Damn...I thought I had this thing....
 

Been straight for a long time….6 or 8 months…..picked up a new rear-end for my motorcycle today and just wanted to get home and install it....I have to say I have ****** up from the total abstainers thing.....I have gotten drunk and smoked (don’t think I mean smoking crack or something, I mean smoking cigs) all night a few times. sucks...Because I didn't do that for a long time...****....can't believe I let it get the best of me...I was straight for about 6 months then all of a sudden I wanted to smoke...and of course as soon as I want to smoke I want to drink and I did...I actually just got back from a twisted sister concert here in Vancouver. I am a very high level drunk and can hide it from everyone (at least that's what I tell every one I don’t know…I know you guys know I am full of ****!! ) ******* help me…why should I stay straight when everything in my life says party???..... I am ****** up!!!!! I want to drink 12 beers when I get home from something instead of going to bed…If that isn’t a ******* drunk then I’ve never heard of one….
Steve
Help me…..I am usually straight, but every now and then I just want to get as ****** up as humanly possible…every one I know, knows it is not what I should be doing (I mean not drinking) but they all secretly like my fuckedupedness…I just don’t know any close friends that are totally ******* strait..
Whatever, love all you guys cuz I know you are staying straight

It does suck slipping up. But ya can't beat yourself up over it. Maybe you need to try to keep yourself out of environments that make you wanna get completely f****d up? But I know the feeling. Good luck!

You are so right dude...but how do you get rid of everyone who loves you, and they don't think you have problem, without hurting everyone’s feelings??...I’ve done that......I know I love myself when I am straight...but my loved ones want and expect me to feel the alcoholic burn they do....done it for a long time...sometimes I think I like their world better than mine....but we all know me straight is cooler than a drunk me...so ******* weird...

Hey Man
you arent the only one, there are millions. I am not straight right now, but I keep fighting this crap. All it does is dominate your existence from my experience. By the way I hang with music peeps cause thats my job, and if you see what happens to them (I was touring for years) you will see where you will end up. Hang in, and if youre like me if you drink one you drink 12. Wishing you the best- Have a good Sunday and do something to enjoy the day.
Peace and Love
Dub

hey Steve
well it's both good and bad to see you back here...

I know the pull of the party is strong - everybody wants to belong...and it's very seductive the idea of just cutting loose and letting go.

But we're just not like everyone else man - we can't just take it or leave it like our friends seem to do. It owns us.

You have to work out what you want more PS - to make the changes you know deep down you'll have to, or to live your life exactly as it is - and take the consequences.

I don't think you can do both - god knows I tried - but I lost 20 years of my life trying.

D

For two years I avoided every place my friends would be at and be drinking. I just didn't think I could handle it and I had to be honest with myself when asking the question "am I going to feel like drinking if I go?" Since the answer was yes, I just thought it better to stay home.

Today, I'll go but I don't go and hang out every time everyone else goes out. And it's not usually for the reason of just going. So far it's been because of the holidays, a birthday and the death of a close friend. Those things I want to be a part of and it's taken over two years where I know I can go and be ok. But I drive myself and I have mocktails. ;)

If I start feeling the urge, I excuse myself, say goodbye and go home.

Really, the best thing for me has been just not going. Then I know I'm not putting myself at risk and I know how hard I've worked to get here.

Good luck Primal.

Hi Primal -

Don't beat yourself up. It happens to many of us.

Are you actively working a program of recovery? That helped me in these situations.

Thanks for the kind words guys...god being an alcoholic just plain sucks!! I so wish I could just have a beer or two and enjoy the rest of the day, but as all of us alcoholics know it just never works that way. Last night I was having a great time with my favorite girl, going to a show and all the while, in the back of my mind, all I could think about was getting home and getting a case of beer and drinking it all by myself...that is just wrong, it is like a sickness. So today I am hung-over, I absolutely hate it, and it's only the second time (last weekend was the first) I have done it since september. I really thought I had it licked and was envisioning my life sober...but then for whatever reason I just wanted to get messed up. so dumb. This morning I had 3 beer left in the fridge...I put off having one for as long as I could thinking I would pour them out...but I got to feeling so bad I had to have one, now I am on the second one and of course now I am just putting off the hangover until later...what a ******** cycle, but when your in it you just want to feel better instead of feeling like crap. I know I will pull myself out of it, I always do, but it makes me feel so worthless and weak that I can't beat this alcohol addiction. I love being sober but at the same time I think I get bored of it, I guess I need to get some sober friends but there aren't very many sober people in the world...almost everyone likes to hang out and drink a few and I hate that I can't be happy doing that...I have to drink a lot! oh well...it's life...you live and then you die you can't beat yourself up to much, you have to do what you can and enjoy yourself. I know I am not as bad as some but I also know I could be, but I never let myself get that bad. Ok, I am rationalizing now...I better stop. Thank you all for being here, I feel bad I don't post much when I am sober, I just feel like I don't need it, but when I need this place I am so glad it is here, and I love that.

I don't know what you mean by "i've done that" but maybe you should let them know that you do have a problem. maybe they will actually be supportive? don't worry about hurting their feelings, if not drinking is what is best for you i would think your loved ones would want that for you as well...?

Thanks armaviva, most of my friends and family know I have a problem with drinking to much...but it is ok with them...I think it makes them feel better knowing I have less control than them...probably makes them feel like at least they don't drink as much as me or something. When I go out and don't drink all they want me to do is drink and they can't understand why I won't have a beer, believe me I have been there done that...but then they are not alcoholics so of course they wouldn't understand...or maybe they are and just don't think about it like that. I have many people in my extended family and friends that drink excessively their whole life and never think they have a problem. maybe it is only when you have a higher conciseness that you realize alcohol controls you...if you can't realize that then you don't have a problem right?

