Toronto68

Boy, I didn't realize there were couples not on the same page when it comes to recognizing the alcoholism in the partner and that this can be a different nature from oneself. When someone says "Just give yourself a limit," I would say, "Well, you know how you can tell yourself to abide a limit and just apply that rule? I don't have that reality, I am not built the same way. that's what alcoholism is, in fact." Is it really that hard to figure out? Or is it just that I have always been unmarried and don't understand how there can be such a divide between two people attached to one another?

smacked

Maybe next time let her take it back to the store for a refund, seeing as how you are a non-drinker

Mark75

Denial
Change in the Status Quo and Fear of Change
Stigma
Ignorance of the "disease"

All that and more!

Of all the things that scared me in early sobriety, my relationship with my wife and how it might be affected was way up top.

Things are fine today, we are finding our way. We almost never talk about it though, she works through her issues with, I work through mine.

Mark

NoelleR

Yup, that says it all. When I got clean/sober, it wasn't up to my friends/family to understand, or even to be supportive; I was the alcoholic; I was the one who needed to not pick up; they could offer all they wanted, it was up to me to say, "No."


(o:

Pinkcuda

It may not be a decision if you're an Alcoholic
According to Alcoholics Anonymous we have no known defense against the first drink. It's all about "Control and Choice" which an alcoholic doesn't have. What an alcoholic has is an obsession to be able to control and enjoy his drinking. I don't believe they would use the word "Obsession" if it was anything but.
My guess from where I'm sitting is that you set out drinking that day with the best of intentions and failed once again.
The "Insanity" that the book referrs to is nothing more than the act of taking the first drink when past experience says it's a no win situation. Almost everytime.

Because they simply don't understand alcoholism. In no way can a non alcoholic understand the inability to control our drinking. I got chastised every other day for my drinking by my wife. Then she would bring me home a 12 pack a couple times a week.
She/they have no idea that an alcoholic can not stop drinking once started.

So that makes two of you that seem to think that you can control your drinking regardless of what the past has dictated.

topspin

This subject really brings back some painful regrets. After 7 years clean and sober , I met my wife and decided I was strong enough physically , mentally , and emotionally to drink socially. I'd convinced myself we would have a better marriage if I could drink normally as a couple, and I WAS really confident I could at the time. The first five years went by; ...with me desperately trying to control my drinking , our relationship began to suffer worse with every passing season, until separation , and divorce in just 7 and a half years. A hard lesson I can never forget . To compound the loss, I thought I would never get over it and continued to drink alcholically another 9 years, wrecking a 7 year relationship with another social drinker ... and almost killing myself.

Today I realize just how tenuous not only life partnerships can be, but life itself can be.


The deep losses and painful lessons learned to finally realize

.....my only chance for any future is staying sober, single or not

tabfan

Good one, Pinkcuda!

I liked it when you said "...that makes two of you that seem to think that you can control your drinking regardless of what the past has dictated."!

I heard it in meetings MANY times that the definition of insanity is: "Repeatedly doing the same thing over and over and over expecting different results!" As crazy as that sounds, it's about the most ACCURATE definition I've ever heard, in regards to alcoholism!

Someone said, just look at all the terrible fights that alcohol has caused personal relationships - it's incredible! Heartbreaking! So, why on earth would a co-dependent give their alcoholic spouse ALCOHOL?!!!!! I have yet to understand "co-dependency". But, then, again, I am the alcoholic; It's taken me a long time just to get a grip on the alcoholism process. Now, to try to figure out what goes on in my (ex) spouse's head?! That will probably take another twenty-five years!

tabfan

......I might add that I eventually divorced that co-dependent of mine. I went to Treatment in October 1986. The folks there told us to not do anything drastic for two years like get a divorce or get married. They told all of us in Treatment that we needed at least two years to get used to the idea of living sober. Well, I gave it three (February 1990) and I had to head out! I got tired of him telling me what a DRUNK I used to be!

AchilleysTendon

looking back on this old post has been so educating!!!! Thank you all!!

Dee74

How are you doing these days AT?

D