Back again, and damn ******* lucky.

Old 04-14-2010, 09:07 AM
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Back again, and damn ******* lucky.

After attempting to 'moderate' my drinking for another few months, after the last binge I know I can't.

I went out on friday night, and spent till monday absolutely messed up. Drank god knows how much on friday night, then from sat to monday i drank 2 700ml bottles of whiskey, a full bottle of baileys, and bottle of red wine and 14 500 ml beers. I weigh about 10 stone and am also on anti-d's (lexapro). Good lord I don't know how I didn't vomit in my sleep or fall down some stairs and break my neck.

I'm a lucky person to have the parents I do who responded with "we know and it's good that you told us, we'll help you" when I told them I'm an alcoholic. My beautiful girlfriend came over on Monday night even though I know she really didn't want to and spent the next day looking after me.

This after I've let these people down countless times in the past few years while I've been drinking myself silly. I've my final exam tomorrow in my politics course and I'm only beginning to study for it but I'm thanking everything that I can at least spend a whole day and a half studying now that the withdrawal has begun to fade.

I know I won't fail this time - I can't. It's now or never. I know I'm a full blown alcoholic and can never ever ever drink again. No more of this "maybe I can moderate" thinking again. I've been to AA before (maybe a sign I should have taken on board that I was an alcoholic) and I found it great but never went back. So on friday I'm going to back and stick with it this time. I'm going to tell my close friends that I'm an alcoholic and I can never drink again. If some of them don't like it then tough.

This has been a massive rant, but the cliff note is : Hi, I'm Ronan, and I'm an alcoholic. I used to think it was a scary thought to never be able to drink again - the really scary thought is continuing to drink.
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Old 04-14-2010, 09:17 AM
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Hi Ronan,

Good to see you and I know you'll find lots of support here!
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Old 04-14-2010, 09:40 AM
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Hi Ronan. I can relate to much of what you posted.

I'm a believer that you can only be 'done' when you're 'done'. With booze that is. Once this oppurtunity arrises, like it appears to have done in your case, you have to commit and stick to sobriety like glue and get working some form of recovery programme. Whatever works for you will suffice imo. Lots of AA and lots of SR sure won't do any harm in your quest. Remember alcoholism is primarily a 'thinking' problem so your thinking has to be sufficiently changed.

You seem to have total acceptance that you're an alcoholic, which is a stumbling block for many, so you're off to a good start there. Make sure that you commit to sobriety 100% this time so that when you start feeling better and the depression/remorse lifts and a drink sounds like a good idea, you can laugh it off as something that is to be avoided at all costs 'just for today'.

All The Best.
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Old 04-14-2010, 09:42 AM
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the really scary thought is continuing to drink.

Especially when we know how bad it is for us and how it will always turn out badly... Congrats on deciding to live a sober life. It takes some effort and a lot of changes but is so worth it.
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Old 04-14-2010, 10:00 AM
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I also can relate to what you have went through.
The 2 things that I really need to work on and UNDERSTAND-
1. Take it one day at a time. The past is done and you do not know if you will have tomorrow.
Right now I am taking it a minute at a time.
2. Acceptance- Maybe someone else can chime in on this.
I have to accept that I am an alcoholic (?)
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Old 04-14-2010, 10:41 AM
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Like Neomarxist said above: Stick to sobriety like glue. I found it helped to try to change my default thinking pattern from "drinking is normal" to "sobriety is normal", so that drinking seemed odd to me instead of the other way around. It's good you've come to the realization that YOU cannot ever drink again. It doesn't matter what other people do, since they are not you. That's called taking responsibility for your own life and is a crucial step in the recovery process. You can only put the blame squarely on yourself if you want to make it out of this nightmare. Congratulations and good luck. I tried to quit last year around this time and lasted only a month or two at a time before I woke up in the hospital for the final time. Now I have almost 300 days without alcohol. You can do it!
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Old 04-14-2010, 10:49 AM
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Glad to hear you're going to get to a meeting. Keep us posted on your progress!
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Old 04-14-2010, 11:08 AM
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Originally Posted by Ronan View Post
I used to think it was a scary thought to never be able to drink again - the really scary thought is continuing to drink.
Ronan, this says it all.

