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Old 04-19-2010, 09:46 AM
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Hi everyone, I'm new to the board and i'm struggling with some issues that mainly have to do with alcohol. I had my first drink at 18 and i definitely had a crazy reaction. I turn into someone else. Normally I'm shy, quiet, reserved, but when i'm drunk this crazy obnoxious person emerges. Some people have had fun with the drunk me but most people find it annoying and dont want to drink with me. I'm 31 now.

I havent been a heavy drinker all along. In college i drank mainly on weekends, but that calmed down once i met my now ex husband. I lived with him for a year in CA and i really didnt drink. The thought of keeping booze in the house seemed crazy to me. He and i were married and after a year he ended things with me via phone. He was military, said he didnt think i could handle the life style and he basically no longer wanted to be with me. Very difficult. I was 25 at the time. The past few years of my life have been weird. I have had a few relationships with men that have been disastrous. I picked emotionally unavailable people or people who i knew i shouldnt be with. I never expected to be divorced, really never expected to be single and 31. I know i'm not ancient but i'm not a kid anymore whatsoever even though i feel like one still. I'm very immature compared to most of my peers it seems. I'm watching people get married, have kids and i cant seem to find a good man or be happy with myself.

The past 2 years of my life have been awful and i think alcohol is the main reason. I was in toxic relationship where the guy always ended things with me pointing out all my flaws (getting drunk was one of them even though he constantly would call me late at night when he was drunk), then he'd come back telling me he loved me. I got laid off last spring, 3 weeks later i got a dui. I smashed my car into a tree one night and flipped it over. you would think maybe that would have just made me feel happy to be alive and try to do things right but i havent. I still drink. I recently ended the toxic relationship in the beginning of march, i changed my #, yet he still left a note on my porch for me which i ignored.

For the past 2 years or so i guess i'd drink about 2-3 bottles of wine a week on average. Sometimes i'd drink the whole bottle in one night (alone). For the past month ive been trying to cut back. I keep telling myself, do not keep booze in the house, but in the evening when i'm bored even after the gym, i'm like, i need wine. I dont know what it is that i like about it anymore. It's a waste of calories, it's caused so many problems for me and i can never have just one glass. It has a calming effect at first, but i have to finish the bottle. I'm the same way with food. If there's a bag of chips in the house i normally eat the whole thing. I just find it so difficult to control my cravings.

Alcohol is ruining me. I have lost friends, even family members. My brother and his girlfriend no longer invite me out with them due to the way i behaved a few times. the thing that bugs me though is that we have another cousin who gets drunk and acts stupid a lot, but i guess it's ok because he's a man. My mom always says, nothing worse than a drunken woman.

Last week i hardly drank at all during the week (just one night) then this past saturday, i got smashed. I hate living like this. I went out for drinks with a friend, i never think i'll get drunk, i guess i'm in denial because then i always do.

I have an appt with a counselor on thursday. I went to AA a few times last year, just didnt like it.

so that's some of my story.
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Old 04-19-2010, 09:50 AM
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Welcome to SR and thank you for sharing your story. Look around SR and do a lot of reading. I did that and found a lot of similarities and found people that had this in common with me. What a relief to know I wasn't alone in this. Sorry AA didn't pan out for you. There are other recovery groups though. Good luck and again, welcome.
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Old 04-19-2010, 10:01 AM
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Welcome to SR! It seems like a lot of us take it to the very edge before we stop drinking. I could see it was a terrible strain on my relationship with me kids but still couldn't/didn't stop. I had to want to be sober more than I wanted to drink, and I still relapsed too many times. I hope you can find some help in counseling. I've been seeing an addiction counselor for about three years now and she's been a lot of help. I hope your counseling is as helpful.
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Old 04-19-2010, 01:04 PM
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Hi Laure78--Just wanted to say hi . I'm new here too and we are about the same age/I also relate about the "nothing worse than a drunken woman" message. Good luck.
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Old 04-19-2010, 01:32 PM
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I'm new here too. So far, I don't say much, but it's been nice just to see that so many people relate. Hope you find SR and counseling helpful as well. Good Luck!
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Old 04-19-2010, 02:38 PM
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re

Thanks everyone I am going to tell the counsellor about my alcohol issues, but I'm mainly seeing them for depression. I think the alcoholism is likely a manifestation of the depression. I end up drinking because i'm unhappy. So we'll see how it goes.

Other than that i just feel bored. I spend all day at work, cant wait for the day to be over, but for what? To go work out? watch tv? I guess i need some new friends. I feel like an outcast being single. It's sad...but by my age it's like there's something wrong with you if you're alone...and well i guess there is something wrong with me.
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Old 04-19-2010, 02:52 PM
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Hi Laure78

Welcome.
I hope you'll find friendship and support here. There's a lot of folks who understand

I was single a long way past 31, btw - it turned out ok
D
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Old 04-19-2010, 02:52 PM
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Welcome to you too Goldfinch

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