Maybe I'm Not In The Right Place
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Halifax, Nova Scotia
Posts: 81
Maybe I'm Not In The Right Place
Is this for people who have already become sober? If I'm in the wrong forum, I apoligze.
If not, let me explain my situation: I THINK I have a problem. I drink every day but not always to the point of intoxication. I started to worry a lot when I started craving alcohol and beginning to have tremors in my hands and muscle twitches until I resumed drinking the next day. The shaking hands scare me. I drink between 50-60 drinks a week, but it's not affecting my professional life. Do I need help?
If not, let me explain my situation: I THINK I have a problem. I drink every day but not always to the point of intoxication. I started to worry a lot when I started craving alcohol and beginning to have tremors in my hands and muscle twitches until I resumed drinking the next day. The shaking hands scare me. I drink between 50-60 drinks a week, but it's not affecting my professional life. Do I need help?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by MarkNS 
Is this for people who have already become sober? If I'm in the wrong forum, I apoligze.
If not, let me explain my situation: I THINK I have a problem. I drink every day but not always to the point of intoxication. I started to worry a lot when I started craving alcohol and beginning to have tremors in my hands and muscle twitches until I resumed drinking the next day. The shaking hands scare me. I drink between 50-60 drinks a week, but it's not affecting my professional life. Do I need help?
If not, let me explain my situation: I THINK I have a problem. I drink every day but not always to the point of intoxication. I started to worry a lot when I started craving alcohol and beginning to have tremors in my hands and muscle twitches until I resumed drinking the next day. The shaking hands scare me. I drink between 50-60 drinks a week, but it's not affecting my professional life. Do I need help?
You're clearly drinking too much and have developed a dependency. Shaking and tremors are textbook examples of alcohol withdrawal. I just stopped daily drinking in the last month and have been absolutely shocked by how much better I feel, particularly at night (the fact that it's 11:17 and I am completely sober and content to be so is a far cry from where I've been the last 2 1/2 years). I wasn't drinking to intoxication every night either and my professional and personal life have been very good. Recognizing that you need to cut back is the first step to keeping it that way. In the long term, that kind of drinking can only get worse as your tolerance increases and your body gets used to always having alcohol in your system.
I'll let others more experienced here offer more sound advice for your next step, but I offer my full support and want to say welcome to these forums. Best of luck--
--Water.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Halifax, Nova Scotia
Posts: 81
Originally Posted by WaterofLife
First of all, I'm new here as well but I can already assure you that you are in the right place. The fact that you have sought out these forums on your own means you do need some kind of help or lifestyle change.
You're clearly drinking too much and have developed a dependency. Shaking and tremors are textbook examples of alcohol withdrawal. I just stopped daily drinking in the last month and have been absolutely shocked by how much better I feel, particularly at night (the fact that it's 11:17 and I am completely sober and content to be so is a far cry from where I've been the last 2 1/2 years). I wasn't drinking to intoxication every night either and my professional and personal life have been very good. Recognizing that you need to cut back is the first step to keeping it that way. In the long term, that kind of drinking can only get worse as your tolerance increases and your body gets used to always having alcohol in your system.
I'll let others more experienced here offer more sound advice for your next step, but I offer my full support and want to say welcome to these forums. Best of luck--
--Water.
You're clearly drinking too much and have developed a dependency. Shaking and tremors are textbook examples of alcohol withdrawal. I just stopped daily drinking in the last month and have been absolutely shocked by how much better I feel, particularly at night (the fact that it's 11:17 and I am completely sober and content to be so is a far cry from where I've been the last 2 1/2 years). I wasn't drinking to intoxication every night either and my professional and personal life have been very good. Recognizing that you need to cut back is the first step to keeping it that way. In the long term, that kind of drinking can only get worse as your tolerance increases and your body gets used to always having alcohol in your system.
I'll let others more experienced here offer more sound advice for your next step, but I offer my full support and want to say welcome to these forums. Best of luck--
--Water.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Halifax, Nova Scotia
Posts: 81
Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000
you don't have to keep drinking until, you do drink and get intoxicated every night. Admitting you might have a problem is the hardest thing to admit for many of us
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 645
MarkNS,
You have come to the right place. If you search a little, you will find everything from people who are questioning whether they have a drinking problem to people who have 1, 3, 5, 30, 90 days or more (to years of) sobriety. This is a forum for newcomers.
