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Old 05-18-2010, 08:24 AM
  # 361 (permalink)  
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Funny how we all end up with similar stories. Moderation just increased the obsession for me. When can I buy more wine? Should I buy a bottle or just a small one so I don't accidentally get drunk?

I am feeling peaceful today that I can rid myself of the chronic paranoia of desperately trying to drink and hide it from everyone.
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Old 05-18-2010, 08:25 AM
  # 362 (permalink)  
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Hello to all, welcome newcomers! I'm just over having a very long craving. I was under the impression that cravings lasted 4 minutes. (I know I read that somewhere) Anyway I just stuffed myself full again, and drank about a quart of diet coke. The craving has gone, but it lasted way too long, an hour at least. I probably should have eaten sweets, but since I've gained 5 pounds I decided to go easy on sweets. So I stuffed myself with fruit, plain yogurt and pumpernickel, oh well...maybe I wont be hungry at dinner?
Glad to see you back TraderJane.
I love everyones stories, I've been through many of the same things. Let's keep up the good work, May is a super month, and there sure are a lot of Mayflowers. This time it works, for all of us! How can we lose with so much moral support and help!
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Old 05-18-2010, 08:35 AM
  # 363 (permalink)  
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Welcome Bob and KC1, I meant to say more that in my last post (the door bell interrupted).

Looking back, I think of "moderation" kinda like that first part of a rollar coast ride. You get in and creak very, very slowly around and up, holding tighter and tighter, getting more and more anxious and then bam -- you plunge down. Only we don't know when or how. And we are definately not in control of the ride.

I may think I can get off the ride. I might be convinced it's just a ride. I might be sure the ride is fairly harmless and I'll be fine and even feel better. Truth is, none of that is in my control. That's my disease talking to me and it really, really wants me to keep jumping on that roller coaster.

Today is one of those days I'm having alot of cravings. Not fun. I'm going to go call a friend. Later.
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Old 05-18-2010, 08:41 AM
  # 364 (permalink)  
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Try taking some vitamins or even eating something sugary. In the first few days of not drinking, your body is missing all the sugar from the alcohol, and you're vitamin deficient.
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Old 05-18-2010, 08:42 AM
  # 365 (permalink)  
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Welcome Bob and KC!! Congratulations on choosing to be sober today! This thread really makes my day. There's alot of folks on the forum and it's nice to come here and feel a connection with people who are going through the same things. Glad you're joining us.

Atlas - thanks for my first smiles of the day! I can just see you bustin' those moves, my friend! And this is so spot on:
every conversation I had there wasn't the usual back & forth in my mind of --- is this awkward? or me feeling the need to tell someone an excuse, consisting of: I've had a few drinks or I'm really stoned...
Ain't it the truth? I'm amazed at how good it feels to have my mind free of drinking thoughts while I'm with other people. I feel more open and connected, which would have been totally scary just a few weeks ago. Went to a group function last night and didn't have to worry that I would shake when I held a piece of paper, or that I had to pop Altoids every 5 minutes. What a relief.

Flux - sorry to hear about all the stress in your day. I'm having to really try to follow the "easy does it" thing right now. We do need to work, though, and I've noticed a small improvement every day in my ability to handle things. We're going to be okay - it's just going to take time.

Draciack - how's the insomnia going?

jlr - hope the anxiety goes away soon. Someone (I think it was Dee or Ann?) said not to expect a straight path - it has dips here and there. It made me feel a little better knowing that.

Hello traderjane, norther, and margareth (congrats on day 3/feeling better)

Here's to a sober day, everyone...........

ONWARD AND UPWARD WE GO!!!!
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Old 05-18-2010, 08:56 AM
  # 366 (permalink)  
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Hey scoob! I can so relate to wondering how much and what kind of alcohol to buy, so that I don't get too drunk. Right, like I couldn't go up and get some more....... There were so many mornings when I would "check" to see how much I drank, and it was always more than I thought I had.

jlr - the roller coaster metaphor was great. I went to Cedar Point in Cleveland last year, and discovered that not all coasters are the same. There was one I rode on where I didn't even scream - I just sat there thinking "this is total misery." That's what my drinking became for me, too. No fun.
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Old 05-18-2010, 09:03 AM
  # 367 (permalink)  
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Hi California - glad you survived that craving. I haven't had one in a few days now (whew), but I had a few last week that almost knocked my socks off. I did what you did - eat.... I know it's not good for me either, but it really does take almost all of the craving away. I noticed the same thing when I drank, too. I'd often intentionally wait until the end of the day to have my one main meal, because I knew that it would decrease the absorption of alcohol plus make me feel like I didn't want anymore. Yep......cuckoo.