I eventually learned that it is ok
to have fun in recovery. Riding free
in the wind on a motorcycle is
awesome. FREEDOM.

I eventually learned in recovery
that I have a purpose in life.

That purpose is to share my own
ESH..experience, strength and
hopes with the newcomer of
what it was like before during
and after alcohol.

It's folks like u and me and
others to help the newcomer
just coming into recovery.

It is my responsibility today
to step up to the plate and
give away the knowledge of
recovery that was so freely
passed on to me.

With responsibility come growth,
maturity, honesty, happiness
and freedom from the bondage
of alcoholism.

One step at a time.

Nice!! I really appreciate that...as the biggest passion I have is riding my motorcycle, and drinking takes me away from that.

Hey again Steve

It took me a long time to get it...but I figured if my life is boring then it's up to me to fix it....and I better find things to do and changes to make that won't destroy me.

I tried quitting drinking and living the same life and being the same person - it didn't work for me.

Nothing changes if nothing changes Steve.

Some find that change through prayer or some kind of spirituality, others find it through service works, others use a recovery programme like AA, others still try some counselling...

I'm not saying you need to shave your head and join a monastery - but you need to work out how to be comfortable with who you are, and with your choice not to drink.

I daresay you'll find a lot of ideas and suggestions here :)
D

Thanks Dee...you are a beautiful person. I guess I really need to change what I think is normal...but I have tried alot to do that and it never seems to really work. I think I know who I am at the core...I have done alot, been a touring musician, touring standup comedian and currently want to tour the world on my motorcycle (seriously ride around the world for a year on my bike...it really excites me)...I have huge goals but I feel like drinking holds me back...but I feel it more when I am sitting at home, not moving...when I am on the road I seem to be able to drink and then go to bed and get up the next day and feel fine...part of me is starting to think alcoholism is a disease of the complacent...if you aren't out there doing something exciting and daring then the only way to fill that void is by drinking because you are so used to being filled up by the adventure. Lets face it, we all only have a certain amount of years to live and if we don't really live them and do crazy **** we have to sit around and think about it...the sitting around and thinking about it part is what makes me drink...if I was riding through south america on my bike I wouldn't be thinking about if I had a drinking problem or not...sorry, I am little of topic but I am starting to think I think to much. much love.

I spent a lot of years thinking that way too Steve - but I look back at my 20 years of 'crazy stuff' - and there's not a lot of substance there....and a lot of unhappiness....both for me and people I cared about

The drinking and the drugs and the crazy stuff were all the same thing - trying to fill the emptiness in me. That's what I had to work on.

I thought I was living life to the full - but I was really only existing.
D

Thanks Dee...I guess I feel the same...but I am trying to rationalize....I know when I am am totally sober I feel the same way...it kind of boggles my mind how our society equates so much of real "living" life to drinking....but we do. Sometimes I wish I wasn't conscious of the fact that I drink to much, like most folks that go through life and drink to much, it would be alot easier. But I know my drinking slows me down, and it sucks!! but the buzz is always there..damn beer!! Is it only because some of us, like all of us on this forum, knows that drinking is an impediment to our development, that we think we are happier not drinking? god I am so rationalizing...........I know if I was totally sober I would be saying "Steve, get a hold of yourself"...but this is where I am now. Thank you so much for your input, it really helps! I will be ok. I guess I (like probably every alcoholic) wish I could have a few on a sunny sunday and be fine..but that isn't a reality for me.

Well, I know for a fact I'm happier not drinking, Steve :)
There's no comparison between my life now and my old one.

I hope you'll find that kind of certainty too, mate :)
D

:hug:
Steve....get into AA meet new sober folks
and find how we quit and stay quit.

We do all sorts of things besides going to meetings
and we stay sober together....:yup:

Who are you going to meet there?
A room full of risk takers rebels.
Boring? absolutely not.

Thanks Carol, you are very kind and I think you are right. I did go to an AA meeting back in september when I first decided I was an alchy...it was ok and I thought it was cool that a bunch of people got together and talked about their drinking problem...I did have a problem with the fact that just about everyone smoked there...I don't smoke unless I drink and that was a major trigger for me...so I didn't want to hang around a place that seemed to almost promote smoking...I could almost see me hanging out there and smoking with them and then hurrying home to drink...pretty messed up but that is the way it was for me. I might give it another try but I don't want to go to meetings just to not drink and hang out with people that think smoking is fine as long as you don't drink. I am pretty much 100% on or off...I am such an extremist...I've tried raw food diets, paleo diets, the best I ever felt was when I quit drinking, smoking and everything and ran 10k 3 times a week and lifted weights twice a week...I felt like superman, but eventually I got bored cuz I felt like I was missing out on so many fun times cuz I was going to bed at 10pm every night, I read veraciously and it seems all great stories and adventures don't espouse staying home and going to bed at 10pm and not exploring all that is available in life...it seems you have to decide you will no longer get ******** and messed up just to feel better...but in the end we all die of something...I don't want to be on my death bed and think "thank god I got a good night sleep and didn't feel vulnerable because I was out late" ..I can't stand mediocrity where you just hang out and smoke cigs and talk about how you don't drink...way to boring...god I feel like a lost cause but that is me. I am 43 years old 5' 11" 160 lbs and in great shape, I can't sit around with a bunch of smokers talking about how life is so cool now that they don't drink...I would rather drink. I know, messed up but that is who I am. But obviously I have a problem with drinking because I am here....maybe just posting here with people like you will help me...I hope so. I does make me feel better because people like you care. Thank you

I had a brief look on Google, Steve - they have AA non smoking meetings :)

D