Is it the only way?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Wilson, I can hear you looking for the best approach and thinking through the situation coming up, ie, what will it look like if you are suddenly not drinking - and possibly, can I get through and have fun, etc. Question: is it compulsory for drinking to be involved? what is "going there," is that going to a restaurant or somebody's house? You don't necessarily have to miss out on the whole event. I guess I would understand if it would create too much quizzing or drama all of a sudden if you are not drinking (questions left and right from people) - and if you told a fib to get through without drinking and to avoid the questions.
Not an easy answer if we look at all the complications. If we make it simple though, we do whatever it takes not to drink. What do you think sounds like the best thing to do in order not to drink?
Not an easy answer if we look at all the complications. If we make it simple though, we do whatever it takes not to drink. What do you think sounds like the best thing to do in order not to drink?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 42
It is a bar and you pay a set amount and can drink all you like. It is pretty much a drinking place allthough as I said before I hope to return someday and have a coffee.
I am already going to miss someone elses birthday this weekend as I can't face it so soon. If I could trust myself to control myself I would just have a few drinks and go home but I am not sure I can do that. I don't think my wife could face me so drunk another time too.
I could say something Doctor related maybe but I'm not sure that would work. The quizzing and questions could be a problem. People are really looking forward to this party, I might just cry off sick, I know it's a wimps way but I don't feel strong at the moment. If I could go and not drink, all you can drink soft drinks and coffees might be the way!
I am already going to miss someone elses birthday this weekend as I can't face it so soon. If I could trust myself to control myself I would just have a few drinks and go home but I am not sure I can do that. I don't think my wife could face me so drunk another time too.
I could say something Doctor related maybe but I'm not sure that would work. The quizzing and questions could be a problem. People are really looking forward to this party, I might just cry off sick, I know it's a wimps way but I don't feel strong at the moment. If I could go and not drink, all you can drink soft drinks and coffees might be the way!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,777
Congrats on four days!
A good start to a better sober life.
As to 'events' where there will be drinking, if you're not sure how you'll do, maybe best to stay home. For your birthday... can you just say you're not drinking as a birthday present to yourself.
A good start to a better sober life.As to 'events' where there will be drinking, if you're not sure how you'll do, maybe best to stay home. For your birthday... can you just say you're not drinking as a birthday present to yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 42
I could really control myself and have a drink but be done early, my drinking has tended to come in waves, like my wife said we fight about my drinking and I can control it a little for a couple of times but always end up breaking the promise.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,503
Hi WilsonSmith,
As others have said, it takes time and you really need to be patient with your wife. I went through the same thing with family, and as I said, it takes time and it takes you showing your wife that you are changing.
As for going out to a bar for any reason, I wouldn't do it. I couldn't be around alcohol in early recovery, and I mean for several months. It was just way too stressful for me.
As others have said, it takes time and you really need to be patient with your wife. I went through the same thing with family, and as I said, it takes time and it takes you showing your wife that you are changing.
As for going out to a bar for any reason, I wouldn't do it. I couldn't be around alcohol in early recovery, and I mean for several months. It was just way too stressful for me.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,503
Many of us find that other people don't understand addiction.
Don't obsess about how your wife is feeling. Just focus on staying sober.
The reason a lot of us come here is because people here DO understand.
Don't obsess about how your wife is feeling. Just focus on staying sober.
The reason a lot of us come here is because people here DO understand.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
One thing I forgot to address, Wilson, is that I don't agree with your wife - at least to my understanding of the situation (I don't KNOW what your reality is, I am just feeling it). And that means that she does not understand, and she is very normal for being that way. (She doesn't realize it, but she is asking a flame to be afire but not to burn. You don't ask an alcoholic to drink sensibly.)
I will not get the best votes on this, but if the get-together means that much to you, then you can make up a story about why you are not drinking, but it is extremely early to be around alcohol. You can also call it off. I don't recommend giving the drinks a try, since you are stopping.
I will not get the best votes on this, but if the get-together means that much to you, then you can make up a story about why you are not drinking, but it is extremely early to be around alcohol. You can also call it off. I don't recommend giving the drinks a try, since you are stopping.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 256
[QUOTE=Tazman53;2561134]I NEVER enjoyed my drinking when I controled it, I only enjoyed my drinking when I let it control me. It is so much easier not drinking at all then being miserable trying to control it.
QUOTE]
Wow, Taz. This is it...exactly, perfectly it.
QUOTE]
Wow, Taz. This is it...exactly, perfectly it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 42
I feel in a catch 22 because she doesn't seem to trust me as I am just staying in and not drinking and it is like she needs me to go out and prove I can drink sensibly but as you say it is like fire. Oh what to do.
Originally Posted by Toronto68 
One thing I forgot to address, Wilson, is that I don't agree with your wife - at least to my understanding of the situation (I don't KNOW what your reality is, I am just feeling it). And that means that she does not understand, and she is very normal for being that way. (She doesn't realize it, but she is asking a flame to be afire but not to burn. You don't ask an alcoholic to drink sensibly.)
I will not get the best votes on this, but if the get-together means that much to you, then you can make up a story about why you are not drinking, but it is extremely early to be around alcohol. You can also call it off. I don't recommend giving the drinks a try, since you are stopping.
I will not get the best votes on this, but if the get-together means that much to you, then you can make up a story about why you are not drinking, but it is extremely early to be around alcohol. You can also call it off. I don't recommend giving the drinks a try, since you are stopping.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,436
Hi wilson
I had a good many people not wanting me to be drunk, yet not wanting me to be 'weird' and not drink at all. They didn't understand.
