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124 days...not much to celebrate

Old 04-24-2010, 02:24 AM
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124 days...not much to celebrate

Hi all, new here obviously...lurked for sometime and I will say your forum is kindof comforting.Triggersome at times, but nice.

Im not sure what I;m trying to accomplish posting this, just wanting to be known I guess.


So I quit drinking last December. I'm 30 and I have been drinking 12-15 beers every day since I was about 25, a little less before that going back to 21.

I also had an extensive pot smoking career, which I finally wised up and dumped only a few weeks ago, and I have also managed to get an on and off opiate painkiller addiction going, which I have also abandoned in the last few weeks.
...all of this without any real recovery program...As you can imagine my interior life has been a real shambles in the last four months (of course it was pretty ragged before that as well).

So now I am finally a bit less miserable, I think I am starting to have some of this stuff worked out mentally. My problem is that I dont really have any kind of social/voluntary life going on at the moment....I guess the only thing that helped me stay sober is my shear capacity for boredom. That and horribly abusing cigarettes, coffee, and teh internets.

I sometimes feel like I need AA and i get serious about going but never quite make it...scaredeecat I guess. Dont wanna do the steps. Dont wanna take risks.

To sum it all up, I totally dont have life right and it sucks. Everything in my old life was alcohol related and thats all gone now. Ive always been pretty lazy but now its really bad and I have a lot of things I need to do for myself that I am feeling absolutely no motivation for... I need to get in shape, I need to get some friends, I need to rebuild my memory and intellectual skills. Basically I need to be something that resembles a normal human being who does stuff and knows people and isn't totally wasting their life....

But how do you do that?
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Old 04-24-2010, 02:37 AM
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Hi CR79

Quite simply I think maybe you need to reach out. Take a few of those risks.

You've got the not drinking bit down, now perhaps it's time to work on the other stuff, the filling of that void, the stuff that will keep sober.

It can start by posting here, although I think if AA is an idea in your head it would be good to try that on for size too.

Successful recovery's about change. There's no way around that really IMO.

But you're not alone - you'll find a look of help here

Welcome!
D
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Old 04-24-2010, 02:46 AM
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Hey thanks Dee.

Yea, I know it is nearly that simple as reaching out...but I've got all these convenient little mental blocks to doing so, a few of them valid! I dunno I just cant get rolling no matter what I do it seems.

My misery likes its own company.
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Old 04-24-2010, 04:28 AM
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Welcome to SR from a fellow Buckeye!

I'd suggest going to some meetings. In your city there are bound to be lots of them every day and night. Go to several until you find some you like. That will give you a bit of a social life right there just from meeting new people and maybe even taking part in some of their social events. Even if you just went with some of them for coffee after the meeting. It would be a chance to hang out with some new people and get to know them. Who knows? You could find some new friends.

The people I've met at meetings are, for the most part, kind and friendly. Give it a try! What have you got to lose?
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Old 04-24-2010, 04:58 AM
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Originally Posted by least View Post
Welcome to SR from a fellow Buckeye!
Wow, I was going to write that too, Least!

Welcome CR from another Buckeye... I hope you find this site as helpful as I do.
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Old 04-24-2010, 05:13 AM
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Good Morning, and welcome aboard (not a-bored!). <G>

You sound a lot like me before I got sober. In retrospect, I've realized that my entire life was controlled by fear, doubt and insecurity. I didn't know what I wanted, had little enthusiasm or motivation...other than to get drunk or high. Otherwise, that boredom (which is really just "emptiness inside") was my normal state of mind. And when a counselor had the gall to advise me to "grow up and stop whining," I was outraged....but he was right on the money. I had adopted the victim role...poor me....and was much more comfortable complaining and blaming than I was taking action....of course, that meant I had to take responsibility for my own life and state of mind. Wow! That was truly scary. What was even scarier was the notion of living my life without the substances that relieved my pain, fear and misery. How could I live without drinking? No way. Fear, fear, fear.