And if it helps: Remember the worst before the first.

Way to go.
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Old 04-14-2010, 11:53 AM
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Glad you are here. Ya it is scary to continue, I know it scares me if I continue using what would happen. Welcome here, hope you find the support you need. Glad you decided to not use moderation, moderation never works. Hang in their. I believe in you, believe in yourself you can do this.
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Old 04-14-2010, 12:25 PM
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Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
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Glad to see you are planning for a healthier sober future.
Welcome back to SR....
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Old 04-14-2010, 01:49 PM
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Hey Ronan,

I fell in the moderation trap so many times I can't count them anymore. After a binge (always a one nighter) I couldn't stand alcohol for the next few days, then the cycle repeated itself after the worst feelings of remorse faded somewhat.
So, for a while I thought yeah ok, I definately have a drinking problem, but I'm not a real alcoholic, or an alcoholic-light-version so to speak. But as someone put it here, there are only stages in alcoholism and unfortunately they only go down-hill. I can see that now.

Good luck on the journey to a better life and with that exam!
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Old 04-14-2010, 02:15 PM
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Thanks for the responses guys. I've been having a look around at some other posts and I'm so glad I came back here.

I'm lucky that it was only a binge this time and not some major life-changing event caused by the binge this time. I've been in hospital after falling down stairs head first. Needed 10 staples that time. Then I've been arrested 4 times, in court twice and am so so lucky to not have a criminal record thanks to understanding judges and the fact that I'm coherent and well spoken when I'm sober and not some bumbling mess. And after all these things happened I said to myself I wouldn't drink again (Well, I would never drink *that much* again...). But I have never felt like I do now in my conviction to stop. It's either stop for good or be in a hospital bed when I've turned yellow in a few years.

I'm 25 years old next week, and I'm absolutely positive this will be a new beginning for me. I'll look back and think "wow, my life could have been so much different (in a bad way!) if I didn't change when I turned 25".

So thanks again guys, I really do appreciate the advice and support. I'll keep you updated and try contribute a bit here myself too.
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Old 04-14-2010, 03:05 PM
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Ronan, great news that you've seen the light. As an older person, I can confirm what you already know - trying to moderate leads you down a dangerous & deadly path. I tried it for many years - insisting it was just a matter of willpower. Like you, I was desperate to continue drinking, couldn't imagine my life without it. Never once did I succeed in controlling it. In the end, I almost lost my life - but I also lost years that should have been wonderful and productive. This never has to happen to you!
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Old 04-14-2010, 03:14 PM
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Thankyou for posting your moderation experience.
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Old 04-14-2010, 05:28 PM
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Glad you made it back Ronan

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Old 04-14-2010, 05:45 PM
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"I know I won't fail this time - I can't. It's now or never. I know I'm a full blown alcoholic and can never ever ever drink again."

" I used to think it was a scary thought to never be able to drink again - the really scary thought is continuing to drink."

Once I knew what you know, and went to my first AA meetings , the only thing I remember hearing was ;

Don't drink if your ass falls off
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Old 04-14-2010, 08:26 PM
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Welcome to SR. Glad you are here!
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Old 04-16-2010, 11:57 AM
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So I didn't go to AA and went to the pub today instead....

Just kidding. Went to AA today, absolutely wonderful people with great experiences of their struggles with booze, their experiences of recovery etc. Really warm feeling in that room, it's where I belong. Even had some out of towners who wanted to hit up a meeting while on holiday. That's what I love about AA, the fellowship part.

So I'm thinking the next meeting I go to will be Sunday. I figure every two days will be a good rhythm to begin with. Feeling great at the moment tho, was a beautiful day.

My exam went well considering how little I studied. I wrote out essays in the morning of the exam and memorized them by the time the exam came around. It amazes me how much I can achieve when I spend even one day with my head on my shoulders. So hopefully I've made the grade and can continue my studies next year.

I know the hardest parts are yet to come, and I'm still basically trying to reconcile myself with step two. I'm thinking so far that my destiny will be my higher power. Does that sound like a good idea to you guys?
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