this

ive been awake a a few hours and am drinking while drowning in self
loathing and of course the the daily feelings of regret and shame (what a
fun drug alcohol is). Long story short my addiction is only one of about 8
years but it really took a grip on me.Last july i had a detox and felt
great but a few months later (christmas) i made the bigist mistake.Yes the
"oh i will just have a couple" mistake. WEll im sure you can all guess how
that worked out.

I had just started to mend a few broken friendship with family and
friends and have now single handedly destroyed them all again. See im not
a "nice drunk" and can fully understand that people can only take so much
abuse and then the "im sorry, i was drunk," line

well last night i messed up bad. i had one friend left that has tried so
hard to stick by me all this time and last night i just went off at her ,
god knows what about but im pretty sure there is no way back.

Im so so sick of this. the whole self hate thing so drink to numb it yet
its the drink thats induced it. How pathetic.

So why am i here? Well this is hopefully my first step in coming to terms
that im swiftly loosing control again and its only going to get worse.On
monday i shall make an apointment with my support worker and start taking
small steps.. im scared its now or never .
Pete

this

may i add i was an intravenous drug user (speed /heroin/ whatever) for many many years before. I have been illigal drug clean for 10 years this year .But seem to of always needed something, if that makes sence..God knows what i will do without a substance

least

Welcome to SR!


That's a very healthy fear, I think. One of the biggest things keeping me sober is the fear that if I drank again I might not have any more 'recovery' left in me. I'm afraid of finding my bottom so I stay sober. Besides, sober living is so much better than drinking and just existing with endless shame and regret and self loathing, not to mention being sick all the time.

I hope we can give you the information, hope, and encouragement you need to get and stay sober. Perhaps the friendships can be mended in time, just work on mending YOURSELF first.

Houndheart

Welcome and good choice to join up here. I have only been sober 10 weeks...but this place is what keeps me on track. I think that most of us can relate to your story. The day I quit, I was scared to death. As Least says, perhaps yours is a healthy fear. Keep coming back..and good luck with your appointment!

LifeIs

Welcome Pete!

SR is the place where you can get help, it is never too late to get sober. Read the posts, and share with others. The support you need is here.

I am just about finished my 6th day of sobriety and it is great. Couldn't have done it without the support of other members of SR.

Best of Luck!

jrmar

Hi Pete,
I have done the same thing for 30 years. for me it took the realization that i am powerless over alcohol really powerless, I gave up.. alcohol is stronger than me I now run from it instead of standing up to it thinking somehow it might be different this time. also I realized I cant fight the battle myself I need the support of others that I can relate to. for me on a daily bases. as you say small steps 24 hr at a time, its the only way to overcome. Thanks for sharing

foxy0116

Hi This,

You have made a great choice by coming to SR. Everybody here is so supportive and because we all have had similar problems, can give some great advice. I too am not a very nice drunk and burned many a bridge before coming here and seeking help. Im 6 days sober now and am starting to feel pretty damn good about it too. Read the post's and take what can from them. I have found some very useful stuff here and it has helped my to stay off the booze!!!

this

Hey all!
thanks for the welcome! im so very lost right now i dont eat and only sleep when i pass out, only to wake to a few mins of being very sick. I hate this guys x

foxy0116

It does pass. I was like this for the first 4 days. Im on day 6 now and am feeling much better. Getting more sleep and eating like a horse (yet still losing weight). Hang on in there, it does get better!

this

Im constantly feeling sick, even the thought of the smell of alohol makes me throw up. it only stops when i drink. Is this normal?

Dee74

Hi Pete

I remember feeling like this too
but the last 3 years (after 20 years of mayhem) have been my best years ever.

It's a big scary leap into the unknown but you're not alone

Welcome to SR
D

this

just got in. have just broken into my parents house ..welll i had a key but they were out. stole the only bottle i coud find,,, oh thisd is great ..

Dee74

Nothing changes if nothing changes Pete.

I know the fear can feel overpowering and many of us had some faltering steps..
but you can live without booze - there's many of us here as testament to that.

The first step is trying your best at not giving in to the impulse. The second is reaching out for support from others to do that.

The best thing for you to do is tip the bottle out.

Have you thought about a recovery programme, Pete?

If you're feeling sick all the time, have you considered seeing a Dr about your drinking? It's often a good idea.


D

this

lm so unhappy whay do i do ... i wish it would all end

Hevyn

Pete, you're so miserable right now - why not see what it's like without the poison? It would have to be an improvement over what you're going through. It's no longer doing anything for you - it's no fun, not relaxing, just a living hell. I was just like you - could never imagine my life without being able to get numb. I tried so many times to control it and just have a few, but in the end there was no control left. My life was chaos. I had to stop or die.

You came here because you aren't ready to give up on life. Give yourself a chance to see what living without booze can be like. No, not the first few days - it takes some time - but you can get your life back and feel happy & hopeful once more. Give yourself a chance to live again, please Pete.

least

Pour the bottle out. Give yourself a chance to get thru the withdrawal and start living again. It's rough the first few days but it gets better. Please give youself a chance to find out how much better it can be.

CarolD

Welcome. to SR.....

How did you overcome your past drug use?
Perhaps that could give you a start on quitting alcohol.

You also might consider having a medically supervised
basic de tox to be safe.

scottie

Welcome pete you are in the right place its a brave thing to do to ask for help like you i was sick of being sick i am not a drinker i am a gambler its much the same i think. Gambling was my escape and when i gamble it gets worse lose friends family etc i wish you well

foxy0116

It was the same for me and I used it as an excuse to drink again. The first few days are hellish, I wont lie to you, but Im on day 7 and feel great now. Still have urges to drink but the sickness and all other symptoms have well and truely passed. Took until about midway through day 4 for them to subside. Hang in there Pete! You can do this!!!

BurningChrome

Hey Pete, Yeah.... Makes _Total_ sense!! That was my biggest fear/concern/worry/etc., was what to do with all the TIME I would have where I was not at work, my wife was out, I was alone and for years spent that time getting sloshed, was easy to pass the time then, play a computer game, watch a recorded tv show for the 2nd (or 3rd, or 4th) time as if it were new because I could not recall my viewing it the first time, whatever, but sober, OMG.... WHAT TO DO??!! Well, you ease back into old interests, develop new ones, spend more time on the phone re-connecting with friends you've become distant from due to your using, whatever it takes.
Hang in there, as another member told me here my first week, I won't have to ever go thru this hell again, if I _choose_ not to, this CAN be the last time!! Be strong, talk to whoever you have to, post here alot and you will get _Alot_ of support from people who do not know you but know expicitly what you are going thru and really do care! Walk to road you have to brother, best regards,
Peace,
..Mike