid is doing this to yourself and not doing something about it. Don't bother drinking on Friday - you know how the story ends. Get to AA if you can and I think you'll be surprised at how similar you are to a lot of people. It's hard being an alcoholic around 'normal' drinkers, it's easy being yourself around other alcoholics.
Good luck mate.
The hardest part for me was the ACCEPTANCE that I was an alcoholic and that drink just wasn't for me - ever. There was no more thoughts of "I'm sure if I stay off booze for a while and then go back things will be fine", I was an alcoholic and would always drink like an alcoholic.
And you're not stupid, stupid is doing this to yourself and not doing something about it. Don't bother drinking on Friday - you know how the story ends. Get to AA if you can and I think you'll be surprised at how similar you are to a lot of people. It's hard being an alcoholic around 'normal' drinkers, it's easy being yourself around other alcoholics.
Good luck mate.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
I think you're addicted - not stupid 
But you have to believe there's another way to live your life - there's nothing preordained that says you have to drink on Friday - not if you don't want to.
I used to find myself in similar situations - for years I'd swear I was done - one friend visiting, one phone call even - and I was back in the cycle.
Until the desire to quit over rode all other considerations? I was the proverbial one legged duck swimming in circles.
Would you consider some face to face support back up like AA or some other recovery plan?
D
But you have to believe there's another way to live your life - there's nothing preordained that says you have to drink on Friday - not if you don't want to.
I used to find myself in similar situations - for years I'd swear I was done - one friend visiting, one phone call even - and I was back in the cycle.
Until the desire to quit over rode all other considerations? I was the proverbial one legged duck swimming in circles.
Would you consider some face to face support back up like AA or some other recovery plan?
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 26
Thanks - I'm not sure about AA at all - I am terrified that I would see someone that I know. I know that they would be in the same situation but i just can't face anyone yet!! If I can just get through one whole weekend it would set me on the way.
I really don't understand why it is so hard to get rid of this. I am going to have to focus and become more determined - summer without sitting in a pub garden, Christmas without wine with Christmas dinner. Then would have long summer days without a hangover and the anxiety and fear - clear head on boxing day without being asleep by 7pm drunk.
Will read some of the big book and see if that can help me. I know that i can't just have a couple, but can I cut this out of my life?
Dreading this Friday - have a night out - can I do it without drinking? Wake up without the dread and anxiety - that sounds good. I bet I am just to weak though.
I really don't understand why it is so hard to get rid of this. I am going to have to focus and become more determined - summer without sitting in a pub garden, Christmas without wine with Christmas dinner. Then would have long summer days without a hangover and the anxiety and fear - clear head on boxing day without being asleep by 7pm drunk.
Will read some of the big book and see if that can help me. I know that i can't just have a couple, but can I cut this out of my life?
Dreading this Friday - have a night out - can I do it without drinking? Wake up without the dread and anxiety - that sounds good. I bet I am just to weak though.
Persevere, Never give up!
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
Posts: 882
If you had good friends and family that cared about you, you should just be able to say, I am not drinking tonight I have an alcohol problem. Otherwise if u cant avoid friday, do what most people do say you are a designated driver, no drinking tonight! and if your friends can't support you, they are not friends!!!!! Don't call yourself stupid, you must think positive thoughts in order to be positive.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 26
I do think that my friends would support me - i just don't want to tell them, I can't avoid Friday as friends are off to Oz for 4 years. I just feel completely and utterly alone - I am sick and tired of having this same cycle over and over again, then I seem to get it in my head that I can control it and have a couple of drinks, but this never ever happens.
My other half does not think that I have a problem and I don't need to give up drinking, I know that I do but I just have to strengthen my will. I'm not ready to talk to people face to face in an AA situation - I feel completely ashamed that I can't control myself. i don't understand myself anymore. I have downloaded some worksheets from the 12 steps - maybe if i can understand myself a little better i can get past this.
Thanks for your thoughts all, it does help, now I need to help myself.
My other half does not think that I have a problem and I don't need to give up drinking, I know that I do but I just have to strengthen my will. I'm not ready to talk to people face to face in an AA situation - I feel completely ashamed that I can't control myself. i don't understand myself anymore. I have downloaded some worksheets from the 12 steps - maybe if i can understand myself a little better i can get past this.
