It happened again... - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Go Back   SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information >
Register Blogs FAQ Members List Calendar Arcade Mark Forums Read





Reply
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 04-05-2010, 04:57 AM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 3
Question

It happened again...


Morning Everyone,

I really didn't imagine that a lovely night out at a friend's birthday party would finish with me posting on this site. Please bear with me as this might be a long post.

I have a lovely, kind, emotionally intelligent and considerate partner of 5 years. We're both drinkers and only rarely have I considered this to be a problem. We don't share the same house and are together about 30% of the time. Apart from the occasional glass of wine, I rarely drink when I'm home alone, although I know that he does most days -maybe a beer or a couple of glasses of wine. However, when we're together we've had a habit of drinking most evenings, not to excess but certainly a glass or two of wine most evenings.

The problem is the kind of situation that happened last night: We went to a lovely party and caught up with many friends I hadn't seen for a while. Everyone was drinking or smoking weed, great music, lovely happy atmosphere. I was certainly drunk, but not out of control in anyway and as always know exactly when I've had enough and tend to start drinking water. D. my partner, doesn't know when to stop and once again (this has happened several times at these sorts of occasions) got absolutely, embarrassingly wasted. He was the only person there in that kind of state - you know, slurring, falling around, talking gibberish etc. I end up having to be the responsible person that makes sure we get home safely etc. I really don't like who he becomes at all.

How do I handle this? Do I get heavy or supportive? Do I have to quit drinking too in order not to enable his drinking?

I don't understand how someone can be physically unable to stop drinking even when they're in such a terrible state. Is he alcohol dependent? Am I?

I just don't know where to start and this looked like a safe and friendly place to unload.

He's just got up - gotta go...

Thanks
Mintygreen is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Mintygreen For This Useful Post:
FrankBarone (04-05-2010), Hevyn (04-05-2010)
Old 04-05-2010, 05:12 AM   #2 (permalink)
Follow Directions!
 
Tazman53's Avatar
 

Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Quote:
I don't understand how someone can be physically unable to stop drinking even when they're in such a terrible state.
I do understand that feeling, but then again being an alcoholic that is the way I drink when I drink, I swear I will contol it this time but 90% of the time control is out of the question & if I do manage to control it then I am totally miserable sitting around thinking of nothing but drinking more.

What I have come to learn once I admitted I was an alcoholic is that it is far easier for me to not drink at all then it is to try & control the beast within. The way I do this is one day at a time applying priniciples I have learned to my daily life, principles that allow me to live life in such a manner that there is never a reason to drink.

The thing every person with an alcoholic in their lifes need to understand is that the best thing they can do for the alcoholic in thier life is NOTHING!!!! Do not buy them booze, do not lend them money, do not bail them out of bad situations even jail.

The best thing you can do is to take care of your self, set boundaries with him, a great place to learn how to do this & find experienced support is ALANON.

Check out the Friends & Family forum here, lots of good folks there that are learning how to deal with us alcoholics both the wet ones & the sober ones.

Keep yourself number one, do not let his possible problem become yours, you can not control his problems.
__________________
All BB quotes are from the First Edition of the BB

Follow directions!

Sobriety date 18 Sept. 2006

Sober today thanks to AA
Tazman53 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Tazman53 For This Useful Post:
Hevyn (04-05-2010)
Old 04-05-2010, 05:19 AM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,460
If he is embarrassingly drunk and making a fool of himself.....you DO NOT have to take responsibility for him....let him take responsibility for himself....take care of yourself, leave him where he is and let him wake up wherever....

maybe he will realize what he is doing sooner rather than later.
Fandy is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Fandy For This Useful Post:
Hevyn (04-05-2010)
Old 04-05-2010, 05:50 AM   #4 (permalink)
Learning to live again
 
Hevyn's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: New York - Catskill Mtns.
Posts: 39,042
Hi Minty - glad you found us and are reaching out for help. What Fandy said may sound harsh, but sadly - it's true. I was the classic "Enabler" for my husband. Calling work for him, making his excuses, picking up the pieces. It's only natural to try & protect someone you care for, but in this case it does not help them.

I've been doubly blessed - I am both the alcoholic and the one affected by an alcoholic's behavior. I lost my husband many years ago due to his inability to see the light. He died still trying to control it (anything but give it up all together!).

As Taz suggested, do try Friends & Family forum. You will see yourself there, I'm sure. Please let us know how it's going for you. We care.
Hevyn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-05-2010, 06:30 AM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 3
Thanks so much everyone. Knowing we're not alone makes such a difference.

We've just talked. I've been very honest about what I will and won't deal with in this situation, and I know it's true that he isn't my responsibility. All I can do is make sure my own drinking is not giving him the excuse to continue bingeing. Fortunately, he's not in denial about the problem, but I understand that it may take some time for him to make healthy changes - if at all. One day at a time for us all, I guess.
Mintygreen is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Mintygreen For This Useful Post:
Hevyn (04-05-2010)
Old 04-05-2010, 06:45 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
FrankBarone's Avatar
 

Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Central Scotland
Posts: 174
Welcome Minty.

That first post could almost have been written by my Girlfriend so I'm watching the responses pretty closely too.
FrankBarone is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-05-2010, 06:57 AM   #7 (permalink)
bona fido dog-lover
 
least's Avatar
 

Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: eastern USA
Posts: 81,110
Blog Entries: 32
I too will suggest browsing the friends and family forum. Here's the link:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Welcome to SR!
__________________
I'd rather live in my car with my dogs than live in a castle without them.

Dogs may not be our whole lives, but they make our lives whole.

Don't wait for the Last Judgement. It takes place every day. -Albert Camus

Find the good and praise it. - Alex Haley

least is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 04-05-2010, 06:57 AM   #8 (permalink)
Follow Directions!
 
Tazman53's Avatar
 

Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
You know perhaps you could go to an ALANON meeting that happens at the same time & place as an AA meeting & simply ask him if he would like to go to the AA meeting while you attend the ALANON meeting.... just an idea.
__________________
All BB quotes are from the First Edition of the BB

Follow directions!

Sobriety date 18 Sept. 2006

Sober today thanks to AA
Tazman53 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-05-2010, 03:51 PM   #9 (permalink)
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 180,476
Blog Entries: 1
Welcome Mintygreen

I think discussing it as you did - setting out your boundaries - was a great start and just the thing to do.

I hope your partner picks up that ball and runs with it.

D
__________________
Dee74 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-06-2010, 03:59 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 3
Smile Encouraging Update.

An update for all those who so kindly responded with encouragement.

It's been a tough 24 hours emotionally for my man, but he's really taken on board my seriousness at not tolerating his behaviour. I've made it clear that it's not acceptable and not something I'm prepared to tolerate in our relationship. He's shaken himself up sufficiently enough to begin the process of looking honestly at some deeper underlying issues and is open to seeking professional help. I've offered support but made it clear that he has to be pro active and I can't do it for him. He's an intelligent guy and fully accepts responsibility for change.

This isn't going to be easy and I see a challenging journey ahead of us, but I do feel encouraged and think that the first positive step has been taken.

Blessings to you all.
Mintygreen is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Mintygreen For This Useful Post:
Dee74 (04-06-2010)
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:11 AM.