I have started exercising a little, so hoping that will help in all areas, including weight.
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Old 05-18-2010, 09:04 AM
  # 368 (permalink)  
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OK..... time to get to work. See y'all later!
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Old 05-18-2010, 10:49 AM
  # 369 (permalink)  
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I'm back again after a minor relaspse bt I would very much like to gt back on the sober wagon ...... So to speak. I'm glad this group is still going, I haven't posted in a while cos I feel like I have let the group down- even though I've never met any of the group it is still a shamefull feeling.

Here goes may attempt at quiting drinking number two.
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Old 05-18-2010, 11:30 AM
  # 370 (permalink)  
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Welcome back, Acorn!

After my relapse, I was told by friends that I had to stop beating myself up and wallowing in guilt (I'm really good at that -- maybe it's the Irish Catholic upbringing!). They said it was a way of "feeding my disease".

The way it was explained to me was that our disease loves it when we beat ourselves up because then we try to medicate away our lousy feelings with a drink or drug. This was definately true for me. Then my shame would make me isolate even further. This makes recovery even tougher for me. When I feel really lousy, guilty, ashamed, I need to share it with someone to get rid of the feelings or else I begin to isolate and feel like no one has ever felt this way or been in so much pain -- that makes a drink/drug so much more appealing.

Once I do tell someone how rotten I feel though, it does feel better.

And as far as our relapses goes, well -- we definately cannot change the past. We can learn from it. I struggle with it, too. It's definately not easy.

"Just For Today" means not obsessing about past mistakes, too, I guess.
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Old 05-18-2010, 11:43 AM
  # 371 (permalink)  
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Thanks jlr5 , just for today- it is a good rule I guess. Thanks for your words of advice, this disease has a number of ways of getting one over on me. I will not let it beat me though. I will keep on jumping back on the wagon if I fall off
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Old 05-18-2010, 12:55 PM
  # 372 (permalink)  
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Great to have you back here, Acorn! You are not the only one who has relapsed since joining (ahem....) Don't beat yourself up, just jump back on board! Let go of the guilt. It doesn't do you any good at all.

I have to say that on Day 4 I feel really, really good. So good, in fact, that I recognize this as a trigger. It's such a cycle. I drink, feel like crap, decide to stop, stop for a few days, feel better each day to the point where I feel so good that I don't know what to do with myself, then decide to celebrate "feeling good" with a nice cold glass of white wine. The twisted reasoning is: I feel so good right now -- I bet I can feel EVEN BETTER with a nice glass of wine! Insanity, really.

So even though I feel good, I'm not going to "celebrate" it. That will just kill it. I'm going to keep going.

Oh, and I'm going to the grocery store soon and will buy fresh limes and lemons. They always make soft drinks taste so much better
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Old 05-18-2010, 03:10 PM
  # 373 (permalink)  
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day four already

The fourth day already,

I woke up 9:30 pm in a major panic attack. Didn't go to bed until 3:00 am and was totally hyper. Heard the roosters and didn't fall asleep until it was light which is saying something because it is getting on close to winter overhere.

Then I remembered that I had this huge cup of coffee at a friends place around 4:00 pm What was I thinking?
(I'm usually a very moderate coffee drinker. 1-2 cups of weak latte early in the morning.)

Good news: No cravings and strongly motivated. Had a really wholesome day sharing my first home cured bacon with friends at their organic gardens (Tuesdays we always try to have a feast. Alcohol is never even considered). Told them I was on the wagon again and got smiles of delight and acceptance. Awesome.

Originally Posted by traderjane View Post

I have to say that on Day 4 I feel really, really good. So good, in fact, that I recognize this as a trigger. It's such a cycle. I drink, feel like crap, decide to stop, stop for a few days, feel better each day to the point where I feel so good that I don't know what to do with myself, then decide to celebrate "feeling good" with a nice cold glass of white wine. The twisted reasoning is: I feel so good right now -- I bet I can feel EVEN BETTER with a nice glass of wine! Insanity, really.

