Aysha

I had a huge falling out with someone that I was friends with when I was in the halfway house. I was warned by her counselor that she is the way she is the first day I got there. Which is she gossips and likes drama and starts trouble by being in everybodys business. But I set my boundry since she was my room mate. Cause out the gate she started asking what I thought of this person and that person and then proceeded to tell me what she didnt like about them. I told her I didnt like her asking me things like that and I dont have time to worry about the next person.
She respected that. Until we got a little closer as friends as time went on. I guess I just got use to it and just ignored it aftewr while.
It is like she always has soemthing to say about everyone. And she also will deliberately look for things to get people in trouble for. Its like she is always on the look out for it. And she is a huge poor me victim player. She will tell on people for everything and then turn around and do the same exact thing like its ok.
For example. I had some candies in my room when I first got ther. She told me I am not allowed to have candy in the room and she is telling em this the same time she is stuffing her face with crackers and getting them all over the floor.
I mean seriously.
I really got sick of it the last time she told on her new room mate because her boyfriend fell asleep there all night and the girl is in drug court so she got violated and sent to jail and got kicked out of the program. Whether it was intentional or not, You dont go telling on somepone and then have some guy that is in the same program spending the day at your apartment too right after and think its ok. Your not suppose to be hanging with the other sex at all while in the program. That just was it for me. And she is telling my busness and I know saying things about me behind my back. And the always starting rumors, if some one misses a day at IOP or a meeting, first thing she does is go around telling everyone , I know they are messing up, They are getting high. You know they are. And its not even close to true. I cant stand people like that. So I had to tell her I need to distance myself from her because I dont like how she operates and I just cant be around her as much because of this. And she knows what she does. She lost it when I told her that and started calling me names liek dirty white trash bitch and the C word and all kinds of stuff. I didnt say too much except she needs to learn to mind her own business and to just stay away from me. Shes lucky I didnt punch her in the mouth with all that loud **** she was saying. But I am not trying to be that way anymore.
So I just let her make a fool of herself and that was that.
She tried to get me banned from the meeting at the house but it didnt work. I know she is trying to play the poor me act and get everyone to think I am the bad guy. I am pretty sure people know me better than that.
I dont even want to go around that house anymore now, Because she is still in their program and I would just rather not be around that immature stupid drama This why I dont get close to people.
I see this alot actually with the recovery community. At least where I am. Everyone is all in your business assuming the worst at all times. I am tired of it.
I only trust you guys. I always have and for now you are all I can and will trust.
I am not a people person to begin with. But you guys take it for what it is. It takes a special kind of understanding to bond with poeple like this I think. It forces you to look past the obvious when your not f2f because appearance and physical aspects like body language or anythign like that can sway peoples percpective alot of times IMO.
I feel bad cause I know I hurt the girls feelings, But its not like she doesnt know what she is like. And I cant be around someone like that. I am trying to look for the good in all things the best I can. I never liked that busy body BS anyway.
Anyway, my point is, I havent been to a meeting in over a week and I dont want to go becasue of that. I knw dont let others affect me like that. But I am super guarded now. More than before.

I am struggling some too lately. I am having those stupid thoughts. I was eating cheese the other night and I had a crumbles piece in my hand and it looked just like a piece of crack. Then my mind goes to how many hits I could get out of it and dumb stuff like that. Sounds stupid and silkly, but thats the type of stuff that leads me back.
I can need to tell on myself now. I dont trust anyone here because they will just be phoney thinking I am high already.
I stopped myself fast from that stupid ignorant thinking.
I dont ever want to go back tot that ****. I wont come back this time.
I am working again and I will have money. But I dont have all that time on my hands anymore and it feels good to feel normal and productive again.
Sry so long and pretty much pointless. I feel stupid even having to talk abotu something so freakin stupid as gossiping people. But it affects me and I cant feel like a bad person when i know I have no reason to.
And again, I know I can always come here. Thx for letting em vent like a babbling idiot.

aasharon90

Hi Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.

By the grace of my HP and people
like you here in SR I havent found
it necessary to pick up a drink of
alcohol since 8-11-90.

For that and you I am truely
grateful.

It is nice to have a place to
come and vent.

I know today that I never
have to go thru anything
by myself again.

Lots of times i vent to my
spouse just to get rid of
things that bother me or
people that aggivate me
or situations that dont go
my way.

In recovery ive learned that
I cant change people places
and things to suit my needs
or wants. I have to accept
them just the way that they
are no matter what.

And sure it ticks me off.

