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Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 29
New to the forum
Hello all, I've been lurking on this forum for a few days and decided to post. Today is my second day without drinking. Sorry to be long winded but here is my story:
I've been drinking really heavily for 2 years. I'm 27 and I have been drinking until I passed out or blacked out about 5 days a week. During this whole time I've been making promises to myself to cut back or stop all together but I've always found excused to go buy more wine.
It's been a culmination of things for me to finally get serious about this. Both of my parents were/are alcoholic- my father has been sober and a part of AA for 18 years. My mother drank herself to death and died 3 years ago at 46
. I see so much of myself heading that way it's scary. Also I'm tired of being the funny drunk one. I'm ashamed at how many times I wake up not remembering what I did the night before and being the butt of all the jokes because I did something stupid. I am also incredibly tired of waking up hung-over. I've been able to keep a small grasp on my life.. but I feel it slipping. I go to school/work/church hungover. I realized I can't live like this anymore.
The worst part about this is the secrecy. In addition to going to school full time I work for a religious organization. If they knew I had a problem I would lose my job, period. This is what is keeping me from going to an AA meeting. I have a high-profile job and if anyone recognized me I would be in trouble. Also, I'm scared of meetings. I know if I went I would just cry through the whole thing.
I know I need support, but I'm ashamed of myself. I am thinking about talking to my dad but even that seems really really scary.
My husband knows, and is supportive. That's a relief.
I read through the detox thread and so far I feel great. I'm really thankful for that.
I've been drinking really heavily for 2 years. I'm 27 and I have been drinking until I passed out or blacked out about 5 days a week. During this whole time I've been making promises to myself to cut back or stop all together but I've always found excused to go buy more wine.
It's been a culmination of things for me to finally get serious about this. Both of my parents were/are alcoholic- my father has been sober and a part of AA for 18 years. My mother drank herself to death and died 3 years ago at 46
. I see so much of myself heading that way it's scary. Also I'm tired of being the funny drunk one. I'm ashamed at how many times I wake up not remembering what I did the night before and being the butt of all the jokes because I did something stupid. I am also incredibly tired of waking up hung-over. I've been able to keep a small grasp on my life.. but I feel it slipping. I go to school/work/church hungover. I realized I can't live like this anymore. The worst part about this is the secrecy. In addition to going to school full time I work for a religious organization. If they knew I had a problem I would lose my job, period. This is what is keeping me from going to an AA meeting. I have a high-profile job and if anyone recognized me I would be in trouble. Also, I'm scared of meetings. I know if I went I would just cry through the whole thing.
I know I need support, but I'm ashamed of myself. I am thinking about talking to my dad but even that seems really really scary.
My husband knows, and is supportive. That's a relief.
I read through the detox thread and so far I feel great. I'm really thankful for that.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Hi and Welcome!
Your post reminded me of the horrible feelings of shame and guilt that I had when I was drinking and trying to stop. It's such an awful disease. It messes with our minds, keeps us feeling guilty, which then coaxes us back into drinking.
I'm glad you have decided to stop and to live a sober life!
Your post reminded me of the horrible feelings of shame and guilt that I had when I was drinking and trying to stop. It's such an awful disease. It messes with our minds, keeps us feeling guilty, which then coaxes us back into drinking.
I'm glad you have decided to stop and to live a sober life!
Awakening
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Riverside, CA
Posts: 290
I think if you limit yourself to closed meetings at AA, your anonymity, and therefore your job situation, should be safe. Closed meetings are for alcoholics only, and I seriously doubt anyone who knows what you're going through on that intimate level is going to out you. Actually, I doubt ANYONE at ANY meeting would, but you'd have an extra level of security that way.
Congrats on your seeking of change, BTW. The path to help leads away from disaster.
Rev
Congrats on your seeking of change, BTW. The path to help leads away from disaster.
Rev
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 89
hi little chicklet.
I struggle with the secrecy issue too! But have been drinking heavily for far longer. I still in the early days of my current attempt at sobriety, but I wish you all the best! posting here is a great place to vent!
I struggle with the secrecy issue too! But have been drinking heavily for far longer. I still in the early days of my current attempt at sobriety, but I wish you all the best! posting here is a great place to vent!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 29
Hi everyone, here is an update. I am making my way through day 3. I felt super the last two days but woke up this morning puking and haven't been able to keep anything down until now. I drank a glass of water an hour ago and now I'm trying to drink watered down gaterade. If anything, I NEVER want to do this to myself again.
Thanks for the support.
Thanks for the support.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Buzz-free Zone
Posts: 1,372
Hello Chicklet,
You are certainly not alone.
I felt the same at day 3 - enough alcohol was still in my system during the first 2 days and day 3 began with my body adjusting to the absence of it. If, at any time, you're concerned, call 911. Good idea to check with your primary dr too.
You will feel better. Remember that picking up now would just cause this sick feeling all over again, and very likely, it could be worse next time.
Stay hydrated and rest, rest, rest. Don't eat anything you can't pronounce (ie, saturated preservative foods).
As for support - stay connected here - we know how you feel and have been there. As for outside f2f support, given your apprehension to be noticed, check with alcoholism counseling within your community. I did outpatient counseling one night each week for the first year and my counselor changed my life. He was professionally trained and also in recovery for many years. It's discreet, he was still required to uphold the anonymity of our sessions, etc. - it was live saving for me.
Take care of you! It does get better.
You are certainly not alone.
I felt the same at day 3 - enough alcohol was still in my system during the first 2 days and day 3 began with my body adjusting to the absence of it. If, at any time, you're concerned, call 911. Good idea to check with your primary dr too.
You will feel better. Remember that picking up now would just cause this sick feeling all over again, and very likely, it could be worse next time.
Stay hydrated and rest, rest, rest. Don't eat anything you can't pronounce (ie, saturated preservative foods).
As for support - stay connected here - we know how you feel and have been there. As for outside f2f support, given your apprehension to be noticed, check with alcoholism counseling within your community. I did outpatient counseling one night each week for the first year and my counselor changed my life. He was professionally trained and also in recovery for many years. It's discreet, he was still required to uphold the anonymity of our sessions, etc. - it was live saving for me.
Take care of you! It does get better.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
I go to, well on skype now, CBT counselor who is recovered and he is a God send!
I also have a very high powered job and would not get offered a job in my field if they knew i was an alcoholic, its fine once i get my foot in the door and then tell them i dont drink etc and they ask why and i say why do you think with a smile;-)
For me though i did go to AA and continue to do so because it became more important for me to be happy and the only way to do that was to get sober and some peace in myself...i would stack shelves in 7-11 than go back to that living hell again and i do mean that...
I liked Rev's post about closed meetings, maybe worth some consideration:-)
I also have a very high powered job and would not get offered a job in my field if they knew i was an alcoholic, its fine once i get my foot in the door and then tell them i dont drink etc and they ask why and i say why do you think with a smile;-)
For me though i did go to AA and continue to do so because it became more important for me to be happy and the only way to do that was to get sober and some peace in myself...i would stack shelves in 7-11 than go back to that living hell again and i do mean that...
I liked Rev's post about closed meetings, maybe worth some consideration:-)
Early sobriety can be a rough road. Stick with it tho as the results of sobriety are worth the effort it takes to stay sober.
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