So even though I feel good, I'm not going to "celebrate" it. That will just kill it. I'm going to keep going.

Oh, and I'm going to the grocery store soon and will buy fresh limes and lemons. They always make soft drinks taste so much better
Yep I do to!

In HALT moments (I always think that Angry stands for any intense emotions)
I need to walk away and just meditate or take a warm comforting bath or something otherwise the "I need to curb that" feeling takes over because it inevitably leads to major craving
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Old 05-18-2010, 03:16 PM
  # 374 (permalink)  
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Acorn - take a look at my "join date". 2006. That is how long I have been relapsing and getting on and off the wagon. You are welcome here.

KC
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Old 05-18-2010, 03:27 PM
  # 375 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by jlr5 View Post
Welcome back, Acorn!

After my relapse, I was told by friends that I had to stop beating myself up and wallowing in guilt (I'm really good at that -- maybe it's the Irish Catholic upbringing!). They said it was a way of "feeding my disease".

The way it was explained to me was that our disease loves it when we beat ourselves up because then we try to medicate away our lousy feelings with a drink or drug. This was definately true for me. Then my shame would make me isolate even further. This makes recovery even tougher for me. When I feel really lousy, guilty, ashamed, I need to share it with someone to get rid of the feelings or else I begin to isolate and feel like no one has ever felt this way or been in so much pain -- that makes a drink/drug so much more appealing.

Once I do tell someone how rotten I feel though, it does feel better.

And as far as our relapses goes, well -- we definately cannot change the past. We can learn from it. I struggle with it, too. It's definately not easy.

"Just For Today" means not obsessing about past mistakes, too, I guess.
Maybe this helps:Shame
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Old 05-18-2010, 05:36 PM
  # 376 (permalink)  
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Hi Acorn! I'm so glad you didn't drop off the radar! Once a MayFlower, always a MayFlower!!

I've always been terrified of disappointing people myself. I think it's from my childhood. My psychiatrist from years back asked me "Why do you care so much about what other people think?" It stunned me because I thought everyone was like I was! An example: I worry about cutting off other drivers or not letting them cut in line (I'll even look back to be sure someone else lets them in). It's like a curse.:crazy

I think I'm getting off topic..... The way I see it is that you would welcome us back, right? So, just know that you're worthy of love, too!!!!

It's ODAAT anyway, right?:ghug3
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Old 05-18-2010, 09:14 PM
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Thanks margareth for the shame link!

jlr5:
""Just For Today" means not obsessing about past mistakes, too, I guess."
Right on!!!
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Old 05-18-2010, 09:22 PM
  # 378 (permalink)  
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Hi, just got back from a meeting, had to force myself to go. Things are horrific for me the results from my relapse, the job and my family. I remember back in April of 04 when I went to my first meeting an old timer, what a great guy. We had a talk. Basically I went to a rehab on my own. Got out still had my drivers license, no arrests, no problems at work and the loving support of my wife. He came back and stated that "If you keep coming back and work this simple program you can keep all of that. If you do not kiss it all goodbye". He said look at me I am one of the ones that have lost everything but my life. Thank God for AA.
I just feel so scared right now. My addiction specialist prescribed some medications, now addictive I believe, short term amount that will help relax and help me sleep. Unfortunately they do not seem to be working, also have been trying to do things naturally to relax. The sleep medication I hope will be ready to be picked up tomorrow, seroquel I believe is what it is called.
When I wake up tomorrow (God willing) I will start day 4 (again). Hope that everyone is well and keep up the good work.
Dean
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Old 05-19-2010, 03:03 AM
  # 379 (permalink)  
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Day 16 here, and things are going well. I get my cravings, but they pass quickly. My best wishes to those who are struggling.
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Old 05-19-2010, 04:36 AM
  # 380 (permalink)  
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Unhappy End of day 4

It is the end of day 4 I didn't sleep at all or with nightmares for the last three nights and I'm knackered but scared to go to bed and lie awake for hours again.

Lonely too but very sober.

Another day down.

See y'all tomorrow.
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