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We are exactly where we should be..the first 30 days Recovery, like alcoholism, is a complicated and individual journey and I have been thinking of the phases that I have gone through. If you are anything like me (surely, someone is!), oftentimes, I have felt blindsided by my emotions, taken unawares by circumstances, and experienced anger, frustration, sadness, contentment, and acceptance. This was all new to me and I have often felt like I'm on a roller coaster, holding on for dear life, scared out of my mind, but yet also realizing, in equal measure, that this is one AMAZING ride! In hindsight, I think it might have been helpful if someone had told me what to expect, in general. Had I known, for example, that the first 30 days would likely involve ????, I would have felt a little more secure that I was normal and it might have given me a bit more confidence that whatever I was going through at the time, would pass. Although each person's experience is different, I'm betting that there are more than many similarities. Of course, I can only look back and still have no idea what lies ahead. Here, on SR, we have people of all types, many experiences and diverse lengths of sobriety. So, would any of you be willing to share your thoughts on this topic? Maybe I'm clueless, but it seems to me that the first 30 days is one stage. The next 5 months another, from 6 months to a year, then the second year. Do you agree, or do you see a different segmentation? I know that all the threads in newcomers deal with parts of this topic and that there is a sticky on the details of detoxing, but I am referring more to the PROCESS of recovery; focusing more on the changes we experience in our personality, the relationship dynamics, and our goals and aspirations. In other words, our new lives. First, I little background on me....I joined SR in April '08 because I was a binge drinker, out of control. I would drink one night, be sober for 2 or 3, and then drink again. I had incredible difficulty breaking this pattern. At the time, I had been attending AA and had a sponsor. All of my AA groups were filled with either old-timers or with those who said "this is it" and quit for good. As a result, I never told my sponsor, nor my groups of my ongoing difficulty. Periodically, I would confess to relapsing, so they knew that I didn't have "time", but never confessed as to how bad it was. On SR, I was honest and posted a lot, read a lot and made the '"2 week and under" thread, my second home. In Sept '08, I had my physical and asked my Dr for Antabuse. I took it to "get started" and from then until May '09, got lengthier sober time, but never more than 2 or 3 months, continuously. I still had periodic one-nighters. I was better, but I still couldn't "get it". In May, I had had enough and perhaps really accepted my alcoholism (surrendered) for the first time. I got a new sponsor, told her the REAL truth, went to AA a lot, did the Steps and have been sober since. I attribute my sobriety to a number of factors: a significant spirituality, AA, SR, the Steps, and lots of self-help books and workbooks. Over the past 11 months, I have felt like a photograph in developing solution (for those that remember that)....slowly changing, morphing, clarifying, substantiating. So, the FIRST 30 days: In hindsight, this was the most difficult time for me. There were subtle, but significant, differences this time around. I had been honest with my sponsor and groups and I was in for the long haul. I wasn't "holding my breath" and dashing as fast as I could. Because I had surrendered, I knew that this was going to be a "process" and "one day at a time" finally made sense to me. The physical withdrawal wasn't too horrendous, but the mental addiction was much more nebulous and difficult to sever. Everywhere I went, there were dumpsters I had used, stores I had been to. And my 5-7 pm witching hour had me hyper-attentive. My family (rightfully so) was taking a "wait and see" attitude. No cheering section for me, they'd been disappointed too many times. AA and my new sponsor were very supportive, however, and this made a great difference. I started journalling daily to help me sort out my feelings. Looking back, I was all over the place, but expecting instant results (no surprise...I'm an alcoholic, after all). The only concrete benefits, at this point, were that I was sleeping a little better and waking up with a clear conscience (something I still actively appreciate every day). I remember feeling a bit "holier than thou"...taking everyone's inventory. If I was making this major change, then GDit, they should be cleaning up their acts as well. When I finally reached 14 days, I felt like it had been forever. In fact, it was my longest stretch of sobriety in about 15 years. By 30 days, it was becoming clearer to me what aspects of my personality had held me in addiction. I have always been a cross between a chameleon and a gumby figure; always melding and sublimating myself to those around me (people pleasing), wanted "quick fixes" for any problem (sprinter vs long distance runner), for a variety of reasons, had always looked to others to take care of me (lack of responsibility for self/fear of abandonment) and had expected perfection of myself and others (fear of failure, controlling expectations). Certainly all of these contributed in my inability to deal with my alcoholism earlier and also made me petrified to be honest about my inability to get sober. It was becoming clear that fear had ruled much in my life. Thanks for reading! To the mods: If this seems redundant or better suited to the "Recovery Section", then by all means, delete or move it. What I am try to elicit are peoples impressions, in hindsight, of what each "stage" involved for them. |