Thanks for your thoughts all, it does help, now I need to help myself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: canada
Posts: 84
Hi John, Because I don't want to tell anyone I know, I feel the same way as you, alone. Part of me wants to tell my husband, but I think he would feel betrayed and freak out if he knew how much lying and sneaking I have done by having this problem and hiding it... I hope you find the strength to change and get healthy! Good luck.
Snarf Snarf
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: ATL
Posts: 835
Originally Posted by john0000 
Thanks - I'm not sure about AA at all - I am terrified that I would see someone that I know. I know that they would be in the same situation but i just can't face anyone yet!! If I can just get through one whole weekend it would set me on the way.
I really don't understand why it is so hard to get rid of this. I am going to have to focus and become more determined - summer without sitting in a pub garden, Christmas without wine with Christmas dinner. Then would have long summer days without a hangover and the anxiety and fear - clear head on boxing day without being asleep by 7pm drunk.
Will read some of the big book and see if that can help me. I know that i can't just have a couple, but can I cut this out of my life?
Dreading this Friday - have a night out - can I do it without drinking? Wake up without the dread and anxiety - that sounds good. I bet I am just to weak though.
I really don't understand why it is so hard to get rid of this. I am going to have to focus and become more determined - summer without sitting in a pub garden, Christmas without wine with Christmas dinner. Then would have long summer days without a hangover and the anxiety and fear - clear head on boxing day without being asleep by 7pm drunk.
Will read some of the big book and see if that can help me. I know that i can't just have a couple, but can I cut this out of my life?
Dreading this Friday - have a night out - can I do it without drinking? Wake up without the dread and anxiety - that sounds good. I bet I am just to weak though.
Worrying about Friday night will cause you anxiety. Don't stress yourself out being concerned about an event that is 3 whole days away. Just focus on not drinking today. Do the same tomorrow. And Thursday. And on Friday, promise yourself (not someone else) that you will not drink. And keep that promise to yourself.
Good luck to you. Don't beat yourself up; just make today a good day.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 26
Hi mayson, I kind of wish that my other half would shout scream and freak out and tell me I have to stop. Instead he buys me a bottle of wine and says there is no issue. You are here anyways so maybe we can do it together!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 26
Snarf i think you are right and I have to start thinking and taking it one day at a time, I thought that would never work, but am now starting to think this is the only way that it will work.
It would be so good to be here in a weeks time with 8 days sober.
Today I am not going to drink!!
It would be so good to be here in a weeks time with 8 days sober.
Today I am not going to drink!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 32
I didn't tell anyone when I decided to get sober. No one really knew I had a problem (I was very secretive toward the end). I wasn't sure if I would stay sober or take to AA again, so I just told my husband I was going to "have coffee with some new friends". After I got a little more rooted in the program and connected with some people, I finally told him. He said, "Whatever you need, just let me know". He's been supportive ever since. He didn't seem surprised, so maybe he knew more than I thought.
As far as your drinking problem, you have to be ready to get sober. If you haven't had consequences to drinking alcoholically, I'm sad to say, they're coming. If you have had consequences, they are going to get worse. This is what happened to me. I lived in terror of what was next. Waking up full of remorse, shame, and regret. I just couldn't live with alcohol and living without it was terrifying. But it brought me to my knees.
I thank my Higher Power every day for a recovery community where I can heal and grow. I've heard in meetings "I can drink anytime I want to [not that one should once their sober], but I don't have to anymore."
Sometimes just praying for the willingness to have the willingness to get sober is a good start. Just try not drinking today. Don't worry about Friday. Just deal with today.
As far as your drinking problem, you have to be ready to get sober. If you haven't had consequences to drinking alcoholically, I'm sad to say, they're coming. If you have had consequences, they are going to get worse. This is what happened to me. I lived in terror of what was next. Waking up full of remorse, shame, and regret. I just couldn't live with alcohol and living without it was terrifying. But it brought me to my knees.
I thank my Higher Power every day for a recovery community where I can heal and grow. I've heard in meetings "I can drink anytime I want to [not that one should once their sober], but I don't have to anymore."
Sometimes just praying for the willingness to have the willingness to get sober is a good start. Just try not drinking today. Don't worry about Friday. Just deal with today.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Not stupid, just addicted like Dee said.
I suffer from an obsession of the mind, physical craving and spiritual weakness from my DOC.
Saying and accepting your an alcoholic can be the easiest part for some.
But doing something about it and keeping it fresh in your mind at all times is harder for me.
