Hospital wants me to seek help.
 

I got transported last night after drinking a pint of whiskey and breaking my wrist. .24 on the BAL screening so I don't remember the whole night I wasn't driving and I'm of legal age so I'm not in trouble but they are urging me to get help. They gave me a bunch of pamphlets and stuff but I don't really think I need help. I drink a lot, like every day but that's only because I am trying to numb things out. I have a lot going on and I've been stressed and drinking makes me feel better/care less/forget. I'm not addicted to alcohol and if I was happy then I wouldn't feel the urge to drink. So I just don't think that AA meetings would help me much since they're focused on getting rid of alcohol dependence. Am I correct in thinking this? I have a therapist & I am on anti-depressants but that doesn't change the fact that my life sucks right now (just got my heart broken by the man I've been with for 6 years & my brother died in Iraq 7 months ago) & going to meetings won't change how bad that hurts. It's just frustrating because my parents know I went to the hospital and they are very worried about me and are begging me to go but I just feel like it's not made for someone who isn't an alcoholic and is just using it as a way to destress and forget.

You will only get sober when you want to get sober.

Peace

Hi SomeoneSomewhere

I look at your story - you got transported last night after drinking a pint of whiskey and breaking your wrist. .24 on the BAL screening, you dont remember the whole night, the hospital staff are urging you to get help...your life sucks and you're drinking, a lot every day, to get numb and forget.

I think you do need help, yes.

I nearly died from my drinking and this fits me as perfectly as anything else I've ever read here.

It's obvious you have a lot of stuff going on emotionally but drinking is not the way to fix it SS.

Please - speak with your therapist about this.

Don't let yourself be fooled by the cross talk in your head.

If you really honestly think you're not dependent on alcohol? Try not drinking for 30 days.

I hope you stick around Someone Somewhere.
You'll find a lot of support and encouragement here

D

The rooms of AA are filled with people that were once at the exact place you are. Luckily they lived through their denial and worked hard on their recovery & sobriety.

May you get to the point of accepting that you are an alcoholic & powerless against alcohol before you do too much damage to yourself & your future.

All of the best in your recovery :ring

NB

I believe you do have a problem because of the extent of your drinking and your reasoning for drinking. Over time this will abuse will only grow stronger and your pain will only worsen. I know how you feel because I drank to forget my divorce, drank this past week because my active duty hubby was on a mission. None of which my friend made it better. The drinking will only worsen in time until you decide to stop.....I know this and please don't let your reason to stop be the one that almost killed me.

You need support through this journey. You will be amazed at how many are out there like you, me, etc.

Be strong and only through sobriety will you heal.

Kim

It sure seems like you need help and that stopping drinking would be a good idea for you, but that's up to you to decide.

Take a look around here and read and learn.

Continuing to numb your pain by drinking is only going to delay the process of getting through the grief. People all over the world lose family members, children, spouses, friends etc. People die, spouses and boyfriends break up. There is always some sort of loss or pain that we have to deal with.

By drinking, you're not dealing with it. You are ignoring it.

No one is happy all the time. Life is hard. Alcohol just makes it harder when it is used as a numbing tool. You're not living. You're hiding.

SOSW
I lost my younger sister from alcoholic Liver Failure only 5months ago. I found her dead in her house. I spent years trying to stop her from drinking with absolutely no luck. YOU sound just like me! but maybe for different reasons.
While I was going through this addiction with my sister, I wasnt paying any attention to myself (I was actually drinking too, no aware of how much) because my focus was my sisters addiction)
Now she has gone, I too have been drinking every night, somehow mourning the loss of it all. Depressed, yeah, I have been a mess and at times wondering what my purpose is on this earth too. I too, thought I didnt have a drinking problem as I was just numbing the pain, but I dont want to end up like my sister.
But you know what, I am sensible enough to realize this is all a matter of mind and attitude.
We can both drown our sorrows and feel sorry for ourselves but at the end of the day, what for? My sister would be so angry with me right now, so I have decided that I will respect her and just get on with my life. Sounds hard to do hey?? We can do it, so what I am trying to do right now, is laugh, and enjoy the family I have right now. Its just not fair on them for me to be this way.
It hasnt been that long (for you and me) the loss, the emotions etc so it takes some time. But the fact you are in here SR asking these questions makes me see that you are as strong as me.
Big hugs and support for you. Think positive and the world will come to you.
Jo

I'm confused. You said you weren't an alcoholic but only drinking to destress and forget. Why did you come to SoberRecovery? I was afraid to admit I was alcoholic but knew deep down that I was, or at the very least, had a bad problem with alcohol. I too was using it to destress and forget but it only made things worse. If you feel you're not dependent on it try not drinking for a while and see how it goes.

The antidepressants you're on won't help much if you're drinking cause alcohol is a depressant itself.

Welcome to SR! :welcome

Thank you all for your replies, you're all really supportive and said some things I really needed to hear, even if they're not always the easiest thing to hear.

I'm going to reply to you guys separately because that just seems to be the easiest way.

