My First Post: 3 Days Sober and Starting To Doubt I'm Capable
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Singapore
Posts: 737
My First Post: 3 Days Sober and Starting To Doubt I'm Capable
Hi all, this is my first post and while I don't want to bore anyone with a long and crazy description of my descent into this misery, I need some sort of help.
See, I've been a drunk a long time now, but I've never actively sought out any sort of treatment or program. So I'm really learning as I go here and your advice would be golden. (If I'm rambling I am sorry)
I do want to quantify that although I've been a functioning alcoholic most my adult life, I turned into a hapless, bonehead, useless, uncontrollable drinker for the last five years, and a certifiably insane, want to die in a "Nicolas Cage - Leaving Las Vegas" sort of way for the last 2 years.
One more thing that may be pertinent: I've been sober almost 3 days now, and am still detoxing from a very significant binge. Although this detox started out quite severe, the symptoms are relaxing rapidly now, thanks to reading here about what I could use to help (B 12, Thaimine, teas, e.t.c...) I have someone close by with 911 on the ready also, just in case. Oh, and I had some stomach meds left over from my LAST significant binge
My problem and question is this: a few hours ago I had my first serious craving to drink... and with that craving I finally saw how quickly my resolve could become vulnerable when this disease takes over. I'd not noticed that before - or else it's never quite happened that rapidly.
This scares the crap outta me. Because it's with resolve and hope that most of the will for lasting sobriety comes from, yes? Don't you need to at least need to believe in your own ability to do the work?
I mean, it's not even 3 days at this point. On the first day I really and truly thought I had woken up for the very last time, and that some organ was just about to fail and I'd be gone. Seeing death stare me in the face again, made me certain that I had no more time to waste screwing up, and that I finally needed to get serious help. Only after about 40 minutes could I move - off the floor - sit on my couch, where the tremors started, and they always scare the living #$%% outta me.
Point is, right then and there I absolutely KNEW I could never drink again, I absolutely KNEW I didn't want to drink anymore, and for the first time I KNEW I could not do it alone. Yet so soon after KNOWING all of this intimately, my brain is telling me I can have "just the one", when I also totally KNOW that this 1 drink will turn into 30+ bottles of vodka?
Ok, so having rambled all of that, the question is, what techniques have you guys done in the early days of your sobriety to shut down the loudness level in your head screaming for you to get a drink?
More importantly, how could you find (and sustain) the sort of resolve involved in knowing a lifetime of sobriety was ever possible - considering how insidious this disease really is? Because although I battled back that 10 minutes of potential slipping a few hours ago, it took a helluvalot out of me. All of this makes me truly concerned because I know the craving will amp up soon enough.
Anyway, sorry about the rambling, and btw this forum and its' writers have already helped me more than I ever thought possible just by lurking.
P.S.,
BTW I'm a Canadian living in Singapore and the best I can do for treatment where I live is an assessment next Monday with an outpatient program. Between then and now I have to stay sober to earn the money to pay for it. As for AA, meetings are very infrequent I've come to learn, and get canceled often. Basically I'm on my own until Monday next week.
See, I've been a drunk a long time now, but I've never actively sought out any sort of treatment or program. So I'm really learning as I go here and your advice would be golden. (If I'm rambling I am sorry)
I do want to quantify that although I've been a functioning alcoholic most my adult life, I turned into a hapless, bonehead, useless, uncontrollable drinker for the last five years, and a certifiably insane, want to die in a "Nicolas Cage - Leaving Las Vegas" sort of way for the last 2 years.
One more thing that may be pertinent: I've been sober almost 3 days now, and am still detoxing from a very significant binge. Although this detox started out quite severe, the symptoms are relaxing rapidly now, thanks to reading here about what I could use to help (B 12, Thaimine, teas, e.t.c...) I have someone close by with 911 on the ready also, just in case. Oh, and I had some stomach meds left over from my LAST significant binge
My problem and question is this: a few hours ago I had my first serious craving to drink... and with that craving I finally saw how quickly my resolve could become vulnerable when this disease takes over. I'd not noticed that before - or else it's never quite happened that rapidly.