You put a lot of thought into this. Seems so long ago, I can't really recall the first 30 days. I know, i wanted the pain to go away and to have a smile on my face like the people that'd been sober for a while in AA. The first few weeks I was only going to one meeting a week. Having idle time in my mind wasn't good back then. My magnifying mind kept playing what about this etc. I started going to more meetings towards the end of the first 30 days kept my ears open, my mouth stayed shut in a meeting unless, I had to speak. |
I guess what I'm getting at, Zing, is that, at any given moment, I thought to myself "So this is what it's about (and will be forever). But, in hindsight, I can see patterns and changes in my thinking, over time. There is a fine balance (isn't there always???) between staying in the moment and stepping back. And I guess what I am doing here is stepping back and looking at the last months as a progression. That realization helps me now because I don't know how I will continue to change and it leaves me open for growth. Journey vs Destination (although that goes against every fiber of my being, unfortunately). But thanks for taking the time to read! |
Originally Posted by HideorSeek
(Post 2577443)
This was all new to me and I have often felt like I'm on a roller coaster, holding on for dear life, scared out of my mind, but yet also realizing, in equal measure, that this is one AMAZING ride! . Thank goodness, the roller coaster ride turns into an occasional speed bump :)_ |
IDK, stages of recovery... I am constantly surprised by the twists and turns that recovering from alcohol can take. But the road keeps turning back, in one direction, towards God. Where I am at now, 19+ months, is that intellectualizing and analyzing often gets me nowhere, except frustrated. I am still learning what it means to surrender, to align my will with God's and to trust Him. Feedback??? Take this from one who was constantly and vigorously accused of doing the same thing... I see a lot of over intellectualizing in your share... over analyzing... If you are like me, you won't be able to figure it out by thinking, but you might find solace in prayer and meditation and.... acceptance. But like I said, I've been right where you are now. Once that boiling caldron of thought simmers down a bit, you will experience... serenity... and... ahhh, what a relief when you do. |
Well, Mark, that's sort of what I'm getting at. Yes, I suffer from an over active thinker, but my point is that things do change. " Letting go and letting God", I'm all for it and what my experience so far is telling me is to "go with the flow". Now, I'm dating myself...;) And it seems that you are saying the same...that what I'm feeling now will change and what you are feeling now will also change. It's definitely my cross to bear to kind of know what's coming. I will say that one major current I have seen in myself is more acceptance, less extremes, for lack of a better word, and more patience/tolerance for myself. |
In the first 30 days and now if i don't know if i should be feeling a certain way or want a heads up on the next 24 years i just ask my sponsor:-) |
HoS In hindsight, I think it might have been helpful if someone had told me what to expect, in general. Had I known, for example, that the first 30 days would likely involve ????, I would have felt a little more secure that I was normal and it might have given me a bit more confidence that whatever I was going through at the time, would pass. dang, did that pee me off. know what they meant now! for me, the fisrt 30 are still a fog, and at the same time most memorable, as i wanted one day of not drinking, and that i did have. remember doing lots and lots of reading, AA, and other positive books on life, and living life. as now i was not numbed, and medicated, i was starting to feel, me, and life for the first time. always put recovery first, and up front. when life came, and the shitt fairy, i had to deal with it sober, at first, i cant say it wasn't easy, or hard, just new and different. had some tools to handle it. also remember getting shanghaied by some drunks on these things called outgoings. also was learning about this self-centeredness that i didn't have, so i thought! lol me, me me, turned into we, we, we congratulations zip, you were showing up for life... |
My first 30 days were very difficult due to shame and guilt and a lot of negative feelings. It was truly the hardest thing I have ever done. I recognized at that time, that I had to look at myself as I really was. And, it wasn't who I thought I was. In some ways I was better than I had thought, and in some ways I was worse. And, I had to accept that. This was a huge step for me and essential to recovery. I had no idea where this journey would take me, but I knew that it would be a journey. There have been no patterns established. It has been two steps forward and one step back. There have been periods of feeling stagnant, to be followed by a breakthrough. After years of recovery, I have discovered that I was codependent long before I was an addict. I had no idea. My codependency led to my losing myself as I attached to my husband and then my children. Eventually, the drinking began. As cliche as it may sound, recovery is like peeling the layers of an onion. |
