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Old 05-20-2010, 06:15 AM
  # 401 (permalink)  
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hi dkay - sending positive energy, prayers, healing brain waves, hugs....
I'm sorry things have been hard. I don't think getting sober is any little feat. I feel like I've had to make it almost an obsession in order to get through the first few weeks (hanging on to SR). I know it's hard to imagine how our lives will get "fixed." But try not to get too far out ahead of yourself right now - just focus on today. I've had to keep my life and thinking as simple as possible in order to not feel overwhelmed. You've gotten through the worst part, so hang in there!

Hi Draciack and Crow - Always good to see/read you're doing well. Have a FANTASTIC day, both of you. :ghug3

Porkchopped - Thanks for the post. I love getting new thoughts and insight again. Nothing huge, but it feels great. It's like I've plugged myself back in. The signal isn't 100% yet, but I now have hope. Have a wonderful Thursday!:ghug3

KEEP GOING ODAAT, MAYFLOWERS! Imagine that nasty alcohol demon becoming a wimpy little punk and let's kick its a**........
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Old 05-20-2010, 06:34 AM
  # 402 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by BobGT View Post
I have enough sober days now that the argument doesn't work anymore. But it is amazing how devious that AV can be. As I have mentioned before, I now view the voice as "not me," but where it comes from I don't know. And I guess it doesn't really matter what the source is. I'm hoping it will run out of arguments or at least quiet down as my sober time increases.
I can relate. It's like I had two voices inside and I thought they were both me, but they're not. The more I fed it, the louder the AV got, to the point where I could hardly hear the other voice inside, the real me. I was surprised, actually, to discover it was still there waiting for me once I stopped listening to the AV.
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Old 05-20-2010, 06:40 AM
  # 403 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Norther View Post
Day 17 here. I am finding my life pleasingly dull. Does that make sense? I was thinking this morning about all the work I used to put just into hiding and disposing of my bottles. I am grateful to be free of that, and of so much else connected with drinking. A little dulness is welcome by comparison.
Pleasingly dull - I like that. Maybe that's a version of inner peace? I'll take anything rather than the endless chaos of alcohol....... Have a great day Norther!
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Old 05-20-2010, 06:49 AM
  # 404 (permalink)  
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Good Morning everyone! On day # 17 here. Still an emotional train wreck but that has alot to do with going through a separation that I'm kinda hung in the middle and no decisions or efforts have been made either way. The physical pain is back and is not helping matters.. hopefully something soon will give and I can be back on my way to happiness. I think that when I was on the meds. it made it easier to cope with life, even though life wasn't exactly what I wanted it to be, but now it's becoming too much too handle with all the responsibilities that I already have.
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Old 05-20-2010, 07:50 AM
  # 405 (permalink)  
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good morning! Still not drinking, Day 4, feeling good.
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Old 05-20-2010, 08:06 AM
  # 406 (permalink)  
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Today= Day one. Again.
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Old 05-20-2010, 08:35 AM
  # 407 (permalink)  
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Welcome newcomers! Jump aboard our wagon! I'm feeling really good today, no cravings, I haven't even eaten too much. Today has been a SUPER day, I'm enjoying it. I'm a NON-DRINKER now, and I like that.
Let's all keep going forward, and for those who didn't have a great day like I did, pick yourselves up and get back aboard, we're all cheering for you, you can do it today.
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Old 05-20-2010, 01:58 PM
  # 408 (permalink)  
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Day 4...doing well
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Old 05-20-2010, 02:06 PM
  # 409 (permalink)  
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Morning of day 6 already

Husband home, actual good night sleep if still somewhat disturbed , heavy dreaming but sober. Both me and Hubby.

We are onto a winner I feel.

Today it rains outside and it's a great day to just stay indoors with nice woodfire and enjoy a first day sober together in a long time and you know what? It's good.

We both began hating being together being drunk, how's that for being stupid?
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Old 05-20-2010, 08:42 PM
  # 410 (permalink)  
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Howdy, MayFlowers, glad to see people doing so well. Just reading other people's posts is an inspiration to stay sober.

Sleepie, stick with it and keep posting. We're here for you.

