NEOMARXIST

I guess this is a skill that has to be learned in recovery also. Recovery is all about learning new skills and totally changing your attitute. I know this has been the case for me anyway.

It isn't always easy to turn 'events' down as nobody really wants to do this. But after lying in the gutter and feeling the abyss of total utter despair and hopelessness, then I can have clarity and learn to see things in a much more realistic light. Recovery is all about the long game and seeing past the short-term.

I used to hate knowing that I had to cling to all of the happiness/euphoria during a binge. I knew it would be fleeting and preceeded by total and utter calamity. The end of the binge signalled the end of my life really. I was just waiting to get mashed up again; Signing on the dole and going through the motions of counting the days down untill I could escape the mundane and boring reality of my life. In search of that ultimate 'high'. Would you ever find that ultimate high? I think not. I wouldn't remember it anyway.

Being level headed and knowing that the best is waiting around the corner for me is comforting and gives me hope in my life.

As long as I always put my sobriety first, then saying 'No' is perfectly justified. I'm Looking forward to being able to say 'yes' again too and instigating stuff, but for now I am happy living sober 'one day at a time.'

peace and Love

Rev

I've often had trouble saying "No" to people, especially when I think they are going to get angry at me for doing so. It always produces so much anxiety, having to defend myself.

Rev

FuzzyFatSacks

I feel the same way and struggle with it. I end up being in lots of situations with people I really don't like much because I don't want people to get angry with me for saying "no." Or, even worse, saying "yes" to things and then bailing at the last minute because I really, REALLY don't want to be wherever with whoever. It's so silly and makes my life so much more annoying than it needs to be. Lately (just today, in fact), I told someone "no" to an invitation and was SURE she would be upset, but she wasn't and it was no big thing. Why our brains build certain scenarios up to be horrifying when in reality chances are nothing bad would happen is BEYOND me.

SparklingSeven

The ultimate high!! lol I started looking for that when I was 13 and still haven't found it yet in spite of exhaustive experimentation. I have a feeling it's like the pot of gold at tghe end of the rainbow.

wichitalineman

Neo, I like it.

I agree wholeheartedly, especially about putting sobriety first. Putting sobriety first is number one in 2010 for me. Number one. Number two isn't even close. There just isn't any two ways about it; this isn't a discussion I am having (nor am I willing to have) with myself. Sobriety is first and foremost, and this razor sharp focus has helped me stay where I know I need to be. Absolutely nothing is worth trading in this focus and the success it has been bringing.

It's kind of a pity that I am missing out on some cool shows and whatnot, but every morning when I wake up sober, present, and ready for whatever today is going to be bring me... nothing could have happened last night that would be worth trading today over for as well. I am just way too into 'the now' to even consider giving up a day for some reverie I probably won't even remember anyway.

Saying no is tough, especially when there's guilt involved ('thanks guys, way to make me feel good about myself'). I just laugh the guilt off these days, it's bugging me a lot less (and hence, seems to be happening less - correlation?). I think you said it all succinctly: being levelheaded and ready for the good times around the corner is the way to be these days.

Keep it going strong, mate.

NEOMARXIST

Just looked and it's 1 year today since I first tried properly to get sober. 1 year ago was the binge where I remember thinking of just packing my bag or something and going to go meet up with some Homeless in the city and drink; F*ckin mental.

I was drinking alone in the park as usual and just staggering to the shop to go buy more cans and then lying on the bench in the sun. I saw how the park bench is the only company for an alcoholic, other than another alcoholic. I kind of liked the bench in a strange kind of way. I remember looking at people walking their dogs and stuff and just thinking WTF?

I remember how terrible I felt that evening when the cans had all ran out. I was told that my mood was dangerously low that evening, like I had given up and the spark had just gone out of my eyes. Like I was ready to just die.

I contacted AA and joined up on SR shortly afterwards.

It took another couple of months untill I was finally done.

I had to learn to say 'NO'.

Omega10

Neo, I think you were reading my mind today.

Today I turned down an invitation to an event that would have put me in a situation where relapse was almost inevitable. It was tough to say "no", but I did it and I am at peace with my decision.

24hrsAday

i Used To Say No All The Time Drunk.. Now i Say it Sober and i Always Know Why i'm Saying it!

vegibean

You know NEO, I have had to work that "no" muscle a lot!!! And not over alcohol really either, more like people just asking me to do things that I would normally just say "yes" to and then regret it because it's not what I wanted to do in the first place, I was just doing it to "please" the other person.

I have realized exactly how dangerous that is only because I'm not taking care of myself to begin with. If I can help someone who truly needs it, yes, I'll be there but if it's going to taking away from me and what I need for me then the answer has to be no. Man was that hard for me to do at first. I'll tell you what though, it's easier to say no today and I'm not suffering any more because I'm overextending myself for the sake of others.

"No" can be a great word!!

Horselover

That entire post really resonates with me Veg. I was and still am at times, at people pleaser. Just now learning the danger involved in that. Thanks for this post.