I can tell you all day I am an addict and know it to be true. Know I cant do it anymore. But until I do something about that obsession to use. I am screwed.
I cant do it alone.
I suffer from an obsession of the mind, physical craving and spiritual weakness from my DOC.
Saying and accepting your an alcoholic can be the easiest part for some.
But doing something about it and keeping it fresh in your mind at all times is harder for me.
I can tell you all day I am an addict and know it to be true. Know I cant do it anymore. But until I do something about that obsession to use. I am screwed.
I cant do it alone.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 26
In all honesty I am terrified that i will never be able to beat this. My drinking does have consequences - the main one being that I have a hangover at the weekend, I have a two year old son whom I love to bits and want to stop this for him. As I have been reading it is only going to get worse so I need to stop this before I become an embarasment to him and miss out on these years. I am 35 and have been drinking heavily for the last 10 years. My life is passing me by, why would I want to drink so much alcohol that I can't remember anything, 6,7,8 years ago this was why I drank for the relief of darkness - now I don't want that anymore.
Today is the 5th anniversary of my brothers death - head on car crash - the day before his 34th birthday. Life is so short - too short to waste - I have to beat this before it beats me.
I have been reading the posts on children of alcoholic parents, I don't want him to feel like this. A lot of my problems stem from my childhood and this is something that i will eventually have to face and maybe have some counselling - an idea I keep toying with.
For now I will be a good person today, I will be a better person tomorrow and i will not drink.
Today is the 5th anniversary of my brothers death - head on car crash - the day before his 34th birthday. Life is so short - too short to waste - I have to beat this before it beats me.
I have been reading the posts on children of alcoholic parents, I don't want him to feel like this. A lot of my problems stem from my childhood and this is something that i will eventually have to face and maybe have some counselling - an idea I keep toying with.
For now I will be a good person today, I will be a better person tomorrow and i will not drink.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 32
John, I know it feels hopeless, but the cool thing is, it's not. There is a solution. All you need is honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness (not willpower, willingness).
I have a 25 year old daughter, in addition to my young sons that I have now (4 and 15 months). My daughter had to grow up with my alcoholism. Her father is also an alcoholic and I left him because he drank so much and was abusive. I swore I would not raise my child around an alcoholic.
I started drinking after the divorce and it quickly escalated. I won't get into all the gory details, but as a result of my drinking, she saw and experienced things that no child should. She has all her memories of me at my worst. That I was a good parent part of the time is overshadowed by all the times I went into rages after drinking, fell apart emotionally after drinking, didn't come home when I said I would after drinking, put my boyfriends before her after drinking. It goes on and on.
She is in Al-Anon now and is grateful I am in recovery. But she still suffers from the memories and the consequences of a childhood with 2 alcoholics. She could never escape it. Can you imagine being the child of an alcoholic, the helplessness and hopelessness of a child? My heart is broken by what I've done and how it has affected her. At times, she gets angry at me for the past, which is understandable. I'm hoping with both of us in recovery for our respective diseases (alcoholism is a family disease), we can continue to grow and heal. Sadly, her father relapsed recently after having 90 days of sobriety after going to treatment.
If we continue to drink, we have no choice but to do this to our children. That is one of the reasons I decided to get sober. I wasn't going to do this to our 2 young boys too. My prayer for you is that, at some point, you will decide to step out into the light and choose recovery for yourself. You would save yourself and your family years of heartbreak and consequences.
Incidentally, my oldest son was 2 1/2 when I got sober. But I didn't do it for him. I had to do it for me, because I wanted a peaceful life. I wanted to be free. And there is freedom. When you're willing. I have never regretted getting sober.
I have a 25 year old daughter, in addition to my young sons that I have now (4 and 15 months). My daughter had to grow up with my alcoholism. Her father is also an alcoholic and I left him because he drank so much and was abusive. I swore I would not raise my child around an alcoholic.
I started drinking after the divorce and it quickly escalated. I won't get into all the gory details, but as a result of my drinking, she saw and experienced things that no child should. She has all her memories of me at my worst. That I was a good parent part of the time is overshadowed by all the times I went into rages after drinking, fell apart emotionally after drinking, didn't come home when I said I would after drinking, put my boyfriends before her after drinking. It goes on and on.