Only you can decide if your drinking is problematic. Moderate drinking for men is 2 drinks per day -- no more than 14 drinks per week -- and a drink is 5 oz wine, 12 oz beer, 1 1/2 oz shot.
The hand tremor and muscle twitching you are experiencing is withdrawal symptoms from alcohol. The cravings are your body's way of telling you it needs alcohol to function "normally". These symptoms should scare you -- they are a warning sign.
Moderate drinkers (normal drinkers) do not question whether they have a problem or not with alcohol. If you have to ask the question, it is probably a problem. I can tell you that I am an alcoholic, and I have experienced both cravings and withdrawal symptoms.
The hallmarks of addiction to alcohol are cravings, loss of control, increasing tolerance, withdrawal symptoms. There are three stages of alcoholism -- early, middle and late. You might do a little searching on the internet. There are screening tests available.
By the way, my drinking did not affect my professional life either. An alcoholic is someone who lives under a bridge. Right? Wrong! Alcohol was making me sick, miserable, unhappy, etc. -- but, by God, I was a functioning professional.
"Functioning alcoholic professional" would be a more accurate description of myself. I would get up, go to work, come home, drink until bedtime, sleep, get up, go to work, come home, drink until bedtime, sleep, get up, go to work .... That was my entire life.
When I first went to AA, I questioned whether I was alcoholic. The people of AA told me that rarely do people come to AA by mistake. I didn't like to hear that so much, but they were right. I had come to the right place. If you are here, you are meant to be.
SusanLauren
You have come to the right place. If you search a little, you will find everything from people who are questioning whether they have a drinking problem to people who have 1, 3, 5, 30, 90 days or more (to years of) sobriety. This is a forum for newcomers.
Only you can decide if your drinking is problematic. Moderate drinking for men is 2 drinks per day -- no more than 14 drinks per week -- and a drink is 5 oz wine, 12 oz beer, 1 1/2 oz shot.
The hand tremor and muscle twitching you are experiencing is withdrawal symptoms from alcohol. The cravings are your body's way of telling you it needs alcohol to function "normally". These symptoms should scare you -- they are a warning sign.
Moderate drinkers (normal drinkers) do not question whether they have a problem or not with alcohol. If you have to ask the question, it is probably a problem. I can tell you that I am an alcoholic, and I have experienced both cravings and withdrawal symptoms.
The hallmarks of addiction to alcohol are cravings, loss of control, increasing tolerance, withdrawal symptoms. There are three stages of alcoholism -- early, middle and late. You might do a little searching on the internet. There are screening tests available.
By the way, my drinking did not affect my professional life either. An alcoholic is someone who lives under a bridge. Right? Wrong! Alcohol was making me sick, miserable, unhappy, etc. -- but, by God, I was a functioning professional.
"Functioning alcoholic professional" would be a more accurate description of myself. I would get up, go to work, come home, drink until bedtime, sleep, get up, go to work, come home, drink until bedtime, sleep, get up, go to work .... That was my entire life.
When I first went to AA, I questioned whether I was alcoholic. The people of AA told me that rarely do people come to AA by mistake. I didn't like to hear that so much, but they were right. I had come to the right place. If you are here, you are meant to be.
SusanLauren
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Halifax, Nova Scotia
Posts: 81
Originally Posted by susanlauren
MarkNS,
You have come to the right place. If you search a little, you will find everything from people who are questioning whether they have a drinking problem to people who have 1, 3, 5, 30, 90 days or more (to years of) sobriety. This is a forum for newcomers.
Only you can decide if your drinking is problematic. Moderate drinking for men is 2 drinks per day -- no more than 14 drinks per week -- and a drink is 5 oz wine, 12 oz beer, 1 1/2 oz shot.
The hand tremor and muscle twitching you are experiencing is withdrawal symptoms from alcohol. The cravings are your body's way of telling you it needs alcohol to function "normally". These symptoms should scare you -- they are a warning sign.
Moderate drinkers (normal drinkers) do not question whether they have a problem or not with alcohol. If you have to ask the question, it is probably a problem. I can tell you that I am an alcoholic, and I have experienced both cravings and withdrawal symptoms.
The hallmarks of addiction to alcohol are cravings, loss of control, increasing tolerance, withdrawal symptoms. There are three stages of alcoholism -- early, middle and late. You might do a little searching on the internet. There are screening tests available.
