staying clean and feeling alone
 

I’m feeling alone, very alone. It reminds me of childhood; feeling different, separate, and scared. But now at 49 years old, I have some experience with this so that during these times I’m feeling just as terrified as when I was 10 years old, but I am able to accept it. I am able to be with the terror and experience it with my ‘observer self’; so that it’s the two of us who feel the pain.

It’s living in my gut, this fear, and in the lower part of my Heart. It’s tense and anxious and my muscles are tight and my insides all wrapped into an impossible knot. And yet with a soft song of the birds, or the gentle voice of a friend, or even the memory of a time when there was peace or when I received the touch of unconditional love, it is then that I am able to witness the impossible. And the knot unravels slowly at first, building up speed, until in a moment I notice that I am free.

Then all will be well. It’s receding now; I can breathe better. I am settling into the gravity of my contact with the earth. I notice a song playing, from when I was a teenager. It speaks of cold winter thoughts and the empty space within me. Steve Miller’s “Wintertime”. It’s cold memory. But it’s also real today. It’s all a miracle. It’s a marvel to think of the wonder of life. Now a happier southern sounding sing-along plays and I’m almost happy. And yet the knots don’t want to give way and they stubbornly hold on to their grip.

I want to call someone, but no one may answer. I want someone to fix me right now, forever, so that I can finally ‘get it’. But for some reason right now, I don’t want to hide or run further away. I want to be…what is…right now. I've put all my life into just this one day, and right now is a moment that I won’t throw away just because it hurts.

More and more I want to live with these downs and ups. Sometimes, I cherish when I live in this pain, and then rise to the top, and then fall even further in darkness. Especially when it all ends with peace and I can say goodnight to my life, “it’s been a good day”; and fall into sleep.

But for now the knot is looser. It’s a nice place to be. A middle ground with both the peace and the pain.

You write very well....

Middle ground is a good place to be.

And, you know, the only one that can fix you, really is you. THAT is the beauty of sobriety. I wish you peace.

Beautifully written, ksplash. Your words reminded me of a passage from "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp:

"There’s something about facing long afternoons without the numbing distraction of any sort of anesthesia...If it feels dangerous and scary and threatening and painful, it is probably healthy."

Thank you, k - your written expression is heartfelt and meaningful.

HB

i just got back to the computer and am feeling better. I've been hanging at the alanon club for a couple hours now and it's helped. so many good people here. whatever i have now is so much better than what I had when I was using.

good night

Nice post. I know what you mean about feeling alone. I feel alone all the time, especially when I'm around alot of other people.

Rev

great post ksplash :You_Rock_

D

Hi ksplash,

What a powerful post, amazing.... thank you for sharing.

Mahi

:grouphug:

thanks for all responses....

this aloneness is partly just part of my human condition and is often noticeable. but also partly from an end of 7 year relationship. so that's part of my roller coaster. i think it will pass fairly quickly...just the normal grieving i would expect after such an event.

I feel bad because we've been through a lot. I feel scared because this is new ground; like i have no one to do things with (automatically--so I have to create my life more actively). i also feel scared because one of the chief reasons for breaking up is that I (AND HER) need to stay single and develope a foundation and find myself and all that. I feel lonely because that's what happens after a break up.

It's been a roller coaster today...but i'm feeling OK right now...