What matters the most is
to take care of me and follow
the principles and steps
provided to me here in
recovery.

There are several prayers
written in our BB of AA
that i memorized so that
I can say them anywheres
i need them. Or for any
situation i cant handle.

It calms me down and allows
me to find peace inside.

I also kept a journal during
my 25 yr marriage when i
needed to vent so bad and
didnt want to burden anyone.

My venting surely wasnt
ecnored by no means. The
Man upstairs knew exactly
what was going on with me
at all times.

In time...His time i was taken
care of and have been blessed
time after time.

In coming here and using
SR as my lifeline to AA along
with f2f meetings i get all i
need by subtle suggestions
by others sharing their own
experiences strengths and
hopes in many situations.

Even if its wondering what
to color my hair and how to
do it....lol

Dee74

hey Trish
I'm sorry you got caught up in some BS.

I really think tho that you're selling yourself short by not using that f2f support right now.

There will always be people who make it hard, but you know as well as I do how to not let someone get to you.

I'll be honest T - these two statements together make me nervous

just make sure you're not shortchanging yourself on support, ok?
D

Impurrfect

((Trish)) - I've gotta agree with ((Dee)). If you read your post about when you were leaving the house, you were adamant about how you were going to continue meetings and support groups.

There are ALWAYS going to be PIA's (pain in the azz's) in life, sometimes more than others. Part of recovery is learning to deal with them and continue to get what we need. The fact that you're struggling tells me you still need that extra support.

Yes, you did great at the sober house, but you left early and you just may not be ready to "fly solo" on SR alone yet. I know we, at SR, are awesome and we will always be here for you, but what's stopping you from finding another meeting to go to? Don't tell me they're too far away....I've heard too much about your ventures to get dope.

You ARE a strong woman and I know you have a low tolerance for PIA's, but maybe this is a lesson you are meant to learn. A huge part of our recovery is learning lessons...we get stuff kinda thrown at us and it's like a message "okay, here's what you need to learn how to deal with today". If we DON'T learn how to deal with it, we keep getting the same lesson thrown at us over, and over, and over.

I don't like dealing with obnoxious, gossipy, PIA people either. However, I've learned how to stand my ground, let what they say roll off my back (after I come here and vent) and if i think about getting numb, it lasts for about 1 minute and my mind instantly says "not an option, next" and finds something else to think about.

I'm very glad you came here and talked about it. Just remember, the sober house gave you lots of tools, but it didn't cure you. You're back at home, got a job, back with grams who you love dearly but can get on your nerves, and you're going to have money - same exact situation you were in before you went to sober house. It's up to you to use the tools you learned, and decide if you're going to follow through with what you said you were going to do. Accountability to ourselves IS a part of recovery.

Love, hugs, and prayers!

Amy

OZboy

..come on Trish..
take a deep breath,get out for fresh air,and rethink things....

..as always..your friend..Oz..

OZboy

..Trish....I was a 'meth-freek'...

..i had to swim my out of the 'mud-pit'..

..ain't touched the the stuff for about 6 tears(years)...

...take care...Oz..

Aysha

Today is not a good day.
I know I cant change others. But i can remove myself from them if I need to. Which was what I did. If she takes it like that. Thats on her. At least now I know I dont have to be around her anymore.
I have a Dr appt in the dope city in about 40 mins. My gram was suppose to go with me. When it was time to walk out the door, she pulled a BS cop out on me. WTF is that ****? I swear I dont know who the hell that women is anymore. I needed to stop here at the library and drop off some movies and grab another one. So she said she didnt feel like coming here first with the baby so she wasnt going.
She knows I dont want to go to the city by myself. good thing I dont have any money or I wouldnt even go. But I cant expect others to be responsible for me because I dont have the strength to simply go to the dr by myself. But dont tell me you arent going when its time to go there.
I dont think she takes this as seriously as I do or she doesnt care or something. Like the whole money to get to IOP and gas a few weeks ago. it was a freakin joke to her. I pisses me off.
But again I need to deal with this on my own sooner or later.
I really could use a meeting.

Those quotes you guys outlined scare me too. Because I know where that thinking leads. I am not even going to lie, I feel like smoking a huge boulder right now. And as angry and confused as I feel now, especially after what my gram just pulled, What an excuse..HUH?
But thats BS. I have come too far to act like some little kid and throw a crack smoking tantrum.
Last night my phone woke me up just before midnight. It some guy who said his name was Low and that he met me by the chicken place in the city where I go to cop. I was like what are you talkign about? I havent been in that city since Nov and I have only had that number for maybe a month. He was looking for a Brittney.
Wrong number, But what are the chances of me feeling like I have lately and soem dude from the drug spot calling my number by accident. I know it was but just the chance of a mistake like that happening is rare. I am being tested. and hardcore.
I do need to go to a meeting. Right now I gotta go to the dr.
Sry for ranting again.