By the way, my drinking did not affect my professional life either. An alcoholic is someone who lives under a bridge. Right? Wrong! Alcohol was making me sick, miserable, unhappy, etc. -- but, by God, I was a functioning professional.
"Functioning alcoholic professional" would be a more accurate description of myself. I would get up, go to work, come home, drink until bedtime, sleep, get up, go to work, come home, drink until bedtime, sleep, get up, go to work .... That was my entire life.
When I first went to AA, I questioned whether I was alcoholic. The people of AA told me that rarely do people come to AA by mistake. I didn't like to hear that so much, but they were right. I had come to the right place. If you are here, you are meant to be.
SusanLauren
You have come to the right place. If you search a little, you will find everything from people who are questioning whether they have a drinking problem to people who have 1, 3, 5, 30, 90 days or more (to years of) sobriety. This is a forum for newcomers.
Only you can decide if your drinking is problematic. Moderate drinking for men is 2 drinks per day -- no more than 14 drinks per week -- and a drink is 5 oz wine, 12 oz beer, 1 1/2 oz shot.
The hand tremor and muscle twitching you are experiencing is withdrawal symptoms from alcohol. The cravings are your body's way of telling you it needs alcohol to function "normally". These symptoms should scare you -- they are a warning sign.
Moderate drinkers (normal drinkers) do not question whether they have a problem or not with alcohol. If you have to ask the question, it is probably a problem. I can tell you that I am an alcoholic, and I have experienced both cravings and withdrawal symptoms.
The hallmarks of addiction to alcohol are cravings, loss of control, increasing tolerance, withdrawal symptoms. There are three stages of alcoholism -- early, middle and late. You might do a little searching on the internet. There are screening tests available.
By the way, my drinking did not affect my professional life either. An alcoholic is someone who lives under a bridge. Right? Wrong! Alcohol was making me sick, miserable, unhappy, etc. -- but, by God, I was a functioning professional.
"Functioning alcoholic professional" would be a more accurate description of myself. I would get up, go to work, come home, drink until bedtime, sleep, get up, go to work, come home, drink until bedtime, sleep, get up, go to work .... That was my entire life.
When I first went to AA, I questioned whether I was alcoholic. The people of AA told me that rarely do people come to AA by mistake. I didn't like to hear that so much, but they were right. I had come to the right place. If you are here, you are meant to be.
SusanLauren
I've been wavering for years as to whether or not I'm an alcoholic, but I can say confidently now that I am one. I just have no idea how I'm going to be able to beat this...
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Hi MarkNS
like everyone else has said, this is a forum for all types of people with drinking or drug problems. You'll find a lot of support here.
If you think you might need help, then you probably do.
Cutting back never worked for me, but I tried - I think we all did.
This is a good place to talk all that stuff out
Welcome!
D
like everyone else has said, this is a forum for all types of people with drinking or drug problems. You'll find a lot of support here.
If you think you might need help, then you probably do.
Cutting back never worked for me, but I tried - I think we all did.
This is a good place to talk all that stuff out
Welcome!
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 645
Mark,
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous, found a sponsor and a home group, and I began to work the 12 steps of AA. That is what has made all the difference for me. I am coming up on my 2 year anniversary on April 20th. If you don't like the "God stuff", you can substitute the AA group for your "Higher Power." That's what I did. I took the qualities of the group (i.e., their strength, their wisdom, their compassion, etc.) as my ideal for the "God of my understanding". The spiritual awakening mentioned in the 12th step is really a "personality change sufficient to overcome alcoholism." I have experienced a psychic change -- a different (much, much better!) set of attitudes, outlooks, emotions, guiding ideas, etc -- has taken hold in my life. I like the person I have become today and it gets better each day. Sure there are moments of difficulty and frustration because that is life. But I wouldn't trade my old life for my life today. Get out the phone book or check on line and look up AA. That would be my advice to you. If you don't like one group, try another. Each has a different "flavor" (its own personality so to speak) and some groups you might like better than others. Good luck.