I can't remember too much to be honest - I had to go and look back at posts LOL Mostly I was scared - scared I'd drink again, and equally scared at the idea I wouldn't... Change and I have never gotten on well so I was scared of that too. I remember spending nights just lying back staring, terrified, at the ceiling holding on to the bed and wishing for 'normality' or some kind of peace... luckily I trusted the people here who said it would get better iff I just hung in there, and of course it did. For me the trouble started in the 60-90 day period when I started to relax a little and old thoughts and a little arrogance and complacency crept back, but I guess thats another thread LOL Thanks E! D |
Awesome post, HideorSeek. Thank you. It's really useful for me to read about the recovery process of other binge drinkers. |
Wow, thanks to each of you for giving so much of yourselves. For any who might read this and don't know, Zip, Anna and Dee have a lot of sobriety between them and I always pay attention to what they have to say. I know that my "first 30" is a lot more recent than yours, but that particular period is vivid for me. You're right, Zip, it was a raw time and a required a new way of being. And Anna, I like what you said about there being no patterns and likened recovery to peeling the layers of an onion. And sweet Dee, I think that fear of failure or fear of success left me in the same no man's land. You spoke of peace, Dee and I think that that is what I have been looking for all along. Peace from wild swings of emotion, peace from my raging mind, peace from the effort of always trying to be who I thought others wanted me to be. Alcohol did all of those things for awhile and then it made them worse. Those first 30 days left me alone with someone I had never known and I had no idea how to deal with that. I still don't, but I'm not as scared as I was, at least. My biggest obstacle is my incessant need to understand (look at this thread, for goodness sake) and yet I know that understanding something doesn't make it go away or make it any easier to deal with. I know this, but I don't know how to change that. Mark said earlier that this will come. I really, really hope he's right. I want to know what to expect....because of fear...it always comes down to fear for me. Box, I'd love to hear your thoughts too, if you would like to speak of them. My original thought was to share about the different periods I have gone through in the hope that it would help others who are going through the same "time". But it's becoming clear to me that I had a hidden agenda...that I wanted to know what to expect...some sort of assurance....guarantee about the future. How Mark would shake his head over that! Maybe it's best I just see what develops and take it as it comes. Funny that the lesson I'm learning here is not what I was seeking, but what I needed. |
Originally Posted by HideorSeek
(Post 2578876)
Funny that the lesson I'm learning here is not what I was seeking, but what I needed. I thought I was doing very well the first 30 days. I wasn't drinking! Later, my husband and son very politely informed me I was a **** on wheels. :) And now that I really think about it, my emotions really were all over the place. Very interesting thread. Thanks! |
No, I'm nodding my head... I've been where you are, fear of the future, what's this all about, and always... WHY??? And when I find myself back there again, wondering, trying to figure out, I try to bring it back to NOW... what's in front of me NOW... But it's all about progress, not perfection, right? One day at time... I heard that somewhere ;) Thanx for this thread. Mark |
My brain was so saturated ...all I could retain about sobriety was the banner above the podium in my daily AA meetings 'Keep Coming Back, It Works" Yes...I was exactly where I needed to be...:laughing: I did ...it has. |
I used to be a bugger for the detail too - that was another thing that stopped me getting sober I think. When I finally did it, I was so terrified about my situation - it was literally a leap of faith, out of the burning building, hoping there was a net....no time for thought. I'm glad in a way - I just kept my head down, didn't drink, tried my best to be of service and use, and grasped on to a central tenet - a day at a time. I kinda circumvented my brain for a while, which I think now I really needed to do. I could rationalise for the Olympics :) I wouldn't go as far as saying 'don't think', but I agree certainly don't let thinking take the place of action. The main goal in early recovery is to stay sober, as I see it. That takes a lot of work, or it did for me. And I was surprised by just how many other things fell into place when I did just that...:) D |