NeoMarx- You're right. Right now I don't know WHAT I want. I want to be happy. I want to get back with my ex-fiance and I want a lot of things I can't have but the things I can control like getting sober...I don't want those things. It just feels like I don't want anything sometimes. It's hard to explain.

Dee-
I couldn't do that. I mean I never thought about it like that before...but I don't think I could not drink for thirty days. I really don't. It's been SO long since I've even gone a few days without drinking. I haven't really tried but even now after last night I'm sitting here drinking again. I mean there's been days where I didn't drink and I felt that urge to drink, to get that feeling you get when you drink...and I know it's not the right way to deal with stuff and it's not going to help me get over my brother or my broken heart but... I do it anyway. I have another appt with my therapist in a couple of weeks. I haven't seen her in a while because I just started another job so my schedule has been insanely packed but I will be honest with her when I do.

New Beg-
That's what I tell myself sometimes. That my denial of having a problem is JUST like everyone else. But then there is this voice in my head that says I'm different because I could stop if I got my ex back or my brother back or happiness or this or that...I'm always looking for ways to separate myself from those people who have done the same thing I'm doing. And while I can recognize that there is this stubborn thought/feeling in my mind that I am different even if I can't logically justify it. It's like I argue with myself...


Kmb- I'm glad to know I'm not alone in drinking because of a relationship ending/general life stress. I'm praying for your husbands safe return. Is he in the special forces? (I just ask bc you say mission and my brother was in the spec. forces and thats the type of terminology he used as well)

Fran
I guess what youre saying is kind of hard to hear. Because yeah people lose the ones they love all the time but that doesn't make it any easier. That doesn't make it hurt any less. My brother died protecting this country. It's because of him and others like him that we stay safe and he's my hero. But he was also my best friend. We were REALLY close. He was my big brother and he was seriously the most wonderful, amazing brother ever and he should not have died at 26 years old. I'm not saying that it justifies what I'm doing and I know you probably just meant I can't let this ruin my life but right now I just can't get over that though I guess what you're saying is that's obvious because I'm NOT dealing. It's only been in the past month that I've admitted out loud/online that my brother died. For 6 months I just like pretended he never existed...maybe this is the first step in dealing with that. I don't know.

JustJo
I am so deeply incredibly sorry about your sister. I really am. Your reply was a real eye opener for me. If I ever killed myself from alcohol poisoning or alcohol related death...it would kill my parents. They are good people. They already lost a son, they can't afford to lose a daughter. I can't do that to them. I say I would never overdo it to that level but who really knows? It scares me to think about that. Right now I can say I'm hurting no one but myself but the truth is this can hurt the people I love. And you're right. My brother and your sister would NOT want us to be so unhappy. My brother would be SO angry with me if he knew what I was doing. He would seriously drag my @ss to rehab weather I thought I needed to go or not. We all talked about the possibility of him dying in family therapy when he joined the army but we never thought it'd really happen but he told me the one thing he wanted from me was to be happy and know he died for a country he loved to protect. So I know he wouldn't like what I'm doing at all.

Least
I guess it's because deep down I know I have a problem with alcohol. But I guess due to denial and just...reasons I can use to justify not being one, I can't admit or truly have faith in saying I'm an alcoholic. It's like part of me can see it and the other part refuses to accept it. I guess maybe I was looking for people to say “Youre not an alcoholic, you dont belong here” etc but the more and more I read replies and posts from others, the more and more I see that maybe I do have a bigger problem than I think. And yet despite all that there is still this part of me that refuses to accept that as truth.

Once again thanks to all of you for your replies. It is greatly apprciated.

There is Freedom in accepting that we are alcoholics. In doing so, we begin the task of cutting those bonds that enslave us. Yes, we are slaves to alcohol. It rules our days, takes over our thought patterns, and numbs our feelings.

I could tell you about all the dear family members I've lost over the years. I am 51. I've had watch my dear Great Aunt die by inches in a nursing home over 5 years. She was my mentor, my example, she loved me unconditionally. I held the hand of my father 10 years ago when he died after fighting Congestive Heart Failure for 12 years. I stood beside the bed of a wonderful brother-in-law just 3 years ago after a 2 year battle with horrible colon cancer. He was only 60.

I stood by my husband after he admitted to having an affair after 28 years of marriage. He and I went through a terrible time in our marriage because of a terrible family issue. He escaped into the arms of another woman. I escaped into a bottle. We survived that, it's been 2½ years since I found out, and we are still together.

I could blame ALL of those things for my picking up drinking again 4 years ago. I could justify my actions. But I won't do that. That is not the person I want to be. I want to live my life and not be in a fog. I want to enjoy my grandchildren and my kids those few times a year we get to see them. I do not want my legacy to be the memory of a drunken out of touch woman who was so weak and bitter that all she could do to cope was drink.

You have your entire life ahead of you. Who is that person you want to be?

Hospital wants you to seek help.....
 

MAY TRIGGER.........................MAY TRIGGER.....................................







Hi SomeoneSomewhere,

I, too, was where you are with doubts & denial about my drinking too much. I used alcohol to self-medicate my depression/anxiety & life/living grief.