SusanLauren
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous, found a sponsor and a home group, and I began to work the 12 steps of AA. That is what has made all the difference for me. I am coming up on my 2 year anniversary on April 20th. If you don't like the "God stuff", you can substitute the AA group for your "Higher Power." That's what I did. I took the qualities of the group (i.e., their strength, their wisdom, their compassion, etc.) as my ideal for the "God of my understanding". The spiritual awakening mentioned in the 12th step is really a "personality change sufficient to overcome alcoholism." I have experienced a psychic change -- a different (much, much better!) set of attitudes, outlooks, emotions, guiding ideas, etc -- has taken hold in my life. I like the person I have become today and it gets better each day. Sure there are moments of difficulty and frustration because that is life. But I wouldn't trade my old life for my life today. Get out the phone book or check on line and look up AA. That would be my advice to you. If you don't like one group, try another. Each has a different "flavor" (its own personality so to speak) and some groups you might like better than others. Good luck.
SusanLauren
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: GEORGIA
Posts: 107
I said for many years that I will quit when Im ready I ONLY DRANK ON WEEKENDS MOSTLY since marrying havimg other responsabilitys ect. from age age 20 to 26 it was one big party. Told my self Im not an alcoholic I am I may not be totally dependent but still I no I am yeah cutting back I realize now is only denial.I have read this and believe that alcohol is mind thing it will fool you it will call you . DONT LET IT FOOL YOU
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Melbourne, Victoria
Posts: 8
I have also posted my first post today. I first stumbled across this site a year ago and have spent lots of time reading posts. The things I've learned about alcoholism is amazing. You might not be ready today to take the plunge to quit drinking entirely. I didn't when I had suspicians that I had a "problem". To quit drinking entirely is a frightening concept at first. How am I going to not drink around all my heaving drinking friends? One thing I know now, alcoholics attract alcoholics and most of them are threatened when you are in their company and you say "no" to a alcoholic beverage. It has taken me a year to "wean away" from my friends who I drink the most around. I think I am ready now to try sobriety, permanently. Just keep visiting this site and don't beat yourself up if you find you "can't" control this beast. Good luck.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome Mark.....
Hello to all of our new members that I missed earlier....
It's always a wise idea to check with your doctor
about how best to de tox. Please do and be honest
about your drinking patterns and ammounts.
Be both sober and safe....
Hello to all of our new members that I missed earlier....
It's always a wise idea to check with your doctor
about how best to de tox. Please do and be honest
about your drinking patterns and ammounts.
Be both sober and safe....
Idiot!
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 556
Originally Posted by Dee74
Hi MarkNS
Cutting back never worked for me, but I tried - I think we all did.
D
Cutting back never worked for me, but I tried - I think we all did.
D
It never worked for me but idiot that I am I had to exhaust ALL possible combinations before stopping. Hopefully you won't have to do that.
Stu.
For idiot read alcoholic
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 224
Welcome. Sorry that you seem to be dealing with what most of us are dealing with that are here. But you have come to a very good place. Keep posting and the folks here will keep offering support and sharing their experiences. It should help you find your way. I also spent a good amount of my life thinking that I could control this drinking thing. I would quit, and relapse. I would say I was gonna have only two...and my "only two" turned into two bottles of wine...not two glasses! I finally accepted that I am alcoholic. And I do not know if it's genetic or environmental, or this or that. And that really does not matter now. All I know is that it was killing me...a nice slow painful way. And one day I woke up and it scared me enough that I stopped. I was done. And fortunaely I found this site. I truly believe the support I find here has saved my life. I continue to grow and learn from folks here everyday. Keep coming back here and sharing. You are in the right place. Again, welcome.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by susanlauren
you can substitute the AA group for your "Higher Power." That's what I did. I took the qualities of the group (i.e., their strength, their wisdom, their compassion, etc.) as my ideal for the "God of my understanding"
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,554
Welcome Mark! It's all been said - so I'll add that I wanted with all my heart to be able to control it, and never once was able to. In the end, it was causing so much grief and misery in my life it was no longer worth it. I wanted off the rollercoaster and back into living a sane life.
I drank for a few months after finding SR. What I read here - seeing myself in so many posts - convinced me of what I already knew in my heart. I'm an alcoholic, and there is no such thing as one drink. It was going to take my life if I didn't quit. With SR I was no longer alone - and I found the courage to stop poisoning myself.
Congratulations on seeking some answers and in wanting a better life. You can do this.
I drank for a few months after finding SR. What I read here - seeing myself in so many posts - convinced me of what I already knew in my heart. I'm an alcoholic, and there is no such thing as one drink. It was going to take my life if I didn't quit. With SR I was no longer alone - and I found the courage to stop poisoning myself.