This scares the crap outta me. Because it's with resolve and hope that most of the will for lasting sobriety comes from, yes? Don't you need to at least need to believe in your own ability to do the work?
I mean, it's not even 3 days at this point. On the first day I really and truly thought I had woken up for the very last time, and that some organ was just about to fail and I'd be gone. Seeing death stare me in the face again, made me certain that I had no more time to waste screwing up, and that I finally needed to get serious help. Only after about 40 minutes could I move - off the floor - sit on my couch, where the tremors started, and they always scare the living #$%% outta me.
Point is, right then and there I absolutely KNEW I could never drink again, I absolutely KNEW I didn't want to drink anymore, and for the first time I KNEW I could not do it alone. Yet so soon after KNOWING all of this intimately, my brain is telling me I can have "just the one", when I also totally KNOW that this 1 drink will turn into 30+ bottles of vodka?
Ok, so having rambled all of that, the question is, what techniques have you guys done in the early days of your sobriety to shut down the loudness level in your head screaming for you to get a drink?
More importantly, how could you find (and sustain) the sort of resolve involved in knowing a lifetime of sobriety was ever possible - considering how insidious this disease really is? Because although I battled back that 10 minutes of potential slipping a few hours ago, it took a helluvalot out of me. All of this makes me truly concerned because I know the craving will amp up soon enough.
Anyway, sorry about the rambling, and btw this forum and its' writers have already helped me more than I ever thought possible just by lurking.
P.S.,
BTW I'm a Canadian living in Singapore and the best I can do for treatment where I live is an assessment next Monday with an outpatient program. Between then and now I have to stay sober to earn the money to pay for it. As for AA, meetings are very infrequent I've come to learn, and get canceled often. Basically I'm on my own until Monday next week.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 31
Congratulations on your 3 days. I was also really scared for the first few days. I was sober enough to realize that I almost killed myself with booze, but I had no idea how to continue without it. It's been 37 days since I quit and what has worked for me so far has been telling myself that I don't have to quit forever, but just for right now, today. I always thought that one day at a time stuff was BS but it has really saved my ass so far. Telling myself that I'm never going to have a drink again is just too much, and really really makes me want do drink, so I do what I can right now in the moment to stay sober, even if that means I am doing nothing else... even if it means I am stuck watching TV for an hour or two, or have to cancel an appointment or eat an entire bag of chips or whatever else it takes. Staying sober is the most important job I have. I play a little game with myself and each day I say, it's just for today, or if it's a really bad craving just for the next hour. 37 days isn't a lot in the long run, but it is when you are just starting out. Just like 3 days. How do you eat an elephant? Take lots and lots of tiny bites.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Congrats on day 3 
I found I was not able to beat this thing alone, I needed the help of AA & meeting people face to face (and hearing their stories of recovery).
Until you get back here is a copy of the BB online Big Book On Line
This guy is great to listen to
http://www.xa-speakers.org/speakers/...ndup200132.mp3
XA-Speakers - The lights are on!
I like the old style BB study tapes of Joe & Charlie [Big]XA-Speakers - The lights are on! Book On Line[/url]
Lots of good stuff to read & listen to... but action & commitment are also required.
All of the best in your recovery
I found I was not able to beat this thing alone, I needed the help of AA & meeting people face to face (and hearing their stories of recovery). Until you get back here is a copy of the BB online Big Book On Line
This guy is great to listen to
http://www.xa-speakers.org/speakers/...ndup200132.mp3
XA-Speakers - The lights are on!
I like the old style BB study tapes of Joe & Charlie [Big]XA-Speakers - The lights are on! Book On Line[/url]
Lots of good stuff to read & listen to... but action & commitment are also required.
All of the best in your recovery
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
For me, I asked myself two questions when I had the urge to drink: one, will drinking make this situation better? and two, do I want to wake up tomorrow sick as hell and hating myself? Of course the answers to those questions are "NO".