What I've discovered in recovery is that fear is normal, but I need to have the courage to walk through it. Most of my fears were groundless...just stuff in my insane thinking that was keeping me sick. Being afraid to identify myself as an alcoholic is one example. Another is the excuses I gave myself for not joining AA (the only requirement for membership is a DESIRE TO STOP DRINKING). The truth was that I was afraid it WOULD work....as it has for so many others. Sobriety scared the bejeebees outta me.

What I found in AA was that I was in gooid company....among those who experienced life as I did, through a vail of fear and self loathing....and had found a solution they were eager to share with me. The support of the AA fellowship healed me, and the 12 Steps changed me (I needed to change). It wasn't easy, and it wasn't the instant fix that booze and drugs offered, but once I became sincerely committed to the process (I had to overcome my trust issues so I could depend on others) I gradually became "filled up" inside, discovered a life of joy and happiness that wasn't dependent on outside influences. And I never wake up in the morning feeling guilty and ashamed....or not remembering.....what I did the night before.

You have inner resources that you haven't even dreamed of, that the process of recovery will help you tap into if you are willing to let go of your old, boring ideas....and be openminded and willing to change. Recovery for me has been an "inside job," but I needed outside help. Couldn't do it alone. AA worked for me. Maybe it'll work for you, too.

blessings
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Old 04-24-2010, 05:24 AM
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Welcome

If AA is not right for you, find something that is. There are other groups, there are therapists who deal with addiction, support meetings, etc.

Just keep your head in the game, and 124 days is definitely a celebration!! WTG!
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Old 04-24-2010, 05:27 AM
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Wow, Zbear, I think I've found my twin

Ditto, ditto and more ditto....
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Old 04-24-2010, 07:03 AM
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Welcome, I'm glad you posted. It's hard if not impossible to do 'this' alone and without loads of support. Congrats on the sober time, and I hope you find some xtra help that can push you over the hump of abstinence vs. living sober and in recovery. Personally I found a lot of help with staying quit by seeing a counselor who is experienced in alcoholism/addiction. Some people go to meetings, or find other ways to aid in their recovery. Regardless, being here has been huge for my support system and I think you'll find a nice 'home' here too
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Old 04-24-2010, 09:45 AM
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Welcome....and celebrate that sober time! Glad you are here.
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Old 04-24-2010, 02:57 PM
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Thanks for the replies everyone...especially Zenbear, very useful share thanks.
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Old 04-24-2010, 03:15 PM
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Yes, do reach out and take a chance.

Are there any sports that you're interested in that you could get involved in playing or coaching children? How about doing some kind of volunteer work in your community? Or set up an exercise program for yourself. I started taking long walks in recovery and found so much benefit from that.

I think you will find that taking one step will have a ripple effect.
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Old 04-24-2010, 05:23 PM
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Well done on your clean and sober time......

You over came destructive risky behaviors when you quit.
those are real solid successes.

Pleae take another step...find something that benefits
the new you...explore...get involved in living sober!
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Old 04-24-2010, 06:05 PM
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wow man, that sounds so much like what i am in it's scary (just further down the path a bit). congratulations on those days sense December. that boredom can be/is a KILLER... (a month and some days sober on this end) i definitely don't have any answers too it yet, but i am thinking this is just part of getting used to the sober life again, it's been such a long time without it (sober days) that i don't know how to act, for me i shut myself off from the world a bit, don't drink yet not really dwell on it too much if i can try not too, abuse smokes and coffee like no tomorrow, and pass these days along, thinking about "what i want to do" or "what i should be doing" and end up taking a nap or eating a sandwich i think it will come in time. thinking about making a list (an actual hard copy with pen and paper even) pf things i "would like" to do.... put that where i have too look at it, and see if that might motivate me... the boredom does suck, but i still have to say, i would rather be bored and sober than dry heaving in the morning.

good luck man, and if you figure anything out, please let me know too.
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