Congratulations on seeking some answers and in wanting a better life. You can do this.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
I agree that if you THINK you have a problem, you probably do. I too tried to 'cut back' but it didn't work for me. I had to stop drinking entirely. I've been sober now for nearly four months and feel better than ever.
Welcome to SR!
Welcome to SR!
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Welcome to SR Mark, I have little to add to what the others have said.
Controling my drinking was like controling my bowels when I had the runs, one drink always led to more drinks or sheer misery wanting a drink. I have found not drinking at all to be far easier then trying to control the beast!
AA is what saved my life along with millions of other alcoholics lifes.
I would urge you first to see a Dr. & tell the Dr. the WHOLE truth about your drinking & then follow your Dr.'s advice. If he reccommends a long term recovery program then I would suggest AA, the price is right & the results are good as well. If AA is not for you then there are other programs as well.
Controling my drinking was like controling my bowels when I had the runs, one drink always led to more drinks or sheer misery wanting a drink. I have found not drinking at all to be far easier then trying to control the beast!
AA is what saved my life along with millions of other alcoholics lifes.
I would urge you first to see a Dr. & tell the Dr. the WHOLE truth about your drinking & then follow your Dr.'s advice. If he reccommends a long term recovery program then I would suggest AA, the price is right & the results are good as well. If AA is not for you then there are other programs as well.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Mark, what kinds of things do you want to talk about or ask further?
I remember lots of times waking up to the TV blaring at 3AM or something like that. That's the euivalent to your falling asleep in your clothes. I was mostly productive about my work and seemed to pass for functioning for myself. Once in a while I thought my temper was getting the best of me, maybe every 3 months or so. I was one of those "Did I really send that email?" people. I didn't know whether it was because of my own temperament or the addiction to alcohol I had been aware of a long time. (I just drank over top of the awareness, of course, just about every day for 15 years, with few cessation periods that didn't last a month.)
When I had something that got me excited in a negative way (client hassle or meeting with somebody nasty or having to deliver a meeting to a group or speak in front of a couple hundred people), I would stretch my fingers out and look at them to test my nervousness. If they didn't quiver a lot, I was glad I wasn't that nervous. Inside though, I thought there was something more to the quivering that I would want to test on occasion. Sometimes my fingers would quiver anyway, for no apparent reason. When I stopped drinking, I noticed after a month or two - I don't remember when I first thought to check - that I could stretch out my fingers and they didn't shake at all. I don't know for sure that alcohol was behind it all along, but in my mind it was a contributor to it.
I started out drinking after I became legal (19, and it is prob the same age in NS). Barely touched it and didn't see the point in it, and had never partaken in it as one of the ways to rebel and be cool. I went overboard a couple of times and had fun with it, and so far things amounted to normal to me. A year or two into the age of majority though, I had begun to experiment with it, at home by myself, to see what it could do for me as far as combating pain over someone being sick or coming to terms with myself (gay) or even things that ticked me off. Maybe 4 times a year. Then a year or two later, I was putting a quick vodka/orange or two down my throat before meeting friends, so I could deal with the nerves (didn't always feel like meeting new people, for example). Even still, not a lot of episodes of abuse. But a RELATIONSHIP had begun.
Ffwd a couple of years and I was more interested in partying (now I was finally getting it, why "parties" were fun, why people went to bars so much). There was a rough patch for a couple of years of not really knowing what to do with myself after getting my degree. Once I started to settle in with work life though, the alcohol frequency went up dramatically. Even if I did not go out every weekend, I started bringing beer home every night. That was the mid-90s. For the next batch of years, it was a combo of bars (where else was I supposed to fall in love - duh) and the almost daily medication of beer (sometimes spirits and wine, but mostly beer). I stopped briefly a couple of times when I found that I was depressed or when I wanted to work on a big change, like a new city and job. A little after 9/11 was the last time, and I quit for a couple of weeks.
Then I got settled into a new city and job and now it was different again, a new stage to the relationship. I was even more loyal to the alcohol but even more of a workaholic too. I didn't need to go out, because I was happy to work only - as long as I could drink at home. If I had friends asking me to come out after work or even non-work friends inviting me to their house, I would drink either 0 or 1 drink, so that I could get home effectively and within enough time to drink. I also looked a bit like they used my face at the Calgary Stampede, so I didn't want to display drinking behavior and actualize any further the knowledge that had to be out there about me for a lot of people. So the last ten years roughly consisted of work/home, work/home, and the day and night routine of not drinking and then drinking.
