shameful
 

I--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hi everyone, i am starting fresh, had several bad relapses, some very embarrassing, shamefull experiences, and have been away for quite some time. I just want to begin a new year and begin to become the person i have allways wanted to be, start a new "chapter" in my life, if you will. I dont want to be this person. She is Ugly. She is Inconsiderate. She is Selfish.
I want to be like a newborn baby, like a butterfly just evolving... i want to wash my face clean and rinse with cool water, pat it softly dry, and take good care of.
To have a fresh mind and attitude that is what i am striving for, starving for. Hungry. Desperate for air. A frozen lake i've been swimming in and am using my fingertips looking up to the light for the opening to get out. I want to be set free of this disease. God, I am looking to for some kind of emotional bandaide, for this open wound on my soul.
I am here, because i know you have all been/are where im at. You all can relate, and i find so much comfort in that. I am looking for some friends, that may be able to get me through this horrible ache in my skin.
I will heal. I have no doubt of that. It will take time, care, and soothing...pamporing. Consideration. But i will get there. At least i have hope. And that is a good start, right?
thank you all for listening
crys

Good luck CLMF. We are here for you.

hello crazylittlemindfreak. Yes, we have all been where you have been and there are many others who still suffer. Like everyone says, you dont have to go through it again. I know a lot of people say "good luck", not singling you out john, because it is an expression. What I really want to know is what are your plans to help you in your recovery? Are they different from the last time or have you identified the problems that caused your relapses?

Like I said, I know it is an expression but luck has nothing to do with this disease. If it did, that would mean somewhere out there is a winner. At the same time, just like the lottery, it is a 1 in 76,000,000 chance (cal super lotto odds). Why even take that chance? My point is that, if you keep taking that chance, you will pretty much lose every time and the worst part is that it is progressive. Your consequences will likely get worse and maybe even death.

Have you or are you on a program for recovery?

Hi crzylilmndfreak, yes i can relate, I to have gone back and forth for 30 years am on my first month today. the only way i could have done it is with the support of other like minded people. I hope you get a strong support group SR is great support I use it with AA, I need to get out so i don't isolate. isolation is the biggest trigger for relapse with me. and the understanding that i have to work at this as if my life depended on it because it dose. I am powerless over alcohol, and learning how to live life without it is my quest... I hope you find the peace you are looking for

I hope i can find my way through this as well, i know i can and will do it, but i need a lot of support, and i get that from my group, recovery program, and now here with you all... I am suppose to get a sponsork that is one of my rewqurements, but i have no idea how to go about that, i go to meeting there at my program, ( we have aa and na meetings after our class gets out, but we are not allowed to have a sponsor to go to that are in the program...and i've become so isolated, i never even talk to anyone, sometimes i go to an outside meeting on Sundays, but there is noone there i am interested in being a sponsor there, and I know its not right, but i never ever talk to anyone, i even mostly leave early just so i dont have to make "small talk" with anyone, my anxiety is through the roof, and i dont know how to get over it......i cant stand the idea of talking and having everyone staring at me, i also have a paranoia problem...i told my Dr. about his, and she says in a broken english, "maybe they say you pretty" WTF?
how dare you play down this serious problem that i have. so she put me on abilify and the side effects have been so bad, that i dont think i can continue to take it, i have also just ended my taking my klonpin, so that could also be a cuase for my symptoms, so i dont know if i should stop taking my
abify, im not looking for medical advice, just some advice and some "input" on what i have written here
ty , does anyone have experience of taking abilify? or klonpin withdrawal?
crys

I always recommend people see their doctor before going off or changing their meds.

Its just the responsible thing to do....and we couldn't really advise you here on that anyway, as you know :)

If you're not happy with your current doctor can you change, Crys?
D