I have a very clear memory of how bad I felt last time I relapsed. I am determined to not go back there. So far I'm doing well and am sober over four months. I LIKE waking up with a clear head. I LIKE being ready for anything and not being too drunk or sick to respond to a crisis. I LIKE not wasting money or time on drinking. I LIKE the sober me so much better than the drinking me.
Have you thought about a long term recovery program? Like AA or one of the other programs? It's worth a try.
Welcome to SR!
I have a very clear memory of how bad I felt last time I relapsed. I am determined to not go back there. So far I'm doing well and am sober over four months. I LIKE waking up with a clear head. I LIKE being ready for anything and not being too drunk or sick to respond to a crisis. I LIKE not wasting money or time on drinking. I LIKE the sober me so much better than the drinking me.
Have you thought about a long term recovery program? Like AA or one of the other programs? It's worth a try.
Welcome to SR!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,507
Hi Binder,
I'm glad you are seeking support.
For me, in the early days, I changed my routines as much as possible. I drove home via different routes. After supper (the time I always drank) I made myself go outside and start taking long walks. I avoided certain stores. Basically, I changed as much as I could in an attempt to convince my brain that alcohol was no longer ruling my life.
I know you can do this.
I'm glad you are seeking support.
For me, in the early days, I changed my routines as much as possible. I drove home via different routes. After supper (the time I always drank) I made myself go outside and start taking long walks. I avoided certain stores. Basically, I changed as much as I could in an attempt to convince my brain that alcohol was no longer ruling my life.
I know you can do this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I agree with Anna, take a different route, change the glasses and cups you drink out of..go to a store, clean something, get some exercise whatever it takes, see every movie out there.
I'm going to say to you what someone said to me when I first joined here...."We've all had a Day 3" or a day 3 or 4, whatever....keep fresh in your mind how crummy you felt when you couldn't move for 40 mins....look up a picture of a cirrhotic liver on the internet (or Dr. Oz may have one on his website)....take an internet trip through some forums of people who are waiting for a liver transplant...only you wouldn't qualify, i dont think they will give a new liver to someone who drinks, it's kind of a waste.
while these ideas are not magical, the websites are quite realistic...it may help to center you back to your original goal....
and think of how great you will feel tomorrow AM when you get a bit more sleep and actually feel even better physically. you will also start to see a better physical appearance in the mirror...every day the first 2 weeks, I was amazed....after 3 weeks, people who didn't know my drinking issues started making comments about the change in my appearance and personality...I was thrilled.
wish you the best and welcome.
I'm going to say to you what someone said to me when I first joined here...."We've all had a Day 3" or a day 3 or 4, whatever....keep fresh in your mind how crummy you felt when you couldn't move for 40 mins....look up a picture of a cirrhotic liver on the internet (or Dr. Oz may have one on his website)....take an internet trip through some forums of people who are waiting for a liver transplant...only you wouldn't qualify, i dont think they will give a new liver to someone who drinks, it's kind of a waste.
while these ideas are not magical, the websites are quite realistic...it may help to center you back to your original goal....
and think of how great you will feel tomorrow AM when you get a bit more sleep and actually feel even better physically. you will also start to see a better physical appearance in the mirror...every day the first 2 weeks, I was amazed....after 3 weeks, people who didn't know my drinking issues started making comments about the change in my appearance and personality...I was thrilled.
wish you the best and welcome.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Congrats and welcome to SR!! I am almost at 12 days now and the first week was a doozy from the worst withdrawals I have ever had to the massive panic attacks and anxiety that were left over from my 2 day binge the week before. What I can tell you is that I am proof that it does get better. I also know that I am grateful to God for seeing me through that week of hell when I drank and those first few days of sobriety. I truthfully should not be here and that is what keeps me from giving into the little voice that says....you feel great....go buy some rum/coke and knock a few to celebrate.