You and I know alcoholism has nothing to do with a failure in restraint, or an exercise in gluttony or a lapse in character.
I tried my best to explain this to those close to me as fully and honestly as I could - some got it, some didn't....but regardless I knew what I had to do.
If you've discussed this with your wife and she doesn't understand, then that's rough - but it's not a dealbreaker.
This board is full of people who've stayed sober under similar circumstances
If we could always control what happens after we take that first drink, none of us would have a problem.
In the end, you know what is right for you to do.
D
I had a good many people not wanting me to be drunk, yet not wanting me to be 'weird' and not drink at all. They didn't understand.
You and I know alcoholism has nothing to do with a failure in restraint, or an exercise in gluttony or a lapse in character.
I tried my best to explain this to those close to me as fully and honestly as I could - some got it, some didn't....but regardless I knew what I had to do.
If you've discussed this with your wife and she doesn't understand, then that's rough - but it's not a dealbreaker.
This board is full of people who've stayed sober under similar circumstances
If we could always control what happens after we take that first drink, none of us would have a problem.
In the end, you know what is right for you to do.
D
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,777
I needed to care enough about myself to do it for me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 806
Originally Posted by WilsonSmith
Hi,
I am new here but want to know if the only way is to stop completely?
I love the taste of alcohol, I nice beer, wine, a refreshing Gin and Tonic on a hot day. I love going to a bar and relaxing, talking with people. I love the way a drink adds to the taste of the food you are eating.
but... My relationship with alcohol is affecting my marriage. My wife is the most important person in my life and I keep disapointing her which is breaking my heart. I try and cut down but it never seems to work I was feeling really good and then I slip into drinking again thinking I can control it. The think is my wife says she doesn't trust me or believe me with regards to drinking. I say I'm going out and will be back soon but I end up coming back late, smelly and really drunk.
I don't even smoke but when I drink heavily (evening) I smoke a pack of ciggerettes. I'm in my early thirties now and have drunk since I was a teenager. I've been done for drunk-driving, fallen down stairs and off my bike when out on a binge. If I drink heavily I have to drink alcohol to smooth the hangover out. I tried not drinking but failed after 3 days as I was so anxious and my body felt bad, as soon as I had a drink I felt normal again.
I know I have a problem but I do get some pleasure from drinking. I know a big part of this is the social side. My wife doesn't really like going out and meeting people but I love going to a bar. I remember I think it was the singer from the band the beautiful south said he spent an awful lot of money and ruined his liver before he found out it was the pub he loved and not the drink.
I do love the taste too.
I suppose as well I get anxious and feel anxity sometimes but with a drink inside me that will never happen.
If anyone has any advice for me I would be gratefull.
I am new here but want to know if the only way is to stop completely?
I love the taste of alcohol, I nice beer, wine, a refreshing Gin and Tonic on a hot day. I love going to a bar and relaxing, talking with people. I love the way a drink adds to the taste of the food you are eating.
but... My relationship with alcohol is affecting my marriage. My wife is the most important person in my life and I keep disapointing her which is breaking my heart. I try and cut down but it never seems to work I was feeling really good and then I slip into drinking again thinking I can control it. The think is my wife says she doesn't trust me or believe me with regards to drinking. I say I'm going out and will be back soon but I end up coming back late, smelly and really drunk.
I don't even smoke but when I drink heavily (evening) I smoke a pack of ciggerettes. I'm in my early thirties now and have drunk since I was a teenager. I've been done for drunk-driving, fallen down stairs and off my bike when out on a binge. If I drink heavily I have to drink alcohol to smooth the hangover out. I tried not drinking but failed after 3 days as I was so anxious and my body felt bad, as soon as I had a drink I felt normal again.
I know I have a problem but I do get some pleasure from drinking. I know a big part of this is the social side. My wife doesn't really like going out and meeting people but I love going to a bar. I remember I think it was the singer from the band the beautiful south said he spent an awful lot of money and ruined his liver before he found out it was the pub he loved and not the drink.
I do love the taste too.
I suppose as well I get anxious and feel anxity sometimes but with a drink inside me that will never happen.
If anyone has any advice for me I would be gratefull.
to the group
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
I just found one of my journal books from the early 90s. I have hardly opened them up over the years, so that I don't get embarrassed with myself. Aside from rambling through tons of passing thoughts as they came up, I noticed one section where I went from talking about disappointments and insecurity about not having a relationship (and one that would not have harmful effects on me, like previous ones), yet also enjoying music and going into some kind of zone all by myself. Then the next paragraph broke into how nice it would be to have something to drink.
That was before the drinking every night phase came along, by about 3 years. Once I did drink every night, the journal writing (and also letter writing) dwindled down.
That was a little historical document about me using alcohol as an antidote for incompleteness, dissatisfaction, boredom, unhappiness, resentment, sense of inadequacy, missing someone and feeling like I was not participating in life the way all the normal people were, wherever they were.
Close to 5 months ago, I stopped drinking; so there' s 15, 20 years of time in between when I put my fake antidote on top of my issues, when I didn't have to.
That was before the drinking every night phase came along, by about 3 years. Once I did drink every night, the journal writing (and also letter writing) dwindled down.
That was a little historical document about me using alcohol as an antidote for incompleteness, dissatisfaction, boredom, unhappiness, resentment, sense of inadequacy, missing someone and feeling like I was not participating in life the way all the normal people were, wherever they were.
Close to 5 months ago, I stopped drinking; so there' s 15, 20 years of time in between when I put my fake antidote on top of my issues, when I didn't have to.
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