But the enjoyment in drinking was so RARE during the last 5 years, I would say. I know for a fact that alcohol so ruled my existence that I was too lazy to concern myself with cooking and other household requirements. But it wasn't even just that, I also made sure my stomach was just empty enough to try and get some kind of enjoyment out of it, to achieve the buzz. The quantity of drinks didn't continue to rise by that point. It would spike sometimes, but much of the time, I was more middle of the road in quantity by comparison over the years. (And also a bottle or two would frequently get poured down the drain because I had forgotten about it hours prior - or because it was finally so utterly gross.)
So the last leg of the relationship with drinking was like being forced to accept medication. If people get tired of seeing the same analogies from me, well, one of them would be that it was like going home to be hooked up to an IV every night. I was long past the stage of questioning "Do I drink to feel 'normal'?" - the classic self-quiz question that you see online or on pamphlets at the doctor's office. I was now a lot deeper into despair and would wonder almost every day what was happening inside my body in the shower if I felt something bizarre (was I going to collapse, have a heart attack or kidney problem; just "how long was I going to live" was another question that came up at random).
This is why a lot of alcoholics refer to their drinking as "insanity," to me. I was asking myself how long I could last SO THAT I COULD DRINK. I had been smarter than that back when I was sneaking in the vodkas to calm nervousness in the university years. But around 15 or 20 years of this "insanity" is what I dealt myself instead. That's what is so sad about alcoholism, because the alcoholic drinker uses the drug despite any other good sense, no matter how kind or cruel, dumb or smart, greedy or generous the person is, and continues using it until the alcohol has eaten up the body and spirit (you can even see the difference in the eyes after a couple weeks of no drinking, so that life can drip back into the soul again).
So I am relatively lucky, in my mind. I am restless and not able to sleep tonight because I have some new work goals on my mind, and I am my biggest critic. But I feel very lucky to have been able to almost suddenly quit a few months ago. (I didn't have to wait to get out of jail or regret killing someone or fight for my life - all those kinds of lucky!) I'm unfortunately my only psychiatrist right now, ha ha, but I believe that my body took over for me what my own thinking sense could not do. Or it was my soul snapping out of it or a spiritual thing intervening for me (I'm not used to having a spiritual mind). Something kicked in for me like a survival instinct, and I caught on.
I am still figuring out how to use my brain again and regain confidence without my false friend/crutch/antidote/medicine (alcohol). I think it'll be 5 months sober by mid-month. And I am happy to be able to work on staying this way, without drinking, each day; and also to do what I can to allow someone else to be released from such a self-imposed prison like alcoholism and addiction, by talking about it while I can manage it and find the words. I don't know which, if any, pieces of what I scratched down here will do you any good; but if one line helps on top of the ones you read (or hear, perhaps, in support meetings) from others, I will be happy, while you look into what is happening with your experience with alcohol.
I remember lots of times waking up to the TV blaring at 3AM or something like that. That's the euivalent to your falling asleep in your clothes. I was mostly productive about my work and seemed to pass for functioning for myself. Once in a while I thought my temper was getting the best of me, maybe every 3 months or so. I was one of those "Did I really send that email?" people. I didn't know whether it was because of my own temperament or the addiction to alcohol I had been aware of a long time. (I just drank over top of the awareness, of course, just about every day for 15 years, with few cessation periods that didn't last a month.)
When I had something that got me excited in a negative way (client hassle or meeting with somebody nasty or having to deliver a meeting to a group or speak in front of a couple hundred people), I would stretch my fingers out and look at them to test my nervousness. If they didn't quiver a lot, I was glad I wasn't that nervous. Inside though, I thought there was something more to the quivering that I would want to test on occasion. Sometimes my fingers would quiver anyway, for no apparent reason. When I stopped drinking, I noticed after a month or two - I don't remember when I first thought to check - that I could stretch out my fingers and they didn't shake at all. I don't know for sure that alcohol was behind it all along, but in my mind it was a contributor to it.
I started out drinking after I became legal (19, and it is prob the same age in NS). Barely touched it and didn't see the point in it, and had never partaken in it as one of the ways to rebel and be cool. I went overboard a couple of times and had fun with it, and so far things amounted to normal to me. A year or two into the age of majority though, I had begun to experiment with it, at home by myself, to see what it could do for me as far as combating pain over someone being sick or coming to terms with myself (gay) or even things that ticked me off. Maybe 4 times a year. Then a year or two later, I was putting a quick vodka/orange or two down my throat before meeting friends, so I could deal with the nerves (didn't always feel like meeting new people, for example). Even still, not a lot of episodes of abuse. But a RELATIONSHIP had begun.