On my side, I went to my second AA meeting tonight and definitely see the value of attending meetings consistently, if for no other reason than to meet some sober people. The topic revolved around people who relapsed, including constant relapsers and others who have had years of sobriety and relapsed. Scary stuff but in this case I think the fear is helpful; it keeps me grounded and focused on one day at a time.

But I had an idea. On a recent episode of How I Met Your Mother, the protagonist reveals that every time he breaks up with a girl, he writes himself a letter detailing why the relationship didn't work. Any time he thinks of getting back with the girl, he reads the letter and reminds himself why he broke up with her in the first place. That's a useful practice for sobriety too. Metaphorically, alcohol became my significant other--it was always there for me, in good times and in bad, and satisfied so many emotional needs. In the future, it's possible I'll forget just how bad it was and think about getting back together with alcohol so to speak. Hence, the letter will remind myself why I can never drink again and just how bad things were before sobriety. It will be a safeguard and hopefully be one of many things--like going to meetings and SR--that prevent a tumble off the wagon.

Of course, that's for later. Right now the name of the game is ODAAT. Night, everyone. See you tomorrow for a sober Friday.
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Old 05-21-2010, 03:16 AM
  # 411 (permalink)  
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Day 18. I sort of can't believe it. Three weeks ago I thought I could not quit, was terrified of the idea. Have a good day all.
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Old 05-21-2010, 03:53 AM
  # 412 (permalink)  
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Day One for the last time.

I will be needing help.

Thanks,
Nancy
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Old 05-21-2010, 06:12 AM
  # 413 (permalink)  
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Thank you sooooo much for caring, guys! Honestly I was afraid to come on here and say "Day 1, Again" so I thought I'd rat myself out while I was drinking. I'm overwhelmed with your messages of support. I'm on Day 2 now.

I had a rough, rough day on Wednesday (I know that's not a good excuse for drinking, but just wanted to shed some light on what happened -- maybe it will help some of you).

I have 3 children. And while they are undoubtedly the best things in my life, they are also very difficult. I believe they drive me to drink on many occasions. Wednesday was no exception to this. I don't want to bore you with all the details, but my middle son has special needs. It's extra difficult taking him any where because it involves all sorts of extra work and intervention. I sometimes resent the families that have two parents all the time and no kids with special needs. I am a single Mom and my ex only takes the kids a few nights per month.

I had to take my daughter to her softball game. And I had to bring my two boys since my au pair is on vacation. They did not want to go -- it was dinner time and I tried to set up a picnic type of dinner there for everyone. I made special foods for my middle son (with special needs) and ordered a pizza and salad for the rest of us.

Everything went to hell in a handbasket pretty quickly. It started to rain and my son with special needs freaked out (he has sensory issues in the rain). I told him he could sit in the dugout to get away from the rain, but when he did, the coach yelled at him and told him to get out. I had to go explain the situation to the coach, but T was already stressed out, yelling and crying.

My daughter had a disappointing game. When it was her turn to bat, someone went in front of her. She tried to tell the coaches but no one would listen to her. They pretty much skipped her turn at bat -- she spoke up again, and they let her bat. She got a walk, but was disappointed with everything. They keep putting her in the outfield where she gets no action and near the end of the batting order. So she was disappointed. She never got to get up again and all the other girls had 2 at bats.

My third son had a great time and did well playing with other kids. There were these little bugs (gnats) all over the place and it was cold and miserable. My kids started fighting on the way home and my daughter was discouraged. I had dragged the whole family to this game and it was a disaster. I just wanted relief and had to buy a bottle of red to get me out of my skin.

It was not a good decision. I drank nearly the whole bottle. Naturally, I was sick and hungover. I spent most of the day Thursday in bed. I ended up having pain on either side of my abdomen, and I know it's directly related to drinking.

I hope this story helps someone --- I'm back sober again. Thanks guys.... have a great Friday!