She is in Al-Anon now and is grateful I am in recovery. But she still suffers from the memories and the consequences of a childhood with 2 alcoholics. She could never escape it. Can you imagine being the child of an alcoholic, the helplessness and hopelessness of a child? My heart is broken by what I've done and how it has affected her. At times, she gets angry at me for the past, which is understandable. I'm hoping with both of us in recovery for our respective diseases (alcoholism is a family disease), we can continue to grow and heal. Sadly, her father relapsed recently after having 90 days of sobriety after going to treatment.
If we continue to drink, we have no choice but to do this to our children. That is one of the reasons I decided to get sober. I wasn't going to do this to our 2 young boys too. My prayer for you is that, at some point, you will decide to step out into the light and choose recovery for yourself. You would save yourself and your family years of heartbreak and consequences.
Incidentally, my oldest son was 2 1/2 when I got sober. But I didn't do it for him. I had to do it for me, because I wanted a peaceful life. I wanted to be free. And there is freedom. When you're willing. I have never regretted getting sober.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Pasadena, CA
Posts: 1,539
I CAN NOT CONTROL MY DRINKING, AND I AM NOT ASHAMED!
I am happy to say, self will, control, etc does not work.
I found it is about surrender and realizing, once and for all, my way never did work.
Perhaps you will find your path to be happy, not want to drink and start recovering.
I am happy to say, self will, control, etc does not work.
I found it is about surrender and realizing, once and for all, my way never did work.
Perhaps you will find your path to be happy, not want to drink and start recovering.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 26
Thank you Beautiful life. I do want a peaceful and happy life and to be in control and no longer feel that sinking feeling when I wake up in the morning. Freedom sounds so good to me. I want to do this, i don't want another day one and I certainly don't want my son to feel helpless or hopeless. Thank you for your words.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
You can't control it. You can't stop at 1 drink. You are not a failure. You are an alcoholic. We on SR are all alcoholics or addicts of some sort and we have the same problem. Not everyone is comfortable with a label and so if the label of alcoholic doesn't work for you then find something else to call it, but do not call yourself stupid. If you are stupid then the rest of SR is also.
The first thing I did to quit drinking was find SR. I then posted here everyday. I pledged and still pledge on the "Don't Quit" thread. I post gratitude everyday. I changed my lifestyle in order to get past cravings. I read a lot and try to volunteer so I don't get caught up in my ego.
I also promised this and still live by it "I will not drink and I will exhaust every means possible in recovery." If SR suddenly isn't enough for me then I have vowed to try another means. You can't give up.
Every day I would wake up and say I wasn't going to drink today. I was really strong until 4 pm and then would pour that first glass of wine and continue until I either passed out or ended up in a bad argument with my husband over something I wouldn't even remember the next day. This went on for years. I wasn't stupid, but I hadn't surrendered to the fact that alcohol was not something I could control.
You will do it, but you have to find the right recovery format for yourself. Don't give up. Don't ever give up. You are worth it.
The first thing I did to quit drinking was find SR. I then posted here everyday. I pledged and still pledge on the "Don't Quit" thread. I post gratitude everyday. I changed my lifestyle in order to get past cravings. I read a lot and try to volunteer so I don't get caught up in my ego.
I also promised this and still live by it "I will not drink and I will exhaust every means possible in recovery." If SR suddenly isn't enough for me then I have vowed to try another means. You can't give up.
Every day I would wake up and say I wasn't going to drink today. I was really strong until 4 pm and then would pour that first glass of wine and continue until I either passed out or ended up in a bad argument with my husband over something I wouldn't even remember the next day. This went on for years. I wasn't stupid, but I hadn't surrendered to the fact that alcohol was not something I could control.
You will do it, but you have to find the right recovery format for yourself. Don't give up. Don't ever give up. You are worth it.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I know where you're at, John, and I'll bet 99% of the folks on SR do too. If you're stupid, we all are. There are so many wonderful, intelligent people here, who have also tried and failed to find a way to control their drinking. Not just once, but for years on end. In AA they call this disease "Baffling and Powerful." I love that word "baffling" because it describes exactly the way I felt when I woke up after another episode of drinking.
Hanging out at SR has really helped me alot. There's a gazillion posts just like my own and I kept reading until I was thoroughly convinced I was not going to be able to beat this in any way, shape or fashion.
You can do this. :ghug3
Hanging out at SR has really helped me alot. There's a gazillion posts just like my own and I kept reading until I was thoroughly convinced I was not going to be able to beat this in any way, shape or fashion.
You can do this. :ghug3
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