Aysha

Yea, I think I already said what you did. But thanks.

I made it back.

You know..sometimes just ranting makes all the difference. Sometimes there arent any answers. But just getting it off your chest is all it takes. Which is the case with me alot of times.
I find myself thinking .."Some people just got so much **** with them. Its always something with them. How many times do they have to be told?"
I am one of those people too. That seem like they always got something goin on.

I know what needs to happen. I know I cant change others and its not others responsibility to keep me clean. Hence...
It is a work in progress. I am an addict, It will more than likely cross my mind to use once in a awhile.
But what I do with it is all that matters.

And for me...not making it known, whether I think I will do it or not, Is a definate set up.

I just want to make clear that I never said I was never going to a meeting again. I just said I dont trust these people as much as you all here. And I felt like I didnt want to go because of certain things.

I will be damned if I let anyone chase me away from anything that helps my recovery.

Impurrfect

(((Trish))) - I'm SO glad to read your last sentence. I do understand coming here to vent. I do it a lot

As far as grams...she's been through this for how many years with you? Maybe she's not going to take it seriously for a while...maybe never. She's not a spring chicken and she may be like my dad...he just doesn't "get" addiction and has no intention of "getting" it. I think he's the same age as your grams.

I'm glad you made it to the city and back. One more notch in your recovery belt. Keep it up, and there will be a day you go in that city and it won't bother you. I never thought I could go back to the city where I used and not give in, but I have....several times. The last time is when I found out my ex was dead. Kinda put things into perspective.

Get to a meeting ASAP. You have no idea how much it makes me happy to hear YOU say "I need a meeting"

Love, hugs, and prayers!

Amy

littlefish

Well, my two cents: that girl is physically in that halfway house, but it sounds like that is as far as it goes. It doesn't sound like she is doing any recovering at all. Doing other people's inventories shows that she is not learning much.

So, maybe you could describe her as being in the house, but definitely not in the program?

You will meet lots of personalities in recovery programs, but, the good news is that learning how to deal with them is a way of living life on life's terms.

Sure, I walk into AA meetings and listen to some people share some complete...hmmm: in my opinion, BS. I look at someone and think: NO WAY is that little college girl an alcoholic! Yeah, I do everybody's moral inventory.

But, then I have to stop myself and think: I am going to meet people for the rest of my life who are going to annoy and challenge me, and the ball is in my court, not theirs.

I went to a meeting with a friend the other day and he took out a little compact mirror and was looking at it. After the meeting I asked him if that was some new high tech phone. He said that it was his sponsor's suggestion to look in the mirror when he felt irritated or threatened by someone's share!
Good tool!

It sounds like you did the right thing with that girl: set your boundaries and disattached.

How about considering this: can you think of someone in the halfway house seriously working her or his recovery program? Someone who you can identify and connect with?
Because there were probably people there like that.

Sugah

Suggestion? Find some folks with good, quality recovery and make those folks your friends. I got sober with at the same time as about half a dozen other folks. I went to a lot of meetings with them (I had a van big enough to haul us all). I made connections in the rooms with people who'd been sober a long time; the other part of my cohort leaned on each other. By five months, I was the only one who hadn't gone back out.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

nogard

My friends have changed as time went on I had to leave others behind as they where to toxic and to a man they relapsed. I cant afford to worry what others say or do about me or others, I need to keep going back for support growth and to be there for others suffering.

Hope you make it back Trish.

Aysha

I think I am going to go to the house meeting tonight.
I was having some serious using dreams last night. Ones like I have never had before. I mean they were very very real. I kewpt waking up feeling like I was in the dream/ I felt like I was smoking and anticipating and fiending. It was horrible.
All I kept thinking was I just threw almost 6 mos away for that. I have never been clean for this long. Its been almost half a year!!!
I fe3el guilty for smoking a few cigarettes too. I havent had one in 3 mos and smoked like 5 over the past 2 weeks.
I really dont want that habit back again.
Thx everyone for just listening.
I feel like I been hit by a freight train today. Work is kicking my azz. I thought I was going to die yesterday.
My body hasnt hurt this bad in so long.
But I will get use to it again.
Thx again.

Dee74

I'm sorry Trish
using dreams are awful

Hope you go to the meeting
D