Laura
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Old 05-21-2010, 06:25 AM
  # 414 (permalink)  
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Hey TraderJane,
Yes , I've been through pretty much what you discribed. My husband's first wife left him with his 3 boys, the eldest had cerebral palsy. I came as an au pair, and ended up staying. Things rarely were simple and easy, and drinking was my way of unwinding. I handle things much better without alcohol, and there are no 'next mornings" when I loathe myself without alcohol. I used to say to myself,"poor dear, you've had a bad day, you deserve a drink." That self-pity is bad for me. Anyway, you're back with us, never give up.
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Old 05-21-2010, 07:18 AM
  # 415 (permalink)  
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Hi traderjane!!

Thanks for your story! I can sooooo relate. (kids 12, 10, 2 when I divorced). It's hard to have a "self" in the midst of all their needs, much less find any peace. It may not seem like our tasks are all that difficult, but the emotional toll can really wear you down. Even when we try to anticipate their needs, there's always something that comes up that we're not prepared for. We suffer everytime they suffer. It's constant, too - we can't walk away at 5:00. Add addiction on top of that and it's hard to feel positive about anything we do.

Not drinking today is probably enough of a challenge for now, but after you're on your feet again, you may need to find a way to give yourself some breathing room so that you can keep your sanity. Ask the question "how do I need to take care of ME?" and let the answers come to you when their supposed to.

You're not a failure and you have ALOT to deal with. Keep your chin up (instead of the bottle) and know that we're all rooting for you, girl.
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Old 05-21-2010, 07:42 AM
  # 416 (permalink)  
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Good morning from Detroit, gray and lightly raining outside. I been able to get through the last few days and remained sober. Yesterday I had to go to work and face co-workers for a few seconds and then a supervisor. The disciplinary is tough. When I left I called my wife and then my sponsor. Made it to my appointment with an addiction specialist. She prescribed a night time medication to help me relax and sleep. Woke up groggy but more relaxed. I am able to focus and concentrate a lot better. Finished my statement and able to write.
Hope everyone is having a good day or night
Dean
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Old 05-21-2010, 08:28 AM
  # 417 (permalink)  
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Hi Nancy - hang in there and just worry about getting through a few hours at a time. I know what it's like to make promises to quit and break them. Infact, I got quite good at it. Guess I had to hit myself over the head that many times to really get it.

Today I'm totally convinced that I will never outsmart this disease (kinda like that show "Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader"). I will probably always wish that I could drink "normally," but I am totally sick of trying and losing.

Glad you're here - you can do it!
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Old 05-21-2010, 10:47 AM
  # 418 (permalink)  
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OMG, your post made me cry Artsoul. I read it twice and I'm sitting here crying. No one seems to understand how hard it is, how draining it is, and I know that you get it.

I spend so much time taking care of everyone that there is nothing left for me in the end. Sometimes I just want someone to take care of me, like when I was a little kid and my Mom took care of me when I was sick. Those days are long gone. My parents are getting older now and I must take care of them. I have no husband anymore, and even when I was married he was terrible at taking care of me.

You are so right -- when my kids suffer, I suffer. When they are sad or disappointed, I feel it too. When they are stressed, I get stressed. Every time I get back on my feet something happens to knock me down again...

Okay, I'm going to try to be positive now... chin up.
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Old 05-21-2010, 11:04 AM
  # 419 (permalink)  
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Sorry to make you cry, trader! I'm on Prozac, so I haven't been able to cry lately, but it would probably be better if I could!

I'll be thinking about you today and sending hugs. I don't have anyone to share my cr*p with either..... Just get through today and know that you'll feel ten times better in the morning (and PM me anytime, OK?) I'm going to start thinking about what I need to stay healthy, too.
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Old 05-21-2010, 11:10 AM
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Actually, crying is good. I went to therapy for the last 6 months and the therapist was trying to get to me to cry it all out. I couldn't. So you must have said something right to trigger those feelings.

I was thinking that the closest thing I have to someone taking care of me is my dog. When I feel sad and down, he comes closer to me and stays right by my side. In the middle of the night when I wake up and feel scared or lonely, he moves closer to me. It's his way of taking care of me, and it does help. What we give comes back to us.

I know my Mom wants to help me more, but she can't. She has health issues of her own and the kids are too demanding for her.

Thanks so much... crying is good.
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