What keeps me going is that I don't want to die alone, puking in my bed, convulsing and having hallucinations and praying to God that it would end. My hubby was in the UK stuck and my friends had kinda bailed on me if you will. I am in Germany and I know how you feel about lack of treatment. There was nothing I could do but to have the courage to stop and stick it out. I would say the little voice crap that happens to us is nothing because I will NEVER touch alcohol again. I have the get up energy and positivity that I haven't seen in way too many years. Even when I quit in January....I didn't feel that good but after this relapse it is as though I was meant to something with my life. Everyday I am out and going....eating healthy...popping the vitamins and cherishing every conversation with each person because I am lucky. I have been spared and man....it is incredible to be given a 2nd chance.
Keep posting here (this helps me tremendously) and use your experiences to help others. Stay strong and ignore that little thought that says it is ok. Those thoughts will become less and less over time and your focus is one day at a time.
Here is to another day sober....stay strong my friend. All the best!!
What keeps me going is that I don't want to die alone, puking in my bed, convulsing and having hallucinations and praying to God that it would end. My hubby was in the UK stuck and my friends had kinda bailed on me if you will. I am in Germany and I know how you feel about lack of treatment. There was nothing I could do but to have the courage to stop and stick it out. I would say the little voice crap that happens to us is nothing because I will NEVER touch alcohol again. I have the get up energy and positivity that I haven't seen in way too many years. Even when I quit in January....I didn't feel that good but after this relapse it is as though I was meant to something with my life. Everyday I am out and going....eating healthy...popping the vitamins and cherishing every conversation with each person because I am lucky. I have been spared and man....it is incredible to be given a 2nd chance.
Keep posting here (this helps me tremendously) and use your experiences to help others. Stay strong and ignore that little thought that says it is ok. Those thoughts will become less and less over time and your focus is one day at a time.
Here is to another day sober....stay strong my friend. All the best!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Singapore
Posts: 737
Originally Posted by SoberSoFar 
Congratulations on your 3 days. I was also really scared for the first few days. I was sober enough to realize that I almost killed myself with booze, but I had no idea how to continue without it. It's been 37 days since I quit and what has worked for me so far has been telling myself that I don't have to quit forever, but just for right now, today. I always thought that one day at a time stuff was BS but it has really saved my ass so far. Telling myself that I'm never going to have a drink again is just too much, and really really makes me want do drink, so I do what I can right now in the moment to stay sober, even if that means I am doing nothing else... even if it means I am stuck watching TV for an hour or two, or have to cancel an appointment or eat an entire bag of chips or whatever else it takes. Staying sober is the most important job I have. I play a little game with myself and each day I say, it's just for today, or if it's a really bad craving just for the next hour. 37 days isn't a lot in the long run, but it is when you are just starting out. Just like 3 days. How do you eat an elephant? Take lots and lots of tiny bites.
@Sobersofar - First off, absolutely frikin awesome you are at day 37. After yesterday I can really understand and admire anyone who puts in time getting sober, and 37 days to me - after how I felt yesterday - seemed like a harder feat than flapping my arms and waiting to fly. Please keep it up.
Also, your advice about the whole "take it one day at a time" really kept me from drinking yesterday bcuz I managed to read a few responses to my thread before having a major trigger happen (fight with my wife). Once everything cooled down enough with the wife, I thought seriously about getting completely off my face - but it wasn't really a craving that put me in that mind frame again - it was the thought "my sobriety obviously means nothing to her so screw it I give up..." which normally would take me straight to the booze store.
In the end I just said, "screw it, if I wanna get toasted I'll do it 2morrow bcuz I don't want to be defeated anymore today." Bloody hell it really worked!! Eventually I simply fell asleep (the first time in 3 days), and now I just woke up - sober and feeling a bit more secure thinking that, just maybe, I won another battle.
That is inspiring to me, and I can see how things like that situation along with other battles won will definitely add to the resolve I was worrying about yesterday, more and more over time.
What was also pretty inspiring to me ... during that fight with my wife I found myself analyzing how I felt inside - more than just reacting to the situation - as well as concentrating mostly on the one thing that this website taught me bigtime... "nothing is as important as me staying sober, everything else has to come in second place". Before realizing that golden rule from reading this site, I would simply hear some rotten thing said or look at some horrid situation, and my inner voice would say "she said what? What happened? Well Ff$#! this I'm getting drunk cuz nothing is worth this crap." I'm beginning to see that something IS worth all the crap in the world... ME. That's a huge realization for me.
