adore79

i got drunk one night and got in a big argument with my folks, threw a bowl of salad on the floor, etc... acted like an idiot pretty much. The next day they went and told my probation officer about it. i am trying to forgive them but i dont know if i can, they want to see me in jail, they have said as much. if i screw up again it means jail time. but ive been doing really well, ive slipped a few times but not bad, i rarely think of alcohol anymore but sometimes the urge hits me like a hammer. im on disability for mental illness and my monthly check goes straight to my folks, so i rarely see money, they keep me away from it for fear i will drink it. i feel degraded and less than a human.

Aysha

Gee fel, I dont know what to say.
Rarely thinking about drinking is irrelevent. You drank. And as a result, there were consequences.
I dont want to hurt your feelings because you know I care about you. But what do YOU have to forgive them for?
Shouldnt it be the other way around?
You drank, you threw the bowl. Bottom line.
You cant expect them to co sign your bad behavior and decisions.
What are you doing these days?
I have been gone for a few months so I dont know whats been going on with people.
Are you just hanging out? Do you have a program or are you doing anything to deal with making your situation better?
It sucks they involveds your PO, but your doing things you shouldnt be. So you cant be mad at that.
I am sorry if I came off mean. I am not trying to be. But it is what it is. I hope you can work past this and do something positive with it.

CAPTAINZING2000

People often tell me keep doing what I'm doing and I'll keep getting what I'm getting. Only way this will change is with you

littlefish

Adore79, you have a legal right to choose your advocates.

I was a conservator/guardian for a mentally ill brother for 4 years until I turned my task over to another agency bacause I felt I could not fulfill that task appropriately and in my brother's best interest.
Just for your information: if you are the recipient of any funds due to mental illness or disability: your check cannot legally "just disappear" to anybody.

You have your rights and you have rights to request not only legal rights, but legal representation.
PM me for more information, because anyone who recieves your checks has legal obligations to handle that money in your best interests.

pinkgurl87

hugs... I now what it's like to not see money, my mom has my bank card so I don't have access to my money , she's afraid I will use it on drugs, yet I have a year clean time. Mind you it's not like I have much money anyways. She gives me my bank card when I want cigs and then goes with me to get them and takes it back, or gives it to me if I need to deposit something at the bank.

I'm sorry you feel this way... you need to stay sober that will help keep you from getting in trouble. I agree if you keep doing what your doing, you will keep getting what your getting.

55438

Hey Adore79,

I agree with what the others have said. We all have rights and responsibilities. The more you are able to be responsible the greater your freedom. Sorry if that sounds preachy it isn't meant to.

I really agree with Aysha, it seems like you may want to give the forgiveness thing a 180 degree turn.

I hope that things improve for you.

55438

tallcactus

I third what Aysha said.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself, be responsible for your actions.
Mental illness or not, you are on probation and you need to comply with what they order.
Take care of yourself, stay sober, gain there trust back, establish some sober time.

Dee74

Hi Adore

I'm sorry you find yourself in this place. I know it's not nice.

I lived with what I called 'my second family' for a year...I was asked to leave after an incident much the same as you describe...it doesn't matter it only happened once or that I didn't mean to get drunk or there were extenuating circumstances...I behaved badly and I had to own up to that and accept that what happened was warranted.

I agree with the others: it's down to you to make the changes F...with a lot of work and support, it is possible to stop the drinking and bad behaviour and re-assume control of your own life. Use this episode as motivation. You're far too good to have to deal with crap like this.

What are you doing for your recovery these days?
D

adore79

ive hit a slump, i dont do anything these days. My best friend is the only thing that keeps me going, and my love for him otherwise i would have given up. i think i need a med adjustment but i dont know. maybe the coming summer weather will help? i live in an imaginary world but its easier than facing reality. im stable though, my life is stable, which is good. i feel like im teetering on the edge of that stablility all the time. im mostly sober, but i get no credit for that, the only time i get attention is when i mess up. ive been warned about being on disablitlity and doing nothing, it makes you more disabled.

Dee74

I was in a slump too F - it didn't let up either, cos I didn't do anything about it.

If you think your meds need tweaking, please check it out.
If you think you need more counselling or more meetings or whatever, please do that too.

Not drinking as much, and teetering on the edge on stability is a pretty slippery place to be. I think you need to shore yourself up, Fel.

Noone else can do it for you. Change is possible for everyone, but we have to work at it...

As for credit, people are always gonna remember the salad bowl throwing episode over everything else - that's the way things work.