Ffwd a couple of years and I was more interested in partying (now I was finally getting it, why "parties" were fun, why people went to bars so much). There was a rough patch for a couple of years of not really knowing what to do with myself after getting my degree. Once I started to settle in with work life though, the alcohol frequency went up dramatically. Even if I did not go out every weekend, I started bringing beer home every night. That was the mid-90s. For the next batch of years, it was a combo of bars (where else was I supposed to fall in love - duh) and the almost daily medication of beer (sometimes spirits and wine, but mostly beer). I stopped briefly a couple of times when I found that I was depressed or when I wanted to work on a big change, like a new city and job. A little after 9/11 was the last time, and I quit for a couple of weeks.
Then I got settled into a new city and job and now it was different again, a new stage to the relationship. I was even more loyal to the alcohol but even more of a workaholic too. I didn't need to go out, because I was happy to work only - as long as I could drink at home. If I had friends asking me to come out after work or even non-work friends inviting me to their house, I would drink either 0 or 1 drink, so that I could get home effectively and within enough time to drink. I also looked a bit like they used my face at the Calgary Stampede, so I didn't want to display drinking behavior and actualize any further the knowledge that had to be out there about me for a lot of people. So the last ten years roughly consisted of work/home, work/home, and the day and night routine of not drinking and then drinking.
But the enjoyment in drinking was so RARE during the last 5 years, I would say. I know for a fact that alcohol so ruled my existence that I was too lazy to concern myself with cooking and other household requirements. But it wasn't even just that, I also made sure my stomach was just empty enough to try and get some kind of enjoyment out of it, to achieve the buzz. The quantity of drinks didn't continue to rise by that point. It would spike sometimes, but much of the time, I was more middle of the road in quantity by comparison over the years. (And also a bottle or two would frequently get poured down the drain because I had forgotten about it hours prior - or because it was finally so utterly gross.)
So the last leg of the relationship with drinking was like being forced to accept medication. If people get tired of seeing the same analogies from me, well, one of them would be that it was like going home to be hooked up to an IV every night. I was long past the stage of questioning "Do I drink to feel 'normal'?" - the classic self-quiz question that you see online or on pamphlets at the doctor's office. I was now a lot deeper into despair and would wonder almost every day what was happening inside my body in the shower if I felt something bizarre (was I going to collapse, have a heart attack or kidney problem; just "how long was I going to live" was another question that came up at random).
This is why a lot of alcoholics refer to their drinking as "insanity," to me. I was asking myself how long I could last SO THAT I COULD DRINK. I had been smarter than that back when I was sneaking in the vodkas to calm nervousness in the university years. But around 15 or 20 years of this "insanity" is what I dealt myself instead. That's what is so sad about alcoholism, because the alcoholic drinker uses the drug despite any other good sense, no matter how kind or cruel, dumb or smart, greedy or generous the person is, and continues using it until the alcohol has eaten up the body and spirit (you can even see the difference in the eyes after a couple weeks of no drinking, so that life can drip back into the soul again).
So I am relatively lucky, in my mind. I am restless and not able to sleep tonight because I have some new work goals on my mind, and I am my biggest critic. But I feel very lucky to have been able to almost suddenly quit a few months ago. (I didn't have to wait to get out of jail or regret killing someone or fight for my life - all those kinds of lucky!) I'm unfortunately my only psychiatrist right now, ha ha, but I believe that my body took over for me what my own thinking sense could not do. Or it was my soul snapping out of it or a spiritual thing intervening for me (I'm not used to having a spiritual mind). Something kicked in for me like a survival instinct, and I caught on.
I am still figuring out how to use my brain again and regain confidence without my false friend/crutch/antidote/medicine (alcohol). I think it'll be 5 months sober by mid-month. And I am happy to be able to work on staying this way, without drinking, each day; and also to do what I can to allow someone else to be released from such a self-imposed prison like alcoholism and addiction, by talking about it while I can manage it and find the words. I don't know which, if any, pieces of what I scratched down here will do you any good; but if one line helps on top of the ones you read (or hear, perhaps, in support meetings) from others, I will be happy, while you look into what is happening with your experience with alcohol.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