Thanks so much guys.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Singapore
Posts: 737
@newbeginning010 - thanks heaps for those links. Have been looking high and low for some audio or video online to help. Managed to find an HBO special called "Addiction" that I'll be watching for sure. I'll be visiting your links often. And for sure, like you said, I know at this point I can't do it alone and need help, treatment, and support, especially after yesterday's mini-war LOL.
Believe me ASAP I am throwing myself into a program as soon as it becomes available. Here in Singapore, treatment is a selective and expensive thing, there's not any sort of financial support or community to find. Here it's all about "saving face", and admitting you're an alcoholic is as bad as admitting you're a criminal. And treatment here is in no way subsidized. It's lame, but it's sort of the Asian way.
Speaking of which, with all the bloody lushes over here in Asia I can't believe AA isn't as popular as chicken rice LOL.
If you have any other video or audio links please send them through, I can throw them in the Ipod when I'm ok enough to get outside for a walk.
@Least -
All of what you said is verbatim exactly how I felt before relapsing this latest time. Before this binge, in December until January 15 I had a major drinking spree. That time it ended in THE WORST withdrawals I've ever gone through. It was even worse than the detox I'm experiencing now, bcuz I had drank so much for so long then that my eusophagus stopped working properly and my stomach was cramping horribly for a long time. I couldn't eat anything solid for about 12 days and even swallowing liquids was a chore.
Thing is, the memory of that rotten feeling, when kept fresh in my mind, had me believing that there was NO WAY I would touch another drop of booze. But over the weeks up and until this latest binge the memory of that agony just stopped being so poignant and fresh in my head. Eventually it faded enuf that I finally succumbed again.
This is why I absolutely know that I cannot do this alone, that some serious help and treatment is needed. Bcuz if I could forget that pain and the fear of what I'd done to myself - and then subject myself to it again so easily, then I am in no way able to battle this disease without some serious allies and weapons.
Believe me ASAP I am throwing myself into a program as soon as it becomes available. Here in Singapore, treatment is a selective and expensive thing, there's not any sort of financial support or community to find. Here it's all about "saving face", and admitting you're an alcoholic is as bad as admitting you're a criminal. And treatment here is in no way subsidized. It's lame, but it's sort of the Asian way.
Speaking of which, with all the bloody lushes over here in Asia I can't believe AA isn't as popular as chicken rice LOL.
If you have any other video or audio links please send them through, I can throw them in the Ipod when I'm ok enough to get outside for a walk.
@Least -
All of what you said is verbatim exactly how I felt before relapsing this latest time. Before this binge, in December until January 15 I had a major drinking spree. That time it ended in THE WORST withdrawals I've ever gone through. It was even worse than the detox I'm experiencing now, bcuz I had drank so much for so long then that my eusophagus stopped working properly and my stomach was cramping horribly for a long time. I couldn't eat anything solid for about 12 days and even swallowing liquids was a chore.
Thing is, the memory of that rotten feeling, when kept fresh in my mind, had me believing that there was NO WAY I would touch another drop of booze. But over the weeks up and until this latest binge the memory of that agony just stopped being so poignant and fresh in my head. Eventually it faded enuf that I finally succumbed again.
This is why I absolutely know that I cannot do this alone, that some serious help and treatment is needed. Bcuz if I could forget that pain and the fear of what I'd done to myself - and then subject myself to it again so easily, then I am in no way able to battle this disease without some serious allies and weapons.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Singapore
Posts: 737
Originally Posted by Anna
Hi Binder,
I'm glad you are seeking support.
For me, in the early days, I changed my routines as much as possible. I drove home via different routes. After supper (the time I always drank) I made myself go outside and start taking long walks. I avoided certain stores. Basically, I changed as much as I could in an attempt to convince my brain that alcohol was no longer ruling my life.
I know you can do this.
I'm glad you are seeking support.