If you look at what you need to do, both with your meds and your drinking, and start working on both then I think people will start to see changes....and they will give you credit for that

I know you can do this.
D

Anna

Adore,

You've gotten lots of good advice here. I wish you well!

Hevyn

Was just thinking about you, Fel. I'm so sorry things have gone wrong for you. As Dee said, you are too good to have to deal with this crap. I know you can rise above it all & regain control of your life - don't let that one episode discourage you.

Pinkcuda

Forgive them?????
One Alcoholic to another and all ******** set aside it's probably you that should be asking for forgiveness.
If they choose to not forgive you at this point it's probably because they've had enough and you're too old to leave on the steps of the Fire Department.

MeAndOnlyMe

Judging from your descriptions, I assume you're a US-based teen - not sure if this will help:

Alateen meetings

Others have responded to my posts with meeting groups being an option. Whatever works.

yeahgr8

This is for family and friends of the alcoholic/drunk you both want AA not al-anon:-)

CarolD

Hmmm....
I doubt your parents are stockpileing riches
by allowing you living with them....
It's certainly not giving them peace and quiet.

I think your small check would help....
shelter...feed and clothe you.
You also have legal fines and need to be driven
places....if I remember correctly.

Disabled or not...you are an adult
and your parents are not legally responsible for you.
A bit of gratitude from you would be in order....IMO

I sure hope this will be your time to quit drinking
and stay on your meds....

Aysha

Hi Fel, I know how it feels to be on the edge too. Its not a good place to be.
You have gone round and round with similar situations with your family. Then usually when you have calmed down you do accept your part in it.
Its hard to see past anger sometimes, especially when you feel like no one cares or understands the rights you have done.
I go through it with my gram too. Just last week as a matter of fact. She laughed at me for trying to conserve money. That hurt..alot.
And I said somethings too. But I apologized. I know if it wasnt for her, I would be dead long ago. If not that, homeless and in really bad shape. She kept me alive in my addiction. By giving me love. But I never did anything to change either.
The past few years she has set bounderies and stuck to them and involving the rest of my family when needed. And it has made me deal with my own consequences for once. And now I am getting better at being responsible and making being clean the top priority in my life now. Because why would I change if she kept kissing my azz and acting like nothing is wrong?
As for credit. It feels good when others acknowledge our hard work. But you need to do this for yourself and not for the praise of others.
For me ..I feel , why should I be given credit for doing what I should have been doing all along?
Yea..It is wonderful to see people staying clean. Because this **** isnt easy. But Thats what we are suppose to do.
I am sure your parents are happy to see you staying sober. Maybe they are waiting for you to do some more before they let their gard down? I killed alot of trust with my family. They cant be fooled so easily anymore. It feels good to me to know where my head is. I like the pats on the back. But just the feeling of doing the right thing is what feels best to me.
Hang in there fel. I know it will get better.

adore79

‎Friday, ‎23 ‎April, ‎2010
When did i start planning to drink?

Looking for a chance to drink is always at the back of my mind. Sometimes it will hit me hard, like it did yesterday. Id been saving money for weeks for it.

What convinced me to take the step to buy alcohol?

I had enough money, free time and I thought i could get away with it without anyone knowing.

When was the moment i felt there was no going back?

In the morning I thought about asking my Mom for some money (which i would have used to buy beer). I didnt ask because I knew she would say no anyway. This make me mad and I got determined to drink.

What did i think drinking would do for me?
Escape from everything for a while, a short period of euphoria.

What did drinking actually do for me? Did it meet my expectations?
Made me feel like crap. Lethargic and icky. Made me sleepy. Didnt make me euphoric. Kinda helped me escape from everything, but made me feel regretful afterwards.

What could have happened:
Could have been caught and sent to jail.

How can i prevent this from happening next time i want to drink?
Call my friend first or post on sr.

least

So what are you going to do differently to stay sober? ARe you involved in any program, IOP, counseling, or anything? Counseling helps me a lot. Give it a try if you can. It's nice to have someone to talk to who understands where you're at.

Hevyn

This is progress - finally realizing that the old euphoria and escape is not coming back for us. I tried for many years, increased the amounts and the type of stuff I was drinking - always looking for the old glow I used to get. Those days will never return, it isn't possible. I was very resentful at first!The difference now is, I'm no longer seeking that feeling of numbness. I gave up trying to escape. I decided to be an active participant in my life instead of just putting in time, waiting for the next drinking session.

I know you can make this, Fel. You've never given up - you still want to get well and heal. Maybe that episode put you one step closer to your goal.