HideorSeek, I'm back to day one so I'm not qualified to offer anything but a cautionary tale on the insidiousness of alcoholism. I had over 90 days, then tried to do something I wasn't ready for: namely put myself into an environment where drinking alcohol was the daily norm. I didn't appreciate how vulnerable I was. I needed to protect myself and my sobriety at any cost, and I didn't do that. I expected too much too soon. In regards to the first 30 days: I remember it as a period of extreme highs and lows interspersed with moments of profound peace. |
seeky, from the 30 days, to seeking this... growing up, and maturity maturity - is the ability to control anger and settle differences without violence and destruction maturity - is patience. it is thw willingness to pass upimmediate pleasur in favor of long-term gain. maturity - is perseverance. the ability to sweat out a project or a situation of heavy opposition and discouraging setbacks. maturity - is the capacity to face unpleasantness and frustration, discomfort, and defeat, without complaint or collapse. maturity - is humility. it is being big enough to say "i was wrong" and when you right, not saying "i told you so" maturity - is the ability to make a decision and follow through. the immature spend their lives exploring endless possibilities and do nothing. maturity - means dependability, keeping one's word and coming through in a crisis. Based on the Serenity Prayer maturity - is the art of living in peace with what we cannot change, the courage to change what we know should be changed, and the wisdom to know the difference. not trying to get off the track, as what to expect, is not as important, as the end results love you seeky |
Originally Posted by HideorSeek
(Post 2578876)
You spoke of peace, Dee and I think that that is what I have been looking for all along. Peace from wild swings of emotion, peace from my raging mind, peace from the effort of always trying to be who I thought others wanted me to be. Alcohol did all of those things for awhile and then it made them worse. Those first 30 days left me alone with someone I had never known and I had no idea how to deal with that. I still don't, but I'm not as scared as I was, at least. My biggest obstacle is my incessant need to understand (look at this thread, for goodness sake) and yet I know that understanding something doesn't make it go away or make it any easier to deal with. I know this, but I don't know how to change that. Mark said earlier that this will come. I really, really hope he's right. I want to know what to expect....because of fear...it always comes down to fear for me. Box, I'd love to hear your thoughts too, if you would like to speak of them.. Alas, that changed. I lost the initial "gift" of desperation, and let my thinking take over again. I finally intellectualized myself right back to drinking, although it took five years to do it. Instead of coming to recovery with empty hands, mine remained full of my old ideas and beliefs. I wanted to let God....but couldn't "let go," first. I got complacent, arrogant, and was superficial in my recovery work. I was not "fearless and thorough" from the very start, and half measures ultimately availed me nothing. When I returned to recovery, the first 30 days were quite awful. No more "magic," just a real grind, full of shame, guilt and humiliation. Doing "the work." Showing up. Taking direction. Doing what I didn't feel like doing. Feeling the feelings. But it worked and I've remained sober. And I continue to explore, change and discover myself in new ways. I am less and less a prisoner of the past and able to be open to the miracle of the moment. I don't mind feeling confused, because that just lets me know that I'm open to "not knowing." I wake up every morning feeling enthusiastic about the unknown adventure awaiting me....and how my devotion to practicing love rather than fear will continue to change me. I have my ups and downs, but I've also learned that I'm in charge of that as well. AA has taught me that my recovery depends on my spiritual condition, and I focus...from the moment I wake up, to going to sleep, on my spiritual fitness. And that includes noticing, and busting myself when I'm back in that fearful ego. This design for living is anything but boring. Thanks for your post(s). Very thoughtful. As someone else mentioned, eventually we get beyond the "thoughtful"...the analysis and the thinking....and internalize that spirituality that for me has meant "practicing the principles in all my affairs," and finally achieving that inner peace that I define as "happiness." And btw....I STILL think too much<G>. blessings zenbear |
Zenbear, great post. I can so relate. Feeling the feelings, yeah, I hear ya! Great topic too HideorSeek. My first 30 days were going well, until I relapsed at 40 days. The "second" 30 to 90 days went by in a breeze, I guess it was pink cloud time. Presently, I'm at a bit over 5 months, and the cloud changed from pink to black. Every emotion I have feels like an exposed nerve ending, raw. I have my emotional "junk" hitting me from every angle, and instead of numbing it away with alcohol, I have to face it sober. I'm much more settled into sobriety now, I can feel the feelings without hiding or numbing, no matter how uncomfortable it is. I know it will pass, with patientience. I have to be open to all the possibilities the persent moment will bring. |
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