For me, in the early days, I changed my routines as much as possible. I drove home via different routes. After supper (the time I always drank) I made myself go outside and start taking long walks. I avoided certain stores. Basically, I changed as much as I could in an attempt to convince my brain that alcohol was no longer ruling my life.
I know you can do this.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Lowcountry
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by binderdonedat
That is inspiring to me, and I can see how things like that situation along with other battles won will definitely add to the resolve I was worrying about yesterday, more and more over time.
What was also pretty inspiring to me ... during that fight with my wife I found myself analyzing how I felt inside - more than just reacting to the situation - as well as concentrating mostly on the one thing that this website taught me bigtime... "nothing is as important as me staying sober, everything else has to come in second place". Before realizing that golden rule from reading this site, I would simply hear some rotten thing said or look at some horrid situation, and my inner voice would say "she said what? What happened? Well Ff$#! this I'm getting drunk cuz nothing is worth this crap." I'm beginning to see that something IS worth all the crap in the world... ME. That's a huge realization for me.
Binder,
Thanks for the posts and welcome to SR . Reading about your experience and hardfought successes is an inspiration to me.
Stay strong
Awakening
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Riverside, CA
Posts: 290
For me, remembering that I have this disease where alcohol is dangerous for me to drink is the best defense against wanting to drink that I've found. Not too different than the mentality that one can't eat sweets because one is diabetic. I try to keep it really explicit in my mind that way.
Rev
Rev
Snarf Snarf
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: ATL
Posts: 835
Originally Posted by least
For me, I asked myself two questions when I had the urge to drink: one, will drinking make this situation better? and two, do I want to wake up tomorrow sick as hell and hating myself? Of course the answers to those questions are "NO".
I have a very clear memory of how bad I felt last time I relapsed. I am determined to not go back there. So far I'm doing well and am sober over four months. I LIKE waking up with a clear head. I LIKE being ready for anything and not being too drunk or sick to respond to a crisis. I LIKE not wasting money or time on drinking. I LIKE the sober me so much better than the drinking me.
Have you thought about a long term recovery program? Like AA or one of the other programs? It's worth a try.
Welcome to SR!
I have a very clear memory of how bad I felt last time I relapsed. I am determined to not go back there. So far I'm doing well and am sober over four months. I LIKE waking up with a clear head. I LIKE being ready for anything and not being too drunk or sick to respond to a crisis. I LIKE not wasting money or time on drinking. I LIKE the sober me so much better than the drinking me.
Have you thought about a long term recovery program? Like AA or one of the other programs? It's worth a try.
Welcome to SR!
And I LIKE that none of these yummy things makes me feel like crap in the morning, or makes me late for work, or makes me lie about what I've been doing.
And I second your AA comments.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 256
One thing that helped me along the way was the notion of you can't drink if you literally do not pick it up with your hands. I know it might sound a little silly - but in those moments when it's around, available, if you just say to yourself, I literally cannot allow myself to physically pick up that drink, then you'll remain sober through those moments of temptation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Singapore
Posts: 737
Originally Posted by humblestudent
One thing that helped me along the way was the notion of you can't drink if you literally do not pick it up with your hands. I know it might sound a little silly - but in those moments when it's around, available, if you just say to yourself, I literally cannot allow myself to physically pick up that drink, then you'll remain sober through those moments of temptation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Singapore
Posts: 737
Originally Posted by joinedintime
It's been said already here, but I really believe you can't hear it too much.
One day at a time.
One day at a time.
I can really see now how this advice allows yourself to take the small brave step towards sobriety each day and in turn alleviates the overwhelming "forever" stuff for some other day... it's a powerful message in that respect. I would advise anyone who wants to stop drinking to NOT overlook this advice as just some quip (like I had for some 25 years).
As soberfornow puts it, "How do you eat an elephant? Take lots and lots of tiny bites."
@Newbeginnings - Also true enough in my last few days of sobriety, it can also very seriously translate into "1 hour at a time" or "30 minutes at a time" and the ever popular "5 minutes at a time".
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