I got to the point where I could not go without a drink at a certain time of day after work. If I couldn't drink I would have the shakes & most certainly the beginning stages of withdrawal. :c021:

I was from a family with a history of alcoholism, depression, & anxiety issues.
I was 48 when I asked for help & was one very sick person even though I had never been to jail, lost my home, or family. I did keep telling myself that if I kept my job, my home clean, my kids clean & well fed... that I abused alcohol but was not an alcoholic.

How I got to the place where I wanted help was when I wanted to be sober for myself more than anything else in the world. I did it with the help of AA Meetings, a Sponsor, meditation, & working hard to live a sober life to the best of my ability.

I had losses & grieving issues before I drank much but after each issues would feel I deserved to drink more. I have had some of the same issues since being sober & did not even think of a drink making it better.

I mentioned my family predispositions & one was my son. He spent four years in the Navy after highschool & when he was discharged had a serious drinking problem...he got to the point where he lost several jobs in a row due to drinking on the job...did go for treatment & counseling but it didn't solve his issues so he quit the medications & continued to drink...just like me.

Seven years ago he had a failed attempted suicide & now is a quadriplegic in a wheelchair the rest of his life. He is 40 years old now & living in an Adult Family Home because he needs 24 hour care now. The VA provides all of his medical needs & medications & the state helps the VA pay for the facility he lives in. :react We may never know why? I had been sober fourteen years then & when I got back home from the Trauma Hospital I went back to AA. I was already retired & never once thought of a drink making things better.

I did have problems with my depression/anxiety so went back to counseling for six months. Then I found Sober Recovery and it has helped me more than I could ever believe.

I hope you keep searching your inner self & come to find what it is like to be sober. Life can be hard but living it sober works better.

kelsh

Yeah SomeoneSomwhere, we all have felt that we were quite unique along with our reasons to drink. Here is a link the the AA Big Book PDF. Check out page 328 "Crossing the River of Denial" (its in the personal stories section - Part 2 in the table of contents)A.A. Big Book

Take Care & sorry for your loss :ring

I told myself I wasn't going to drink for two days. I didn't even make it past 6:00 last night. I went out and blew another twenty bucks on yet another bottle.

I just got buzzed, stopped after a little but still. How the f*** can I sit here and feel like I don't have a problem? How can I argue with myself, how can I logically see how bad this is but I can't truly admit it to myself.

I can't make it through the day without a drink. I think about alcohol all the time. I crave it.

Why I keep denying that is beyond me. I'm really angry with myself right now. Because I can't even go 24 hours without drinking and yet I somehow still can't admit to myself that I might be an alcoholic. And I'll drink tonight. I Know will. I'm sitting here at 10 AM and I already want to.

How is the even possible? I don't know what to think or feel anymore.

The essence of the disease of alcholism is denial, huge denial. When I look back at my life during those years, I can't believe what I was thinking.

You do not need to drink tonight. Toss the booze, make a decision to stay sober and hang out here. We do understand how confusing and difficult this is.

Yes you CAN! You have to force yourself to not drink. It's hard at first but it does get easier. Can you see a doctor for help in getting thru withdrawals? Supervised detox can be a good thing to get you thru the worst of the w/d. Stop telling yourself you can't stop - you CAN. It's hard but it can be done. And the rewards of giving it up are so many.

I am baffled how you can say this, but think you are not an alcoholic? I think maybe you need to re-consider that decision.

I was once right where you are with drinking. I would crave it as soon as I got up, but wouldn't drink during work. But as soon as I got home I would take a couple shots of vodka in my garage before I even walked into my house. Thinking about alcohol all day is no way to live. The sooner you admit your powerlessness over this liquid, the better off you will be, I promise!

There is a lot of information on these boards, and TONS of people willing to help. I hope you use the tools on here and experience a life you never dreamed possible. Covering up your emotions and pains with alcohol doesn't fix them, or even allow you to deal with them. It just prolongs the agony, and makes it MUCH worse when you do decide to deal with them.

I pray you find the help you need. :)

I already drank. It's frekin not even noon yet and I already had a drink. Not a ton but I can feel it. I tell myself I can control this, that it's not out of my power. I guess the reason I feel like I'm not an alcoholic is because I feel like I'm making the decision to drink. I'm the one who wants to feel numb and normal and less miserable. I'm making the choice to drink like I do. I feel like I'm in control. I guess I feel like to consider myself an alcoholic I'd have to feel like I don't have control over how much I drink. But it's like...I crave the feeling of being drunk because I want to get that feeling...not because I NEED to drink. I really don't know what to think or how to feel anymore. I say I can control it and I honestly thing I could but the thing is I don't like how I feel when I'm sober.

I'm not going to get better until I realize that I'm hurting myself. I'm not going to get better until I decide I want to. So why can't I? Why am I risking throwing my whole life away?

Because alcohol is more powerful than we are. It is the disease telling you that YOU are in control. It really is a VERY ugly disease. Maybe just go to an AA meeting and see if you can relate to them? What do you have to lose? All to gain in my opinion. If you enjoyed alcohol so much and were in control, you would not be here looking for answers. Best of luck. :)